《Shade and Flow》Chapter 85: Grief
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The howling wind was threatening to remove the hood from my head, not that I would care, for up here on one of the lowest peaks of Murk mountains, not a soul could see my form blending into the night.
The Sunguard's sleeping like logs inside of their beautifully built barrack, remodeled by what had once been our soldier's hut purposefully to house them, would not notice my presence, or at least they could have if they had some see-through-walls sight, but how likely was that?
I counted three Sunguards. It was not a low number at all for taking care of such a village, yet, as I had promised to Roana, I would not even try to take them on, and sincerely, what need was there? I hadn't had any intention of doing it in the first place.
I just needed to speak with the Church of the Sun, or more precisely, with the Nun at its head.
The Church stood tall, rebuilt by the mess in which three years of solitude and lack of caring had brought to it. Only a few dozen meters separated it from the passage that would lead to the Graveyard.
It had been three months since I last had been to Murkstall, three months since I last had brought gramps something to drink. But that could wait.
If Nova's information were exact –and they were for she was no fool– the Monk Nun had brought with her a priest and recruited two female apprentices from the village's youths.
Lara and Piri.
Two nice girls that would indeed grow up to become pious servants of the Sun, I had known them for long, I had seen both their fathers and mothers die.
Yet, Lara was not somebody who would usually turn into a nun; it was likely that her love for Piri had brought her to consider taking the vows. Ever since they had lost their only family, roughly at the same time, they had become inseparable.
They would not be a problem though, I knew them enough to say so; I had to look out for the priest; I knew nothing about him.
Still, the Crystals' torchlight didn't show any shadow of movements within the Church's windows; it looked empty, it was unlikely, I had to check all the same, but really, who would even be awake at this hour?
My shadow arrow brought me to the chimney.
It wasn't active; they had turned it down before going to sleep.
Entering from it would not be my best choice of action; although it was not protected by Flow talismans, like the door that I had checked, I would leave traces of soot. People would know someone had broken in, and that was not what I wanted; I just needed to find the Nun and speak with her; that was it.
For some reason, I was sure she wouldn't call the Sunguard. I didn't know why.
So I ported down, near one of the windows, careful to stay on the side opposite to the Sunguard's hut.
I traced the window.
Window
Durability: 98%
A regular window of a church. Its glass has been worked to shape an image of the Almighty Sun.
No traces of altering.
The window frame was the same, no talismans protecting it.
It was already almost excessive to have one bound to the door in a village like this; yet, they were outsiders. They wouldn't understand.
I used Spectre's Dignity to cut the lock, then swiftly entered.
The light of the Crystal' torches welcomed me.
The Church was full of those.
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Any house that could afford it would use them.
I suddenly recalled my grandfather.
Before the Shade-plague, before the illness, before the three long years of muted desperation, before I started reaping sentients' lives as if they were nothing but flies.
The golden times.
Fucking synaesthesia brought me back a precious memory; the smell of gramps chemical ingredients as he worked on his Crystal baths for torches invaded my nostrils.
***
Although it was night, the room was illuminated as day, thanks to gramps' Flow-torches; it was late, and at that time, still barely three years old, Nova was sleeping after a way too active day, she had even made me tired trying to stay behind her many games.
The light of the torches reflected on the bow hung to the wall; its SunBronze and Bloomingwood frame as polished as gramps hand-made glazer could make it.
He had stopped using it ever since he had started giving it his all to become the village Flow-chemist.
"You know I could teach you if you wanted to; you've got a good head on your shoulders, Loke. You don't just have to be a hunter if you don't want to," he said, smiling under his massive mustache.
Little me, recumbent on gramps' desk, eyes only for grampa's Bow, shrugged, "I prefer hunting; besides, what you do is easy! I want to challenge myself in hunting as you did when you were younger, as dad did! He was a Hunter too, wasn't he?"
Gramps whispered, "Something like that… well, then I guess tomorrow is the big day, isn't it? I'm not going to shake you out of your decision, right. little monkey?"
I nodded, "Yups, just you watch! I'm going to become a Hunter in one lesson!"
Gramps laughed with his beautiful deep and raspy voice, "Yes! You actually could, Loke. But let me tell you something first," he said, placing the bathing he was working with back on the desk, "if ever came the time that you were forced to… hunt, something you didn't want to. Know that you can fight down your instincts."
Somehow, little me understood those words, "What if… what if I wanted to… hunt down things? What if it was my stupid Shade Stars pushing me? The kids say-"
He shook his head, "You don't have to listen to what the people say, Loke. Nobody is born… evil. Your father was exactly like you, yet he was one of the bravest and most loving persons I have ever met; no wonder your mom pushed away every other pretender," he said, opening into an even bigger smile, "and you are just like him. So, know this: what shapes us is the place in which we live, the people around us. So as long as you want to be a good person, Loke, you can be one, try to make friends that don't want to make you look bad, try to make friends that love you for who you are, and you shall see. Stars, whether of Shade or Flow, don't make a man's fortune."
The memory faded away after that, leaving me with wet cheeks.
I had been pushing myself too much, too much blood on my hands, too many responsibilities...
And yet... yet… no, there was no time to dwell on this now. I had to find that Nun.
***
There were at least four bedrooms to the Church on the upper floor, and I checked them all.
There was no sign of the newly vowed girls; they were likely at their house, the priest was sleeping like a log, but most importantly, there was no nun.
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Where in the Abyss had she gone?
I was in her room.
It was very tidy, with minimal furniture, mostly books.
It gave me the feeling of the room of someone… empty, spent.
She had been to the war, hadn't she? Yeah, monks could not be called as such if they weren't fighters, and like the Church's templars and paladins, they were built to support the war effort.
She had been there and had come back, likely morphed. Why would my mother and father remain there for ten whole years? It was a mystery, what were they doing there? They would have long since gained their Ultimate Class’s full might, so why stay?
I couldn't answer my question, maybe the Nun could answer even this one question for me, but I had to find her first.
When, suddenly, near her bed, on the bedside table, I saw a picture of her and Vinny, I was struck by a bolt of figurative lightning.
Of course, she was there; where else could she be at night, after looking for her sister for years.
***
The Graveyard was silent, yet Flow-torches' lights were lit at its four angles, to keep the Ghosts at bay, the villagers would say, and how right they would be.
But there was one more light near the rightmost edge of the Graveyard. It was exactly where we had first started burying our dead, exactly where the first take by the plague had been buried.
—Where Vinny was buried.
I dropped down from the nearby mountainous height, a few dozen meters from the figure sitting on the partially snow-covered ground.
Trace confirmed to me her identity.
Vanguardia Northington, Monk Level 50 (Max/500.000), Nun Level 50 (Max/500.000)
Health: 100%
Stamina: 93%
Agility: 31
Constitution: 28
Strength: 17
Focus: 23
Perception: 13
Willpower: 29
Strengths: Strength, Focus, Willpower
Weaknesses: None
Class Skills: Flexibility III (Agility), Hardness III (Constitution), Gentle Fist II (Strength), Ki III (Focus)
Sub-Class Skills: Ki-adept Body (Constitution), Cleansing III (Focus), Hear the Voice III (Perception), Righteousness III (Willpower)
Race: Human
Sex: Female
Height: 176cm
Weight: 64 kg
Age: 27
Origins: Church of the Sun
Family: None
She was my target, and she was shedding tears by a grave, her vest’ ample cuffs juggled by the winds. Still, I placed my hand on the hilt of my knife, my bow resting on my shoulders; I hadn't come here to kill… If I wasn't forced to.
Very gently, I started closing in on her, yet I wasn't even twenty meters from her when she heard me; I knew it because of a slight jerk of her head.
Yet she did not get up from the ground, nor did she put up a defensive stance; she simply stood there, her head held high, then she dried her eyes on the cuff of her vest.
"Do you know… how many times I wished I heard the voice of the Sun?"
She unexpectedly said out loud, yet not enough to be heard in the distance, but loud enough for her voice to be carried to be.
What?
"I even thought I was blessed when I was witnessed with Hear the Voice. But really, I never heard any voice. Just crystal-clear whispers…"
She slowly got up, turned around, and faced me.
"It really is you, isn't it… you've… changed?"
"Yes.”
Since the start, I had no intentions of masking my face; my hood had already been removed by the winds.
"Then, please, tell me… tell me why the first time I heard the voice of the Sun… it was to protect you of all people. I need to know."
I… I had no idea what she was talking about; I was as confused as she likely was
"The Sun spoke to you?"
She nodded gravely.
"I had told almost everything there was to know… I’m talking about the Inquisition, but when I was about to tell them how you moved with your Spectre's knife… The Sun revealed to me for the first time in my life."
My eyes twitched, "What did it say to you?"
"That I had to say no more."
Did it help me? It wasn't only a silent judge; it had directly intervened?
"Why, Loke Nightfold. Why?"
"You know who I am…"
"Why wouldn't I? This is a small village. Kids talk, people confess their misdeed. How long did you think you could hide your identity?"
"Honestly… I trusted them to not say."
She smiled, "Well, they didn't say anything to the Sunguards, that's for sure."
"But can you answer my question?" she said, her eyes half-closed, trying to restrain her tears, then her voice broke, "I beg of you… tell me I haven't wasted my life… tell me I haven't gone crazy… Tell me why I helped you…"
I had come here for answers. Instead, I had been asked questions.
"I… cannot tell you what you want to know; I have come here to ask you questions."
Once again, she dried her tears on her jacket. "Speak then…"
"You say the Sun has spoken to you… but I can't answer that question, because, since last season, he has started speaking to me as well. And I have no idea why."
Her eyes grew scarily wide.
"The Sun… speaks to you!?"
"Yes… when I Promote my Skills, or when I faint, generally when I sleep… he's a bit of a-"
Well, maybe it was better if I didn't say what I really thought of the Sun's behavior in front of the Nun.
"That's… incredible… Incredible! Please, please! Tell me; I want to know!"
"Nun… I've come here to ask you why not for being asked questions…"
"That means… it hasn't told you anything important…" she noticed.
"Pretty much. He says I'm too young for now. He says I should grow a bit more."
"Then I guess…" she smiled, "Then I guess I'll need to wait… but, why you? You are a kid, that much is clear, but you're a murderer…"
Well, thank you…
"I… won't deny that. But I won't even hide from you that, what I do... I do for necessity, or at least up until now; it has been like that."
"Just answer me this: you said that it started the previous season, that's a pretty wide window of time, so, tell me honestly, had the Sun already spoken to you when we first met?"
I knew what she was trying to get at, so I didn't waver, answering right away, "He started speaking to me two months before that. Right before I made my mission that of clearing a lair of slave-traders, and-"
"And a corrupted Sunguard… I know the story. So… it had already spoken to you."
The Nun shook her head, seemingly in denial or trying to prove something to herself; I couldn't know.
"I can't answer your questions, Loke. I'm sorry, at this point, I'm fairly confident that I know less than you, but… I intend to find out."
"One more thing, Nun."
"Please, you've met my sister; I called her Vinny," she chuckled, "well, it seems like it stuck with her. She called me Vanny, so, please, call me Vanny."
I laughed, remembering the light-heartedness of the day in which Vinny was with us. She had been good with Nova, very good. Treating her as a little sister.
"Well, Vanny, I need you to stop the harsh treatment on the Kobolds. It can't go on like this; the Sunguard has to stop."
Vanny's happy reminiscent look turned into one of disdain.
"I tried; believe me, I did. But the Sunguard act behind my back; no. They don’t really need my approval. They have decided that they don't want them in Wasteland territory and will probably stop at nothing to make them leave. I sincerely advised the Kobolds of the nearby villages that leaving was a better option than sooner or later dying by their hands."
I closed my eyes, accepting that truth.
"You brought this on them; you know that, right?"
I nodded.
"Did you manage to accept it?"
"It seems I did."
"Nightfold, listen. I don't claim to understand what the Sun wants from you, but one thing is clear. Mortal life doesn't get in the way of its plans. We are its creations; it could do with us whatever it wants, but… but that doesn't take away that you are nothing but a mortal. You should speak with somebody about what you've done… I guess it's going to happen again, so… do you want to talk about it? About what you feel?"
Nobody… nobody had ever been so direct to me. Maybe that was why, maybe that was why I started crying at that very moment, falling on the ground with my knees and begging for acceptance.
***
We spoke of gramps, we spoke of the main people I killed, but not only after the event that unfolded a few months prior; we spoke about the many people I had to kill to protect myself, Nova, and the villagers. Killing had been ingrained in me since I was but a child.
Then we spoke of Nova, we spoke of my responsibilities toward her, and I told her how utterly burdensome they were at times, or had been was the correct word, for Nova had grown a lot and very fast too. We spoke of my intentions, we even spoke about what I had to do if I ever was accepted into the City, if I ever would manage to forget what the City had done to us, for what the City really meant for me… I did not know how to answer that, but I was certain of one thing, I wanted the freedom and the easy life that it entailed. In the end, we spoke of everything, everything that came to my mind, but the Sun.
When I left, the Blessed Hour was almost upon us. It was time I headed back to the Hillhouse.
"Vanny…" I said to the puffy-eyed Nun, "next time… next time, let's talk about you."
She smiled, "Okay, and maybe you shall tell me about Vinny, about how she was before..."
“Yes. She was... using your words, an angel.”
Then I shot my arrow through the little mountain peaks and disappeared together with the last remnants of the night.
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