Delphi tilted her head back and sniffed the air as we waited in line for the haunted house. She kept on sniffing until she was able to pinpoint the direction that admittedly delicious scent was coming from, and her eyes widened once she looked in its direction. “Master!” she shouted, earning the stares of those in the line around us, “what’s that?!”

I gave the staring eyes a quick glare to tell them to mind their own business before looking over there myself. Sitting at a nearby table in front of a food stall was a family with paper plates piled high with bands of deep-fried batter topped with powered sugar, vanilla ice cream, and sliced strawberries. “That’s funnel cake,” I answered, “and it’s the best thing you’ll ever find in an amusement park.”

“They don’t sell soup here?”

“I—well… maybe? Depends on if this place has a proper restaurant. Some parks do, some don’t.”

“Then if they sell soup, it can’t be the best thing here! Unless… there’s funnel cake soup?”

“That sounds horrible.”

“No soup is horrible!”

“Nobody wants to eat sweet soup. Plus it would get all soggy.”

“But people eat cereal all the time.”

“That’s—that’s cereal, not soup.”

“Master, what do you think cereal is?”

“Cereal is cereal.”

“And cereal is soup.”

“Cereal isn’t… wait, is it?”

“Soup is a liquid dish. It has a stock which has other ingredients added to it. Milk is the stock and the cereal pieces are the other ingredients. Now! Some people might say, ‘oh, but that doesn’t count because milk isn’t a stock.’ And to them, I say stop being purist pedants! Soup stock can be made in all sorts of different ways! It doesn’t have to only be a broth made from meat or vegetables! And for ingredients, you don’t have to use meat or vegetables! There are soups out there that don’t use either that people don’t mind calling soup! Then there might be the counterpoint of, ‘but soup is hot and cereal is cold,’ but that’s weak! That implies all you have to do to make cereal into a soup is to heat it up! If your logic is so easily defeated by microwaving a bowl of cereal, it doesn’t count! And, and, even if you wanted to be a super purist pedant who refuses to budge from your old, elitist, and gatekeeping ways about what makes a soup a soup, then you would still be wrong because the spirit of soup and cereal are the same!”

I felt like a whole new world was opened up before me, but there was still one more point I could think of. “Alright. But, if somebody asks for soup, and they get cereal, they’re going to be disappointed and vise-versa. Doesn’t that argue against the soul being the same?”

“All that means is that the person asking for soup should have been more specific about what kind. But if they ask for cereal and then get a non-cereal soup, that’s the other person’s fault. Cereal is a sub-category of soup. All cereal is soup, but not all soup is cereal.” Every word that left her lips was backed with pure confidence. “And that’s another example of bad logic! What if somebody asks for soup, who hates tomatoes, and they get handed tomato soup? They would still be disappointed! So, it’s their fault for not being specific! You get what you get when you’re that vague!”

“What… what about water with ice in it?”

“That doesn’t count as soup because it’s a beverage. Soup is a food. You don’t drink soup.”

“But some people do. If it’s a creamy soup, you can drink it instead of… eat it. They even sell microwavable containers of soup that you drink like it’s a cup or with a straw.”

Delphi’s eyes widened again. “Then… then… ice water is soup! Lemonade with strawberry chunks in it are soup! This is a whole new world of soups being discovered!”

“Well, I’d say it’s more like being reclassified rather than discovered.”

“There are so many new soups I get to enjoy!”

“You could have already enjoyed them before.”

“But they’ll be even better now that they’re soup!”

If there was a way of defeating Delphi’s logic, I didn’t care. Plus she was one of my girlfriends so I had no problem with letting her win and be right in the first place.

Water with ice in it was official a type of soup. So was cereal.

Meanwhile, Clawdia acted like she had no idea who we were while taking Honey with her to stand a bit farther ahead in line. Lavi and Cami stayed with us, watching our conversation with great interest while taking mental notes of everything we discussed despite really not covering anything worthy of that.

And by the time the conversation was over, we reached the front of the line and it was finally our turn to enter the haunted house.

“Want to grab some funnel cake after this?” I asked Delphi.

Delphi was quick to nod with an excited smile. She nodded so hard that it made her covered chest jiggle a little. Wearing a baggy sweater wasn’t able to hide the power of her chest.

Once it was our turn, we stepped into the haunted house as a group. Clawdia was quick to leave Honey’s side to cling to my arm instead, joining me in the middle of the group while Delphi, Lavi, and Cami took up rear guard.

All of my nervous fear returned the moment that I heard the eerie carnival music playing within the building. The entrance was lined with signs and warnings about not feeding the clowns, to keep an eye out for falling axes, and to not be afraid whenever we heard honking.

Despite the chosen venue being called the “The Smiling Clowns’ Murder Circus,” it didn’t actually look like a circus at all aside from some decorations here and there. It was a standard, haunted house consisting of hallways and small rooms to capitalize on space. Setting it up like an actual circus with a massive area in the center for performances and stands surrounding it would have taken up too much room. Not to mention that it would seriously limit jump scare potential since the employees couldn’t just jump out from behind a nearby corner.

But even so, I was afraid. So was Clawdia. That was why we ended up clinging onto each other, which probably made me look ridiculous because of how much taller I was than her, as we followed Honey’s lead.

The first worker to jump out at us was a clown with blood pouring out from his eyes. He landed right in front of Honey and yelled while wearing a knife.

Me and Clawdia jumped and clung even tighter to each other.

Honey…

Honey didn’t react at all.

Even when the clown growled at Honey and swung his knife in her direction, making sure not to actually get close with it due to safety concerns, she didn’t react. Well, she kind of did. She went, “H-hello?”

The situation felt so awkward that the clown straight up left to hide again without saying anything else.

This scene ended up repeating itself a few times. Every single time somebody jumped out from the front, Honey lacked any sort of reaction and would greet whoever did it if they kept on trying to scare her.

Honestly, I was fine with the situation. Honey’s pure lack of reaction was comforting and gave me a bit of courage.

The others, however, weren’t fine with it. They wanted a bit more excitement. More of a show. More reactions.

“Hey, Honey,” Lavi spoke up. “Let’s change positions. Master and Clawdia can take the lead, we’ll get the middle, and you cover the back.”

“O-oh, alright,” Honey replied.

“Wa-wai-wait, hang on,” I stuttered out. “Let’s not be hasty here. There’s nothing wrong with Honey being in the front. Right, Honey?”

“It’s okay, Muffin. I want you to have a fun time, too. It’s not fair if I’m the only one having fun.”

You were having fun that entire time? I thought to myself. She definitely didn’t look nor sound like she was having fun with her lack of reactions.

Before I could try and argue about it, Honey was already in the back which left me and Clawdia in the front.

That put me in an extremely difficult position. One, I was terrified and no longer had Honey to use as a shield. I wanted nothing more than to go to the nearest emergency exist to get out of there. Two… I was their boyfriend. It was supposed to be my time to step up and show that I could protect them! Step up and show that I had what it took to survive a haunted house!

My shaking legs that refused to move disagreed with that resolve, though.

What I ended up doing was taking a moment to take some nice, deep breaths in an attempt to calm myself down. That was all I really could do without giving up and looking lame.

So, with that, I took my first step forward as the lead of the group with Clawdia still clinging to my side.

A few seconds passed and everything seemed to be going pretty good, too. I managed to go a whole five seconds without freaking out! But I felt like that was about to come to an end when I turned us into a hall that was almost pitch black with red lights that occasionally flickered.

There was only one more thing I could use to make myself feel better.

Violence.

“I swear if anybody jumps out right now, I’m punching them,” I said, making sure to be loud enough for anybody hiding behind any walls or corners to hear. Everybody except for Honey and Clawdia giggled at my fear. Honey was too busy being Honey and Clawdia was too busy clinging to my arm while hiding her head halfway behind it. “What happened to—to not being afraid?” I asked the latter.

“I’m not!” Clawdia shouted. “I’m—I’m only using you as a shield! What if there’s a spontaneous explosion in front of us?! I have to use you to protect me, nya nya.” Each nya came with an accompanying nod of her head.

“There are bigger things to be afraid of right now than spontaneous explosions! Like—”

Honk.

I froze.

Clawdia froze.

Honk honk.

There it was. Exactly what I feared.

Honk honk honk honk.

Every terrifying honk was louder and closer than the last one.

“I—I’ll happily go to jail tonight if you jump at me!” I shouted.

Silence.

Did my intimidation work?

I let out a deep sigh. “Alright. Good. As long as I threaten them with violence, I should be—”

HONK!

I jumped and let out a noise that I would never admit to actually making no matter the interrogation method, spun, and punched.

Standing behind me was none other than a clown covered in blood wielding a meat cleaver. The worst part was that, because the others were all behind me and Clawdia… they were in on it. They purposely made space by standing to the sides so that the clown could get right behind me and Clawdia.

I never felt so betrayed in my entire life.

I also never felt like I was so close to having a heart attack from how brutally my heart was pounding in my chest.

There was good news, though. My fist hit the clown directly in the center of his face, causing him to fall backward onto his back. His honking nose rolled off his face, too.

That punch was pure instinct. I wasn’t seriously planning on attacking anybody who jumped out at me, but… my body had other plans.

“O-oi, Master,” Lavi said. “I… think you knocked him out.”

“Master’s going to jail,” Cami said.

Then there was Clawdia who spoke in a hushed voice I could barely hear. “I’m so turned—I-I mean! Good job, servant! Y-you’ve done well protecting me, nya!”

I looked down at her and said, “It sounded like you were about to say something else there.”

“N-nonsense!”

Before I could tease Clawdia about what she was about to say some more, Honey spoke up to ask, “Should… I find a medic for him?”

“He’ll be fine. All I did was punch him in the face,” I answered. “And he deserved it anyways.”

“Oh. Alright.”

“You know, I almost feel like you gave up on worrying about him a little bit too easily.”

“Sh-should I take him after all?”

“No, but still.”

“I’m confused.”

Delphi’s ears perked up as she shouted out, “Hi, Confused! I’m Delphi!” Her tail wagged so quickly that it looked like it was about to fly off from her body as the rest of us stared at her. “I learned that one from Master! The other Master.”

At the very least, Delphi’s dad joke took away a good amount of the fear I felt. “Don’t you think you should come up with a way to make it clear which of us you’re talking about?”

Delphi shook her head. “Master is Master! Master is also Master! Both masters are Master!”

“Couldn’t one of us be Master One and the other be Master Two?”

Once again, she shook her head as if it was an outrageous idea. “That implies seniority or preference even if there isn’t any! Masters are equal!”

“Alright, I won’t—Cami… what are you doing?”

I noticed Cami crouching down next to the fallen clown’s head as she poked his cheek. “Seeing if he’s alive,” she answered.

“He’s fine. All I did was punch him.” I hoped he was fine, anyways. “So, now that you’ve seen what happens when you want me to lead, I vote on you three leading us.” I looked at Delphi, Lavi, and Cami.

Honey—well, when she was in the lead, nothing was scary because she was absolutely unphased. Then there was me with Clawdia by my side. There was a non-zero chance of me accidentally killing somebody if they jumped out at me. So, it was time for the technically-not-sisters to take the lead together since they seemed like a healthy middle ground between the extremes of Honey and me.

And that was what we did after making sure that the clown was still alive. I honestly started to worry a little since he wasn’t moving at all, but then he opened up his eyes and started coughing before asking us what happened.

He had no recollection of my fist. So, I told him that he tripped and bashed his face into the floor, so we rolled him onto his back and checked on him.

He was confused, but grateful. More importantly, I wasn’t about to end up on a wanted list for assault.

The rest of our time in the haunted house was much more normal. Delphi, Lavi, and Cami provided fun reactions to watch while tanking all of the scares from the front. Honey stayed behind me to tank anybody who might pop up from behind to scare us. That left me and Clawdia in the middle, and I made sure to always keep Clawdia on the side of the rooms and halls exposed to an opening. By keeping myself on the side with solid walls, I never had to worry about any surprise attacks and she was too worried to notice my tactical positioning.

Being behind the three up front was good for my sanity, too. I got to watch their tails wagging around with every jump scare.

It was adorable.

The cute wagging of their fluffy tails kept me from getting too worked up. After all, even if I was in the most protected position of the group, I was still in a haunted house with creepy decorations and ambient music designed to make its listeners uneasy.

Then, before we finished making our way through, I noticed something. Almost all of the latter, attempted scares came from behind us to target Honey. There was only one thing I could assume about that. I knew that, often in such places, the workers would coordinate with each other using radios. Going by how not a single person was able to scare Honey, I figured they must have been communicating behind the scenes to try and scare her.

Whether it was a shrieking clown girl with her head almost hanging off, a massive clown with a fake chainsaw, or anything else, none of them were able to scare her. None of them were even able to grab her attention. Her cold, absent reaction to them was probably the true terror of the haunted house. She struck fear into the clowns as the one who could not be scared. Meanwhile, every time I looked back at her, she smiled and gave me a little wave.

When we finally, finally made it to the exist, several of the crewmembers were waiting outside to shake Honey’s hand in an admission of defeat. She had no idea what was going on, but that was enough to prove my theory right.

They encountered somebody who was truly undefeatable. Completely unfrightenable. They encountered a honey badger woman, and they learned that she truly didn’t give a fuck. Well, she didn’t have any to give while going through the building. She turned into a blushing, flustered mess when everybody wanted to shake her hand and praise her while she had no idea why. If anything, all the positive attention given to her did scare and overwhelm her.

I made sure to pull her away before she got too overwhelmed.

I also heard one of the employees tell another about their coworker who they just found out received a concussion after… tripping.

Concussions are temporary, so he’ll be fine. Probably. Worst case scenario I have Window poof some money into existence for him in case he doesn’t have health insurance, I thought.

I was sure he’d be fine. Our stomachs, however, weren’t going to be fine unless we got some food in them, so it was time for some greasy, unhealthy, amusement park food.

It was time for funnel cake.

The non-soup/cereal kind of funnel cake.