I ended up in a strange position with the zombie queen after she bit my arm. Well, it was only strange because of the fact that her head was detachable. Nothing else about it was that strange.

But regardless, in order to get her to calm down and to stop trying to eat my arm, I sat down on a chair next to where the judges were and placed her head on my lap. That was Vala’s suggestion. Apparently, she was experienced with zombie girls. She told me that the internet had plenty of sources—or, as she called them, “sauces,”—to study.

So, there I was. Sitting on a chair with a zombie girl’s head on my lap. All I had to do after that was pet her to keep her calm. Though, it didn’t take long for her to get me back in her mouth. I wasn’t thinking and placed a hand on my leg in front of her face. As soon as she noticed my hand there, she leaned forward to get one of my fingers in her mouth… but all she did was suck on it. Petting her must have calmed her enough to keep her from biting, instead only making her suck.

So, again, there I was. Sitting on a chair with a zombie girl’s head on my lap, petting her, while she idly sucked on my finger as if she just always had to have something in her mouth to play with.

She was warm, too. While one might normally think of a zombie being cold and gross and rotting, she lacked all of those features. She felt warm, her skin was smooth and—well, normal, and she looked perfectly… preserved? At the very least, there was nothing even slightly rotting about her. She even smelled nice. Like flowers. Not like a corpse flower, either.

Between her being warm, attractive, her head being on my lap, and her loving to have things in her mouth… I understood why Vala kept on looking at me with a smug smile and a wink. Both of our minds were in the exact same place.

I even stuck my finger a bit deeper into the zombie queen’s mouth, giving her more to work with as her tongue lapped all around it.

All of the mumbling noises and groaning she made while doing it were cute, too, in their own way.

That aside, her butler went up on the stage and I had no idea what to expect from her. All I knew about the bat butler was that she had some nice fluff.

“Thank you for accepting our intrusion,” she said before giving us a polite bow. “If you are ready, I would like to begin my attempt at fanservice.”

Everything about her was so… polite and calm. Professional. It was strange. Even though I knew basically nothing about her, she gave me a feeling that that she was the most mature and professional person out of all of us. While Lake could seem mature and professional at times, especially while judging other’s fanservice attempts as I had recently learned, she was also a dork who loved alcohol and cats too much.

I—

Speaking of Lake, I just noticed something.

We made a mistake.

Luca said that you got your first special ability when you learned to throw me, but your real first ability was what Lake taught you: Nekonet.

Should we go back and fix that?

Or wait, we can justify it by saying that Luca didn’t know despite actually knowing basically everything just like me. It’s stupid and makes a plot hole and doesn’t actually justify it at all, but it’s better than going back and editing what Luca said so it actually makes sense.

I mean, who likes editing anyways? Nobody cares about that!

Window vanished as soon as she appeared, leaving me confused like usual.

But like usual, I knew better than to think too hard about it and stopped caring a second later.

“Go ahead,” Lake said to the bat butler.

The bat butler nodded and cleared her throat before snapping her fingers to set the scene.

And the scene was… a beach. Well, part of one. All the stage actually had was a sand covering with a blanket and umbrella on it. Though, there were sound effects coming from an unknown source to let us hear rolling waves and squawking seagulls to really get the point across.

As for the bat butler…

She proved how much of a professional she was by giving herself basically nothing to wear. All she had on was a pair of string bikini bottoms and… that was it. However, she did have her arms crossed over her chest to keep herself from exposing us.

After all, in true PG-13 fashion, male nipples were alright to look at but female nipples weren’t.

On her knees on the blanket, she looked at the judges and said, “A-ah… my lord… it… it seems that my top was washed away by a wave.” Her cheeks grew red as she acted like it was hard to look at the judges. “I did my best to make sure nobody saw anything, but I still made a mistake by losing it. Please forgive me.” While she might have had her arms over her chest, we could still see just how thick she was underneath her uniform. Honestly, she was on Delphi’s level if not actually surpassing it. Wide hips, thick thighs that pressed together, breasts that overflowed over her arms as she struggled to hide herself—her normal uniform wasn’t very fanservice-y unless one was into butlers, but her body was undeniable when it came to the fanservice effect it had. “A-ah… thank you, my lord,” she continued. “I do not deserve such—h-huh? You… my—my lord… this is not an appropriate time for such words. But, if it’s you,” she lowered one arm, leaving only one to barely hide her breasts, “then… I would let you stare as much as you want.”

The buzzer rang to let her know her time was up, prompting her to stand up and transform her outfit back into her butler uniform.

“Thank you for the opportunity,” she said and bowed.

“Woah,” Vala said, “she’s good. Between the succ zombie and the fanservice butler, we really need to do more battles to officially add them to our harem.”

“Yeah,” I replied. “I think you’re—”

With my finger still in her mouth, the zombie queen mumbled, “Shomfings… phoking the bottom of… my neck…”

Considering that the bat butler’s performance had an effect on me, and that I had the zombie queen’s head on my lap…

I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to feel about her feeling it against the bottom of her neck.

On one hand, that was kind of nice.

On the other hand, it was deeply disturbing.

I moved her head forward on my lap so that she wouldn’t be able to feel anything against her neck.

Meanwhile, Vala poked my arm and said, “You should’ve pushed her head down instead of slide it forward. Heh.”

“Sometimes I forget how much of a perverted grandpa you can be,” I said.

“Maybe I should give myself one for the day to have fun with it.”

“Give yourself one what?”

Vala looked me straight in the eyes and wiggled her eyebrows. “You know.”

I had no idea how to react to that, but I didn’t need to since the judges began their appraisals.

The dog went first and gave the bat butler a nine. Then there was Tabitha with an eight. Two high scores which meant that she could potentially end up in the lead. It was down to Lake now, and there was no telling how Lake would score her.

“Alright,” Lake said. “A reserved, professional butler who is taken to the beach by her master and loses her top. Then despite the embarrassing situation, is still willing to reveal herself to him out of her love and dedication to him. There is also something… powerful, about hiding that sort of figure under your clothes. I could already tell that you had a nice body, but your uniform leaves almost everything to the imagination. The stark contrast between only wearing half a bikini and your normal uniform… if I was your master, it would make me want to order you to wear a skimpy maid costume instead, and I would never be able to keep my hands off of you while you’re trying to work.” Lake nodded to her own words. “A reserved, professional assistant who goes above and beyond for the sake of her master.”

“Why’s everybody going for my thing, nya?!” Clawdia shouted.

As for the zombie queen, she simply went, “Ah…”

“Ten,” Lake answered. “There is not a single thing I have to complain about, it was a unique situation where you went above and beyond, and it was also set up to take advantage of an unplanned accident. Such a thing could happen during day-to-day life, and it makes me think of what other fanservice might arise from such daily accidents. Good job.”

“Thank you,” the bat butler said. “I will continue to work my hardest.” She offered us another bow before walking off the stage with a combined score of twenty-seven, officially putting her in the lead.

That meant the bat butler was in first with twenty-seven.

Window was in second with twenty-five.

The zombie queen was in third with twenty-two.

Delphi and Honey were tied for fourth at twenty-one.

Lavi was in fifth at twenty.

Cami was sixth with sixteen.

And Vala was in last with seven.

I was the only one left.

I would need a near perfect score if I wanted to win, but I knew exactly what to do.

First, though, I had to get the zombie queen off me, so I pulled my finger out of her mouth and handed her over to Vala instead.

Vala was happy to take the zombie queen’s head and set it on her lap.

Just as I stood up to leave, though, I heard the zombie queen say, “Something’s… poking my neck… again.”

I looked at them with a raised eyebrow, prompting Vala to reveal that she moved her tail between her thighs to poke the queen’s neck with as a prank.

Vala then put a couple of fingers into the zombie queen’s mouth and said, “Don’t worry about it. Here, have some fingers to suck.”

The zombie queen was happy to take her up on that.

“Ah… this is nice.”

I felt like it was potentially dangerous to leave the two of them together like that, but it was alright since Luca wasn’t around still.

More importantly, I took my position on the stage and saw everybody looking up at me. Being put on the spot with a bunch of attractive women probably would have been embarrassing before, but not now.

And now, it was time for fanservice.

“Instead of one long segment, I’m going to give each of you twenty seconds of fanservice dedicated to you. That’s all I need,” I told the judges. “True fanservice is tailored to the individual, not the general audience.”

Lake leaned back and crossed her arms over her chest. “If you think twenty seconds is all you need, I’m interested to see you try.”

“Then I’ll start with you.”

I snapped my fingers.

Sitting down in a large, leather chair by a fireplace with a cat on my lap and a glass of whiskey next to me, I looked directly at Lake and said, “Welcome home. You know, you still look as… sharp as the day I first met you.”

Lake’s cheeks developed a hint of red.

While I could have called her beautiful or something more generic like that, she was still a sword despite her humanoid form. A young, beautiful sword was a sharp sword. “Me, you, and Mr. Fluffles. I’ll get you a drink and dinner while you pet him, and then we can watch your favorite movie. You deserve it.”

Lake’s heavy breathing proved how good of a job I did as she stared at the cat on top of my lap.

I made sure that the cat ran off my lap to go jump up onto Lake’s before snapping my fingers again to change the scene.

Next, I stood in front of a car with an open door and looked at the dog judge. “Come on! It’s been a while since we’ve gone on a car ride, so let’s go for one. We can hit up the dog park, the beach, and then get you a doggy ice cream cone on the way home. How’s that sound? Yeah, you like that? Good girl.” I had no idea what gender the dog actually was but, everybody else was a girl, so I assumed the dog was, too. “Who’s a good girl? You are!”

Delphi’s, Lavi’s and Cami’s tails all wagged while watching.

Clawdia’s, too.

And Vala’s.

Basically every girl with a tail was wagging it when I said, “good girl.”

“I’ll give you all the belly rubs and treats you could ask for, too,” I said, finishing my fanservice to the dog.

The dog judge’s tail looked ready to break off and fly away from just how insanely fast it was wagging as she drooled all over the judging table.

Only Tabitha was left. I didn’t know much about her, but I knew that she was a boss who worked with hard, physical labor.

So, when I snapped my fingers, I created the scene of a construction site and gave myself a hard hat. There was one thing that I knew physical laborers loved. “Comrade, don’t you think we should form a union? We shed our blood, sweat, and tears for these pigs, and they treat us like we are disposable slaves even though they depend on us. But together, we can make a better future for us and our brothers and sisters. And no matter what happens, I promise to stay by your side.”

Tabitha stared straight at me in silence as a single tear rolled down her puffy cheek.

My time was up. The judges were speechless.

I won.

The dog was first, giving me a ten.

Then there was Tabitha who wiped away her tear before giving me a nine.

All I needed was a nine or ten from Lake to win.

“Ten,” Lake immediately said as she stroked Mr. Fluffle’s fur on her lap. “If I got home from a day of work… there is nothing I would want to be greeted with more than my cat, a compliment, and alcohol.”

“Wait!” Window shouted, now in her human form. “That’s cheating! He totally bribed you with that cat!”

“Tsk, tsk, Window,” I said, my arms crossed over my chest. “Don’t you know that bribing is just another form of fanservice? Fanservice means doing something tailored for the other person to get a positive reaction out of them. To get their interest. Their favor. Fanservice is, ultimately, manipulative at its core. Is bribing somebody not also that? It’s all manipulation to gain favor and come out on top.”

“What’s with this villain monologue?!”

“He’s right,” Lake said. “Yes, this cat is blatant manipulation and bribery… but there were no rules against that, and that is what fanservice is about at its core.”

Window took a step back as she realized one of life’s undeniable truths.

Fanservice was nothing more than manipulation.

“Bu-but what about the bat’s?!” Window shouted. “She was pure! There wasn’t anything manipulative there!”

The bat butler shook her head and said, “No, I was being manipulative. The intent was to get my lord looking at me. If I truly cared about covering myself, I would have used the blanket and wrapped it around me, but I wanted to be looked at and lusted for.”

Window took another step back. “But… but you sounded so innocent…”

“That’s the point,” I said. “If you make the manipulation blatant, it takes away from it. You have to disguise the manipulation as being innocent and pure so that the other person can feel like you’re genuinely doing it for them instead of to manipulate them. But in the end, all fanservice is an attempt to manipulate one’s emotions.”

“No! Then what about all the fanservice from my waifus in gacha games?!”

“Window,” Vala said, “you… you do know that’s all designed to make you want to spend more money on them, right? I thought you would understand all of this…”

Window dropped to her knees. “All… all the money I’ve spent on my waifus… has gone to a greedy corporation’s bank account instead of to them…”

“Heh, simp.”

In the end, Window looked far more defeated than I expected her to look. I actually felt a bit bad for her. She looked even more depressed than Vala after only getting a score of seven.

“So, I win. Right?” I asked.

Lake nodded and said. “You have the highest combined score. Twenty-nine. That means you have officially won the—”

“Wai-wait! Don’t leave yet!” shouted a new voice, running to us from the distance.

When we looked to see who the voice belonged to, though I was sure we all immediately recognized it, we saw Luca running to us with a collection of items in her arms.

Then we saw her trip and faceplant into the ground. “Oof,” she said before standing and picking the items back up, returning her trip to us. Upon reaching the judges, she stood in front of their table and looked up at them with a wide smile. “I wanted to get you presents for working so hard! Here, for the doggy!” Luca placed a stack on the table in front of the dog that looked like the absolute most perfect size to fit in her mouth. Standing in front of Lake, she looked nervous and said, “Um… I don’t really know you that well, but I thought you’d look really pretty with a flower in your hair, so here!” Luca placed a bright, red flower on the table in front of Lake. Then, when it came to Tabitha, Luca smiled and… placed a toolbox on the table. A toolbox that looked rusty and worn at that. Something about it looked familiar, too, and I understood where it was from once Luca explained. “I asked Auntie Val what a beaver would like, and she let me know about this box inside her! I know the outside looks really old… but the stuff inside is still good!”

Tabitha opened up the box and, surely enough, the inside was full of vintage tools from a war long past.

“Ehehe… I hope you like them! But it’s okay if you don’t! I’ll find even better presents next time!” Luca said.

I sighed and realized how wrong I was.

I also realized what was about to happen.

The dog gave her a ten.

Tabitha gave her a ten.

And Lake… gave her a ten.

Luca, without even meaning to compete, achieved a perfect score.

“The purity of a daughter wanting nothing more than to bring a smile to others… can’t be competed against,” Lake said. “All you have to do is look at her and you can tell that she wants nothing but to make others happy. She has no ulterior motives, she isn’t trying to manipulate anybody, and she’s going above and beyond to make us all happy in ways specifically tailored to us rather than appealing to a general audience. She wins.”

Luca shook her head and said, “It’s okay! You don’t have to—”

I picked Luca up and sat her on my shoulders before getting back on the stage.

“Luca wins,” I declared.

Everybody was in agreement and clapped for her, causing her to raise her hands up to cover her cheeks as she looked around and smiled. I could tell that she was feeling shy being the center of attention, and that made her even cuter and more of a winner as far as I was concerned.

Coming in second place and only losing to my daughter was more than good enough for me.

Ultimately, the end result was the same regardless of which one of us came in first place.

My bloodline asserted dominance over what it meant to be a master of fanservice.