first

The battle was still underway, and Window decided that she had to pop in for something random that made no sense.

You wouldn’t understand. The life of calling first ain’t the easy life. What if somebody else is refreshing the page, waiting for a new chapter, and they call first before you? You know, I bet right now there’s somebody reading this and immediately wanting to go into the comments to go and type first before anybody else gets to.

Now that I think about it, this reference won’t really make sense in published form since it only really applies to web serial comment sections.

Well, they can always be first to leave a review!

HOPEFULLY THEY’VE LEFT REVIEWS ON THE PREVIOUS VOLUMES, TOO, BECAUSE I’M SURE ANYBODY STILL READING AT THIS POINT IS A WONDERFUL, GREAT, AMAZING, INCREDIBLE PERSON WHO HAS ABSOLUTELY LEFT A REVIEW ON ALL PREVIOUS VOLUMES, WILL LEAVE A REVIEW ON THIS VOLUME, AND WILL CONTINUE LEAVING REVIEWS ON ALL FUTURE VOLUMES

RIGHT?

“Window, are you threatening people who don’t even exist into doing things that make no sense?” I asked her.

Listen, they should just be grateful that I’m not demanding that they go and buy all other books published under the same pen name to go leave reviews on them, too. I’m not asking for much here. All I’m asking for is their undying loyalty to the series and new reviews on every volume of it for the rest of their lives. It’s like, the bare minimum that I could ask from them.

Window was going on about Window things, so I ended up ignoring her to focus on the battle before she could distract me too much. Thankfully, the battle was already in its final stages. Me, Lavi, and… the demon in her arm, Lazara, dealt with the remaining enemies and managed to clear the first fight of the new area without losing any hearts on the greenhouse. Though, just going off of how the map was laid out, I had a feeling that the next battles were probably going to try and swarm us with enemies. I also figured that would probably happen because of the slime tower we got. Generally, games didn’t give access to new effects such as being able to slow enemies down unless those effects were about to become important.

That aside, I was relieved that the ghost rider was the only new enemy for the battle. That was a pretty powerful enemy that lived up to its health description of “tanky af.” But since there was only one new enemy, that made me worried for the next battle since there were usually two new enemies a battle. If we were about to start getting fewer new enemies, but stronger new enemies, I wasn’t sure which I would rather have. Probably more, but weaker, enemies.

Not to mention that variety was just nice to see in general. Then again, I couldn’t complain about a lack of variety at all. Our “game” already had pretty serious unit variety when it came to our enemies. It could have used some more friendly tower variety, but that was probably lacking due to me not actually paying any attention to the game mechanics outside of battles. I was always either gardening, hanging out with my girlfriends, or taking care of Luca.

I was probably going to have to do something about that soon.

While I thought about all of that, Lavi came running up to me looking incredibly proud of herself. “So, how was that? I was badass, right, Master? Fufu, it would be alright to praise me after such a performance.”

“You’re right,” I answered. “You were badass. Good job.” I reached out to pet her head. That cool personality of hers instantly vanished as her tail cutely wagged behind her, her ears twitching atop her head as she blushed and looked away. “Good girl.”

“O-oi… Master… you don’t have to go all out against me like that…”

“You wanted praise, didn’t you?” While keeping my one hand petting the top of her head, I reached my other hand forward to scratch under her chin. “Who’s a good girl?”

“Ma-Master!”

“Whoooo’s a gooood girrlll?”

“M-me! I’m the good girl!”

“Are you sure?”

“I am! I’m the good girl! I promise!”

I was supposed to be praising her, but I felt more like I was sadistically teasing her. Sure, Delphi and Cami were fun to tease by calling them good girls, but they didn’t completely break character like Lavi did. Any and all attempts at acting cool and edgy were gone upon being called a good girl. “But you’re also a badass girl who did great in the fight.”

Her ears and tail perked up. “Ye-yeah! I did! F-fufu…” She started to revert to her cool self, so…

“Who’s a good girl?”

“Me!” And now she was back to her excitable dog-like variant.

“You’re so cool, Lavi.”

“H-heh… I know. It’s thanks to the demon in my—”

“Good girl.”

“Mmn! Ma-Master! I—I see what you’re doing! This isn’t fair!” She might have said that, but she was also the one happily resting her chin against my hand scratching underneath it.

“Do you want me to stop then?”

“I—I don’t, but it still isn’t fair!”

“Then I guess the only fair thing would be to stop.”

She grabbed onto each of my hands to keep them in place. “I… I said I don’t want you to stop.”

Drake… you have the expression of a villain on your face. The face of some cruel sadist purposely tormenting a cute girl who just wants love and affection.

You’re the worst.

“Oh. Right. I wanted to ask you something, Lavi,” I said.

Lavi tilted her head while making sure to still stay against each of my hands. “Ye-yeah, Master?”

“How’s this whole demon in your arm thing work?”

“Oh. Lazara. Uh… I’m not sure. I just know that she lives in my arm and I can use her for special attacks now.”

“Can you still feel and use that arm normally?”

“Yeah.”

“But it has a demon living in it.”

“Right.”

“So. You have a demon living in your arm that can take control of it, but you also have full control of it. So, it’s like you’re sharing it and you can both feel everything that happens to it?”

“I think so.” She looked at her left arm. “Does that sound right?” Her left arm let go of my to give us a thumbs-up. I had to assume that it was Lazara who did that.

“Alright. So, she’s also sharing your hand.”

“Yeah. She’s sharing everything from the fingers to the shoulder.”

“So, what if I do this?”

I gently grabbed Lavi’s left hand and held it in place as I leaned down to kiss the back of it. Even though Lavi’s hand and arm were covered in bandages… I could have sworn that part of the bandages turned red as if they were blushing before her arm yanked itself away to hide behind her back.

YOU HAVEN’T EVEN TALKED TO THE DEMON ARM WAIFU AND YOU’RE ALREADY KISSING HER? DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT TOOK THE REST OF US JUST TO GET A KISS FROM YOU? WHAT, ARE YOU SPEEDRUNNING LEWDING YOUR WAIFUS NOW?

“Well, I’m working under the assumption that everybody here except Lake is my girlfriend by default,” I said. “Not to mention that she’s in Lavi’s arm. I’ve already had sex with Lavi. Lavi’s left arm is part of her body. So, in a way, didn’t I already have sex with her before I even knew she actually existed?”

Well, hold on now.

There are two schools of thought.

One, that doesn’t count because it’s not like you did anything lewd to her arm specifically, and you didn’t even know she was there. Also she can only feel what happens to the arm, not the rest of Lavi’s body. I think.

Two, because she’s part of the same body it would be like having sex with conjoined twins.

So, it depends on whether or not you want to count it based off of her being able to feel it and actively participating, or if you want to count it off of just technically being the same body. Personally, I’m in the—

I looked at Lavi who was brightly blushing while we talked about sex right in front of her and remembered something important. “Didn’t we… use your left hand that night?”

Lavi’s left hand refused to come out from behind her back, so she was only able to partially cover up her face with her right hand as she nodded in silence.

Huh. Well, that complicates things.

Her left hand counts as part of the demon’s body… and she would have been able to feel it… but that doesn’t mean she was the one in control. It was probably Lavi in control of her hand at the time. Right?

Lavi nodded again, her ears flattening against her head as her tail drooped behind her. The embarrassment was becoming overwhelming for her.

I really was sadistic since I just thought she looked cute and wanted to tease her more instead of feeling bad for her.

So, Lavi was in control, but Lazara still would have felt it and her “body” was being used. Hmm. This is actually pretty tough. I don’t think anybody has ever faced a predicament such as this before.

This is a philosophical debate for the ages.

Really, I didn’t care about the debate. I just cared about teasing Lavi some more. Not to mention that, by teasing Lavi by talking about all of that, I was also teasing Lazara.

Nobody denied that Lazara was one of my girlfriends, so that meant I was obligated to tease her.

“Also, it is safe to assume that everybody but Lake is my girlfriend, right?” I asked Window.

Yeah. Well, everybody humanoid except Lake.

“Right. Can’t count the dogs, cows, or bees. Only the humanoids. Well, I guess and Valkyria.”

You’re already counting Valkyria?

“I mean, why not? I’ve already been inside of her, I’m able to feel her emotions and can kind of communicate with her, and I take naps with her every now and then. She’s as much of a girlfriend to me as everybody else at this point.”

Wow. You really are speedrunning girlfriends at this point. Now you’ve officially got a tank and a possessed arm in your harem.

“Speaking of them, are either of them ever going to get humanoid forms? I figure it’s probably obvious that Valkyria will, but what about Lazara?”

I can’t just spoil things for you.

“That’s a yes.”

YOU CAN’T JUST TAKE MY REFUSAL TO ANSWER AS A YES, THAT’S NOT HOW THIS WORKS

I probably could have tricked her into admitting it, but I decided to give her, Lavi, and Lazara a break from all of the teasing. “How about that post-battle screen now?”

Oh. Right. Yeah, that’s a thing.

“Hurry up and do it before you get lazy and distracted and decide to do it some other time instead.”

Good point.

Congratulations! You cleared the stage!

Spooky Forest 2-1: MR BONES WILD RIDE

Completion: ★★★

Enemies Defeated: .meht fo llA

Rewards: Uhhh, everything from the previous area minus the Mr. Skeltal’s Skull Chunk, with the addition of haunted scrap metal acquired from the broken car of the ghost rider, and you can have… I’ll get sushi for everybody tonight.

Exploration Report

Area: Haunted Graveyard

Status: Complete

Report: Cami and Clawdia, otherwise known as “C Gang” because I came up with it and want to use it, went and did… you know, stuff. They beat up some undead monsters, dug up some buried treasure, all that normal stuff. But Cami is always quiet and Clawdia is too shy to be honest about her feelings, so they were pretty quiet and boring to watch, honestly. But I did notice that Clawdia kept on zooming her mecha’s vision in on Cami’s hips whenever Cami wasn’t looking. So, I think it’s safe to assume that there might be something nice waiting to blossom between them. Maybe you should try setting them up. Get them in a situation where they won’t be able to refuse their feelings for each other, and then we all get to watch and enjoy the show, if you know what I’m saying. Also, Cami is probably really effective to use against Clawdia. Cami is too cute and kuudere to be a violent tsundere against. So, we need to try and ship them together harder to see some progress there.

Reward: Enhancement Crystal, Map Piece, Bone Seeds

“Seeds?”

Of course that’s the first thing you focus on.

Also, you have like, a lot of money saved up now. You should go try out the Church of RNGesus again.

“I can get more seeds from it, right?”

“Wait! I just noticed something incredibly important that I feel ashamed of for not realizing sooner.”

I’m worried.

I returned my attention to Lavi.

Lavi, as part of her upgrading her tower, grew longer hair. Not only did her hair grow longer, but it also grew thicker. It was styled in a pretty cool way… but also… it looked… even moreso than before…

Fluffier.

All a man really needed in life was fluff and plants.

I had new seeds for my garden which meant I had the plants part of that taken care of.

It had, however, been too long since I truly got to enjoy some premium fluff.

And Lavi had a head full of premium fluff right in front of me.

“O-oi… Master… the way you’re looking at me is kind of scary,” Lavi said as I raised each of my hands up, ready to grope her fluff.

No matter how cool and badass she might have been, that was never going to stop me from tackling her to the ground and forcing my petting hands onto her head to stroke them through her hair as I rubbed my face down against her pristine fluff.

Yeah. Nobody needs to see this.