How I Met Your Monster #27

Rizza

Profile:

Rizza, 21

Goblin

Likes: Big meals, hanging with my friends, commitment

Dislikes: Controlling people. People who dip out

Bio:

Make sure if you swipe on me, you're actually looking for something serious. Otherwise, move along

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Eat more vegetables. Eat more fruit. Consume more healthy items on a regular basis. Why? Because your health is important to us. Because when you are healthy, we are healthy. What you eat can effect our bodies, our minds, and our systems if you are not careful. When we drink your blood and feast on your flesh, we are doing so in the hopes that you have taken basic care of yourself. Please do not risk your life with unhealthy habits. And certainly don't risk ours.

I walked along the boardwalk, where I saw her. She stood about waist high with dark green skin. She sported a mohawk that was dyed purple and wore what looked like torn of rags and a makeshift dress. She was sitting on the edge of the pier, tossing bread to ducks. I watched as she finally managed one to get close to her. Knowing what I knew about Goblins, I braced myself for the worst, but it never came. She gave it a full piece of bread, patted its head, and turned to face me.

"Hey, Silas. It's nice to meet you."

"Hi, Rizza. Just so we're clear, based on our short text exchange, you do know this is more of an interview thing than a date, right?"

She sighed, then nodded, looking up at me with perfectly round eyes. We had had some miscommunication in our messages where she thought that I wanted to full on go out with her. I told her about the project, but she assured me she could win me over if only given the chance. I had to make it very clear that this was for the project before she accepted it.

"I've just been in a lot of bad relationships, you know?" She said. "The ones who stuck around were super controlling, and the ones who didn't stick around were just plain mean."

"Are there a lot that didn't stick around?"

"It's a goblin thing, you know? We're abandoned pretty early as kids, then we kind of just mesh up with the rest of the clan. Those we date think we're just used to sudden abandonent, but it still hurts."

"I see. And the controlling ones tale advantage of your . . . want to be with someone."

"Want to b-. Oh, you mean mommy issues. Yeah, pretty much. I'm not afraid to call it what it is. Most of the other creatures out there get to know their parents. Sure, most are pretty independent when they come out, but they're still mostly around the ones who bore them. I couldn't even tell you which goblin is actually my mother."

"So it's possible she is still around?"

"Oh, she definitely is. But I live in a clan of over three thousand. I don't know who I'm related to, or if I'm related to all of them. That's why I got the app. I want to be with someone and not have to worry about inbreeding or anything like that."

"That's very fair, actually. Is inbreeding common for goblins?"

"Absolutely it is. But I'm not like that. You think being around a support system that big would be helpful, but it does nothing for the lonliness."

I cleared my throat, "So, you said you were looking for something serious. Real, true commitment. Have you got any recent hits lately?"

"Actually, I've been chatting up with one of the gods. Pretty excited for that date."

"Zeus?"

"Yeah, that's him!"

"Um, you should probably cancel that one, Rizza. He's a player."

She screamed, pulled out her phone, and spoke aloud as she deleted and blocked him from her life. Lightning streaked across the sky, and I smirked to myself.

Rizza put her phone away and looked back up at me, "So you're doing this whole thing and not looking for a partner? You sure?"

"Yeah, definitely." I felt myself blush, a reminder of a few times, "I've hooked up with a few people, but nothing too serious. And the thing I thought might be serious didn't pan out. So, I don't want to lead you on thinking this is something more."

"I appreciate that, Silas. I've had a fair share of hookups that have been fun, but they've all made me think it was something more than that." She chuckled to herself, "Hell, last time I was so mad, I cracked him over the head with his lamp and just ate his intestines out of spite. The look on his face was priceless."

"You should put that in your bio. Might scare off some of the people who are trying to push their luck."

"That's a great idea! I wish I had thought of that."

"Do you typically eat other creatures?"

"Sometimes. Usually I just go grab a burger or something. But thanks to my goblin genetics, I can pretty much process anything. And I'm constantly hungry."

"I honestly thought you were going to eat that duck."

"What? Nah, man. I love ducks. They're so sweet. I would never do that. That cotton candy over there though . . ."

We walked over to one of the vendors on the boardwalk and grabbed some cotton candy. I reminded her once again that that didn't mean anything. She sighed.

"Yeah, I know. But it's nice to be cared for even just for a second by a stranger. Almost lets me realize what I should be on the lookout for in a partner."

"I mean, that's just basic decency."

"Have you met some of these guys? They're the worst. Either hit it and quit it, or they don't want you to go outside the house. Or wear what you want to. Or eat what you want to. One ex tried to make me go on a diet. I'm a goblin! I could eat everyone in sight on this boardwalk and not crack eighty pounds! It's ridiculous."

"I truly hope you find someone worth your time and commitment."

"Me too, and thank you."

There's a lot of crap in this world we have to deal with, dear readers. The person we are with should be someone we can rely on, someone we can turn to when everything else falls completely apart. They shouldn't be another measure of the stress we go through on a daily basis. They should be our rock.

I truly hope Rizza finds who she deserves, and if you are interested in her, please mean it with an open heart, and a kind attitude. Not only for her sake, as she deserves something good, but for your own sake. Because if you catch her in the wrong mood, she will definitely split open your sternum and consume your heart while it's still beating. She's made that perfectly clear. Until next time.

Silas D.