Conan the Catarian and Catrir the Pillager both stood before me, the former with his morning star and the latter with his Viking sword.

“We’ve come a long way, haven’t we?” I asked them.

They both looked down at me and nodded.

Once upon a time, we were enemies. They were at my throat and I was at their fluff. Even after fluffing them into submission and beating them through other means multiple times, I was still at their fluff.

But now?

Now we were friends.

Allies.

Companions.

And I could tell that they were both staring at my hands, waiting for me to fluff them. After all, similar to how I trained my girlfriends, I trained these two giant, muscular cats to love the sensation of my hands fluffing their fur. The main difference was that, unlike my girlfriends, they didn’t enjoy it on a sexual level. They simply enjoyed it in a platonic way. A very heavily platonic way.

“Sorry, but my hands are on a break from touching anybody other than those who they do nothing for,” I told them, causing each of the oversized cat warriors to lower their ears and tails. “But, if you do good, I’ll reward you with some fluffing.” That perked both of them right back up. “Now, I have a mission for you. We’re on the third battle of the second stage in the spooky forest place. That means it’s time to go up against the boss there, and all of my girlfriends are out of commission right now. Don’t ask why. And yes, even Clawdia. But don’t worry, they’re safe and happy.”

The two cats looked at each other, slightly concerned, but then looked at me again and nodded.

“Now, I figure that there’s nobody to send in a battle against a boss than two former bosses even if they’ve been nerfed to no longer be as strong as they used to be. Well, I only really need one of you to fight in the battle with me. The other one is going to get sent on the exploration mission with Luca. So, which one of you is going to fight in the battle with me, and which one of you is going to be her bodyguard during an exploration?”

The two cats looked at each other and began meowling to one another. I had no idea what they were saying, but they were clearly having a conversation with their incredibly deep meows.

Conan then raised his hand.

“Volunteering for the battle?” I asked.

Conan nodded.

“Alright. Then Catrir, you’ll go with Luca?”

Catrir nodded.

“Then that’s settled. Luca will manage the battle itself and also go on the exploration. She’s done it before, so it shouldn’t be an issue. All we need is her to actually start things for us.”

Luca appeared right in front of me in her informational status window form before transforming to her humanoid form. “I’m here, Papa! Ready for the battle?”

“We are. And—”

“Don’t worry, I already know who’s all doing what. You don’t need to repeat it since all that will do is inflate the word count of this chapter with information that the readers just read a few paragraphs ago. But… I guess I’m also inflating the word count right now. Okay! I’ll be a good informational status daughter and get things going instead of letting you get distracted!” Luca raised her right hand into the air and snapped her fingers, teleporting all of us to the haunted amusement park once again. “Oh, I just remembered something.”

“What?”

“We never went over the battle results from the second battle here since it finished while you were gone.”

“You can show it to me after this one. Just show the last result and this one at the same time.”

“Okay, Papa! Ready to start?”

I looked at Catrir. “I’ll shave you naked if even a single hair on her head is hurt.”

Catrir gulped and, despite being covered in fur, was somehow visibly sweating from the threat. Even so, he nodded.

“Luca, let Catrir do all the work while you have fun.”

Luca nodded with a bright smile. “Okay, Papa! I’m gonna start the battle now!” She returned to her informational status window form… and then cloned herself to make another human version. A second later and the human clone disappeared with Catrir to go on the exploration mission, leaving Luca’s informational status window form behind to manage battle-related things while me and Conan were teleported over onto the lane in front of the greenhouse.

The first wave began moments later.

With two bee towers, our bees were the first to engage in combat against the enemy forces. They quickly got to weakening the health of the incoming ground forces, mostly composed of skeleton cats and jellies, so that our archers and dogs could wipe them out once they were close enough without too much issue.

And as I found out throughout the battle, having the extra bee tower made a massive difference for us when it came to the enemy air units. One bee tower wasn’t enough to defend against all the hostile air units on its own, but two were enough to deal with them and have enough time between more arriving to go and help the ground effort.

But even when it came to the ground effort, we were good without the bees. Conan… was actually a lot better than I expected him to be. Honestly, he kind of put the others to shame.

That’s for balance reasons!

Naturally, any normal guy would want to pick his waifus to use in battles. So because the big cat guys don’t have the same amount of waifu appeal as the waifus, they’re balanced by being even stronger than them.

I wasn’t sure about the ethics of that. It was basically saying that male characters in games got to be naturally stronger by default due to female characters being more popular.

But it was benefitting me, so I wasn’t going to complain as Conan swung his morning star around to decimate all of the enemies trying to make their way to the greenhouse.

Then, about three fourths of the way through the waves, things took a turn for the worse as a new enemy type appeared.

New Enemy Discovered!

Flaming Ghost Rider

Threat: ★★★★★★★★

HP: Even tankier than before!

Damage: 30

Defense: 35

Flaming Ghost Riders are like normal Ghost Riders, except they’re on fire! Wowowowow! And for anybody who doesn’t remember since it’s a new volume, Ghost Riders are skeletons riding in roller coaster cars! Oh! And the fronts of their cars are covered in flaming spikes now. Oh! And I think this is the first time I’ve gotten to do an enemy description! Yay!

The flaming ghost rider wasn’t just powerful and intimidating, but fast, too. It barreled straight into our front line, shrugging off most damage done to it on the way, and took out two dogs with a single attack. That really helped to clear the way for the rest of the incoming attackers, especially seeing as how the archer tower was focused on trying to bring down the flaming ghost rider rather than the easier targets approaching.

Our troubles didn’t end there, either, as another new enemy appeared.

New Enemy Discovered!

Ace Bat

Threat: ★★★★★

HP: Even tankier than before!

Damage: 23

Defense: 14

Ace Bats are the most experienced and best of the flying bats! They’re faster, stronger, and more maneuverable than everybody else! A whole squadron of Escort Bats couldn’t compare to a single Ace Bat! So, be careful!

The description wasn’t an exaggeration, either, since the ace bat was more than capable of handling an entire flight of bees on its own. The jet engines that it had strapped to its wings gave it an incredible speed that our bees just weren’t capable of keeping up with, allowing the ace bat to zoom in, deal damage, and get away before the bees could even fight back. It took both flights of bees just to take down a single ace bat, and they barely had any bees left by the time their battle was over.

Both of the new enemies were basically like mini bosses. Fortunately, we had a former boss of our own on the ground to deal with the flaming ghost rider. As powerful as our enemy might have been, it wasn’t able to resist the overwhelming power of Conan slamming his morning star directly into the front of the car. That was the finishing blow on top of all the damage it already took, and Conan was able to help clean up the rest of the enemies on the ground while I focused on defending the other lane.

Unfortunately, we were too slow in dealing with it.

Enough enemies made it by without me even noticing that a single skeleton cat reached the greenhouse. Our rear towers were able to take out all the others, preventing us from losing more than a single heart, but that one skeleton cat took a heart from the greenhouse which left us with only two.

And then the boss wave began.

Mr. Bones, the giant skeleton wearing a top hat that I originally only believed was part of the roller coaster’s decorations, rose from the ground, pulling his buried legs out from underneath it to properly stand on them. He even had a gentleman’s cane to assist him now that he was standing.

As for his full name and title, it was Mr. Bones, Park Manager.

“Alright, Conan,” I said. “Let’s show him what it means to really be a boss.”

Conan looked at me, nodded, and ran straight for the boss with his morning star in hand.

That was when Mr. Bones tipped his hat, causing a wave of energy to burst forward, knocking him and all other allies in the lane over temporarily. Even the bats within range of the blast were knocked out of the air, only able to recover just before crashing into the ground below.

Then, once Mr. Bones reached Conan who was still knocked prone… he did a jig. Mr. Bones did a little dance directly in front of Conan to the tune of a song that sounded like it was from the 40s, his cane smacking Conan with every step that he took.

That was how Conan got his fluff handed to him by a dancing skeleton in a top hat.

At the same time, another flaming ghost rider appeared alongside a second ace bat.

I quickly realized we were in a significant amount of trouble.

I had no idea what to do. Me and Conan weren’t enough on our own to defend against the boss, the greenhouse was down to two hearts and probably about to lose more, and nothing we did seemed to have any effect against the boss. The bees, archers, and cow tower all seemingly only barely scratched the boss, and his long legs allowed him to step right over the slime tower’s slime, so he didn’t even get slowed down by it.

Our options were rapidly running out.

What was I supposed to do against a giant skeleton wearing a top hat who could knock us around like we were nothing? All he had to do was tip his hat or do a little jig and it immediately wiped out anybody and everything nearby.

I never expected a skeleton to be so powerful.

That meant…

I needed to cheat.

There wasn’t a single boss I defeated without cheating so far, and that, apparently, wasn’t about to change.

And there was only one way to defeat a manager of any sort that I could think of without relying on physical violence.

What I needed was access to the internet. Without a laptop or phone on me, I couldn’t just pull something out and get onto it. I couldn’t ask Luca to spawn me one of those, either, and I couldn’t leave the battlefield.

But the towers were a part of the battlefield.

And nobody said that I couldn’t go inside one of the towers during a battle.

I set my eyes on Honey’s tower and ran through the hectic battlefield as quickly as I could, clearing a way with my PickAxe while everybody did their best to stand their ground against the impossible odds beset upon us.

Upon reaching the door to Honey’s tower, I swung it open and rushed inside to where her computer was, sat down in front of it, and went to turn it on only to realize that it was already on.

Of course it was. She probably never turned it off.

Back to my plan, there was only one thing that I could do to really hurt the boss.

And that was go to the hottest reviews website and find the amusement park.

Businesses lived and died by their online reviews. A low average rating could destroy a business’s profits while a high average could elevate them.

And the amusement park, still under the name of Mr. Bone’s Wild Ride, was… somehow, in a way that I wasn’t going to question, available on the website alongside all the other reviews for places from my original world. It even had pictures showing the roller coaster and its skeletal riders.

Moving on, I went down to the review section and started typing.

Mr. Bone’s Wild Ride is the worst amusement park I have ever been to, and I have been to them all. Not a single one has ever compelled me to leave a review due to the sheer fun I had at them overwhelming my desire to do anything else. But not Mr. Bone’s Wild Ride. Mr. Bone’s Wild Ride only features a single ride, the roller coaster which shares a name with the park itself, and it will literally bore you to death with a ride time that lasts seemingly forever. Perhaps if you’re so old that you’re in the grave, you might appreciate the slow ride and find it relaxing, but anybody seeking excitement will find that the well has run dry before it ever even existed. I would sooner eat sugar free gummy bears for an exciting time than I would ever visit this park. Not only that, but there are no safety standards, it is understaffed and dirty, and you can even find animal remains scattered around the park that are not props. Rather than ever visit this place, you should call every health and safety official there is, report this business, and do everything that you can to get it shut down and declared unsafe and a danger to society. Also, the staff hurts cute dogs, does their best to destroy honeybees, and commits war crimes against giant cats. Also, it’s overpriced, there’s no restroom, no snacks or drinks, and no parking.

I hit enter as soon as I was done.

The sounds of battle went silent a second later.

I went outside to see what was happening and saw the boss looking down at his cellphone, which I had no idea where it came from, and—well, he looked like he just died despite already being a giant skeleton. His bones went even more pale in color than they already were and he ran away from the battlefield while typing something on his phone.

The moment he stepped off the lane, we won.

All of the other enemy forces retreated without the leadership of Mr. Bones to guide them.

Before celebrating our victory, I was suspicious of what he was typing, so I went back inside Honey’s tower to check the review page for the park. Surely enough, after a couple minutes of waiting, a response from the business owner popped up underneath my review.

Lies and slander! Defamation! I will be reporting this review to the Board of Ethical and Fair User Reviews! How dare you leave such an abundant assortment of LIES for my business?! Mr. Bones Wild Ride has been a respected, family-run business for millennia! Yet, here you are, spinning a web of treacherous deceit in an attempt to sully our reputation! I will have you know that should I find whoever is responsible for this review, which I shall ascertain, then I will be suing you for slander, defamation of character, spreading false propaganda, discrimination against skeletons, and more! You will be hearing from my lawyers unless you delete this review immediately! I would call you a good sir, but you have done nothing to deserve such respect from me!

That review really bothered the boss. But at the same time, there wasn’t really anything false in it.

I also noticed that I had the option to reply to his comment with a comment of my own. So, that was what I did to let him know exactly how I felt.

lol. i won.

With that, I closed the review site and went back outside to where Conan was waiting. He looked pretty beat up, but he was alive and we were victorious.

“Good job,” I said. “Want me to rub your belly for a reward?”

Conan looked to the left, then to the right, and then nodded while the fur on his cheeks turned a light shade of red.