How I Met Your Monster #06

Borzol the Annihilator

Profile:

Borzol the Annihilator, 3652

Minor Demon Lord

Likes; Fire, torture, apple pie, terrified screams

Dislikes: Double standards

Bio:

I AM BORZOL THE ANNIHILATOR. I COME TO THIS SITE TO FIND A MATE TO HELP ME RULE OVER THE FIFTH LEVEL OF THE HELLPLANES. COME JOIN ME IN MY HALLS AS WE PUNISH THOSE WHO DESERVE EVERY SECOND OF PAIN. ONLY INQUIRE IF YOU ARE OPEN TO POLYAMOROUS RELATIONSHIPS

Dear readers, it is with the utmost importance that I tell you that no matter how busy you are, no matter how many errands and responsibilities are weighing you down, it is essential to find a way to take a break for a bit. As much as I’m loving this gig, I try to take some time to stay off of my phone and computer and take a walk at a nearby park.

I was doing just that, enjoying the nice breezy day when suddenly, everything grew a lot hotter. I was sitting on a bench, eyes closed, enjoying the light wind, when I felt it. I opened my eyes and looked up to the sky, noticing that the clouds were still covering the sun the best they could. I had no idea where the heat was coming from. Then I heard a roar.

It’s hard not to when it’s coming from the swirling red portal next to you on the bench.

Sure enough, out pops a large head, maybe two feet wide and whatever the scale is tall for it to still be a normal looking head, just massive. It was quickly followed by a huge body, which was mostly naked save for a loin cloth, which I was grateful for. I’m not insecure about my junk, but I wasn’t really excited to see the comparison up close.

Before me, standing at around twelve feet tall was a large, red man. He had horns sprouting out of his head, and black eyes that were still somehow glowing. He held a trident in one hand, with small skulls decorating the shaft. I let out a low whistle.

“That’s a badass looking trident.”

“It is a pitchfork!” he roared. Nearby people fled as I sat casually.

“I’m not in the mood to argue,” I said. “You look familiar.”

He let out a low sigh, steam coming out of his mouth adding to the heat. I removed my light jacket. It was basically pointless now.

“I am Borzol the Annihilator!” He announced, arms and trident reaching for the sky, “We matched on Unhinged.”

“Oh yeah,” I replied, “How are you today? Aren’t we scheduled for next week?”

He lowered his voice, “Things have come up. I checked you calendar and saw you were free and was hoping we would be able to move it up?”

I sighed, “I could have sworn I blocked this off as a mental health slot. Are you sure we can’t do it another time?”

He nodded, “I understand your need for time to yourself, and I apologize for intruding. But if you would be so kind.”

I sat up straight, annoyed, and pat the bench down beside me, but Borzol elected to stand. Which was fair, as I’m pretty sure he would have either crashed through or burned the bench.

“This one time. But please respect my schedule in the future. I spend a lot of time putting that together. Now, tell me Borzol, why are you on Unhinged?”

He sighed. He was a very sigh-y demon, “I spend all of my time punishing those who deserve it in the fifth level of the Hellplanes. Not to be confused with the fifth circle of hell (The swamp of the styx-SD) or Stygia (The fifth level of the Nine Hells in D&D -SD). I punish those who wage violence on unsuspecting prey for control and power.”

“So, like prank youtubers?”

“They are not unheard of in my halls. Anyway, I spend all day torturing and letting terrified screams of agony sink in, which I love. Don’t get me wrong. But it would be nicer to have someone there with me to revel in it with. It is very lonely.”

“Excuse me if this is a weird question. I don’t know your lore too well. What about the demons on the other levels?”

“They are my brothers and sisters. Our father presides as the head demon.”

“Ah. Like I said.”

“Yes, you definitely called it being a weird question.”

“So, are you looking for another monster to join you? Are you open to Unhinged allowing humans on to the app?”

“Puny mortal, if a human woman can find excitement in watching torture and agonizing moans, then I do not care if she isn’t a demon. I will take her to the bowls of the thirteenth level and turn her into one so that she may live with me forever.”

“Sorry. I usually go over profiles before I meet for interviews. You want someone who will join you in hell to be with you forever? You’re looking for a long term relationship?”

“Yes, but I am willing to let her see other people as well. As I should be allowed to. It is not in a Hellplane demon’s nature to stay monogamous. One day my siblings and I’s level will split from our fathers and we will all become head of our own. And my children will form their own levels. The more levels, the stronger we will all be. And I can’t demand that many children from one mate. And it would not be fair for me to mate with others and her not be able to have a good time.”

“You are . . . very understanding on these matters, Borzol. I have to say, I am impressed.”

“It is important that relationships are equal!” He roared out into the park. All of the people had stayed clear, but a few squirrels took off away from a nearby tree. He was very loud.

“I’ll get this all typed up when I get home, Borzol. Is there anything you may want to add?”

“Only if that anyone is interested in enjoying eternal damnation with me, find me on Unhinged. If you are human and interested, I am also able to be reached on LinkedIn.”

The portal reopened and he was pulled back into it. After a few seconds, I was able to feel the breeze again. I tried to close my eyes and enjoy it, but the moment was ruined. Sighing, a habit I hope I didn’t pick up from Borzol, I got up and made my way back home to type this up.

Once again, dear readers, I implore you to take time to relax no matter how busy you may be. And if something tries to interrupt that, it is well within your right to tell that distraction that it will have to be patient. Until next time.

-Silas D.