A tribulation! I’ve had enough of these! Why do they keep on bothering me!? Isn’t passing one of them enough!? Grr…. I was enjoying my soup too! These bastardly clouds! I’ll destroy them all! Ah? No, that’s not enough. I’ll capture them and cook them! “You hear that, you dumb clouds! I’m going to eat you!” Mm? But how do I catch a cloud….

Kaboom!

Holy crap! That lightning bolt almost hit me! It’s a good thing my tail flicked me out of the way. Hmm? Has tribulation lightning ever missed me before…? I’m pretty sure it follows me around everywhere…. One time, it even turned into a ball! That’s weird. This one is—

Kaboom!

Gah! I was still thinking, damnit! But I dodged this one too! Hah! This is going to be a piece of—

Kaboom!

Ouch! That fucking hurt! It feels like a snapping turtle bit my tail! Ah? Compared to the sky-realm tribulation, this one is a little weak, no? After four lightning bolts from that one, I almost died…. But here, I got hit by one and—

Bang!

Gah! My toe! It hit my pinky toe! Did it fall off? I think it’s still there…. But I’m not going to take Puppers off to check! Oh. “Are you okay, Puppers?”

“It stung a bit.”

Mm, he’s fine. But yeah, that’s four lightning bolts already! “Is that all? That was really easy!”

“No. The immortal tribulation is nine lightning bolts for a normal person, but if you have bad karma, there’ll be eighty-one lightning bolts you have to pass. If you had good karma, there would’ve been three, but since you were hit by a fourth one….”

What!? “I’m a good person, damnit!” Wait a second. “Hey, Puppers? How come you know this and I don’t?”

“Because I pay attention?”

Hmm. That’s—

Boom!

Phew! That was close. Alright, first things first. I’ll set up a shelter. Since these lightning bolts are pretty weak, I bet they can’t go through buildings that easily. There’s this nice pagoda with twenty-seven floors. I’ll hide under this one. I think it belonged to…. Hmm. It belonged to one of the sects I robbed, but it doesn’t really matter which one, does it? It doesn’t! What matters is not getting hit by those lightning bolts. Right. This pagoda should be enough if one bolt of lightning is only a tiny bit of pain.

Kabang!

…Um. The pagoda dissolved, and the lightning hit my head! What the heck! I thought it was supposed to be weak! Maybe the pagoda was weak…? Wait a second. “Didn’t I just become super strong?” It’s not the buildings that are too flimsy. It’s not the lightning that’s too weak. I’m just really strong! “C’mon, lightning! Bring it on!” I feel invincible! And it’s not the drinks talking. Softie absorbed those out of me in a really strange manner….

Crash!

Hah! That one didn’t even tickle! How many was that? Four? Three? It doesn’t matter! No matter how many lightning bolts fall, I’ll take them all! They’re burning my clothes though…. And this was the super nice one that could transform! I’ll have to change into something else to prevent this one from breaking. It’s a good thing I robbed a lot of people; there’s a lot of spare clothes. Let’s wear this set for now.

Crack!

Okay. That one hurt a little more than the rest. It really stung my hand! What if I hide underground? Will the tribulation still follow me? Puppers said there were only supposed to be nine lightning bolts during an immortal ascension. I think that was close to nine, right? I just have to survive one more and I’ll pass! I’ll become an immortal! Will I become stronger though? It doesn’t feel like I will…. I’m pretty sure I didn’t get stronger when I passed my sky-realm tribulation.

Crash!

Hah! I blocked it with my hammer! It was easy to block since I knew it was coming. Now that the tribulation is over, I should be an immortal now, right? Hmm, I think Ilya said something about different planes, but I’m still on the same one. Does that mean—

Kaboom!

What the heck! “You said there would be nine of them, Puppers!”

“I said there’d be eighty-one for bad people.”

Eh? “But I’m a good person!”

Bang!

“The heavens disagree.”

“Shut up, Puppers!” Okay. That one hurt a little more. Does each lightning bolt get stronger over time? That doesn’t make any sense! “Hey! You dumb heavens! When you shoot, there’s supposed to be less with each shot!” Mm? Wait. Did it stop? There should be a lightning bolt falling down right about now…. At least, I think there should be. That’s how it worked before. Any second…? Hmm. The sky’s still pretty dark, but it seems like lightning is rushing towards the center from the outskirts. Is it gathering up before coming down? I’m … going to hide underneath the treasury! My tail’s telling me the heavens are up to no good! “I didn’t break any contract! Why are you trying to kill me!?”

…

Ah. That one was so loud that I couldn’t hear anything. I teleported underneath the ground, but I can see the sky again! The treasury’s gone! Those treasures were mine, damnit! You stupid heavens! I’m definitely going to eat you! Hmph, hmph. I’ll fly up there and catch those clouds with this giant wok! If I get hit by one of those big lightning bolts, it seems like it’ll hurt a lot though…. What if I protect myself with this wok? No! If the wok breaks, that’ll be so sad. And my soup’s still inside! Do I have anything else to capture the clouds with? How about—

Crash!

Holy crap! My arm! It fell off! That fucking hurts! The lightning bolt hit my shoulder, and my arm fell off! The…, the turtle! I couldn’t break the turtle shell even after boiling it! I don’t believe the heavens can either! I’ll dig a hole in the ground and cover the top of it with the turtle. Whew. I should be safe now. Oh? My arm grew back! I didn’t even notice. That was quick. Mm, it must be because I’m turning into a phoenix or something like Mrs. Feathers said. I remember Mr. Feathers’ wings grew back so fast when I was cutting them off to eat. Ah, Mr. Feathers, if only he were still alive. He would’ve got along with Mrs. Feathers so well.

Hmm? What is this? Turtle meat juices? The lightning’s breaking the shell above me! …Ooh, it tastes pretty good. Wait! Now’s not the time for that!