Chapter 4

It occurred to me at some point that the idea of ‘importance’ was a convoluted and rather frustrating thing to figure out. It was after a long period of doing absolutely nothing that I arrived at the conclusion that trying to figure out what should or should not be important was a pointless and fruitless endeavor.

After all, dead things can’t have ‘important’ things to worry about — since they are dead.

However, after dying and being stranded in the [Beyond], I couldn’t help but question what is the point of life. I knew that it was a self-destructive idea to pursue but I did it anyway.

Things die — their [Essence] escape from their bodies and disperses.

Do they have a destination? What will happen to them? Where do [Essences] come from? Are they limitless, spawning from living things? What about robots? Do they have [Essences] too?

Do I produce [Essences] too? I’m dead, after all.

I had no answers.

Despite that, there was still a question that remains — why bother? If you are dead, you would lack the capacity to care about anything, and everything dies. Only living things can care, because they got these fleshy bits that tell them what to do.

In a simplified way, things exist because they do, things that can not exist do not.

Things only exist and continue to exist because they have the ability to do so, to prolong the existence of its identity as itself. In that way, existence defines itself. Life only exists because somehow, out of miracles, it managed to figure out a way to continue existing such as ‘wanting to live’ — and thus, life exists.

Through that line of thought, it could be concluded that the entire point of existing is to continue on existing. There are no other more convoluted or complexing reasons that things are, no grand schemes by some higher power, no trials and tribulations, no ultimate monstrosity to fight against.

Things exist because they are at the peak of what it means to exist. All horrors, monsters, and concepts of pain can be derived from a horrible mishmash of existence.

Once you slipped past the idea of trying to stay alive, you would start seeing how utterly foolish the entire point of existing is.

As a floating soul in the non-material world, I couldn’t help but comment on this giant whirlpool of pointless existence.

And thus, I sincerely hoped that I am wrong.

Until then, since the things I have most is time, I resolutely decide to stay alive as best as possible. Maybe, somehow, I could find an answer to my questions.

Existential crisis alert. Abort!

…

As the ‘well’ had been (unfortunately) turned into a sand pile, I made the decision to explore the underwater world.

The ‘sharks’ and ‘fishes’ had moved away from their habitat since it became rather inhabitable. Doing so, I decided to trail the creatures as a random way of deciding where to go.

Due to my rather constricted upbringing, I had to admit that my sense of direction was abysmal. My limited eyesight served poorly to help me navigate beyond thirty meters and I lack almost all of the fishy instincts a fish would have.

But that’s fine because I don’t need to know everything.

The sharks and the other fishes obviously didn’t take the same routes through the kelp jungles, being predators and preys. If I didn’t have the eyes to see through the kelp forest directly, I might have lost them within minutes.

Speedily, we rapidly left the ‘well’ behind us, the twisty turns and constant repetition of kelp, rocks, and corals quickly ruined whatever mental map I may have beyond the first fifty meters. So, I swiftly abandoned the idea of trying to chart my way and simply decided to follow the exodus.

Not my fault… Definitely.

Gradually, the fishes themselves dissolved into smaller groups, ‘sharks’ going their individual ways grumpily while the smaller shoals stuck to themselves, figuring out their new territory. It was only sometime later that I figured out that the swarm of glass-like creatures I was following was no larger than any others that were around.

Apparently, as it was, the kelp forest was my destination.

I slowed to a stop amongst the plants, the fishes dispersing as I watched them depart.

Obviously, Where did you think they would lead you? Treasure? I berated myself.

Shh.

Now what? Should we go look for more [Essence]?

Nah… Elisa needs to spend hers first. Elisa got a lot to spend.

...Right.

I had no immediate goals other than to explore and find a [Corridor]. Finding more [Essence] was secondary since I was running on a full tank. However, I did have several new things I would like to add to my being.

Other than repairs, I had yet to conduct {Self-Mould} for a while now. Concentrating into myself again, I was once again suddenly flooded with information regarding my current body — all the fins, scales, teeth, eyes, bones structure — all of which screamed at me with perfect clarity. I could see exactly what each part was doing, if each ripple across the membranes, each twitch, and sensation splitting apart my attention.

Despite that, it somehow felt… perfectly natural. As if having perfect awareness of every bit of yourself was as it should be — which it shouldn’t, since it would normally be something that will fry the minds of any normal humans.

Mentally grunting, I shut off some of the more frivolous information that served no purpose, such as the knowing the position of every scale on my body wouldn’t help me with what I was about to do. Therefore, I ‘turned off’ the information feed to free up my attention.

With over six thousand [Essence] from my recent excursion, I decided work on something that would allow me to grapple objects without either stabbing it or bringing it too close to my face.

Even though I knew that my [Soul Stone] was safely located in my chest under multiple layers of flexible ribs and sturdy plates, having unpleasant things near my face was still a distasteful prospect.

What we need are graspers, the trademark trait of human kinds.

Elisa believes crabs got graspers too. And they are dumb as rocks.

I mentally thumbed my chin, pondering. We got [Spears] for simple offenses like stabbing things and serving as straws to suck up [Essence]. However, we still don’t have anything to block attacks with or to just grab things without breaking them immediately and still be able to hold them at a distance…

What would work? And where should Elisa put it?

The artist me disliked the idea of adding bulky arms to the side of the serpentine body unless I make matching legs as well — and lengthen the body to match the traditional Chinese dragons rather than the alligator-ish body the would be the result. Aside from that, I hardly believe that I could manage to create a pair of functioning and working arms without making it proportionally awkward.

Or straight up not working. Hands and feet are the most difficult parts to get right, after all.

However, aside from hands, there are other types of ‘graspers’ in the world. I could make something like a crab claw — pincers for both holding and blocking purposes. I could also add additional platings and a ‘third” digit to help me hold things easier.

However, that hardly answered the question of placement. Two bulky claws would be rather difficult to fit without making the entire body… not sleek.

Rough? Abominable?

Well, Elisa is a giant flying eel monster with tentacles. Elisa should not judge.

I know, I know… But still… it's dissatisfactory.

…

Suddenly, a burst of inspiration took hold of me.

W could try to mimic a praying mantis! Create the limbs in a way that we could tuck it underneath my body — three segments so that I could manipulate it to extend and return! That way, I can't remain both aerodynamic and be functional at the same time.

Truly a stroke of genius.

I know right, me? I thought cheerfully to myself, thrilled with the idea.

I briefly spent a few moments to find a more secluded spot to get working. It would be bad to suddenly have a shark drift through me, after all.

Through {Self-Moulding}, I slowly grew two new noodly appendages from the base of my head, creating new lumps of muscles and bones for the structure.

As much as I was unfamiliar with what crabs and lobsters look like, I was sure that despite being having an exoskeleton, they still have cartilage inside. Despite not knowing what their exact purpose is, I decided to create a mix of both — exoskeleton for the hard points, endoskeleton with lesser platings and scales for the joints.

Proper joints for once. I’ve had enough of tentacles.

What proper joints?! Crabs don’t have bones like that!

Oh, do we? Give Elisa a break. We are working from imagination here.

Quickly, the [Essence] in my [Deposit] drained away into my newly formed limbs. The worm-like tendrils quickly gained mass and heft as layers of white tissue snaked their way over the surface, building strands of muscles over each other. They rippled almost like oil, dripping down the limbs in the wet paint runs down a canvas, solidifying into pearly strands.

Of course, while I did understand that muscles usually have tendons to go along with them, I had no idea what they were supposed to achieve.

Perhaps they are supposed to concentrate the muscle power in a single direction? Besides, Elisa isn’t feeding the ‘muscles’ with energy. How is she even moving?

Elisa exists in the immaterial world. Don’t argue.

How is that arguing?! Nothing makes —

— Sense. Yadda yadda yadda. Elisa knows.

… With that, I formed tendons at the end of each compact strip of ectoplasm, letting them anchor into the rubbery, elastic ‘joints’ to allow a greater range of movements.

After a while the muscles were finished, which took around three thousand [Essence], meaning that each limb would have approximately three hundred [Essence] each despite their compact form.

Agh… The wastage.

A bit of me died inside.

Still, Elisa got work to do.

Focusing again, I started the second stage of my limb-craft. From the spokes of that were grounded from the bone structure underneath, emerging from between the layers of muscles, I gradually formed a net-like structure over it, built of spongy, foamy fuzz that was supposed to help absorb impact.

Like springs!

Or something similar. Well, that is assuming that physics still work here.

It… does? Or doesn’t?

Oh well.

When the foam was finished, I started growing the large platings — shells from the spokes, thickening into white crystalline armor. In between the plates were filled with elastic webbings, strand by strand weaved to allow movement but still provide protection. As an additional defense, I allowed small scales to grow upon it to turn it into something like fish skin.

— Just so that the protruding mantis-crab claws from ‘neck’ wouldn’t look too out of place.

The digits themselves at the tip was rather tricky. Around the three ‘fingers’ I made was a large chitinous glove, styled more like a shield than a functioning forearm. The three fingers required much detailed sculpting to make sure they do not creak too much when they move, that there weren’t any needless friction with each other but could still be able to have a good amount of defense to them.

As the end, I rounded the tip of the thingers off just so I wouldn’t accidentally pierce through things when I grab them — though the extraordinary amount of muscles built in would probably allow me to crush through many things.

Not that Elisa couldn’t already.

With that, the [Arms] were finished. Gradually, I allowed myself to return back to reality, the extra senses from my body fading out from my immediate consciousness. I glanced around me in a manner more fitting to those that waking up from a disorienting sleep.

Around me, the kelp forest was still rather overgrown. The small critters and such darted in and out, their pale greyish form almost invisible to my eyes but still somehow registering.

In conclusion, nothing changed. If there was, it didn’t concern us.

After a small run down such as flexing every body part or stretching to make sure they were still functional, I turned my attention to my newest creation—

First, I folded in the major part — the [Arm] itself — first. I had designed it to be able to fold back under my chest like mantis claws, which they did. I could feel the freshly made muscles moving for the very first time, each working in tandem to work the [arm]. I unfolded it a few more times to test its range of movement, to get a feel for how each plating would scratch against each other. I discovered that I couldn’t reach the top of my head too easily, but it could be done, if barely.

Besides, we still got the [Spears].

With preliminary testing done, I moved on to the good bits. Slowly, I flexed the three digits on each [Arm] — the queer sensation was eerily similar to the sensation of making a claw with your five fingers, the index pairing with the middle, the ring finger stuck to the pinky and the thumb being the third claw. It felt like I suddenly had arms again — even though these ones were covered in chitin, lengthy and heavy.

And belongs to a floating mantis-snake-eel-fish-lobster-ghost of a teenager. How does any part of this feel remotely natural?

Beggars can’t be choosers. If it works, it works.

Slowly, I allowed the ‘fingers’ to touch and open again. Each digit had a single joint in the middle for additional range of movement but still prevent the design from getting too clumped. However, I also made a ‘locking’ design in the joint to give them the ability to ‘lock’ in place so that massive impacts, such as me snapping the claws, wouldn’t break the digits immediately. In reality, these ‘fingers’ could probably be referenced as ‘tweezers’ instead.

I practiced that exercise a few times to familiarize it in my mind before moving on the motion of snapping. Each digit was linked to a central muscle mass in the middle of the [Arm], having a dedicated strand to control and power the movements.

To shut the claws, I imagined the motions of clenching a fist, applying the phantom sensation to my [Arms]. With that, the claws immediately slammed shut, the dulled points slamming against each other like a three-pronged jaw of death.

I could feel the shockwaves traveling up the [Arm] itself from the point of impact, undulating through the [Essence] flesh as a sharp ‘sound’ exploded outwards, which coincidentally appeared to be ignored by all nearby critters. With such power, the blunted ends of the claws would probably fail to stop me from punching through just about anything I’ve come across so far.

Since each claw contained a massive strand of muscle, the power output was proportionately larger than the [Spears]. I noted down that despite having less [Essence] by technicality, my own claws would most definitely snap myself in half if I do aim it at myself. In the same line, I remembered that concentration of mass and good design is important to achieve the maximum amount from the least. The stupid amount of raw power available was both welcoming and frightening.

Which, incidentally, the [Spears] needs to be relocated.

With the newly acquired [Arms], the [Spears] appeared to unexpectedly serve to block my own path. In fact, when I tested out the [Arms], I could feel the shockwave in my tentacles nearby too, reminding me of the fact that there were body parts that were a bit too close for comfort.

Yeah… the underside of the jaw wasn’t that great of an idea anymore. Elisa would sooner accidentally snip her own tentacles off…

Then that raised the question, ladies, of where should Elisa put them?

The [Spears] could be counted a purely offensive tool now since the heavily plated [Arms] could both block and manipulate things better than them. However, the [Spears] could also serve as straws, like an oversized mosquito or straight up impaling slippery targets.

I briefly humored the thought of letting it sit on the side of my ‘snout’ like a strange looking mustache before dismissing it.

Right — [Feelers]. Forgot about them.

Dang. Haven’t heard that name in a long time.

Straws.

Need to move the [Feelers] too. They are a bit too short to be all the way in the back…

Agreed.

Hold on! I yelled before my mind fizzles off again, Straws!

…

Straws?

Why straws?

I was sure that I was approaching some kind of revelation there — I ground my mess of a mind for a while before remembering what I was on the verge of forgetting.

Straws — mosquitos! I could use it as a tongue! Since I eat everything I kill anyway, might as well get the ability to drag them in as well! This way, I can get them out of the way so that they wouldn't get caught in anything and look less threatening.

It's genius!

…

...Elisa? Wouldn’t that be essentially licking the food to death?

Stabbing, I corrected myself, is a noble and ancient form of hunting. Do not insult the art of the hunt, youngling.

...

Before getting too far ahead of myself, I checked up on my [Deposit]. True enough, after spending almost all the [Essences] I could absorb from the clams, the amount left for use was somewhere approximately in the two digits, is far too little for me to actually do anything interesting with.

Not that Elisa really needs to.

Yet. For all we know, one day we could end up in a place full of things that can eat us for a snack. Teeth the size of mountains and a blender for a mouth.

Ewch. That’s an uncomfortable thought.

We need something to prevent getting chewed up and being eldritch food.

Elisa believes that arms are not going to help all that much.

… One step at a time, eh? Still, we need to decide on what to do.

Resting, while a prospect that a fleshy being would agree with, was not something that I need to care about. I couldn’t sleep, wouldn’t need to eat or take a breather. If I don’t do anything, it would be merely wasting time.

Wasting what time? We are dead, remember? It is not like we can spend it on doing much. Nothing that matters, anyway.

Elisa needs company, I decided, despite knowing very well that I have had that thought already, Elisa should go find someone to talk to.

… Or go get a body.

… Body?

That would solve the problems, right? They got all the glands and everything.

That was a thought that I had been harboring for a while.

As a ghost, it should be possible to possess things, right? Or should I try for reincarnation? Should I look for the afterlife? Should I take over a body? Should I just allow myself to disperse into tiny motes and let my mind splutter into nothing?

Dangerous grounds there, me. Suicidal thoughts are not good.

Elisa believes that Elisa should go find and focus on now rather than dying again. It would be a shame to not try to find out about everything when Elisa can.

True.

I realized that I had inevitably swirled back into thinking about dying again, like a vortex inexorably drawing in my mind until I splinter, cracking. Self-destructive thoughts are difficult to avoid when all the stimulations that one had were death and those will one day die as well.

Inescapable.

I shook myself free of those thoughts to focus myself.

Whew. Now is now.

Unaware, I was suddenly dangerously close to dying from just thinking.

There was a coldness within me that had crept in without me noticing. My mind looked for a breath to calm down, my chest itching for a heart to pump blood through my body, my limbs searching for muscles to stop their tremble.

But there was nothing — just nothing.

Time seemed to have gone still as my ego looked for the panic that should have been there. I was frozen, for a while.

My thoughts turned silent.

But there was still nothing.

There was no anger, fear or disgust, nor were there joy or sadness.

Everything that made me a person was absent.

I was horribly aware, for the first time, that the only reason I felt guilt, anger, and fear was because I believed I should. There was nothing but my experience as a human to stop me from devouring everything on sight.

I had, without realizing, begun descending into a mere beast, or even less.

I had mistaken.

There was indeed a price for existing. Just as the body needs sustenance and rest to survive, the mind must also seek sustenance and rest to survive.

The greatest threat to survival in such as world was not beasts with teeth the size of mountains or mouths like blenders, not beings that are bent on purifying the dead.

The greatest threat, though obvious in hindsight was unexpectedly myself.

— My own will.

It would be so tantalizing easy to simply abandon my sane human mind, to let myself degenerate into a monster to stop thinking. It would be so foolishly effortless to cease trying to justify my own existence, allowing myself to simply… stop.

I had somehow deceived myself to forget in my desperate grasp for an easy escape from reality, to focus on those not important. I had somehow let myself believe that the world I now inhabit follows the same rules as the physical.

With startling intensity, just as sharp and tangible as they I made the thought, I remembered what [Essence] is.

For some reason, now so shamefully absurd, I had tried to think about [Essence] in the way of numbers. I had feasted on the minds of simple beasts and creatures, building myself a body of those that centered their short lives upon simple survival, no thoughts, and ambition beyond finding their next meal and procreating.

I allowed my body to grow strong but failed to nourish my own mind.

[Essences] are thoughts, remnants of a being, dredges of their existence. They are what defines a being, their hopes, fears and hates, their reason to be.

Me, a thing that only exists with thoughts alone, found itself with bits slowly rotting off by time as the lack of a body eventually causes it to forget what it means to live. I am my own thoughts, and as time passed without nourishment, without feeling anything that keeps the existence going, found itself slowly slipping away. Without the capacity to feel or desire, I had been steadily burning up my desire, my own [Essence].

I had been dying the entire time without knowing so.

Ghosts would stay behind due to regrets, love, hates, haunting the world with their unfinished business. Those with nothing to stay behind for would seldom linger. As time passes, those with a weak will, those with no more to desire, would inevitably move on.

Disperse into nothingness.

If I was the spirit of a cat, perhaps an existence of devouring small creatures would sustain me.

But I am a person.

Thoughts, [Essences] of such critters could never hope to satisfy my own [Essence]. Just as a brain of a human would require more nutrients to function, the mind of a being like that would require much more than these thoughts quantifiable in numbers to survive.

I am starving.

… Elisa?

In hindsight, it would have been blindingly obvious.

I was foolish.

… We’ve made a promise to ourselves, Elisa.

Oaths mean nothing. Promises to defend a tyrant would only serve to prevent the rightful rebel from applying justice.

Obvious, that I require much more than the [Essence] of animals to survive.

…

I am starving.

…

And so I made my way out of the kelp forest, prey in mind.