How I Met Your Monster #33

Liza

Profile:

Liza, 30

Paladin

Likes: Justice

Dislikes: The darkness that touches our lives daily.

Bio:

Hello there! My name is Liza. I spend most of my days hunting down evil forces, but I would like to spend my nights with you. Let me know if you're interested.

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You know, I started the ad thing because I thought it would be funny and easy. Throw in a quippy thing here that has nothing to do with anything but adds a little flavor. But it's honestly probably the hardest part. Anyway, I figured I would be a little meta and fourth wall breaking with this one. I'm pretty lazy. Looking back on this project, post-writeathon editing is going to be a PAAAAIN. So much for my laziness. Anyway, how are you? How's the family? Oof. Well, here's hoping it get better.

Liza's profile pictures showed her clad in armor, a force to be reckoned with, lance in hand. Those pictures showed a stern eyed blonde with her hair braided back, ready to strike at evil at a moment's notice. Honestly, spine chilling. However, when I sat at the table at a quiet bar waiting for her to show, I almost missed her. Instead of the goliath of a paladin I was expecting, a short, petite woman in a very slinky black dress approached me.

"You Silas?"

"I am. Wait a minute, Liza?"

She smiled big, her teeth shining. I stood up to greet her properly, and she only came up to just below my collarbone. She put out a hand and I shook it. Her grip was strong, and my bones creaked, ready to break. She released the grip before doing any lasting damage, and took her seat across from me.

"I have to say, you aren't what I was expecting. Your pictures-"

She laughed, curt and loud, "Yeah, I get that a lot. It's the armor and the attitude. Makes you seem ten times bigger. The angle of the camera doesn't do such a bad job either. Anyway, I'm glad you finally got around to matching with me. I swear, I swiped right on you at the very beginning of your project."

"Must be the algorithm."

"Can't say I'm too shocked about that. Unhinged is ran by a lot of different people. I'm sure some of them are evil."

"That's a bold statement."

"Oh, Silas. I'm a bold woman. You know, I've been keeping track of your blog. I'm pretty jealous of a lot of the women you've gotten to meet."

I was starting to get a little nervous, "Oh really? And why is that?"

"Well, if I've been reading between the lines, a few of them have got to have a fun, intimate time with you once the entry has ended. I've got to say that was my hope swiping right on you so long ago."

"Oh, um. Is that what you're looking for on the app?"

She leaned back in her chair, smirking, "Absolutely. I joined the app so that I could get my rocks off with whoever was willing and able and struck my fancy. There's been some people who have risen to the occasion. And also some that have let me down. But you? A human? I've heard good things."

"Really? I would assume that humans fell short of a lot of other creatures."

"You humans should give yourself more credit. From what I here, you all have a tendency to enthusiastically try to prove yourself, which to me sounds like a good time. So many of these creatures think so highly of themselves, that it basically becomes all about them."

"Well, some humans are like that too."

"Yeah," she smirked, "but I don't think that you are. You seem like you would put it all on the line to prove that you weren't a chump."

The part of me that was nervous was slowly being taken over by the potion. The warmth of it spread across my body and I could feel my demeanor shift. I met her gaze, and something in my eyes sparked something in hers.

"So, tell me," I said, "Why bother with the app? Look at you, in armor or in that dress, you are an absolutely stunning creature. People would be falling over themselves to get to you. Our waiter only looks away when I glance at him."

She leaned across the table to get closer to me, "I mean, it's the taboo of it all, isn't it? I spend my day fighting evil, and then I get on the app, and see what that evil has to offer. If anyone asks, I can just say I only swipe on good hearted folk."

"I'm not evil though."

She leaned back, "Fair enough on that point. But I think the effort of being human might outweigh that specific hold up on my end. Usually, I only get excited to meet up with them, but something about you does it for me. Like I said, the princess, the vampire, the alien. I was jealous. Even your little gorgon friend, even though it seems like she missed an opportunity. I want some of that for myself."

It was my turn to smirk at her, "That's all well and good for me, but what about you?"

She was taken aback. It was the first time she lost control of the conversation, "Me?"

"Yeah, do you think you deserve a shot? I mean, it's like you said. Only those four had a shot out of everyone I've interviewed so far. I'm clearly picky. Do you think you can hold up to my standards?"

The confidence that was shaken from her returned in full force as she turned her head and laughed. She looked over the bar, around the room, then back on me.

"How about instead, I give you some new standards to reach for."

The potion roared, and I gave it permission to take hold. I took her hand, and we walked out of the bar and toward her place. It was a nice spacious house. She had clearly done well for herself as a paladin.

Dear readers, I must say it is wonderful to finally meet someone that matches me on my mental wavelength. I had spoken before about moving on and seizing opportunity, and this was that moment. Liza represented an ideal of herself in her daily life which fought against her in her wants, yet she still managed a way to maintain both. She exists in a state of being able to control her wants and needs that some people strive for.

I needed this night to help me move on, and as I left and made my way home, I decided to text Felsya. We had been keeping in contact, and I wanted to let her know exactly what had happened to see if she could shed any insight on it. She seemed disappointed, but understood. She made me realize that as much fun as it was, it wasn't what I wanted. The reason Vexys and I didn't work is because we were looking for two different things at the same time.

She wanted a little more normalcy and freedom. So even the smallest accident shifted that. I wanted something more concrete, something real. And trying to fight that, as fun as it was, wasn't for me. I asked Felsya if I could come over and talk. She said yes. Until next time.

-Silas D.