Domestic Affairs

Chapter 16

I saw Agony off with a hug two days after he arrived, the visit casually extending until he received notice that the tutorial was not on fire. A situation much like if I found the upper layers of my dungeon on fire. Distressing, to say the least, and so he was off with a quick hug and a can of every-flavor cola as a parting gift. Or what I had thought was cola. Seeing it in his arms as he labored to carry it through the portal back to the tutorial, I noticed that the label looked suspiciously different.

“Whis” was partly visible in cola font and I recalled how he’d seemed surprised at the size of the cup I’d made for him and stopped at two. It also explained why I’d found a pile of obsidian slag next to his mini lava pool bed after he’d spent a night up gambling with the skeletons. I’d found the sudden appearance of glass odd, and with a better idea of what was happening figured out that his insistence on ignoring it had probably been out of embarrassment.

“Hey-” I was about to ask if I was right about the contents being more flexible when a scream erupted from the portal. Agony and I both flinched and with a sheepish look, he darted through to get started on putting his tutorial back in order.

“I think I just gave him a can of booze bigger than he is,” I said to Christopher who’d joined me in sending him off. All of the skeletons had seemed fond of him, but he’d really hit it off with Chris, and they’d gotten up to some shenanigans the others were still grumbling about.

“Heh, was wondering if you’d catch that,” Chris replied and made a grinding chuckle noise. Like the rest of the skeletons, he was physically mute but had somehow managed to create approximations of the teeth sucking ‘tch’ sound and laughter. Feats he’d accomplished without any of the fleshy components or breathing normally associated. I got the feeling that if he’d had them, he’d be the guy who could make all manner of sounds with alarming accuracy at parties.

“I’m very observant,” I answered back with a comical thrust of my chest, knowing I’d been slow. Since it was cola for me, I’d assumed it would be for everyone who tried one. I was going to have to think of something to call it instead of “every-flavor Cola”, and “Chaos Beverage” was the first thing that popped into my head, confirming I was still bad at naming things.

“Uhm, mistress? I meant to ask sooner but Agony gave me an idea for a better bone for my last name,” Chris started, and I went still, listening with interest and wondering what sort of awkward thing they’d cooked up.

“Coccyx, because Rogues do it from behind!” he said, seeming pleased when I giggled on cue.

“I thought it was going to be something weird like Baculum,” I replied and patted him on the shoulder.

“What the fuck is a Baculum?” He asked, crude but not trying to be rude.

“A bone for fucking,” I said cheerfully, and he paused, jaw hanging down in shock. Explaining alternative anatomy in animals took a couple minutes but Chris nodded enthusiastically the whole way through. I couldn’t be sure if they were a thing on this world, but the odds were good that nature was just as weird here if not more so.

“Alright, I’ve got dungeon stuff to do,” I said, and Chris fidgeted instead of leaving which I took as a sign that he had something more important than ass bones to discuss.

“Yessss?” I asked when he didn’t come forward with anything after a few moments.

“Well, uhm… You gave us stuff to do and things to read… but it’s kind of boring in the necropolis,” Chris admitted. I was taken aback for a moment but nodded. Despite mentioning books I’d only started to make minimal headway in teaching him to read, so he probably didn’t get much out of that. He seemed to like the games but was kind of a gremlin, catching on to the rules quickly and cheating less to get chips and more because he was bored.

“What’s something you’d like to do?” I asked, not sure what he’d enjoy.

“I’d really like some heroes to fight, but I get why that’s not an option yet,” He said, apparently not having thought of a solution on his own yet. I mulled the issue over and suddenly felt like something popped inside my head. It was a weird chewing gum on a flight kind of feeling, and it coincided with sudden inspiration. My new equivalent to a lightbulb turning on it seemed.

“How about mock raids? You guys form parties and then take on the dungeon from the top level down to your own?” I offered, feeling a little giddy. I’d wanted to test things, and this seemed like a good way to do it.

“You could also set up a league and keep score,” I added, knowing they liked to gamble. It would be something extra for them to do and help me fine-tune the experience.

“That… I’m going to go tell the others!” He said then scampered off back through the mirror, clearly excited. The rest of the bone brigade, as I was calling the skeletons collectively, was immediately interested in the idea, so I explained how to do a bracketed tournament set up but left them to devise the rest of the system. Coming up with the rules and testing them was its own activity, and soon they were as busy as bees.

With that going on, I concentrated on buying land on the surface, wanting to acquire the full valley eventually. For the moment I concentrated on the floor of it and the shores of the lake. I wanted to own everything between my entrance and the stone maze at the entrance of the valley first. Having that in hand I’d have a couple hours lead time on any hero’s heading down to pay me a visit. I also had an idea for initial management.

Messing with the ecology a touch, I increased the density of the grass growing in the sections I owned. I created a lush pasture, before adding in some sheep, chickens, and horses from samples Elim graciously ‘borrowed’ from a dealer in the town where he was at. Once they were in stock, I upgraded them to the best quality and found I could specify gender in my purchases but that their appearances were random.

Using bits refined from the shed and things Elim provided, I added a house, chicken coops, and livestock shelter to give the impression of a small farmstead. A week passed as I played around, building up my dollhouse-like farm and the skeletons worked out their points system for the raids. Once I felt I had enough land to suit my immediate needs, I turned my attention to the lower layer.

Though I’d thought of it as an employee lounge, the lava room at the bottom was still where a boss room should be. Like with the Skeletons, I decided that it needed to be separate so that its users would have a place to rest and respawn. Also, there was the issue of Stalin and Blackmore's eventual pups and keeping them safe. I didn’t want an adventurer seeing them and deciding to get a quick exp bump by killing them.

Creating a separate chamber next to the boss area by sliding the tiles over wasn’t difficult but left me with an empty boss room. Feeling impish I sketched out a plan that was like the one I’d created in the tutorial dungeon. A nice big game of the “the floor is lava”. Only this time I was careful about sniper nests and set the altar where my core might have rested up too high to get a shot at easily.

My core, the idea of setting it on a pedestal didn’t appeal to me but it had been relatively accessible within the dungeon. I created a pillar of strong stone with a flower-like carving at the top and set my core into it gently. It would give it a little cover but not violate the rules by blocking access completely. A shiver ran down my spine like it always did whenever I moved it around.

The instinct to wrap myself around it like a brooding goose wasn’t gone but thankfully under control. I could technically do my work even in that kind of state, but it was a terrible idea. Seeing the layouts, I created firsthand and tweaking them directly was far more effective than doing so remotely.

“Mistress! What are you doing?” Blackmore called out, coming down the stairs from an upper floor. Her tone was excited rather than worried, she liked it when I made changes.

“I moved your area over to the left and I’m about to put a seal on the passage between it and the boss room to keep adventurers out,” I said, distracted as lines of paint appeared on the placeholder tiles. I could have just sketched my design out on an image layer, but it was more interesting to do it on the actual floor. It let me float around and move things before I committed to buying new tiles or tweaking existing ones.

“What kind of seal?” Stalin asked, interested since it was his turf unlike when I made changes to the higher levels.

“Hm? Good question,” I said and started looking through my options. It would have to wait until the refresh to buy, but that was fine. The mirror was handy in the bone brigade’s area, since it suggested that the skeletons were spawned by magic rather than walking through a portal. For the hounds, I need something that would be camouflaged and keep adventurers out even if they did find it.

I settled on a portal enchantment like the mirror at the back of a lava fall I placed against the wall. Once the refresh hit, I put it in and had the hounds test it. They passed through and back without any issue. Satisfied I added a developmental restriction to it. Only monsters that were at the young adult level of maturity and over could pass through it into the boss room.

I waited, curious if this was going to trigger an obstruction alarm. Nothing happened and I ticked off a mental box on my checklist, a question I’d had for awhile finally answered. So long as the path to the boss room wasn’t obstructed and nothing in the room was required to progress it seemed like it was fine to block some area’s off. I’d been wondering about it since I’d noticed certain pit traps led to dead ends where you could place additional traps or deadly elements like acid.

To mark it more clearly, I also crudely sculpted a rock, so it looked like a hound in a vague natural way. Stalin in a helpful mood doubled down by pissing on my new sculpture.

“Thanks, buddy,” I said, and he started getting excited, expecting to be pet. Knowing he was just doing what was natural I laughed and gave in to his expectation. Blackmore hurriedly followed suit, wanting to be a good girl too and soon I was petting both.

“Oh, shit, it’s almost time for the night raid to start,” I said, noticing the time. The hounds didn’t wait for me, there posture turning alert before they raced to reach the skeletons level. It had taken a little while to get a point system worked out but after some testing and arguing the bone brigade had felt confident that they had developed a working system and were ready to start their first season of competition.

I floated after the hounds as quickly as I could, not wanting to miss a minute of the games. There was also the issue of everyone else needing me there as well. I hadn't figured out a workaround yet, so I used my viewing ability in share mode to let everyone watch the team make its way down. I'd be lying if I said my speed was selflessly motivated though.

I had a fat stack of commemorative first-season chips bet on the Azure Devil Turkeys. Sliding into my seat I got the view up and enlarged, so everyone could watch. Thanks to arriving late the team was already on the move but hadn’t hit any obstacles yet. Once they did, the game was a comedy of errors as the skeletons for the first time in their existence had to contend with the environment as an enemy.

"Five blue chips the moles don't go for it," I shouted, adding a new bet while I watched them concur the bat hive boss room. The moles still couldn't communicate with me since I was taking it slowly, giving them hearing back. The magic of the dungeon system let them adapt quickly but I knew they were uncomfortable with having gained a new sense out of the blue.

I lost those chips, the moles turning out in force to give the Azure Devil Turkeys a sound beating despite losing in the end. By the end of the night, I'd lost quite a few chips which were then redistributed among the luckier or more intuitive betters. Even Stalin and Blackmore got in on the fun and made some bets.

Will no real death possible for any of the parties participating, the combat was brutal. No one held back even when they reached their own level. The defending team called the Black Demon Rabbits coming out of the mirror hot and ready to win. The BD Rabbits took the win in the end but the Azure Devil Turkeys gathered a lot of points, so their season was far from over.

Since there were two positions that were played very differently defenders gained points by repelling the invading team. The invading team earned points by how well they fared against the dungeon at large and the defending team. In the second round of the season, the teams would trade places and then a victor would be decided.

The Necropolis was full of excited cheers, booing, and curses as chips were won and lost with dizzying speed. By the time the game was done everyone was ready to party and I excused myself, not wanting my status as the boss to dampen their fun.

By the next day, the bone brigade was busy exchanging notes and talking with the participants. they were eager to put their skulls together and figure out how things could be improved or where things could be trimmed to run smoother.

With so much going on and my renovations progressing steadily, time flew. My only marker for the passage of time that had any meaning was Elims' weekly report. All too quickly I had three of them and felt a familiar tingle of dread. A party of adventurers was tip tap tapping at my door.