It was another beautiful day in Vala’s personal universe. However, as beautiful as it might have been outside, I found that things were only growing louder and more exciting with every passing day. Things were especially loud ever since me and Window ended up suddenly having a kid. Luca had an endless amount of energy in her tiny body and that energy was spent laughing and playing around all day. Fortunately, there were more than enough friends for her to play with between all of us. That meant I could spend my time in the garden with a flustered Window whose hair was all messed up and sweaty because of what we just finished doing.

I couldn’t resist. She was in her human body and wearing overalls.

Regardless, there was something on my mind. “I’ve been thinking, Window.”

“That’s never a good thing,” Window said and sighed. “Now I’m all dirty… we could have at least gone into the bedroom first. What if Luca saw us?”

“She chased Delphi into the woods. They won’t be back for a while if they’re playing another game of hide and seek.”

Window grumbled as she shook the dirt out from the back of her hair. “Get it over with already. Tell me whatever horrible, non-virgin virgin thing is on your mind. Don’t make me suffer for longer than I need to.”

“Well, you see… what happened to leveling up?”

Window froze as sweat dripped off her forehead for an entirely new reason.

“Aren’t I supposed to have a level and be leveling?”

“U-uh… a-about that…”

“Also, I remember that crafting arrows was an option and that it only crafted like five at a time. Considering how long battles are, did you seriously expect me to craft a bow and only five arrows? That wouldn’t even last me through a single wave. Was I supposed to carry hundreds of arrows on me?”

Even more beads of sweat rolled down Window’s forehead as she lowered her head.

“And I’m pretty sure that this was supposed to be like a survival game, too, but there are no survival elements. I mean, we’re never in any danger, we get fully cooked meals given to us after every battle, there’s not even a need for hygiene or anything since we’re always clean enough and never have to use the bathroom—where are the survival elements?”

“Ne-needing sleep and food is… totally part of survival.”

“Even the crafting part is basically hands-off. All we do is gather materials and call in the beavers to do all the crafting for us.”

“Where’d all this even come from? You sound like an author who just got done editing the first volume of the series and realized that there’s a bunch of things we completely forgot about! And now you’re acting like it’s my fault!”

“Disregarding everything except for that last part, aren’t you basically our version of a dungeon master here? Isn’t everything that happens kind of up to you?”

“We-well… I am amazing and in control of everything as appointed by Vala, but…”

“But you’re lazy and forgetful and would rather spend time playing with your idols in gacha games than actually make this world the way it was originally implied to be.”

“Listen! My idols might think I’ve abandoned them if I stop giving them enough attention!”

“They’re PNGs with voice lines!”

Window gasped and reeled back with a look of disgust on her face. “How dare you!”

“Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean I’m wrong.”

“Now you sound like one of those guys who spend too much time on the internet purposely trying to offend people and then mocking them when they’re offended!”

It was my turn to reel back with a look of disgust. “How dare you compare me to one of those things.”

“Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean I’m wrong.” Window stuck her tongue out after that one.

“Alright. For the sake of my ego since I won’t be able to take it if I act like those, I’ll admit that I’m wrong even if I’m not. So, I’m wrong. I’m sorry for calling your PNGs with voice lines PNGs with voice lines because they are definitely not that even if they are.”

“I don’t think it’s possible to make up a worse apology than that.”

“I can think of some.”

“I’m scared.”

“I’m sorry for dropping a nuclear warhead on your country. I thought I saw a spider.”

“How did things escalate to nuclear warfare?!”

“Spiders.”

“Oh. Yeah. Makes sense. Wait, I thought you liked spiders?”

“I do. Spiders are great for gardens. But they’re also the insect that everybody jokes about hating the most and overreacting to.”

“Oh. Right. Hm. If you like spiders, what about a spider girl?”

“How would that even work?”

“You know, like… imagine a centaur but replace the horse half with a spider half. Some people make spider girls like… normal looking girls with normal legs and everything, but then they have spider legs sticking out from their waist and stuff, but those aren’t as cool as the spider girls that are basically just spider versions of centaurs.”

“So, the upper half is still like a normal woman?”

“Yeah, but with more than two eyes.”

“Sounds fine to me. There’s only one potential issue there.”

“What?”

“How would we… well, considering that I’m basically in a relationship with everybody here except Lake, how would the sex work?”

“Wow, Drake. How lewd. I bring up a spider girl and you immediately think about how to have sex with her. I don’t know whether that says something about your love for spiders or how much of a non-virgin virgin you are.”

“It’s not like I’m thinking about it just because she’s a spider!”

“It’s okay, Drake. All you have to do is use the classical excuse of being a leg man. Spiders have lots of legs, you know? Nobody is going to judge you for wanting to do a spider if you say it’s because you just really love legs.”

“People would absolutely still judge me for wanting to have sex with a spider no matter how much I love legs!”

An unexpected guest spoke up before Window could say anything else. “Oh, I didn’t know you’re such a legs man that you like spiders,” Vala said.

“It’s not like being a huge legs man turns somebody into lusting after spiders!” I shouted. “Those are completely different fetishes! One is normal and the other is incredibly dangerous both physically and to public morals!”

“Pffftttt, who cares about public morals?”

“I’m a father now, so I do!”

“What about private morals?”

“Open season.”

“I see. Okay, that makes sense. So, we should behave in public, but it’s okay to incinerate good morals in the sun when it comes to private?”

“Please don’t use the sun as a trash disposal.”

“Why not? Is there anything better in the universe than a sun at disposing trash? It completely incinerates it and doesn’t leave a trace left. And it’s not like pollution is going to matter or anything.”

“What about a black hole?”

Vala shook her head and let out a disappointed sigh. “You disappoint me, Drake. For somebody who loves the environment so much, I would have figured that you’d see the issue with that.”

“What could be bad about throwing it into a black hole?”

“What if the black hole leads to another dimension or universe? A lot of people theorize about black holes containing other universes inside them. They theorize that we’re all inside a black hole, too. It’s black holes all the way up and down. So if you throw trash into a black hole, you’re basically throwing it into somebody else’s backyard.”

“Alright, I’ll admit that you’ve got me there.”

“Hehe. I’ve always loved that you have no problem admitting when you’re wrong.”

“I don’t know how to feel about being able to admit that I’m wrong being one of my character traits.”

“It’s okay. It’s a good trait to have. I wish I could have it, but I’ve never been wrong, so it’s impossible.”

Window nodded. “That’s relatable.”

“Something feels incredibly wrong here,” I said. “It’s almost as if you’re both implying that you’ve never been wrong and could never be wrong.”

“I’m not implying, I’m stating a fact.”

“What she said,” Vala said. “Anyways, before you can say whatever you want to say to try and imply that we’ve been wrong and can be wrong, let me distract you with something else so that we can maintain our artificially inflated egos.” She snapped her fingers. The next second, a perfectly ordinary looking trash bin appeared next to her. “Alright. One sun-fueled bin for all trash and other things that need incinerated!”

“… what?” I asked.

“See for yourself!”

I got up, walked over to the ordinary trash bin, and looked between it and Vala. She looked awfully proud of herself despite its ordinary appearance, so I had no idea what to expect.

I pushed the spinning lid down to reveal what was inside.

And I saw nothing.

Literally. Nothing. My vision was completely black and I felt an intense heat against my face.

“Vala,” I said, still incapable of sight. “Did you put a literal sun in there?”

“Yep!” Vala answered.

“And you didn’t think it would be a good idea to warn me first?”

“Oh. I guess I should have. Need some sunglasses?”

“I need to be able to see.”

“Huh?”

“I’m blind, Vala.”

“Like, blinded by the sight of your cute vidya-playing dragon GF who you totally love and want to pamper and play games with, or blind blind?”

“Blind blind.”

“You could have said both.”

“I can’t be dramatically blind if I’m literally blind.”

“How’d you suddenly go blind anyways?”

“By opening a trash bin and looking into a sun at point blank range, Vala. I didn’t expect you to need that explained.”

“Can humans not handle looking at the sun or something? It’s just a giant glowing ball.”

“No, Vala, humans can’t just look at the sun without damaging their vision. Especially when the sun is literally right in front of them. Honestly, it’s a miracle that all of us aren’t literally melting right now.”

“Oh, well, I put a magic barrier inside the trash so that the heat can’t escape and burn anything.”

“What if somebody puts their hand inside?”

“They’d be fine for plot convenience and because this isn’t the kind of story where somebody might suddenly burn their hand off.”

“Ah, right. Silly me. This is only the kind of story where somebody might suddenly lose all their vision because they looked into a trash bin not knowing to expect a literal sun sitting in the bottom of it.”

“Exactly!”

“Vala.”

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

“Hehe, I love you too!”

“Now give me my vision back.”

“Wo-woah… you sound scary all of a sudden. That’s… kind of hot.”

I couldn’t see anything, but I did hear Window sigh. “This would be the perfect time to bully him and mess with him, but then I’d be somebody who bullies a blind person. That would make me even worse than a non-virgin virgin.”

I gripped the rim of the trash bin as hard as I could. “Just give me my sight back so that I can watch my plants and daughter grow up!”

“I don’t know how to feel about you putting your plants and our daughter on the same level.”

“Oh, whoops,” Vala said. “I forgot that you’re blind blind. Sorry. Hang on.” My vision returned with the next snap of her fingers. “There you go! Can you see now?”

Despite how upset I was just moments about being blind, like a moth to the flame, I opened the top of the bin back up and stared into the sun. Well, the star, technically.

And I managed to not go blind that time as I stared into the eternally burning ball of plasma.

“Why would you open it back up?” Window asked.

“I don’t know,” I answered.

“It’s okay,” Vala said. “I upgraded everybody’s natural defenses so that they’re immune to the sun now. You know how we can be hit by swords and axes and stuff and not lose limbs? It’s like that, but with staring at the sun now! Not that a never-wrong creature like me had that problem in the first place.”

“As a never-wrong informational status window, I can relate,” Window said.

I could have corrected them about never being wrong since they reminded me of it, but there was something else that I wanted to do. I knew that I shouldn’t do it, but… my hand reached toward the trash bin’s opening all on its own.

“Drake,” Window said, “what do you think you’re doing? Why does it look like you’re about to reach your hand into a sun?”

“Listen, Window,” I said. “I am a human being. As a human being, it is my duty to reach out and grab whatever is in front of me.” Vala jumped in front of me on the other side of the trash can, but she didn’t deter me from my path. “Reaching for the stars has been a dream of humanity since the dawn of time! Now that there is a sun within my literal reach, do you think that I could possibly resist grabbing it?!”

“Yes, because even Vala’s magic wouldn’t protect your hand from instantly melting.”

“Do you think the first astronauts feared that?”

“No, because they didn’t plan on flying into the sun.”

“I have to do this.”

“You really don’t.”

“I do, Window.”

With that, I reached into the bin and thrust my hand toward the star.

And then I grabbed it.

I was the first human to officially reach the stars.

And the stars felt squishy. Warm and squishy. Like a heated stress ball.

Then I had an idea.

“How isn’t your hand burning off?” Window asked.

Vala, once more, shook her head. “I’m disappointed, Window. You of all informational status windows shouldn’t underestimate my magic.”

“I—okay.”

I looked at Vala and asked, “If I were to take the sun out of the trash, what would happen?”

“It’d be fine,” Vala answered. “The barrier will come with it.”

“How’s the barrier even work? If my hand is inside the barrier, shouldn’t it be burning?”

“Don’t worry about stuff like that.”

“Fair enough.”

And with that, I held the sun within my hand and yanked it free from the trash.

“Drake… what are you going to do with that sun?” Window asked.

“I’m going to do with this what humans have been experimenting with since the dawn of agriculture,” I answered as I walked back into my garden. I then proceeded to dig a small hole in the ground with my free hand just large enough for the star… and planted it. Then I covered it up with dirt which it was more than capable of glowing through, but it did not burn the dirt.

“You… you just… you planted the sun. You planted a star.”

“It was natural instinct to do so. Every human, upon first acquiring something they’ve never held before, thinks, ‘Can I grow a plant out of this?’”

“That’s not something that every human thinks! Stars aren’t seeds!”

“How do you know? Have you ever tried planting one? For all we know, the universe is a tree and the stars are its fruits.”

“He has a point,” Vala said.

Window collapsed onto her hands and knees. “I give up. I’ve officially become the straight window.”

“You’re as straight as a wet noodle.”

“That’s not the kind of straight I’m talking about!”

“Okay, Noodle,” I said.

“Please don’t make that my new nickname!”

And so, that was how I planted a star and came up with a new nickname for Window in the same day.

I’M SERIOUS THAT’S NOT MY NEW NICKNAME YOU’RE NOT CALLING ME NOODLE