Chapter 167

Hearts of Desolation (III)

Clouds of blood sprung around like a mist, claws energetically reaching out from within, raspy and high-pitched laughter mingling and echoing throughout the world. She was trapped, with no way out. The sun was shaded, the world keeled to the dark, and she was helpless. For some reason, she couldn’t use her Mana. She couldn’t use her Skills, she couldn’t use her items, and, worst of all, she couldn’t even move. All she could do was stand there, shaking, and wait. Wait for something. And then, in the midst of horror, a flicker of golden light surged like a tidal wave; at first it was faint, distant, yet, over time, just like the wave approaching the shore, it grew larger and larger until it swallowed the whole world and cleansed it free of the dark.

She reached out toward the light, but it flickered out of the existence immediately after, reeling her back into the reality, though cleansed of what she believed to be evil, that was... hollow and lonely.

“Aah!” Emma cried out as she jumped abruptly, heaving heavily and shaking. A dream, she realized swiftly as she examined her surroundings. She was in a damp and dusty room barely lit by a couple of lanterns hanging on the walls, one as silent as her dream was. No, it was a nightmare; or, at the very least, a mixture of the two. “Ugh,” she groaned as a sudden headache besieged her and forced her to clasp at her temples. Just then, the memories came surging back, one after another, like bolts of thunder streaking directly into her mind.

“Em’.” a gentle, soothing, loving voice called out to her in the midst of the raging storm, pulling her attention out. She looked up and saw him standing by the door’s frame, a look of pain in his eyes, yet, beneath it, one of love and worry. She hurried to her feet and stumbled forward, tossing herself into his embrace. He hugged her back silently, and pressed his palms against her back. They were warm, tender, calming. Though she continued to shake, the ravaging thoughts gnawed and ate at her less, and with much weaker ferocity. “It’s okay. You’re safe.” he whispered into her ear, his voice like a guide through a maze of her own mind.

He led her back, sitting her next to a window and pouring her a cup of water. Feeling parched, she quickly drank it only to realize another was waiting for her. Yet, even his presence, and all the might of his gaze, was unable to stop the memories. They flooded her, and completed a picture -- a full story of what happened.

“Diya--Diya!! Is--you saved us?! You saved her, right?!!” she jumped up abruptly and, wide-eyed and crazed, latched onto his arms, more so demanding rather than asking.

“... Em’--”

“Tell me you saved her C’! Please, please, tell me... tell me you saved her...” the demands slowly turned into pleas, just as her voice slowly began to crack.

“I... I wish I could do that, Em’.”

“... no.”

“...”

“No, no, no, no...” tears began to stream out of her eyes as her lips quaked, each word coming out more desperate than the last. A mountain crashed upon her lungs and it held there; she couldn’t breathe, couldn’t move, couldn’t think.

“Hey,” he patted her gently on the back, infusing a clam stream of energy directly into her. The mountain vanished, and she felt free, again. For a moment, at least. “I understand you’re going through stuff, but you’ve literally dug your nails into my spleen.”

“W-what? Oh--I’m, I’m sorry,” Emma pulled her arms back abruptly, noting the bloodied fingernails and the fresh blood gently flowing out of Cain’s wound. A moment later, however, it disappeared, the only evidence it was ever there the red stain on his shirt. “She... she’s really... really dead?” Emma asked, forcing out a weak smile.

“... yeah.” Cain replied honestly. “She is.”

“It’s my fault.”

“Em--”

“It’s all my fault, C’,” she said, crying out. “I killed her. I killed them all. God, so... how many died? There... there was so much blood, everywhere. Everywhere. I--”

“It’s not your fault, Em’.”

“But it is!” she retorted, swatting his arm away. Her disarrayed hair fell about freely, hardly covering her maddened gaze and expression; rather, it added fuel to the image. “All of it. I accepted the quest. I led them. I led them straight into that hell, Cain. It was all me!! You--you’d never let it happen!! Fuck, you were god-knows how many miles away, and you saved us somehow! I--”

“--enough.” he interrupted harshly, causing her to take a step back and reel under his heavy gaze. The room was fairly dark, an overcast shadow falling across his face, making it all appear even heavier. “It’s not your fault, Em’. You... you led them. Fought with them. Tried by blood to help them. I... I was out, fuckin’ frolicking. I won’t let you pin this on your shoulders.”

“... and what? You’ll pin it on yours?” she chuckled strangely for a moment. “Why, C’? Even a fucking moron knows this has nothing to do with you.”

“It has everything to do with me!!” he exclaimed back. “None of this would have happened if it weren’t for me, Emma!! I’ve changed... I’ve changed everything! And what for?! I’ve messed up with countless lives, caused so much main and so much death, because... because why?! I’m curious what’s the end-game of this place? So, no -- it is on me. All of it is.”

“... fuck you.”

“H-huh?”

“You heard me,” she added. “Fuck you. I don’t need you to coddle me like a child, C’. I fucked up. I fucked up big. And, because of it, a lot of people died. I don’t need you to rescue me from it. I ain’t a damsel-princess and you ain’t no fucking knight. What you did... what you did was give us an opportunity -- and repeatedly warn us that this place is hell. You told us, time and again, that. But... we--I... ignored it. I forgot that without you babysitting our asses, we don’t know what the fuck we are doing. And... you know what? It hurts. It burns like a bitch. All I wanna do is fucking curl up and pass out. But... I won’t. Soon enough, others will wake up. And... and you and I--we need to hold them together, C’. We need to. I failed Diya, but by God, I can’t fail the other kids too.”

“You didn’t fail her, Em’.”

“... were you there?”

“H-huh? What?”

“I’m asking--were you there?” she repeated.

“... no.”

“Then how the fuck do you know if I failed her?”

“...”

“She... she saved my life, Cain,” Emma added abruptly after a brief silence, her temporarily-restored countenance breaking down again as the tears began to flood. “I... I died.”

“Wait--what?!”

“I died,” she said, laughing eerily for a moment. “I... I struggled, but it was pointless. Every second, my health bar kept dropping and dropping and dropping. And then... and then... it hit a ‘0’. It was empty, Cain. Completely.”

“...”

“I closed my eyes,” she added. “As ready as I’ll ever be. And then... a notification popped out.”

“...”

“’Your party member, Diya, has used ‘Bead of Salvation’ on you, granting you a second chance!” Emma repeated, word for word, the notification that was seared directly into her memory. “And... I was back to full health. Healthy as a lamb. And I turned around... to thank her.”

“...”

“You know what I saw?”

“.. no.”

“She was dead,” Emma mumbled through a weep. “Dead, C’. Lying there... motionless. Why?! Why... why did she use that damned thing on me?! She could have saved herself!” though Cain knew the answer to ‘why’, he remained mute, near-choking himself. “She... she could have saved herself...” Emma tossed herself back into his arms again, crying out like a newborn babe.

There was nothing Cain could do or say to comfort her; rather, he nearly had made it all worse by trying. Some pain... needed to be felt. Some moments couldn’t be remedied through words and through reassurance. Sometimes, a heart needed to be broken, no matter the cures. It was one of the strange paradoxes of living, Cain had learned some time ago; pain, as unwanted as it was, often was the cure for itself. Ignoring it would only make it fester and grow, and a magic trick was yet to be invented that could vanish it away.

Emma needed to be broken, Cain realized then. All of them, likely, in their own ways would need to be as well. And... he can’t stop that. He can’t wave his hand and make the pain go away. That didn’t mean, however, he would just sit by the side and watch them break; he would be there, for whatever they needed. Someone to yell at, someone to hug or punch, someone to just be with them. He’d have to be to them everything he never had in his previous life.

Sighing, he clutched his arms around her more tightly, letting her weep freely. His heart was cracking further with each of her tears, and the helplessness was tearing away at him; watching the one person he loved more than the rest of everything combined break down in his arms... and being unable to do anything to help her other than just wrapping his arms around her... was more painful than all the scars he’d borne in his last life.

On the other hand, however, Emma’s thoughts swam elsewhere; all the pain, all the guilt, everything she thought would break her... didn’t. The arms tightly wrapped around her seemed to absorb all of it, slowly, little by little, alleviating the mountain. Chopping away at it like a sharp and unrelenting sword. And... she remembered. Amidst the wounded silence interrupted by her cries, memories far older than the fresh wounds began flooding her mind as well -- distant, almost-buried ones, of a young boy holding a young girl in silence, changing her world, one day at a time. She looked up, her eyes red with blood, at the familiar face that had become distant for years. He has returned, she knew at that moment -- the man she fell in love with and the man she said ‘yes’ to. He’s come back home, just like she dreamed thousands upon thousands of times.