How I Met Your Monster #40

Lloyd

Profile:

Loyd, 30

Wizard Adventurer

Likes: Learning new spells

Dislikes: Phylacteries

Bio:

I have spent the last few years hunting down every phylactery for the Necromancer Lich and have finally finished. What better time to try and meet someone to settle down with.

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Well, I asked some of my contacts in the monster and adventure worlds if they had any information on the guy who was trying to stop the necromancer. They all gave me the name Lloyd. I then asked Unhinged and they hooked me up with the right profile to ask for an interview. And I have to say, it was interesting.

We met at a local tavern that was set up for adventurers. Even though I was fledgling, Lloyd told the bouncers that I was with him. He got us both a large pint of ale and toasted to my health. He seemed like an ordinary everyday wizard. He was tall and lanky, covered from neck to toe in a bright orange robe. He had a matching pointed orange hat, and so much gray beard. His staff leaned against him. At first glance, I was surprised that this was the guy who put in all the work to kill the necromancer.

"I have to say, I am a bit surprised that you're the guy who killed the necromancer," I said.

He laughed, quickly and slightly offended, "And yet I am. Though I will say that I did not do the initial killing. A young group of adventurers did that. I merely showed up sometimes and they have me information and eventually, a piece of his soul. I then tracked down his phylacteries one by one using that piece and the magic."

"Still. From what I hear, you must have defeated several enemies to even get close to the phylacteries."

He nodded, gravely, "Yes. They were not easy quests. Of course, some were. The skeletons and the gnolls and all of that. But then you fight mimics and beholders and cave trolls and a giant sometimes, and it gets tiresome. But, it was for the betterment of the world."

"Why did you need to defeat him. Was he planning on destroying life as we know it? To kill all of us or just humans? To enslave and rule on a throne of skulls?"

Lloyd was taken aback for a second before laughing, loud and sincerely, "No, no, nothing like that. Wow, you have such an imagination. No, he once dated my sister. He got her pregnant and then just left."

It must have been my imagination, but time slowed down, "Wait, so you went to all of that trouble destroying all of the pieces of his soul because he was a dick bag to your sister?"

"Of course! Who does something like that? I made sure that prick would never see the light of day again. When I finally got the last one, his essence appeared and cussed me out. I told him that's what he gets for abandoning his girlfriend and unborn daughter."

I took a deep pull of my ale, "Alright then. Well, what are you doing on Unhinged?"

"Well, adventuring took a lot out and I accomplished what I set out to do, so I thought it was time for me to settle down and meet someone nice. As much as I love playing with my niece, I wouldn't mind having a few kids of my own, you know?"

"Yeah, yeah. That makes sense. How's it going?"

"Oh, very well. Apparently the bastard that broke my sister's heart was also killing using orphan labor camps to build himself dungeons. A lot of folk are super happy and appreciative to me for what I've done."

"And did you find out about the sweat camps before or . . ."

"After, of course."

"Of course."

"He was also responsible for several minor wars amongst various creature clans. He also was the one who killed my mentor at wizarding school. Turns out he was also a student there."

"And you found out all of this later."

"Sure did! One of the party that killed his first body told me just the other day that the necromancer slaughtered his village except for those he kidnapped for experimentation."

"What kind of experiments?"

"He was turning them into undead creatures he could use in battle if he had to. Turns out he was slowly but surely building an undead army to take into the layers of hell for an invasion. If he would have succeeded, he would rule all of the layers and be able to use all of the dead from the past and future to serve him."

"But you killed him because . . ."

"Because he hurt my sister, yes." He took a drink from his pint and eyed something across the room.

"Well, good for you. I'm glad you managed to take him down for family."

"Why thank you, Silas. You have to stand for something, you know?"

"Definitely. So, what are your plans going forward?"

"Oh, that party is still adventuring. I might join up with them whenever I'm a bit bored and help out. Or just to say something weird and ominous and leave them in confusion. They hate it, but it's so damn funny. Other than that, just hope I meet someone worth enjoying longer than a night and check in on my sister and niece. Want to see some pictures?"

I said yes. I in no way wanted to offend him over his family. He had a bunch of proud uncle pictures, including one of his niece in his giant floppy orange hat. It was honestly adorable. I thanked him for showing me and for his time, and left the tavern.

So there you have it. As much as the evil necromancer lich was indeed evil and seemed to have various vile plans set in motion to accomplish some degree of power and control, the very simple thing of pissing off a wizard's sister led to his eventual demise. I can't fault it. I guess the ends will just have to justify the means in the long run on this one.

Dear readers, do your best not to piss off a wizard, I guess. Also just generally being an asshole about stuff like that isn't great. Like, even if the necromancer lich wasn't evil as hell, that was still not cool what he did to Lloyd's sister. There are definitely better ways to go about doing things. Until next time.

-Silas D.