We were in a haunted forest type of area, so there were plenty of things that I could have expected for the boss.

Perhaps a giant zombie? Or a giant bat? Or a giant slime? Or a giant skeleton cat?

Papa, there’s more to bosses than putting the word “giant” before a normal enemy.

Perhaps even a giant informational status window daughter.

I want to make myself super-sized… but I wouldn’t look any different from Mama.

The point being that there was plenty of giant-sized variety for a boss. Or maybe, if Window really wanted to be unique, there could have been a brand-new enemy that was extra elite or something. Like, maybe an undead dragon.

Or a giant undead dragon.

Instead.

Instead…

Instead!

Instead, the boss managed to actually remind me that the world was, in fact, nonsense.

The boss felt more ridiculous than me planting a star.

Coming tap dancing out onto the lane… was a giant, floating, skeleton head with a single hand that held a trumpet up in front of its face to play.

That was when the boss health bar with its name showed up.

Mr. Skeltal (Thank)

“Why? How is this thematic at all? Shouldn’t it match with anything that we’ve been fighting?” I asked.

Well, it kind of matched with the skeleton cats… but it was the skeletal head of a human, not a cat.

thank u 4 the doots, mr skeltal

“Is this a meme I’m missing or something?”

Yep!

“How is it that my daughter already knows more memes than me? When she’s not even a month old yet?”

The internet!

The internet proved how dangerous it was once again. Not only could it potentially teach Luca things that she was far too young to know, but it could make me feel old if my own daughter knew memes that I didn’t.

It was one thing when Vala or Window knew a meme that I knew nothing about, but Luca? Luca knowing memes that I didn’t made me feel like an extra forty years were slapped onto my age in an instant.

Don’t worry, Papa. I’ll love you no matter how old you are.

Luca, I have to teach you about moderation when it comes to replying to narration. You’re going to break the wall too much and confuse his tiny, non-virgin virgin brain.

“Oh, hey, Window. You’re back. Great timing,” I said.

Of course it’s great timing. It’s impossible for somebody as great and as powerful as I to have anything but the greatest of—AGAIN WHY?!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????

I threw Window at Mr. Skeltal. She might have been my girlfriend and the mother of my child, but she was also my first special ability. That meant it was okay to throw her.

Unfortunately, she barely did any damage to the boss, and the boss made a… taunting little doot with his trumpet in response.

“Well, at least he’s just a giant skeleton head with a trumpet. Could be worse,” I said.

“Did you really have to say that, nya?” Clawdia asked me.

“What?”

“That’s something you’re never supposed to say!”

“What’s the worst that could happen?”

“You’re doing it on purpose, aren’t you, nya?”

“It’s not like anything bad could happen.”

Clawdia placed her hands atop her ears to smoosh them down against the top of her head, causing her mecha to do the same. “I’m not listening! I won’t let you jinx us!”

I think it might be too late for that…

I looked toward Mr. Skeltal just in time to see him do what looked like taking a deep breath, except not considering that he had no lungs to take a deep breath with. All he did was rear his head back a little before quickly moving it back down and letting out the loudest doot of his trumpet that we heard yet.

The doot was loud and powerful enough that it stunned everybody. I couldn’t move. Clawdia couldn’t move. The dogs couldn’t move. The bees fell out of the sky due to, surprise, not being able to move.

Fortunately, the towers were still in play to help out the stunned dogs, and the stun didn’t last longer than three seconds.

“Nobody likes stun mechanics in games, Window! The number one thing you can do to remove the fun is to make it so that somebody literally can’t do anything!” I shouted.

She’s still on cooldown, but she wants me to let you know that she says, “cri moar.”

“I’m so using her again as soon as she’s off cooldown.” I groaned and looked at Clawdia who still looked a bit disorientated. “You good?”

“I—I’m fine, nya… just a little dizzy,” Clawdia answered. “My ears are sensitive…”

That gave me an idea, but it was an idea that I couldn’t say nor even think about because Luca was around.

Aww…

So, that idea needed to be saved for later. “Got any ideas?” I asked Clawdia.

Clawdia nodded before saying, “He’s a skull… so—"

“Wait.”

“Nya?”

“He’s a skull.”

“Yeah?”

“I’ve been referring to him as a skeleton head this entire time. I could have just been thinking of him as a skull. I feel stupid.”

“Oh. Uh… it happens, nya?”

“Thanks, I think. Anyways, what was your plan?”

“Well, he’s a skull, so all we have to do is smash it really hard until he breaks.”

“I guess sharp attacks wouldn’t do too much, but almost everything we have is sharp. Almost everything except…”

“Nyahaha! You figured it out! That’s right! I, Clawdia, will save the day and win this battle using the blunt fists of my superior mecha! I will show this ‘boss’ what a true boss is like!”

“But aren’t you nerfed now that you’re not a boss anymore?”

“Do-don’t worry about that, nya.”

“Time for you to prove you haven’t been nerfed then. I’ll clear you a path.”

“Please, as if I need—”

Mr. Skeltal dooted his horn once more, but it caused a different attack this time. Rather than stun all of us, his latest dooting pushed back everybody in front of him. That was Clawdia and the dogs in the right lane since I was still on the left lane.

The shockwave from the doot even pushed the dogs out of their usual boundary, allowing the enemies they were holding back to advanced and get out of range of the trebuchet tower.

That was when I realized just how problematic that attack could be. If he could keep on pushing us back, then the defenses concentrated around our frontline would be significantly less effective due to the enemies spending less time there. Not only that, but if any of the dogs were turned into zombie cats while pushed away from the frontline, that meant fresh enemies spawning behind our frontline to advance toward the greenhouse.

“This guy might look like a joke, but he’s an actual threat,” I said.

It took Clawdia a moment to get back up in her mecha, but she managed after fumbling around a little. “Nya… I only want to be pushed down by you…”

“Careful. Luca’s still here.”

“O-oh, right. Sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it. We’ve got another problem.”

Looking ahead, an overwhelming number of enemies approached down both lanes. Dealing with them would be hard on its own, but we also had to deal with the boss still.

I had no idea how we were going to survive.

More enemies were going to continue spawning until we could take the boss down. As for the boss himself, he alternated between stunning us and pushing us back as he slowly made his way down the lane.

That was the good thing about him. He moved the slowest out of every boss fought so far. He had no problem taking his time while swinging his skull and trumpet from side to side, playing some sort of song that sounded like it would play on the radio during Halloween.

And that gave me an idea.

If there was one way to defeat somebody who loved Halloween music…

It was with the power of—

“Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way!” I shouted.

—the power of Christmas music.

The dooting came to a stop prior to the eye sockets of the skull glowing bright red.

“Clawdia, do you have loudspeakers built into that mecha by any chance?” I asked.

“Nya! I had them installed when I wanted to listen to my classical music while doing things,” Clawdia answered.

“Good. Play the most horrible, repetitive, stereotypical Christmas song that you can find at max volume.”

“I know I’m a masochist… but that might be too much, nya…”

“It’s to win this fight.”

Clawdia sighed and nodded. “Alright. I’ll do it!”

A few second later and it begun.

Everybody in the surrounding area suffered from the horrendous sound of out-of-season Christmas music, but one suffered more than everybody else.

And that was Mr. Skeltal.

Mr. Skeltal’s skull grew full of cracks from the sound, and those cracks appeared just as he came within range of the trebuchet tower.

The fists of Clawdia’s mecha weren’t the only sources of blunt damage, I remembered. Giant boulders flung by cow-guided trebuchets also counted as blunt damage. Very strong blunt damage at that.

Between the sound of Christmas music, boulders from the trebuchet tower, and rockets from Clawdia’s mecha, the boss came under an intense attack that chipped away pieces of his skull.

Padoru padoru!

I had no idea what Luca was randomly on about, but it made me feel old.

Please… please don’t tell me that you’re defeating the boss I designed in such a stupid wa—

“Informational Status Throw!” I shouted while throwing Window toward the boss. It was a good thing that she kept on popping up on her own since I forgot to check on the cooldown of her.

Window went spinning toward Mr. Skeltal and managed to hit him directly in one of the spots where his bone had started to chip away, sending a massive crack running throughout his skull. He still might have had half of his health left, but the vibrations caused by the volume of Clawdia’s speakers blasting Christmas music made every single one of those cracks in his skull grow larger.

And the larger they grew, the more his health dropped.

And if he didn’t want to fall apart into a bunch of different pieces of bone, he needed to escape.

And that was exactly what he did.

Mr. Skeltal, the trumpet-dooting, floating skull, shed a single tear before shouting, “You’re ruining Halloween!” He then turned around and floated his way back to where he came from at a much higher speed than before.

With that, the battle was won.

I ended up being more surprised at the fact that he actually talked to us than the fact that he ever showed up in the first place. He was the first non-girl in our private universe to talk, excluding me.

Part of me expected to be the only guy to ever talk in the universe.

“Are—are you alright?” Clawdia asked me. “Oh, and nya.”

“Yeah. I’m just… surprised,” I answered. “But it’s because of something stupid, so don’t worry about it.”

Goodbye, Mr. Skeltal. See you next year! May your doots live on!

I can’t believe I’ve been turned into a special ability…

Let’s…

Let’s just get this over with.

Congratulations! You cleared the stage!

Spooky Forest 1-3: The Dooting of Mr. Skeltal

Completion: ★★★

Enemies Defeated: all of them.

Rewards: stuff. my despair. the breaking of my mind and body. spouse abuse. a divorce contract.

Sigh.

Exploration Report

Area: Haunted Graveyard

Status: Complete

Report: Lavi, Cami, and Luca (in case you’re forgetting, Luca was supposed to be with them. She ended up being both there and here. Don’t question it.), explored the graveyard and got into trouble. By trouble, I mean Luca made friends with all of the enemies because of how cute and perfect she is, considering that she’s my daughter, and then Lavi and Cami didn’t have anything to do because they didn’t want to upset Luca and beat up her new friends. So next time, Luca isn’t allowed to go because then nothing happens other than talking about favorite colors and animals and stuff. That’s why you barely get anything this time.

Reward: Enhancement Crystal. THIS IS ANOTHER IMPORTANT THING FOR MECHANICS SO PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE USE ENHANCEMENT SYSTEM NEXT TIME.

Window seemed pretty tired, so I gave her a couple of pats along her top edge. “I’ll check on the enhancement system and crafting after we check out the upgraded towers tomorrow, alright?”

I’m holding you to that.

“You probably should since I might forget if you don’t.”

But… but what if I forget.

“Then we get to put it off for another time until we remember that it needs dealt with.”