According to Vala, I was living a “harem dream.” The kind of dream that men everywhere would be jealous of. The kind of dream that would be the plot of one of her favorite anime shows.

But what was supposed to be dreamlike about not getting to garden in peace?!

I just wanted to enjoy my time in the garden taking care of my plants, but that was impossible! It was mostly Vala’s fault, too. Ever since Clawdia came and began living with us, Vala has had no short amount of fun pushing all of Clawdia’s “tsundere buttons.” That’s what Vala called them, anyways.

One of those buttons just so happened to be Vala coming up to me while I’m working and wrapping her arms around my right arm to hug it against her chest while asking me for attention.

This always resulted in the same thing happening.

“Wha-what do you think you’re doing being so lovey-dovey with my Master?!” Clawdia shouted, immediately wrapping her arms around my left arm to hug it against her own chest.

All I could do was stand there and try not to pop a vein in my forehead as the girls fought over me. Again.

We decided to take a break from progressing in our “game” for a little while to take care of everything around the place. That included building a few dozen – or rather, gathering the resources for a few dozen new houses that all of the homeless cats could live in after I blew up their castle. They got their own little community by the forest where they spent all their time either lazing around in the sun or birdwatching. Usually while high on catnip.

As for Vala and Clawdia, they “fought” every single day. Over me.

And if they weren’t fighting over me, there was Delphi, Lavi, Cami, the rest of the dogs in the towers, the bees, and the cows who also all needed attention! What was I supposed to do? Just not give them attention? There was no way I could do that! They needed attention and I needed to give them attention!

My life became so busy ever since Clawdia and all of the cats arrived, yet Vala somehow expected me to get at least another twenty or so girlfriends?

How was that supposed to be possible?! I already ran out of time!

There was nothing dreamlike about it!

You remind me of that one meme, Drake.

And now there was Window popping up in front of me while Vala teased Clawdia.

You know, the one about the guy asking online for help with his budget saying that his family is dying because he can’t afford everything he needs, and reveals that part of his monthly budget is spending thousands on candles? Then a person replies to stop spending that much on candles and he says no? That’s you but replace candles with gardening.

“Couldn’t you have just shown me the meme?” I asked.

Look, I was going to, but copying memes like that is actually copyright infringement. It’s really stupid but I don’t want us to have to deal with copyright issues right from the third volume’s opening.

Now describing them, on the other window, isn’t copyright infringement.

Take that, law.

Like usual, I ignored the nonsense parts of what Window had to say to instead focus on what actually mattered. “It’s not like I’ve even spent that much time gardening.”

Drake it literally is almost everything you do. Ever since your little break here began, you rushed to build the cats the bare minimum of acceptable housing and then have gardened, taken naps on top of Valkyria, gardened some more, given your girlfriends the bare minimum amount of attention, gardened some more – IT’S LITERALLY ALL YOU DO. YOU MIGHT AS WELL REPLACE THE NEED TO BREATHE WITH THE NEED TO GARDEN.

“Can I do that? Seriously, can I? Is it possible to make it so that I need gardening to live instead of breathing? Window, do it. Make it happen. I know you can do it.”

I’M NOT GOING TO DO SOMETHING THAT STU—

“Vala, make her do it,” I said. “I’ll make Clawdia act extra tsundere if you do.”

“Ooh… that’s a good deal,” Vala said. “But how will you make her even more tsundere?”

“I’ll probably compliment her.”

Clawdia’s grasp on my arm tightened as she butted her forehead against my arm. “A-as if I would enjoy that, nya! And – and it’s not like I would act extra tsundere or anything just because you compliment me!”

“She has a point, Drake,” Vala said. “You’ll have to take it to the next level if you really want to make her act extra tsundere.”

I sighed when I realized what needed to be done, not that I minded. “Alright, Vala. Do the thing.”

During our time off, I got to spend plenty of time around Clawdia now that she was with us every single day. I learned a few new things during that time, including a special defense that Vala and I came up with for whenever we wanted to really tease Clawdia for a reaction.

Vala nodded and used a bit of magic to cast a protective barrier over the skin of my cheeks.

Now, given that Clawdia was essentially only roleplaying and that this was something we all knew that she actually wanted and enjoyed, it was alright to do it.

I wrapped an arm around Clawdia’s waist while grabbing her chin with my hand, tilting her back as I brought my lips down against hers. Her cheeks were already burning red before our lips met, then both her tail and ears turned red and stood straight up as we kissed.

A soft moan could be heard as she closed her eyes to enjoy it, even going so far as to allow her hands to rest on my back, but the instant that I broke the kiss off…

She slapped me across the face with all of her strength, almost knocking me over and breaking my neck in the process from how quickly she made it turn. Thankfully, because of the protection that Vala gave me just beforehand, I felt zero pain and was in no actual danger. Probably.

“Ho-how dare – dare you kiss me so – so… so randomly!” Clawdia shouted as she crossed her arms over her chest. “I am a queen! Even if you did destroy my entire kingdom, I am still royalty and deserve to be treated as such!”

“You sure do act different whenever you’ve got some catnip in your system,” I teased, causing her to take a couple of flustered steps backward.

“I – I told you to never bring that up, nya! How shameful of me to allow you to see me during that state…”

“And all I’ve got to do is tease you about some adult things, such as dressing you up as a maid and making you—”

“Tha-that’s enough! Stop!” She raised her hands to cover up her ears as her face burned as bright as ever. She looked like somebody who was embarrassed from having their dark past brought up. But, at the same time… she didn’t actually press her palms against her ears like somebody would if they really wanted to not hear something. She wanted to hear me tease her some more.

“You mean you don’t want me to tease you about how I would make you serve me and my every need? I shouldn’t talk about how you’d be a queen fallen from grace reduced to nothing more than a common servant?”

Clawdia bit her lower lip and pressed her thighs together as she squirmed where she stood. “I – I would never… ever like that! Just because it… sounds… so goo—horrible! Horrible! You and everything you represent is horrible, nya!”

Window nodded her entire body along with what Clawdia was saying. Though, while Clawdia was saying it just to be tsundere and to try and hide her masochistic desires, Window had a high chance of actually meaning it.

“Isn’t being horrible what you like about me?” I asked.

Clawdia looked ready to burst. In multiple meanings. “You – you… gah-nya!” She stomped off after that but not without stopping to look back at us and stick her tongue out before marching over to the cat village. That was where she usually went after her tsundere moments so that she could feel like she was in charge some more. The cats might have preferred lazing around under the sun while high on catnip, but they still had enough energy left in them to pretend to listen to her speeches.

“Nice,” Vala said.

“Yeah, I get it now. I thought you were kind of insane before for wanting somebody who’s violent, but I get it,” I said. “But it might be turning me into a masochist.”

“It’s great, isn’t it? You might not be able to feel any pain when she slaps you, but you can still feel the love!”

“Maybe it wouldn’t be that bad if I could feel a tiny bit of the pain.”

“Woah… you really are turning into a masochist. You – you don’t expect me to be a sadist, do you? I don’t think I could purposely hurt you…”

“You can accidentally almost kill me but not purposely hurt me a little?”

Now it was Vala’s turn to pout and whine as she lightly smacked her fists against my arm.

“Don’t worry. I’m not actually turning into a masochist.”

Vala immediately looked relived. “Phew… I don’t have any black leather.”

“One, you could just pop some into existence. Two… what does having black leather have to do with anything?”

“Don’t people wear black leather when they do that sort of stuff?”

“I have no idea. You’d have to ask Clawdia.”

“Heh. I guess you’re still pretty pure whenever somebody isn’t wearing overalls.”

I looked around when I heard her mention overalls, only to be disappointed when I saw that there wasn’t anybody wearing overalls nearby. A disappointed sigh left my lips before I remembered that there was a point in making Clawdia act extra tsundere other than to give all of us, herself included, some fanservice. “Vala, make Window make it so that I can live off of gardening instead of breathing.”

“I mean… I could. I could make it so that you never have to breathe, but instead have to fill up a daily gardening bar. If your gardening bar ever drops to zero then you die.”

“See, now that’s a good game mechanic that we should have here.”

WTF THAT’S NOT A GOOD GAME MECHANIC AT ALL

YOU WOULD LITERALLY DIE IF YOU DIDN’T GARDEN FOR A DAY

Vala shook her head. “Then all we have to do is make it so that he has to garden at least one time a year to survive!”

I immediately shot down that idea. “No. There’s no risk then since I’m obviously going to garden at least one time a year. But if it’s at least once a day, there’s pressure there to make sure that I always spend time doing it. Gardening is worth the risk.”

WHAT IF YOU GET SICK OR GET DISTRACTED IN A BATTLE OR SOMETHING

“It’s worth the risk. The risk of death is what makes gardening so addictive!”

THAT’S SOME SERIOUSLY MASOCHISTIC STUFF THERE

ALSO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE THE STRAIGHT MAN SO STOP BRINGING UP THESE INSANE IDEAS

Vala stood there by my side with tears in her eyes. “This… this is why I love you, Drake. You’re a man who sticks by your ideals! You devote everything to what you care about, even your life!”

I embraced Vala with one hand around her back as my other hand rested on the back of her head. “Thank you for supporting me, Vala. Now… it’s time. Make it so that I can die if I don’t garden.”

NOBODY IS DOING THAT

“Okay,” Vala said with a nod. “I won’t let your resolve go to waste!”

PLEASE DO

I closed my eyes as I awaited the change that would affect my destiny. From then on, I would no longer have to breathe. I would only have to garden. And if I didn’t garden, I would die.

It wasn’t exactly how I planned on the day going, but I wasn’t going to complain.

That was when an entirely new voice spoke up from behind. “It’s… okay. If you die… you can be one of my zombies.”

I opened my eyes and spun around to look at who it was. Standing before me was… a new woman who looked like another queen.

Where to even start with describing her?

Well, what immediately gave it away that she was supposed to be a queen was the fact that she had a tiara with a skull on front of it, a beautiful dress that looked like it was supposed to be the combination of a maid uniform and a royal gown, and… just like how the cat queen had a cat toy scepter, this new queen had a feather duster scepter. She looked like some kind of hybrid of royalty and maid as far as costume went.

Then there was everything else.

Bolts stuck out from the sides of her neck like she was some sort of old school horror monster. One leg was wrapped up in bandages that made me think of a mummy while the rest of her skin featured patchwork stiches looking like they were all that were holding her various limbs together. Then there was her mouth with shark-like teeth and her red eyes that looked… pretty empty and like they struggled to focus on anything. Despite looking like she was dead, her black hair still looked clean and shiny while reaching down to the back of her knees while one particularly long strand of her bangs hung down in front of the center of her face with a curl to the side.

There was also a…

Well, that didn’t need mentioned.

Just say it.

She was on Delphi’s level when it came to certain assets.

You’re still bad at describing the best parts, but it’s good enough. I guess.

I caught myself staring a bit too much at the Delphi-tier part of her, so I looked back up only to see this new queen staring at me with a tilted head and a bit of drool hanging from her mouth. “Are you… alright?” I asked her.

Her response was preceded by a monotone grumbling that sounded like somebody trying to imitate a zombie. “Aaaaaggghhh… I want… to taste you…”

I decided to ignore the bit about wanting to taste me. “I’m guessing that you’re the next queen we have to defeat?”

She tilted her head back, a bit more than a neck should have been able to healthily bend to think about it for a few moments before looking back at me and answering, “Prob…ably. Ah. I’m… not supposed to… be here yet. I… think.”

How did you even get here?

“I… flew.”

“Since when can zombies fly?!” I shouted.

Vala hushed me and said, “Drake, don’t call her a zombie. Zombies are dead and necrophilia is illegal. If you want to eventually lewd her, you have to refer to her as a being-of-existence.”

“Not more of that. Please.”

“Then a person-of-unknown-but-still-sentient-and-arguably-living-status. Oh! Wait! I know! Perform a hug test!”

“A hug test?”

“If she’s cold, she’s dead and can’t be lewded. If she’s warm, she’s alive and can be lewded!”

The definitely-not-a-zombie queen opened her arms as she drooled even more.

“Is… is it safe to hug her?” I asked.

“Hmm… probably,” Vala answered. “Worst-case scenario, she bites a chunk out of your neck and you get turned into a zombie.”

“That’s a pretty extreme worst-case scenario!”

“Aaaagghh… I want… hug,” the queen said.

I never felt more like a piece of meat to somebody than I did when the new queen stared at me. But even though she looked like she was definitely going to bite me as soon as I hugged her, I couldn’t resist. She… really was pretty cute. And even though she looked questionably alive, she looked so soft and warm.

“Prepare a silver bullet or whatever it is that you use against zombies,” I told Vala.

“I think those are for werewolves,” Vala answered.

“Same thing.”

“Not… not really.”

I took a deep breath and approached the queen. There was still a strong part of my brain telling me that it was a bad idea, but I went for it. I hugged her.

And I immediately felt relieved when I learned that she was, in fact, warm. And very soft.

And then I immediately regretted everything when she latched onto my neck with those shark-like teeth of hers to bite me harder than I had ever been bitten before.

Naturally, my response to that was to unwrap my arms from her and try to push her away without being so rough that I would knock her over. That was the instinctual, natural way for somebody to respond when they felt like a predator just dug their fangs into their neck.

And it worked. Her body stumbled back a little bit but wasn’t knocked over.

But there was a problem.

Her body was missing a head.

And her head was still attached my neck.

I froze as I felt the chewing on my neck continue. If I didn’t try my best to calm down, I would have reacted to her head in the same way that most people reacted to finding out that they had a massive spider on them. In other words, sheer panic and begging somebody else to help get it off of them.

But I didn’t want to offend the new queen right after meeting her, as much as situation was terrifying to me.

I was really, really bad with horror.

Fortunately, I had Vala there to help me out.

Unfortunately, Vala was a degenerate who had better ideas.

“What are you doing?! Help me!” I shouted at her.

Vala stuck her tongue out at me before going back to hugging the headless body of the queen, resting her head down against the top of the body’s breasts. “Hehe. It’s safe to do this when her head is distracted with you.”

Vala wasn’t going to save me. Delphi, Lavi, and Cami were too far away to get here in time before the queen could chew through my neck. Clawdia already went over to the cat village. Lake was probably drunk and asleep. Window was Window.

I would be offended if you weren’t right.

I only had one option left.

“Conan! Catrir!” I shouted.

The two massive, oversized cats rushed over from my garden while making the ground shake with every step they took.

“Zombie head! Neck! Help me!”

The two giant cats, wearing the gardening outfits that were prepared for them, looked at each other and nodded. Catrir grabbed my shoulders to help keep me in place while Conan grabbed onto the queen’s head to pull her off of me.

It was a success. They again proved that I made the right choice to hire them as my gardening assistants during our break from the battles.

“Woah, the side of your neck is all pixelated and red,” Vala said.

“Isn’t that a bad thing?!” I shouted.

“It’s okay. It’ll go back to normal once the comedy of the situation is over.”

I was tempted to reach up to my neck to feel what happened since I couldn’t see it myself, but I was afraid about what I would feel. Not to mention that I got a pretty good idea of what happened by looking at the queen’s mouth and seeing the red coloring all around it.

While Conan held the queen’s head between a few of his fingers in front of me, she looked at me with sparkles in her eyes. “So… tasty. I want… to eat you… all up.”

“I’m getting a muzzle for you!” I shouted at her.

“That’s… Clawdia’s… thing.”

“Wait, you know her already?”

“All of… us queens, know… each other. We have… a chat group.”

“Right. I don’t know why I didn’t automatically assume there was something like that already.”

Speaking of Clawdia, she returned and could not have looked more frustrated. “You!” she shouted at the head. “What are you doing here?! I had to wait forever until I finally got to meet him in person, and now you’re here before we’ve even gone to your zone-nya!”

“I… was hungry,” the queen answered.

Clawdia snatched the head from Conan, shoved herself between Vala and the body, and then reattached the body to the head. “Wait… you – you… why are you dressed like a maid?!”

“Because… I’m… the zombie maid queen.”

“That’s my thing! I’m the one who’s supposed to be Master’s maid-nya!”

“But… I was a real maid… before. I will always… be maid.”

“How am I supposed to compete with an actual maid?! It doesn’t matter how hard he breaks me if you’re a real, genuine maid! I could never compete! Change your character! Your past! Whatever! Just change it!”

“N…o.”

Steam vented from Clawdia’s ears as she stomped her feet. “How did you even get here?!”

“She flew,” I answered. “Apparently.”

“What? But she can’t fly!”

The queen looked up and said, “Aagh.”

That was when a giant… fluffy, very fluffy, bat dived from above the clouds and landed on the ground behind the queen.

I was in awe of the bat’s sheer amount of fluff.

And then…

The bat transformed.

Now standing behind the queen was a woman with short, blonde hair that looked like the fluffiest hair I had ever seen before. She also wore a pretty tight-fitting butler suit. “Are you ready to return, my queen?” the transformed fluff asked.

JUST REFER TO HER AS A VAMPIRE. SHE’S OBVIOUSLY A VAMPIRE. SHE’S NOT “TRANSFORMED FLUFF.”

“Aagh,” the queen answered, prompting the transformed fluff to return to her even fluffier form. The transformed fluff then flew up a little bit and grabbed onto the queen with the claws of her feet, holding her in the air as the queen’s limbs limply hung below her. “See you… later… my favorite… food.” Of course the queen just had to look straight at me as she said that.

The giant, fluffy bat then looked straight into my eyes for a few moments before flying away over the forest.

“Vala… Clawdia,” I whined. “The… fluff flew away before I could pet it.”

Before either of them could respond, Conan and Catrir poked my shoulders to get me to turn around and then presented their bellies to me.

But it wasn’t the same. I already had access to their fluff whenever I wanted it now that I showed them the true pleasure of allowing me to fluff them on demand.

Then I realized something.

If I wanted to fluff the bat’s fluff, all I had to do was fight my way to her.

“Alright! Our break is over! Window, since our date isn’t until tomorrow, that means we can squeeze in a fight today! Let’s get started!” I announced.

I don’t know why I’m only just now realizing that if I ever want you to progress the plot, all I have to do is introduce some more fluff.

I didn’t care about “plot.” All I cared about was acquiring the fluff of—

“If… if you want to fluff somebody so badly, I suppose I wouldn’t mind if you… fluffed me,” Clawdia said, standing in front of me with her head slightly lowered and her fingers poking each other’s tips.

She must have still been self-conscious over having a real maid to compete against.

I sighed and smiled. While Conan’s and Catrir’s fluffs must have grown a bit old, Clawdia’s never would. So, I pet the top of her head and gave special attention to her ears.

It only took a few moments of that before she reached up to grab my wrist, keeping it close to her head as she tilted it back and smiled with closed eyes. She even purred.

“Tsundere cats and kuudere zombies make the best queens for harems,” Vala said with a confident nod.

I wasn’t entirely sold on the zombie part yet, but I did have to admit again that she was pretty cute.

I was just afraid that she would eat my head off.