What is gold even good for?

In history it’s been used for currency so it’s worth a lot of money just through its economic history, or so I am told on Nupedia, the free online encylopedia.

(Yeah, I talked a lot about how I didn’t need a computer that much when I was without one for like three months, but honestly, having this dude at home for me to look stuff up on is extremely useful. I kind of enjoy computers when I investigate cases, but shhh don’t tell anyone.)

Gold’s main monetary worth for thousands of years seems to be based on an accidental spread just because it’s a little rare and a little shiny. There doesn’t seem to be much of any other reason I can see. But wow, gold really took over. People fought wars over it. Explorers searched across the globe for it. Alchemists tried desperately to turn lead into it. Here in Georgia, just for gold that didn’t really exist, the old United States invaded the Cherokee Nation forced its people to relocate a thousand miles away. Thousands died in that march—the Trail of Tears.

So many lives ruined over this useless shiny metal.

Useless, that is, until recently.

That’s when the monolithic integrated circuit came into play. The computer microchip. The late forties saw these nifty little devices explode onto the scene thanks to whatever cool researchers happened to create them, and the rest is history (literally). A couple decades later and we had personal computers, robots, and all sorts of other “smart” technology. The world went from standing in the smoking ruins of the Second World War to basking in the clean, metallic glory of the modern age.

And that’s all thanks to gold. It turns out that those rare, shiny rocks we’d been digging up for so long are really good conductors of electricity. It turns out that all those places conquered, all those people killed were done for more than just a stupid rock; it was done for the advancement of human progress. Apparently.

But who am I to judge my ancestors and everyone involved in the horrific trades that made us? After all, I’m using a computer right NOW. I’m literally, at this very second, using a quantifiable amount of gold every single second.

So, in a way, I, just like you reading this right now, am responsible for Mighty Slammer’s criminal actions. The entire gold industry and all the horrible mining practices I’m sure go on to this very day exists just to serve us and our modern lifestyle.

What I want to know, then, is what Mighty Slammer is actually doing with this gold. Is she taking it to melt it down and sell it off? Is she funneling it to some underground factories building death machines like those scrapped Sakaguchi Knights from back in June?

I’ve spent the last few hours searching for answers to this question, and so far nothing much has come of it. And, as an almost impossibly perfectly timed distraction, I now see a notification on my Netnect profile—a message.

It’s Amy Hawthorne…

Holo4EverAmy has sent me a message. Six of them in a row, in fact.

Amy:

sup morg

hey sup

i see youre online so dont think im stupid

“afk” bullshit

this is important

this is amy your best friend remember

Morgan:

Oh hi amy, how are you…….

Amy:

send me a vid

Morgan:

What

Amy:

idk im bored send me a vid

i need to satiate my boredom

help a girl out

do something good in your life for once

Morgan:

Do you really think i want to help you more when you insult me…

Amy:

cmon morg

Morgan:

My name is Morgan, no nicknames

Amy:

cmon morg

an

Morgan:

Ill find something.

Just wait a second

Itll be good

Amy:

ive waited at least thirty seconds now

ur lucky im so generous bc otherwise id have left your ass

so slow

morgan is a loser say what

(what)

jk ofc you arent a loser bc you never were in the game

its all a game see

were all players and npcs

and im a player yeah

but not all of us are players

youre an npc is what im saying

morgan

……….morgan…….. youre making me punctuate.

i never punctuate.

ugh.

Morgan:

Ok here it is, Pepsiman:

[Pespiman]

Do you like it?

Amy:

this is

well

its terrible but i love it

where the hell did you find this

Morgan:

The internet is a weird place…

Some days your searching for bad guys and you find pepsiman

Other days your finding weird facts about gold and then a teen girl insults you…….

Amy:

god youre trying to segway into some shit you want to rope me into

dont pretend

im smarter than you think

or

just generally smarter than you

yeah

Morgan:

Geez no i was just talking.

but Yeah im doing a big case again, wanna help?

Amy:

no

Morgan:

Its about gold and that cool new villain mighty slammer

A big mystery where all that ascendants stuff might be important again

Amy:

listen

i helped you out before bc i was a right generous bitch

and bc the holos all helped

but that shits not important now

i got stuff to do and ppl to see

mysteries are for privileged white folks w time to kill

Morgan:

geez

Amy:

i bet ur mystery can be solved in like five seconds

the answer is

its not some big grand conspiracy with a bunch of puppet masters

its a series of stupid accidents

idiots with idiot plans who just happen to cross over

thats all life is

one day youll be wise like me and figure that out

jk

maybe youll get a tenth of my wisdom

also jk

Morgan:

huh…..

That was terrible advice but i think you gave me something to stew on

Amy:

ur welcome

five bucks

send me over netnect pay

i need sun chips rn

Morgan:

Im not sending money.

Amy:

oh then bye

you made me more bored than before

…And then Amy logs off Netnect completely.

Honestly, even though she was just trying to insult me and throw me off my usually extremely clever bantering game, I think she’s given me a hunch. It’s an extremely obvious hunch, but it’s a new lead I can investigate on pretty easily, and tomorrow even.

If grand conspiracies are always a lot more simple than they appear, then this very simple conspiracy probably has an important point I can investigate: Tony with an “ah!” The thought hadn’t even occurred to me until now, but I bet she’s got some info I can exploit.

Thank you so much, Amy, for your accidental brilliance.

(I hear her insult me through the psychic realm.)