How I Met Your Monster #28

Carlos

Profile:

Carlos, 43

Unicorn

Likes: Women who know an opportunity when they see it

Dislikes: Societal Views

Bio:

Hey. I know what you're thinking. A unicorn. A beautiful, magical unicorn. But let me tell you, you don't even know half of what it is I can do for you. Swipe right to find out.

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Aw, man. This one was a good one. Also, just so you know, gorgons can't turn a unicorn to stone. Our powers just don't affect them. Which would be great for other people. Make things a little less awkward in the future, but nooooo. Anyway.

So, I meet this Carlos guy at this really upscale bar. I'm talking leather booths, mahogany tables. The walls were inlaid with this cool design in gold. The waiters were wearing tuxedos and everyone was dressed up really nice. I was completely out of place in my jeans and tshirt, and the looks on people's faces was clear that they absolutely agreed with that sentiment.

I spotted him pretty quick. Kind of hard to miss the sparkly horse with a horn on its head. He eyes me and nodded slightly, somehow making me feel overlooked and watched all at the same time. They had somehow made a corner booth that he was able to fit into without it being too awkward. I sat down next to him and a waiter quickly popped up next to us.

"I'll have another and the lady would like a champagne."

One, I hate champagne. Two, it's rude as hell to assume someone's drink order. But all in all, it was probably the least offensive thing this guy did."

"Enchante, Vexys. You stand out in a room full of beautiful women, being who you are rather than what is expected of you. You seem like you could use my services."

I snorted. I'm not above admitting it, "And what are your services? Horseback rides through the park?"

He laughed, though his smirk faded for a moment and the laugh came out forced, "No. You seem like you could use someone to give you the finer things in life. Someone to make sure you are comfortable and treated right. Shown what you are really worth. And I can help with that."

"And that someone is you? What, do you poop out gold?"

"Something like that. Though we would have to work on your tact a bit. But I think once you see what it is I have to offer, then you'll be more appreciative and graceful."

"Look, man. I'm just here to do my job. Have an interview with one of Unhinged's many users, go home and write it down, and go back to my own shit. Whatever you're trying to do her isn't going to work."

The waiter brought us our drinks. Mine in a champagne flute, Carlos' in a mini trough with a gold band around the top. He lapped it up, a never ending reminder that he was just a glittery horse. He sighed after he finished his drink, then turned his horn back to me.

"So, what do you think. We get out of here, I show you my room of fun, you experience the greatest experiences you have ever felt, and we draw up a contract. You be my regular plaything, and I'll buy you whatever you want. Whatever you need. I'll take care of you in every way you could possibly dream up."

"Wait, are you trying to be my sugar daddy?"

He moaned softly, "Mmm. I like the way you say daddy. Definitely keep that up."

This is where I dropped my sunglasses and tried to turn this guy into a statue, but he looked dead in my eyes and smirked again. The waiter came up to the table and when I looked up, that guy was suddenly a statue. Some wizard came over and fixed him right up.

"Sorry, Vexys," Carlos said. "Unicorns have an innocent magic. We are above being taken out by such . . . parlor tricks. Good try though. If you're not interested in being my sugar baby, then why are you even here?"

"I told you, sleazebag, I'm here doing my job. You had to sign up to be a part of this project, you know."

"Oh, I know. That's how I knew to click the box asking for you specifically. I saw your picture, and I read up on the blog, and I realized that all you truly needed was someone who wanted to take care of your every need. To show you the world from a place of privilege. That and a good ol' fashioned roll in the hay. I mean, it's clear you have a thing for this Silas guy."

"Shut up."

"But you're not doing anything about it. You keep going on these dates, and he keeps going on his. But unlike you, he's actually getting some fun out of it. And that's what you need. So, forget about him. You're not going to go above your station pining after some two bit internet journalist. Living in some shabby apartment as he checks out every kitsune that walks by. He's just another loser human, Vexys. But me? I can give you everything you can possibly dream of."

Now, I know a lot of you may think that spilling the blood of a unicorn is an unimaginable evil. That a being so pure being cut could curse you for the rest of your days. This is not true. Killing them would definitely land you in that hole, but if you shatter a champagne flute and stab them in the neck with it, you won't be cursed.

Arrested? Sure. Banned from the fanciest, uptight, entitled bar in the city? Absolutely.

But you won't be cursed. So if you've already told a unicorn to leave you the hell alone so you can do your job properly over and over, or if you've got a violent streak or anger issues, keep that handy tidbit up your sleeves. I spent my phone call on Silas, since I was technically on the clock. He swung by to bail me out.

"You stabbed a unicorn?"

"Only a little. I'm find with him living whatever lifestyle he wants to, but no means no."

Silas looked down, "Fair enough. Um, about the other night . . ."

I held up a hand, "It's not your fault. And I know it's not mine. We're just not compositable. Things like that would just keep happening, you know?"

"So you don't even want to try?"

"I do, it's just . . . I don't know. What's the use of putting in all that effort if it's just going to end the same way every time."

He sighed, "Yeah, I get it. It just felt right."

"I know."

He called an uber for me and we sat in silence until it showed up. He waved as it pulled away and I muttered to myself.

Readers, sometimes fate just plays against you. No matter how much you want something, it just won't be. So you have to either accept the facts and move on, or potentially hurt yourself or the ones you care about. See ya.

-Vexys