How I Met Your Monster #08

Amber

Profile

Amber, 128

Vampire

Likes: Midnight bike rides, classic horror movies, deep discussions

Dislikes: Garlic. I’m not allergic or anything, just makes your breath smell bad

Bio:

If you are my ex or are friends with my ex, just know that I will be swiping left on you on principle. It was an amicable breakup, and just because he changed his mind doesn’t mean that you have the right to blow my phone up on every social network I use. Thanks

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Unhinged partnered my contract up with some advertisements every now and then. Helped pay the bills, but I get it. To be fair, AirLight did give me test mattress and I’ve got to say, it’s great. Anyway, not what you’re here for.

There’s a nice place outside of my neighborhood called the Red Eye Café that is open around the clock and only closes for a few holidays. Amber asked to meet me there. I was excited because I hadn’t had a chance to go there in quite a while, and just the thought was making me hungry for their chef special. I had never noticed their blood menu before, but I can’t say I was surprised.

Amber was sitting at the bar, wearing denim jeans and a nice cardigan, carefully sipping a mug of blood through a straw. She had her blonde hair up in a messy bun with decorative chopsticks holding it in place. I wasn’t too surprised, having seen her profile picture, but minus the blood, she didn’t immediately scream vampire.

She greeted me with a kind smile and tired red eyes, which would be the next hint that she was a vampire, but there were also plenty of creatures with red eyes. She gave me a quick hug, and offered the chair next to her.

I took it, ordered the chef’s special and a coffee from the waitress, and smiled at Amber. She smiled back, and I waited for a second.

“So, Amber, how long have you been pretending to be a vampire?”

She choked, nearly spitting up what I could only assume was fake blood. She quickly wiped her mouth with a napkin.

“W-what are you talking about?” she sputtered. “I am a vampire. See, fangs!” She bared her teeth, showing off some orthodontist’s spectacular work. For those who weren’t in the know, she would very easily pass.

“Well, for one, those teeth are shaved. Two, that’s clearly just food coloring mixed with something. You also are wearing a cardigan yet you keep shivering.”

“Well, yeah. It’s cold.”

“That’s my point. Vampires don’t tend to worry about the cold. But lastly, there’s that.” I pointed to the mirror on the other side of the bar, where the two of us made contact in its reflection.

“Oh.”

“Yeah. I did a report on Vampires in the Midwest. Almost won an award. Why are you pretending?”

She sighed. I almost felt bad for her, but I’m not big into liars. “I just thought you would be more interested in meeting some badass vampire girl for your blog.”

“I know a lot of vampires. If I wanted one that desperately, I would ask a friend. I chose you because you seemed like you wanted to get your profile out there to people. I was also curious about your ex that you mentioned in your bio. So, Amber, which I’m hoping is actually your name, what are you really?”

Another sigh. I feel like I attract sighs lately, “My name is Amber. That’s what my ex named me when he created me. I’m a construct.”

I looked sideways, “A construct? Like a golem?”

“Less elemental. Also not an Artificial Intelligence. He created this body, found a soul who was willing to be placed in it, and named it Amber. I forget anything about my past life, but I remember feeling like I wanted to be alive again.”

“And your ex created you? That’s kind of painting him in a bad light.”

She smirked a tiny smirk, “He didn’t create me for that. He just wanted to see if he could. Then I started liking him. We lived together for years before we did anything romantic. And then eventually we decided that I should go out and meet other people. So here I am.”

I nodded, fixing my hair in the mirror. The special came and I took a bite. They must have gotten a newer cook since the last time I had been here.

“Well, what are you looking for then, Amber?”

She looked at me in shock, “You’re still going to interview me?”

“Of course,” I said, placing a napkin over my hardly bitten into dish, “You still qualify. What are you looking for and why are you not wanting to go back to your ex?”

She took a sip of her . . . whatever it was, “I was debating it, then he pulled the ‘I created you’ card and it pissed me off. All of his friends in that group of his are also trying to get me get back with him. I’m over it. For the record, I picked vampire because he gave me these teeth when he created me.”

“So, you’re out here just trying to finally be your own person? No shame in that at all. In fact, I might have someone who can help you a bit. If you’re willing to hang out with werewolves, that is. I know how excitable they can be.”

“Really?” she squealed, “That would be amazing. Would they be able to introduce me to people?”

I laughed, “Knowing them, you’ll be asking them to stop introducing you to people before too long.”

We laughed at this, and I sent Marie a short text asking if she would be interested in helping someone new to the are out. Before I got a message, Vexys and Marie were walking through the door. I awkwardly greeted Vexys, who was rubbing her elbow and looking toward the ground. I couldn’t see what was so interesting down there, but it must have been incredibly distracting.

Marie decided to take Amber on a quick shopping trip, telling me to keep Vexys entertained.

“So,” I said to the gorgon, “How have you been? Haven’t seen you in a while?”

“Yeah, you know. Just finding stuff to do.” She seemed almost embarrassed to talk to me. She wouldn’t look at me at all. Then I realized. The snakes. I faced forward and looked at her through the mirror. She looked up and met my gaze.

“There, that’s better. You know, you have very beautiful eyes.”

Her cheeks deepened their shade, “I’ve been reading your blog. You’ve gone on some weird dates. And at least one hook up.” She waggled her eyebrows at me.

“Yeah, I probably shouldn’t have mentioned that. Luckily, the royal family isn’t known for their online presence.”

She nodded, “So, any further thought on letting me join you on this blog?”

“Actually, yes. I have a date next week that might be more up your alley. I feel like a woman’s touch would be a lot better. If you’re interested, that is.”

“Sure, anyone I know?” She said, laughing.

“Probably. Do you know Zeus?”

The look on her face, dear readers, was priceless. So, stay tuned for Vexys write up on Zeus. And check out the brand new Z Class Deluxe King Size AirLight Twelve using promo code HIMYMON. Until next time.

-Silas D