Durandal lied. There wasn’t any food at the competition. Why don’t they sell food at the competition? That’s such a waste! With all the people gathered there, they’d make so much money selling food, something that all people need to eat. Sheesh, and people call me stupid. Everyone needs to eat—except cultivators since they live off grains of rice—and everyone at the competition is … a cultivator…. Oh. …Am I stupid? Ahem. Anyways, Durandal went off to watch the competition. And I went to a nearby tavern! I smelled acorns here.

“Welcome!”

This place is empty. Mm. Makes sense since there’s supposed to be a lot of people at the competition. What was it for again? Entering a sect? Eh, not that important. Why do people make such a big deal out of it? Wait, aren’t I a sect leader? Do I have to do things like recruiting people…? I was going to leave all the tedious stuff to Ilya, but … gah! “Barkeep! Give me your strongest drink!”

“But it’s nine in the morning.”

“…So?” Drinking away Ilya from my mind can be done at any time! It’s not my fault she’s pestering me and ruining my mood this early in the morning. Hmph. “Strongest drink and second-strongest drink and third-strongest drink! I want every bottle, barrel, and container you have of each.”

“Are you alone…? I don’t feel comfortable serving a young girl that much alcohol especially if she’s all by herself.” The barkeep’s looking at me as if I’m a lost child! “Dragonhead City might be a safe city, but there are millions of people living here. There’s bound to be a few scoundrels who’ll take advantage of you in your drunken state.”

This, this barkeep, why’s he so responsible!? I just want to wash away my anger! Mm? That’s not usually done with alcohol? That’s right … I should be punching and hitting things instead…. But Ilya always suggested I try a non-violent method to release my anger. Maybe if I listened to her earlier, she wouldn’t have abandoned me. That’s why, I’ll change my ways and drink away my anger instead! Ah? I’ll become a violent angry drunk? Nonsense! Drinking brings out one’s inner self, and my inner self is practically an angel. Mm, it’s a blob of darkness in the shape of a squirrel, which practically makes it an angel, okay?

“Excuse me, Miss?”

“Ah?” Oh, right! “I’m not alone! Mrs. Feathers, come out!” I keep her in one of the bags that can hold living things. She’s so bright and pretty, and she’ll take me out of the spotlight! And that’s unacceptable, but since no one’s here, it won’t matter if she shows her face. “Look!”

“…A rainbow chicken?”

“…Boss, can I incinerate him?” Mrs. Feathers looked at me. Too bad I can’t read bird faces. In fact, I can’t read at all! Ah, I might have to learn now that Ilya’s not here. Actually….

“Do you know how to read?”

“If I do, can I incinerate him?”

“Wait, why…, oh. Never mind. You can set him on fire if he refuses to serve me drinks! But do you know how to read?”

“I do. Only an idiot doesn’t know—ow! Why’d you hit me, Boss!?”

“My hand slipped.” Oops. “Anyways, Barkeep, booze!”

The barkeep stared at Mrs. Feathers for a long time. I was almost tempted to hit him, but I stopped myself because I’m not a violent person like Ilya says I am. Then, the barkeep took out all kinds of drinks from who knows where—interspacial ring, maybe?—and mixed it up into a barrel before placing it in front of me. “There’s a tap on the bottom.” He grabbed a cup and opened the tap; some pungent-smelling liquid flowed out. It had a faint smell of acorns. Perfect! “How is it?”

It tastes like shit, but that’s perfect to wash away the bitterness of Ilya ditching me. “It’s good enough!”

The barkeep made a strange face before picking up a cloth to wipe down the countertop. “Why don’t you tell me some of your troubles.” Was he staring at Mrs. Feathers? “Someone like you is bound to have an amazing story to tell.”

“My stories are personal!” It’s too embarrassing to say. Who needs Ilya anyways!? I don’t care about her, not one bit! Hmph!

The barkeep nodded. “Then how about I tell you my story instead? They say misery loves company.”

“Who says I’m miserable!?” I’m not miserable; I’m just mad. “But I want to hear your story because it’ll probably make me feel better if you’re in a worse spot.” Mm. Who doesn’t love a little bit of drama? But only when listening to it.

The barkeep’s face darkened. He shook his head and sighed. “You see, I might not look like it, but I’m the young master of the Long family, Long Chen. I—”

“Long family?”

“The Long family is one of the two great families of Dragonhead City. The other—”

“Dragonhead City?”

The barkeep exhaled. “…It’s the city we’re in.”

“Oh.” I knew that. I was just testing him.

“Ahem. Anyway, I’m the young master of the Long family; my father is the patriarch. Eight years ago, I was hailed as a genius, my cultivation was the fastest amongst my peers, and I broke several cultivation records within the family. However, something happened six years ago, and my cultivation stagnated. I—”

“What happened six years ago?”

“Do you always interrupt people’s stories?”

“Uh…, I’m not sure. Maybe.” I don’t think I do. “Anyways, what happened six years ago?”

“I—”

“Wait a minute. How old are you?”

“…I’m sixteen. Can I continue now?”

Mhm. “Yep, carry on.”

“When I was ten, I—”

“Wait, wait, wait! You were going to tell me what happened six years ago! Why are you talking about when you were ten all of a sudden?”

“…”

Mm? Did he break? “Hello?”

“Do you want to hear my story or not?”

“I’m trying, but your story’s too complicated!”

“Damn you! My story hasn’t even started yet!”

Volume 3 Chapter 5 – Braindead Squirrel (4)

“What do you mean it hasn’t started yet? Weren’t you telling it to me!?” Why is he yelling? I don’t like yelling. “If you weren’t telling me your story, then what was all that before? Lies?”

The barkeep exhaled. “Okay. What’s sixteen minus six?”

Uh…. “Mrs. Feathers, let me borrow your…, wait. You don’t have any.” Gah, why’s the barkeep quizzing me all of a sudden? “Barkeep! Let me use your fingers. Hold them all up and stay like that.” Okay, now I’ll hold up mine until I reach sixteen. Eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen. “And now I subtract six….” Fifteen, Fourteen, thirteen…. Uh…. “Mrs. Feathers. How many fingers did I put down just now?”

“Three.”

I knew that. Twelve, eleven, ten! “Ten! Sixteen minus six is ten!”

The barkeep stared at me with a blank expression. Then he smiled brightly. “Wow! Good job! That was amazing.” He grabbed my empty cup and refilled it with the stuff inside the barrel. “Do you want this big brother to continue telling his story? It’ll be very exciting, but you can’t interrupt, okay?”

Is it just me, or is he treating me like I’m special…? It must be because I am special! “Yes, tell the story! I want to hear why you’re miserable.”

“Okay, I’ll start again.” The barkeep smiled at me. “Once upon a time, there was a man named Long Chen. He was born into a very rich and powerful family. His father was the leader of the family, and everyone treated Long Chen well. Once Long Chen turned four, he, and all the other children of his family, took a test. Long Chen got the highest grades, and everyone looked up to him! For six years, Long Chen was treated extremely well by his family. He was given the best food, the best drinks, and the best room inside of the mansion. But then one day….”

What happened next? Why’d he stop? “What happened?”

The barkeep hunched down, and his face turned dark from the shadows. “Something terrible happened. Long Chen was poisoned!”

“Poisoned!? Which bastard poisoned Long Chen!? I’ll kill him! Wait, no, killing is bad. I’ll…, I’ll…, I’ll cut his penis off!” That’s right! Anyone who poisons someone else is a no-good, dirty, stinking bastard! Just look at Snow, hmph, hmph.

“C-cut his penis off?” The barkeep’s face paled. “A girl like you shouldn’t say things like that!”

Mrs. Feathers coughed. “A girl like her is drinking alcohol at nine in the morning.”

“Don’t judge me! I’m washing away my sorrow! No, not sorrow; I’m not sad. I’m washing away my anger!” Blech. This alcohol really does taste disgusting. And I’m not sure it’s working. Mm, I must not be drinking enough of it. “Carry on with the story! It was getting to a good part!”

The barkeep looked at Mrs. Feathers. Then he looked back at me. What? Was there something on my face? “Ahem, anyway. Long Chen was poisoned! His strength fell, and during the next family test, he got the lowest scores. At first, people thought it was a fluke; Long Chen must not have been feeling well that day. But then another month passed by, and the children of the family took another test. Once again, Long Chen was at the bottom! That’s when people realized, Long Chen was no longer the best child. The best food he was given, they were taken away! The best drinks he was given, those were taken away too! And the best room inside of the mansion…, it was given to Long Chen’s cousin! Long Chen was kicked out of his room and forced to live in a shed.”

“A shed!? He’s the worst child, but he still gets a whole shed to himself!?” What the hell! “When I was in the army, I wasn’t even given a ceiling! I slept outside and covered myself with dirt to stay warm! This Long Chen is such a spoiled bastard, hmph.” Ah? Why’s the barkeep sweating? “Ahem. Carry on with the story.”

“L-Long Chen lost all the benefits of being the best child. No one even looked at him anymore, except for his father. He tried his best, but no matter what he did, he always ended up last in the tests. Alas, one day, even his father gave up on him and expelled him from the clan. But Long Chen’s father wasn’t heartless. He bought a tavern for his son to live in and make money off of. Even when the tavern wasn’t making any money, Long Chen’s father would secretly send people to the tavern to spend lots of money, keeping the tavern afloat.”

“As I thought, this Long Chen is a spoiled bastard!” Why are Mrs. Feathers and the barkeep staring at me with such strange expressions? Maybe I made a funny face when I finished drinking this third cup. Anyways…. “Barkeep! Continue!”

“For six years, Long Chen hasn’t made any progress, living in the tavern, serving unreasonable people and their rainbow pet birds. His father still supports him despite his best efforts to find a way to make money himself. Long Chen was a promising alchemist, but something happened, and the prices of herbs rose up while the prices of pills dropped down, making it impossible for Long Chen to make any money out of it. While Long Chen continues to stagnate, the people around him continue to move ahead, leaving Long Chen behind. The cousin that took his room became a saint-realm expert, and Long Chen’s fiancée, an unparalleled beauty in all of Dragonhead City, was discovered to have legendary yin-type meridians. She—”

“Wait! Fiancée!? Where the heck did she come from all of a sudden!?”

“Before Long Chen was even born, his grandfather made a promise with his sworn brother, that if their descendants were of opposite genders and in the same generation, they were to be married.”

“…Spoiled bastard. But isn’t that terrible for Long Chen’s fiancée? She’s amazing, and he’s useless! Why are the two still together?” Eh? Did I just plant a heart devil somewhere? That’s weird. Mm, it must’ve been the alcohol making my stomach feel funny.

“Boss…, I’m just making sure…, but you know he’s Long Chen, right?” Mrs. Feathers asked and pointed at the barkeep.

Huh? “Wait. Really? This barkeep’s the spoiled bastard?” Mm? The heart devil grew? “Oh…. Uh, oops.” Well, since he can’t cultivate, the heart devil shouldn’t matter, right? Mm. And no harm was done. Perfect!