How I Met Your Monster #14

Thief Boy

Profile:

Thief Boy, 19

Super Villain

Likes; Stealing, hiding

Dislikes: Finder Lass

Bio:

You may think your possessions are safe. You may think, “But Thief Boy, Finder Lass will find my stuff and give it back.” Well, not anymore. She may have outsmarted me time and time again, but I will foil her heroics eventually. Stand back and be amazed, Thief Boy is here to stay. (Looking for minions)

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I know what y’all are thinking. Milk is milk. Yeah, there are alternatives and all of that, but to get flavors, you need artificial syrups and stuff. Well, not anymore. My name is Don Ldrziky and I’m just a humble wizard farmer who managed to raise strawberry and chocolate cows. Yes, you read that correctly. Come on down to my farm and see them for yourself. Then head to the bard and buy yourself a gallon or two. It’s worth it. Ldrziky Farms. Between county roads 400 and 500 in West Lake.

I can’t say I’m a big fan of meeting super villains in dark alleys. All in all, it seems like a bad idea. But knowing that the worst he could do is look at me long enough to become a statue, I wasn’t too worried.

He appeared in a black and white striped pleather outfit with a domino mask on. Imagine the hamburglar without the hat. Nailed it. He was about my height and avoided looking at me until I had my sunglasses on. That was all I really needed to know.

“Ah, Vexys, long time, no see.”

“Billy. How are you?”

He shushed me. Literally shushed me, “It is not Billy anymore! Not since I got my superpowers! Now I am THIEF BOY!” When he said it, the words actually appeared over his head in all caps, like an old batman show.

“Your powers are to exclaim your name and make it appear?”

She chuckled mockingly, then threw me my wallet and house keys,

“How did you do that? You’ve been thirty feet away from me this entire time.”

“Like I said, powers. I am the ultimate pickpocket. All I need to do it see my target and I can take anything from them. Since we’re on a date, I decided to be a gentleman and give them back.”

“Right. Um, thanks, I guess. Though you did take them in the first place, which is a bit messed up. Anyway, why are you on the dating app?”

“Ah yes, the little interview. I almost forgot. Out past distracted me.”

“I kissed your cheek for rescuing my dog six years ago. Get over it.”

“How dare you? But no, I must forgive. I am on this silly dating site to keep track of Finder Lass. I see those that she sees, and I narrow down who I think she will choose. Eventually she will fall for someone and I will be able to exploit that!”

“You know that both of your powers are lame, right? At least hers is useful. Yours is just petty theft.”

“I. You. How dare you!?”

“I’m just saying man. I can turn people into stone. There are vampires with super speed and strength. There are wizards and shit. You could go be a wizard.”

“I am perfectly fine with who I am now.”

“That’s great, man. But strive for more. Anyway, so you’re just on the app to stalk someone? I think I technically have to report that.”

“Well, no. It’s just a byproduct. I wouldn’t mind meeting someone. Plus I’m always on the lookout for new minions.”

“New minions? How many old minions do you have? Is it just your little brother?”

He looked down, and I got my answer. I scoffed, “Man, don’t put Jerry through that. He deserves more than an aiding and abetting record.”

“I don’t let him do anything too dangerous or where he’ll get caught. Anyway, that’s why I need new minions! So they can be more active in the field. Get stuff done.”

“Hm, fair enough. What are you looking for in a gi-minion then?”

“Sworn allegiance and loyalty for starters. Maybe someone with blocking powers to hide the things I take from Finder Lass.”

“The obsession is unhealthy.”

“Shut up.”

It went on like this for a while. He kept telling me how he would keep stealing stuff and hiding it until he could find a buyer, but by then, Finder Lass would have already found it and returned it to his rightful owners. She had no idea who he was because she can’t track people. He saw her as a nemesis, and she didn’t even know his name.

“You know, I swiped right on you, Vexys. Did you not return the favor?”

I did not, but I couldn’t tell this dope that. He had such a pained look on his face, “No. Nuhuh. I guess the algorithm just hasn’t put you through yet.”

“When it does?”

“Uhhh . . . we’ll see how I’m feeling that day.”

He pumped his fist at his side, and I could feel my snaked rolling their eyes on the top of my head.

“Well, I should probably wrap this up. Have to type all of this up for Silas or he gets really cranky, you know.” I reach for my phone to text Silas and it’s not there.

“Seriously, Billy? My phone?”

“I told you, I am THIEF BOY!” The words pop again. “And if you want your phone back, you’ll have to agree to go on another date with me. A real one!”

I look at him as he watches me, waggling his eyebrows. I let my sunglasses drop and catch him right before he has a chance to look away. His face is stricken in fear and I admire the statue for a minute. I grab my phone from his bag on the ground and shoot a text to Silas, who relays it to Finder Lass.

She brings a wizard with her and once Billy is back to flesh, she punches him hard in the face. The cops soon arrive, and he’s taken away in handcuffs. What a lame power.

It’s a quick write up, readers, but it was a quick interview. Once again, the day is saved thanks to Finder Lass! Sorry, I kind of always wanted to say that. Silas will be back again with his inability to report on things professionally. He always critiques how I do it, but it’s not like he’s any better. See ya!

-Vexys

(Dear readers, as much as I may not seem professional in my write ups, I at least try to remain professional in the actual interviews themselves. Anything that happens off the record is my own business. That being said, I may complain, but I won’t stop Vexys from doing the things she does. I think it keeps this blog entertaining. Until next time. -Silas D.)