DING

Warning, failure of all long distance forms of communication which are based on advanced technology in three hundred hours, countdown begins now. Notice simple analog radio will work at first but reception will grow progressively worse and prone to failure between three hundred hours and six hundred hours.

Warning, failure of all advanced electronic technology in three hundred hours, countdown begins now.

Warning, failure of all smokeless gun powders and other similar propellants or explosives in four hundred hours, countdown begins now.

Warning, failure of all internal combustion engines, jet engines, hell the failure of anything but some steam engines in five hundred hours, the countdown begins now.

Warning, the failure of all electrical devices in six hundred hours, the countdown begins now.

Warning, you are screwed.

I was sitting on my back porch when that screen suddenly appeared before me. I was overjoyed; the damn visual message wasn’t blue like in all those stupid stories. Blue lit screens aren’t good for your eyes everyone knows that. What was appearing before me was a nice orange screen with black letters, easy to read and no eye strain.

Hmmm, it looks like the world is fucked. I wonder when the monsters will start appearing. When messages like these typically show up in stories, monsters and player notices always appear. I bet black powder will keep working but I wonder if percussion caps will. I better start making myself a powder mill while things continue to work, the stuff will probably be sold out by the time I get to town. It’s lucky I got big supply of it here already. I can make powder so long as I can get sulphur. I ran into the house got on my computer and placed an order for four hundred pounds of sulphur with rush delivery.

I should have a day or two before other people start thinking about the chemical. The modern guns and ammunition I have already should last me until smokeless powder stops working. I got to place more orders while the internet still works. I bet only the stuff I order today will have any chance of reaching me in time. But I got so much shit stockpiled now, what more do I need? A steam engine, I need a fucking steam engine or maybe two or three. I researched steam engines and I found four companies making them. I placed an order for two of every kind that all four companies made. Most of the companies only made little engines. I ordered replacement parts too, for the things that regularly wore out according to their websites. With luck I’d get some of the twenty-four engines that I ordered.

I had another thought and I called two different office supply stores that I knew delivered and told them both that I wanted every case of paper they had in stock, four computer packages, and four high end printers with ten cases of replacement ink cartridges delivered to my home as soon as was possible. I offered to pay double and I would give the delivery person a five hundred dollar tip upon delivery.

I called three home stores in my area, I bought every piece of copper pipe, fitting, and brass valve that they would sell me. I also bought a variety of plastic pipe too. When possible I used my debit card or credit cards for all of my purchases but I did offer large cash tips for the delivery men. For every delivery from all three stores, the store manager would ride along with the driver and share in the tip.

Thankfully, I’ve got the money for all this shit; a year ago I was almost living in a cardboard box. My wife who was a CPA and handled our family finances took off with her lover after cleaning out all of our accounts while leaving me with a mountain of debt. We had a lot of loans because she had told me that it was a better strategy to keep our money in the bank and to take out a loan for any big purchases like our twin daughters’ college expenses and their weddings. I think the bitch is living in Europe now; she really set me up good.

Two years later my boss sold the company after he had been promising for years that I would one day take over for him. He split suddenly too, too cowardly to face me. I walked in to work one day to find new owners with their new management team. A month later they decided I was redundant.

My daughters covered up for their mother’s affair and might have known what she was planning. I know that they take odd vacations out of the country from time to time and I suspect that they are visiting her. I confronted my two children on many occasions asking what I did to deserve this but they would always stop talking as soon as I asked. I never cheated on my wife, yelled at her, hit her, abused our kids and I was always a good provider. Just what the fuck happened?

I had to sell the family home to pay off all of my debts but I still owed on the house so I didn’t make a dime. I had filed for divorce based on abandonment and the Judge gave me what was left and a judgment against my wife for half of what she took if I can ever find the bitch and have her served.

A year ago I was working two part time jobs to keep a roof over my head. Just for grins and giggles I bought a lottery ticket at the gas station I was working at. I didn’t check the numbers for three days, just so I could dream a little. The numbers I played were the day my wife skipped out combined with the day I was fired.

I was disappointed when I heard on the radio that someone in the next state over had won. So I checked my numbers expecting to get the sorry no winner message. Instead I got please contact the lottery commission. It turns out that for that jackpot, which had been a big one, there were three winners, and I was one of them. I asked the lottery officials to keep my name quiet and they did. If my name became public and my daughters started treating me decently again, I would never know if they did it for me or the money.

I found a piece of property a hundred miles away from my daughters. Far enough away where I didn’t see them all the time but close enough to visit if they or I wanted to. Most of the time I didn’t want to and they never came to see me.

I bought forty acres. Half of it is crap and half of it is good farm land but it’s nowhere near any other good farming land and thus with something this small not economically viable to be a commercial farm. I got plans to grow my own food but I would probably have never have done anything, because I’ve become kind of lazy of late. Now, things are changing.

My house is fifty feet by twenty four, two floors and a basement. Half the first floor is my garage. The walls are built from precast concrete; double thick with an insulating foam barrier between the two layers of concrete. The windows are top of the line and the whole house has working steel external shutters on the windows. The roof is metal.

There’s a new pole barn in back with a machine shop, tool room and some other toys. The two acres around my home and outbuildings are surrounded by a twelve foot high chain link fence with barb wire at the top. Inside the chain link is a privacy screen that I can open up in sections like a shower curtain. When you got money and everything is a simple design with nothing fancy they can build things quickly. I had my home done in five months.

Some think I don’t like people anymore after all the hardships I’ve had in my life; both recently and in the past and they’d be right. I now view myself as a professional hermit and that’s what I want to remain, the rest of the world can fuck off.

DING

Class Selection: Professional Hermit

Level: 0

A Partial and Possibly Accurate Description of the Professional Hermit Class.

A professional hermit prefers not to be around other sentient creatures, particularly those of their own species.

It is not unusual for hermits to have unique skills in magic, healing, alchemy, precognition or martial arts.

Some hermits are insanely strong or smell strongly, usually both.

It is not unusual for hermits to have pets or familiars; lice, fleas and ticks don’t count.

Servants are possible in small numbers if they don’t bother you. And they can take being yelled at. Hermits prefer that servants not belong to their own species or that they are people who have been screwed at least as badly by others as the hermit has been.

Wives or mates of any kind are not possible for the average hermit or professional hermit. But indentured or enslaved pleasure girls kept in a basement dungeon are possible and maybe even likely.

I’ll be damned if I’ll keep anyone in my basement that’s where I got all my food supplies.

DING

You have gained four hundred experience points as a professional hermit. Your next level in thirty-six hundred points.

DING

Qualifications for a Professional Hermit:

A residence far from most people.

To have been betrayed by someone close to you.

To have either the skills or materials to support your isolated lifestyle.

To have been a professional of another class at one time, and to have deliberately chosen to become a crazy antisocial recluse living far from everyone.

I better get some chickens.

DING

Plus two hundred experience points for desiring live poultry. More experience points will be granted for getting them, letting them run loose in an uncontrolled fashion or for wearing a few of their feathers in your hair or beard.

Five hundred points if you grow a beard.

Shit I better order a ton of razors. I hate growing a beard and I better not talk out loud about the piglets, I’ll be wanting to get.

DING

For desiring swine plus two hundred experience points, more points when you acquire them.

For refusing to grow a beard I can’t take off points but I really want to.

DING

You are a professional hermit.

All land that you legally own is yours to rule. Since you are a professional hermit, have food supplies for at least five years (but only enough toilet paper for two, I’d fix that Bubba, could be messy), financial resources including precious metals, have a quantity of weapons, your own water supply and live off the grid, you are now King of your tiny kingdom of one.

Land you legally own is yours and yours alone, you do not owe any entities, taxes or fees though you might have to protect that right.

As being in essence your own monarch you are granted certain skills as are all other monarchs.

DING

Skills Section:

Appraisal Skill Level: 1

Earth Magic Level: 1

Sword Beginner Level: 1 (Note: this is so monarchs when they knight someone don’t chop off important bits and pieces which can get their clothes all bloody, yuck.)

Leadership Beginner Level: 1 (You couldn’t lead a drunken Marine to a bar.)

True Sight Level: 1 (Detecting the truth or lies about you is a necessity for a monarch.)

I found that crack about leadership insulting. I have in fact on multiple occasions led several drunken Marines to various bars. I have never been a Marine (or served in the military) but for some reason I’ve always got along well with them.

DING

Leadership Beginner Level: 2 (It figures about you and Marines.)

DING

Pluses and Perks for being an asshole, I mean professional asshole, excuse me I mean professional hermit who is an asshole. It took me long enough to get that one right.

Any earth magic that you invoke is 40 percent more effective on your own land.

You have +30 percent greater chance of learning magic, healing, alchemy, or martial arts than some other newb.

You have a +20 percent chance to learn crafting skills.

You have a +20 percent chance of teaching your abilities and skills to others. Your students will always perceive you as grumpy, an additional +5 percent if you actually are grumpy.

Things you make or do will be superior to others of a similar level and experience this is so other people will seek you out and bother you.

You have a +25 percent chance that strangers will come to your door.

You have -15 percent on your Charisma. (You have charisma??)

You have +25 percent chance of being perceived as grumpy.

You have +20 percent chance of appearing unkempt or ill-groomed to others, despite how your perceive yourself. You are a slob.

Question: You can do simple math can’t you? Or are these numbers and percentages too much for you?

I wonder, if I can acquire anymore land around my own? It seems to me the county was trying to sell some off. More land will make it harder for people to get to me.

DING

For wanting more land to protect your privacy plus five hundred points. It’s not going to work but it’s a good try.

I hope you’re keeping track of all these points, because I’m sure as hell not doing it.

“Asshole Dinger!”

DING

For being grumpy plus one hundred points.

DING, DING, DING, DING!

I got my old college chemistry books which might help with alchemy. As for magic I ain’t got a clue except for possibly meditation. Healing, maybe my old biology book will help though I should order books on first aid, and anatomy. Earth magic, I should order books on geophysics and geology. Martial arts would be good too but I don’t want to go to town and see an instructor, besides that there will probably be too many people around those kinds of teachers now. I’ll just order every book and DVD on martial arts instruction that I can find.

DING

For being so stupid as not to go to town and receive proper instruction in martial arts while you have the chance, plus 500 experience points.

Plus twenty-five percent chance of learning martial arts from books, scroll or DVDs. Though it won’t be as good as seeing an instructor, you moron. You better watch those DVDs quick too because they’re not going to work for very long.

Did I mention that you are an idiot in this message, because if I didn’t I just wanted to let you know that you are one, a really big one too.

Nancy Conner was staring in horror at the blinding blue screen before her.

DING

Class: Thief

Level: 2

Types: Embezzlement, Tax Cheat, Illegal Billing Practices

Title: Adulteress Whore and Betrayer of Vincent Standish

Qualifications

You stole money from your clients and husband.

Cheated on your personal and business taxes

Billed clients for hours you never worked and sent the bills in the mail, didn’t you ever watch the movie “The Firm?”

Congratulations, due to your past success of being a general lowlife scum who left your devoted husband with a ton of debt that you had conned him into so you could you steal all the cash and run off with your long time dirt bag lover. You now have the second title of COMPLETE SCUM. This title cannot be removed and can be seen by anyone with even a low level appraisal skill (a lot of people have it already). Guess who is one of them? Though it could be worse some people have titles like PEDOPHILE or MURDERER OF fill in the blank or RAPIST OF fill in the blank.

You know while a lot of you humans are okay, there is a significant minority that are real assholes. Guess what, you’re one of them.

Steve walked into their apartment smelling of whiskey and pot as usual. “Nancy what the hell is going on? I nearly got arrested by the police outside. This gendarme took one look at me and started pulling out his cuffs. Then he sees someone else, gets really angry and runs after him. Did your ex-husband finally track us down? They can’t arrest us for that, can they?”

“Steve what titles do you have?”

“Titles, what the fuck are you talking about titles?”

DING

He’s so wasted that he didn’t care about my timely Warning and Information Notices as a result he just dismissed the BLUE SCREENS OF YOUR FUCKED INFORMATION.

Sucks to be you, I bet you really wish that you had that appraisal skill right now, don’t you?