Dark Queen Saelil laughed in a wild and beautiful way then pronounced suffering on the already singed hero. Fire, lightning, and whirling winds assaulted the hero in a tornado of devastation. For some reason the roof of the school barely showed any damage, however.

"Why is it always magical death tornadoes? Why?!" cried Bounty Star as she weathered the storm of magical destruction.

"You're a thousand years too young to defeat me, little girl!" crowed Saelil. "You know nothing of true power!"

"Hey! I know plenty of things," countered Bounty Star in a way that made plenty of sense to her at the time.

"Perhaps if you had studied harder in school, you would know how to make a proper comeback during a battle dialog? Oh, how you shame your mother," replied Saelil. "You'll never defeat me with the power of such uninspired retorts, young lady!"

Bounty Star took a step back. Her eyes shimmered with emotion as she came to the truest realization she had ever had in her heroic life of a gorgeous love mercenary of justice. "I-I can't win...."

Saelil placed her hands to her hips then laughed once again in a mocking manner that sounded reminiscent of an overly excited clucking hen. "Oh. Ho. Ho. Ho! Of course you can't win, little girl. Your abilities are nothing, and you aren't even all that!"

The ponytailed mercenary of love slid down to her knees as the spirit of defeated entered her heart. Crushed by the realization that she was not all of that, she could not help but fall into a deep and introspective mid-battle melancholy complete with sound effects and sad piano music.

"My life is a lie..." she whispered, as tears slid down her cheeks. She threw her head back and cried iridescent rainbow tears, because what else would a magical love mercenary cry when she was sad and stuff?

"Little girl, your suffering is beautiful. Maybe if you paid more attention to –" began Saelil only for a fluffy orange cat to suddenly appear between them.

Kitty cried out, "Snap out of it Bounty Star! The queen of darkness is playing with your mind! Rise up and show her your true power!"

Bounty Star sniffled lightly and then shook her head. "No Kitty, I'm not all that... I just know it."

"Believe in yourself you stupid girl! Here, I have an ancient talisman of good luck that will help you win this battle!" Kitty rushed forward while the dark queen hovered quietly. She did nothing to stop the coming events. She did raise her arm and look at a watch that suddenly appeared on her wrist. Was this going to take her whole day? It might!

"K-kitty? Really?" asked Bounty Star.

The cat did not speak in words. She spoke in the ancient art of interpretive gymnastics. Kitty leapt into the air elegantly while the background music became a cheery pop-tune that was vaguely inspirational. It even included a short of segment of lyrics that were both out of place, mildly insulting, and somehow fitting for the scene.

~

Doo. Doo. Da doo...

Bounty— Bounty Sta-a-aar. Yeah. She's got the power to fight, and she's at least a little of all that...

Just don't mention that her ass looks kinda fat in her power sui-hoo-hoooot! Leave that cake alone, super kawaii gorgeous love mercenary... Kokoro! Kokoro shining destiny!

Ohh-woo-a-hoo... Bounty Star. Yeah!

~

All the while that the theme song was playing, Kitty performed a slow-motion backflip in mid-air. Sparkles shot outward as she passed through the air in a majestic and whimsical arc. Those sparkles flew together and formed into the magical ancient talisman of luck, a hot pink colored plasma pistol.

"Kitty..." breathed Bounty Star in a deep and dramatic manner, "What is this..."

"It's your old personal firearm from the Mercenary Millenium! Shining Kokoro Mercenary Love Pulse Pew Pew!" intoned Kitty in a serious manner bereft of humor.

"That's... a really long name for a gun," said Bounty Star thoughtfully.

Kitty performed the cat equivalent of a shrug. She basically hunched a little then shook her head. "What can I say? Dubs might be a little too literal at times, but at least you can understand the words in your current native language and know you aren't being lied to by subtitles."

"Right..." said Bounty Star, as though that made sense. Her eyes narrowed and she became super determined and stuff. Shining Kokoro Mercenary Love Pulse Pew Pew firmly in hand, she struck a heroic pose and repeated herself. "Right!"

"Are you done yet? I mean, you're not exactly my whole day," said Saelil with a bored sigh.

"I'm going to use this Shining Kokoro Mercenary Love Pulse Pew Pew to show you the meaning of true power!" cried Bounty Star.

Saelil thrust her hands out sideways and wiggled her shoulders a bit in a mocking display. "Bring it!"

"Oh, it's already been brought-ed!" announce Bounty Star.

Ancient luck talisman in hand, Bounty Star threw herself sideways to avoid an incoming torrent of flames. Using her super-secret memories of her awesome past as a Mercenary princess in the Mercenary Millennium, she realized how she should activate her new old weapon.

Bounty Star drew upon all of her feelings of love, and chocolate, and stuff then turned them into magical energy. That energy flowed into her pistol and she intoned the ancient words of command. "Pew. Pew. Pew."

Three bolts of concentrated love and justice shot out, though they moved in a strangely slow manner. The queen narrowly dodged the blasts then laughed. "You call that power? I'll show you!"

An epic nineties anime style musical score began to play in the back ground, complete with synthesizers, lots of bass, and a lyricists who sang out in a deep and powerful voice for no reason.

~The battles begun, and they're puttin' it all on the line to see who's really all of that. ~

Bounty Star and the dark queen began an epic battle montage. The love mercenary threw herself sideways repeatedly to avoid torrents of flame, while she pew pew'ed her heroic little heart out. The music played on all the while, the vocalist sounding a little like that one guy who sings things on the award winning animated series, South Park.

~Don't give up! Battle is hard and stuff!

Bounty Star!

You're the only one who can save the day. Save the day! ~

Bounty Star leapt atop of an air conditioning unit and unleashed a rapid fire series of pew pews, while Saelil dodged and flitted about in the air. The dark queen laughed maniacally all the while, and even struck dramatic poses mid-air to emphasize how she was clearly winning this part of the battle despite the heroine's best efforts. Pew. Pew.

~Your ass is fat, but your boobs are tight. Keep on fighting, with all of your might!

Bounty Star!

A Love Mercenary you are! Kicking evil's sexy fan service-y ass! Yeah!

Bring it. Bring i-iit! ~

Bounty Star gritted her teeth and became super serious as the montage neared its end. She pew pewed all over the place, and even managed to hit the dark queen in the shoulder!

~Fighting is tough, but you'll show her that you're all of that. Yeah!~

Bring it! Bring It! Mercenary of Looo-oove!

As the song reached its conclusion, Saelil had realized that she'd had enough.

"I've had enough!" cried Saelil dramatically. She unleashed an extreme torrent of magical energy that she really should have led the battle off with to be honest, and blasted Bounty Star clear off the roof.

Thinking quickly, the magical love mercenary twisted in mid-air. She landed heroically atop a hovering vehicle that looked a lot like a land speeder from Star Wars, because fuck it why not?

"You won't escape me, little girl!" cried Saelil.

The dark queen chased after her in one of those overly long and drawn out chase sequences that action shows like to have. Bounty Star looked behind herself now and then and let off a series of pew pews, while she weaved expertly through traffic and the buildings in town.

Saelil launched a massive fireball that missed Bounty Star entirely. It did however, strike a gleaming red corvette parked outside of a local pizza shack.

A balding middle-aged man rushed out, saw the destruction then fell to his knees. He beat the pavement with his fists while the sunlight gleamed off of his bald scalp. "I just made the last payment! Why god? Why!"

An appropriate amount of property damage accrued during their needless chase sequence, Saelil managed to tag the speedy love mercenary with a fireball that destroyed her hoverbike and sent her flying.

Mercenary bodysuit in artfully destroyed tatters, Bounty Star clung to the top of a light pole atop of a freeway overpass. Her love mercenary powers were nigh-exhausted from her hardcore pew pewing all over town. It was all she could do not to fall to the ground, and possibly be slightly injured due to her powers actually making such things trivial even in her exhausted state.

Saelil flew toward her menacingly. She struck a sexy pose that showed her evil fan service oriented cleavage to good effect. "In the end, this is all that you amount to... Your mother would be so disappointed."

"Again with this?" Bounty Star waved one hand dramatically at the queen while she clung to the light pole "Why do you keep bringing up my mother?"

Saelil laughed gregariously, but then when she spoke her voice became odd. It took on a hissing quality and echoed a bit. "Foolish girl. I am your mother."

"What?" asked Bounty Star, confused.

"No..." she continued. Her eyes shimmering with emotions and stuff, she looked up at Saelil. "That can't be true!"

Saelil thrust one hand forward and acquired a dark smile. "Search your feelings, Bounty Star. You know it is so."

"No! That's impossible!" cried Bounty Star.

"Why do I let you live, despite being on opposite sides?" asked Saelil as she drifted forward. "For what purpose did you think you were being trained?"

"No. No.... You can't be," said Bounty Star.

"You think me evil?" Saelil asked in a slightly pouty tone. Her eyes narrowed and her lips quirked into a wicked smile. "I assure you that I am."

"You're a monster!" cried Bounty Star. "Wicked to the core!"

"Thank you, sweety. Now is not the time for flattery, however." Saelil flew closer to Bounty Star and loomed over her. "There is much that you do not know, and the time is short."

She stretched her hand out to her shaking daughter. "Come. Join me. Let us rule the galaxy as mother and daughter."

"Like no way!" retorted Bounty Star. "You can't even be my mother anyway. She's a human woman and not a dark elf!"

"What? You get to have a magical transformation and I don't?" asked Saelil, her eyes alight with amusement.

"I'm not gonna join you! So there!" Bounty Star stuck out her tongue and made a rude flapping noise with her lips. "Pbbt."

"Don't talk back to your mother, young lady! Taking over the galaxy is the only way!" exclaimed Saelil. "We're doing it and that's final!"

"But mooo-om!" wailed Bounty Star.

"Young lady, we do not have time for this! It will be too late if we don't do something, soon!" cried Saelil, this time a hint of concern appeared in her eyes.

"What—?" asked Bounty Star intelligently.

A blistering wave of heat washed down from the sky before Saelil could speak. Her eyes widened, and she lost some of her amused smugness. "It's too late...."

"What is?" asked Bounty Star.

A maniacal laugh pealed like thunder as it rolled across the land. "Foolish Earth people! The time has come..."

"No. No... I wasn't ready," said Saelil. She shook her head then looked at her staff. Would it be enough? Could she defeat the worst foe imaginable on her own?

"What's going on?" asked Bounty Star.

"They warned us... They've known for years and most did nothing..." whispered Saelil darkly.

"Who? What warning?" asked Bounty Star.

The force from the heavens pealed like thunder once more. "Feel the burn!"

Bounty Star looked to the sky and saw there a shining figure who gleamed golden in the light. She was nearly naked save for a barely there swimsuit looking thing that might as well have been dental floss. Also, she had one eye covered by her hair so she could look all mysterious and stuff.

The shining figure struck a wildly erotic and cried out ecstatically. Thousands of balls of energy formed all around her. Soon, however, those balls of energy morphed into giant flaming tits. Those flaming boobs streaked toward the ground like meteors entering the atmosphere and struck like high-powered explosives when they crashed.

"Who is that? Answer me!" cried Bounty Star.

"A being of light who seeks to plunge this world into eternal darkness out of boredom." Saelil sighed softly. "I sought to raise an army of darkness to fight against her sinister light, but I could not even get my own foolish daughter to join me in my arduous task."

She turned tear-stained eyes to her daughter and said, "Some mercenary queen I am, huh?"

More flaming tits struck the earth. The people cried out in despair as at no time in history had breasts ever made them feel bad. They were supposed to be a thing of joy and wonderment! Yet, the greatest gift ever given to man was the tool of its flaming destruction.

"How would you even fight that? What is she?" asked Bounty Star.

"Global warning, sweety." Saelil took a deep breath then looked away from her daughter and back up at the shining figure in the sky. "Global Warming has finally arrived."

"Global..." Bounty Star blinked. "I thought that had to do with like the ozone layer and stuff. You know, how the windmills were blowing it away so we can get rid of it?"

Saelil blinked, slowly. She turned back toward her daughter. "Child, what are they teaching you here? You break my heart."

"That's not right?" asked Bounty Star.

"No. Those windmills aren't to get rid of the ozone layer. They get rid of global warming," said Saelil.

Maniacal laughter roared across the land as more and more flaming tits descended from the sky. Bounty Star asked, "How? If they aren't used to blow away the ozone layer?"

Saelil nodded to Bounty Star. "Everyone knows that the only thing global warming fears is windmills."

"She... is afraid of windmills?" asked Bounty Star. She nearly lost her grip on her light pole when she heard that.

"Yes. Something about how they spin just creeps her the hell out, and can even cause her exploding tit bombs to be blown away," said Saelil. She continued in a serious tone of voice. "If we had enough of them, she would not dare show her face on our planet."

"No way... I never knew that's how it worked." Bounty Star shook her head gently. "It's too late. Isn't it."

Before Saelil could answer, another voice chimed in to derail to conversation. "I believe in you Bounty Star!"

"Friendship Mask! You came for me again!" cried Bounty Star. Her excited turned to annoyance. "Bitch. Why'd you leave me in the first place?"

Friendship Mask raised up his snow cone and waved it at her. "Can't a brother get a frozen snack treat? It's hot out here, you know."

"Brother?" asked Saelil curiously.

"Figure of speech, probably," said Friendship Mask. He smooshed his snow cone against his mask like he was trying to eat it.

"Anyway, I believe in you and junk. So, go save the world," said Friendship Mask.

"Aren't you going to help?" asked Bounty Star.

"I... could, I guess. But gee... I do have this poor snow cone to think about. Its entire reason to exist is found in being my personal snack treat. I wouldn't want to ruin its life's work by not allowing it to complete its journey," said Friendship Mask.

"Oh. That poor snow cone... I didn't know it was like that," said Bounty Star, her voice sad and her eyes filled with emotion.

Saelil blinked then sighed in a defeated manner. "Global warming is going to kill us all."

"That's a myth, isn't it?" asked Friendship Mask. A flaming tit exploded in the distance. A wave of heat washed over them which caused his snow cone to melt a little faster.

"Does that look like a myth to you?" asked Saelil in annoyance.

Friendship Mask looked up at the nearly nude villain of the day. He let out a low whistle. "If she's a myth I wanna bust her."

"What does that even mean?" asked Saelil.

"Global warming is clearly real! See!" She pointed at the glowing woman once more.

"I reject your reality and substitute my own," continued Friendship Mask.

"But she's right there!" Saelil waved her hands around and gestured toward the laughing cosmic voyagers as she rained burning death down upon the Earth.

"So what? I'm supposed to change my whole life because of something that was going to happen anyway? Lame," said Friendship Mask. "If it's this big inevitable thing, why weren't we focused on changing stuff so that we can adapt to the changes in the environment instead of just shrieking about it for political gain?"

Bounty Star wiped some sweat from her brow then began to work her body to the side so that she could slide down the utility pole. Why should she be the only uncomfortable one?

"You... This wasn't inevitable! We could have stopped her from coming at all!" exclaimed Saelil. "We can still make her leave before it gets too much worse!"

"Right, because that's a thing people can do," he said with a snort. "Great big flaming bitch from the stars is coming, and people can stop it."

He rubbed his snow cone against his masked lips. "I know. Let's all get on the Internet and bitch about her. That'll make her go away. She might even quit Twitter."

"How?" asked Bounty Star, while she ignored Friendship Mask's sarcasm. She now stood on her own two feet once more.

"I'm not sure... My powers won't do much. Fire and electricity are things she uses. Your love and his friendship alone aren't enough either," said Saelil.

Bounty Star heard her words and then recalled that Friendship Mask wanted her to believe in herself. She quickly realized something. "What if we combined our powers?"

"It... could work..." said Saelil.

Friendship Mask raised his snow cone. "I'm down for a little combining, ladies."

They each gave him their approximation of a sour expression then looked to each other and sighed. Saelil then asked, "So, what's your plan?"

"Well... er... how do people combine powers?" asked Bounty Star.

Another wave of heat washed over them. This time Friendship Mask's snow cone melted into a cup of luke warm flavored water.

The white eyes on his mask narrowed dangerously. "No... It was so young."

Friendship Mask threw his liquid snow cone to the side and strutted over to them. "I'll show you how it's done, ladies"

The background music shifted to what could only be called porn music from the 1970s. Bow chicca wow. Chicca. Wow. Wow.

"I.... don't know about this," said Bounty Star.

Friendship Mask raised his hand up and offered it to her. "Gurl. We got this!"

"Oh. This you can stay around for, but actual fighting..." muttered Bounty Star.

"Too much has been lost to this monster already..." Friendship Mask looked back to his discarded snow cone. "I cannot sit on the sidelines... not this time."

"Really?" she asked with a snort.

He placed his hand to her shoulder and nodded his head. "I refuse to lose anything else that I love."

Bounty Star's cheeks reddened slightly, but then she muttered something about how she just worked here. His hand was soon removed from her shoulder with a swat of her hand.

"You know, we could just hold hands and allow our energies to synchronize together to form a representational desire to defeat global warming and save the earth," said Saelil.

"Guess so..." said Bounty Star.

"Hell yeah. Gimme some of that sweet hand action, ladies," said Friendship Mask.

Against their better judgement Saelil and Bounty Star held hands with the masked man. Soon they began to hum and vibrate a little as their powers rose.

A yellow mist shaped like a rose appeared before Friendship mask. A pink explosion of light appeared before Bounty Star. Strangely, a sorceress pole dancing with her staff appeared before Saelil.

These three powers formed together into one giant mass of energy. This energy expanded and took on the shape of a masked man who held a little plastic pinwheel in his hands.

"By your powers combined.... I am Captain Pinwheel!" cried the masked man. He held his pinwheel aloft then raced off towards the invasive force known as Global Warming.

"Go get 'em Captain Pinwheel!"

The background music changed once more, this time announcing the arrival of Captain Pinwheel. Friendship Mask began to sing along with it. "Captain Pinwheel... He's our hero. Gonna spin his pinwheel, have no fear no..."

Saelil and Bounty Star looked to Friendship Mask then to each other. Was any of this even happening?

"He's our powers that coincide, Global Warming just cant hi-iide," continued Friendship Mask.

"Who are you?" asked Global Warming in a menacing and dramatic tone.

"I am the hope of the planet given life by the power of love, friendship, and fan service!" Captain Pinwheel shoved his pinwheel forward and waved it around a bit. "Especially the fan service."

He inclined his head forward a bit and spoke in a conspiratorial tone. "Get it?" He waved his pinwheel around a bit for emphasis. "Fan— Service?"

"No! A tiny whimsical windmill! Get it away! Get it away!" exclaimed Global Warming as the tiny pinwheel began to totes creep her out. Though, the pun might have been worse in truth.

Captain Pinwheel called upon all of his might powers and made an extra-large pinwheel. He then spun it at her with all the strength he could muster.

"So creepy!" exclaimed Global Warming. "It just keeps spinning, and spinning, but it doesn't ever go anywhere!"

"Take it! Take my pinwheel you dirty—" began Captain Pinwheel.

"No! The only thing I hate more than a windmill are bad sex jokes, and nuclear energy!" interrupted Global Warming. "It's so efficient that nuclear energy has to be hiding some dark secret somewhere! Thank goodness it gets such terrible press, or I'd just have a bad day all around!"

"I could make a nuclear powered pinwheel sex toy if you like?" taunted Captain Pinwheel.

His words caused all sound to stop for a moment. Global Warming blinked slowly, then looked away as a slight blush formed on her cheeks.

"T-this planet is creepy and weird," she said awkwardly. Another brief moment of silence passed.

"Screw you guys! I'm going home!" decreed Global Warming after the awkward moment ended. She spun on her heels imperiously, her booty jiggling for dramatic effect and hopefully a ratings boost were this actually a television show.

After Global Warming left, Captain Pinwheel returned to the trio who summoned him into being. "We did it... and it was all thanks to the strength of your love, friendship, and fan service..."

"You're so powerful..." said Bounty Star in a cheerful tone.

"No. The power is yours...." said Captain Pinwheel, before he exploded into motes of pinwheel shaped light then faded from existence.

Global Warming was defeated by her ancient nemesis, and soon people went back to ignoring her existence. Some began to think she was nothing but a conspiracy hatched by the Toll House Corporation to extort more cookie money out of people, somehow.

Clearly she did not exist at all. Just in case, however, they tore down all of the nuclear plants and put up a few more windmills. She had mentioned something about not liking nuclear energy and that became twisted into the idea that nuclear plants should be demolished because they were bad. At any rate, a few more windmills would fix her good on the off chance that she was real. Better safe than sorry, right?

A few people fought the destruction of the nuclear plants, and believed that more nuclear reactors would help the situation. Fools. Didn't they know that you can't fight global warming, or hug a friend, with nuclear arms? Clearly nuclear plants and nuclear weapons were the same thing. So, the people in favor of nuclear plants were rounded up, put into a cannon, and shot off into space.

The dreamscape began to fade away not long after that, and soon it disappeared altogether. Samantha slowly returned to wakefulness back on her ship. It took her a moment to realize what had happened, but then her eyes widened.

"I.... Have many questions," she said simply.

She did indeed have many curious questions in regard to what had just happened. Her brain and the nanobots had concocted one hell of a dream, but there were many parts of it seemed to have a deeper meaning. Some of it even related to her personally.