“Oh god, sweet caffeinated bliss.” I moaned into my coffee mug. There are some things that you just don’t realize you are missing until you can’t have them for a week because lizard people living underground can’t grow anything close. I spent at least a half hour relaxing on my sofa, savoring the aroma as the liquid warmed me from the inside. Eventually I sent off an email to Emily.

Emily,

Finally logged out after a week in the game. While I didn’t really feel any discomfort during the game, there are a few issues that people should be warned about, especially those who drastically change their physiology. I kept my same height, so I have no issues with walking around. Since the kobold snout protrudes a small bit, I am having issues with eating and drinking. I’m sure it will be finished within a few days, but I will keep an eye on it. I also noticed that I keep trying to pick up hot objects with claws that I no longer have, and have burnt my fingertips a few times.

I haven’t noticed anything with altered senses, although the only one that I would have that isn’t human is darkvision. Since my digital apartment is well lit, I haven’t had the urge to try and activate it. Let me know if there is anything else you want me to look out for.

Thanks,

Marty

Hmmm, I wonder what the others are up to?

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

I walked in to Café Oblivion and was sad to see I was the first to arrive. Hoping the others wouldn’t be too far behind, I figured I could indulge in a little craving and ordered a soda and the taco party platter. Thirty tacos, pared down to what I considered the essentials. Meat, cheese, shell, and hot sauce.

“Hey, look who got here early for a change!” Jon yelled as the others arrived when I was almost a third of the way through my feast. “Oh damn, is that a pile of tacos? Please tell me you are sharing with the rest of us?”

“No way, my tacos.” I said, wrapping an arm protectively around my pile. “Besides, they instantly make it for you. Get your own party platter.”

“Fine.” Jon grumped, but still had a smile on her face.

“Boys and their competitions” Phoebe muttered. “Well Derrick? Are you going to be joining the foolery?”

“Absolutely not. I’m ordering 72 ounces of ribeye steak on the bone, medium rare. Before you ask, I shan’t be needing silverware.” He said the last bit while smiling and turning up his nose. “So after we feast, is a party in order JohnnyBGood?”

Jon looked a bit embarrassed. “What? I’ve always used that.”

“It’s fine Jon, we should all probably tell each other our game names. I’m sure we will all be making a few global announcements, you just happened to gain the first. I’m Angus MacG.”

“Illyora” Phoebe said.

“Rock’mSock’m” Derrick muttered.

“Seriously?” Phoebe asked with a smirk on her face.

“Yeah. It sounded better in my head. At least I didn’t try and use the catch phrase.”

“Oh hoh hoh? What would your catch phrase have been?”

“It’s clobberin’ time.” Derrick said while we all laughed. “What? Our characters look pretty similar, except no troll in their right mind would ever choose to be orange.”

“Ain’t that the truth” I said when I got a hold of my laughter long enough to breathe.

“Nothing wrong with having a hero growing up.” Jon said. “At least you picked a competent hero.”

“Thanks Jon. Shamelessly changing the subject here, but what did your little goblin manage to evolve into?”

“Well, before that I have to apologize to Phoebe and send you guys a video of one of the trials I went through.”

“Apologize for what?” She said while narrowing her eyes.

“Heh, well it’s like this. There were a few trials with weapons that I had to take before I evolved. One of those was a legendary staff.” At the mention of a staff, Phoebe’s face went from glaring to coveting.

“What kind of trial, Jon?”

“I got to live out the last bits of the life of some figures.”

“Jon, you know I’ve done a lot of research into the game lore. Tell me you remember the name of the guy who owned the staff. The only way you could get back into my good graces if you forget is if you actually have the staff in your inventory somewhere and are going to give it to me.”

“Well, I can’t give it to you. It wouldn’t let me keep any of the weapons. But I think the guy was named Ghoul Vest, or something like that.”

Phoebe muttered the name a few times to herself before freezing. “Jon” she said deliberately slowly. “Are you telling us that you got to play around with the staff of the drow elementalist Gul’veth?”

“That’s it! That’s the guy! Gul’veth. What was he famous for?”

“He burned one of the ancient elven forests so thoroughly he created the Duskaven Desert. Do you have any idea how much mana it takes to burn an ancient elven forest that has been steeped in magic for centuries Jon? Please tell me how to get there!”

“I can’t Phoebe, I’m sorry. It’s a weird location that most likely moved away.” While Phoebe looked crestfallen, we all convinced her to at least watch the video, and what a video it was. One of the best points was when Jon unleashed the highest combination tier spell I had ever seen. [Maelstrom] created a small pillar of safety in the middle of a raging storm of elemental fury. The winds were driving particles so quickly that orichalcum golems were visibly eroded. Blasts of lightning left smoking craters of glass, while shards of ice ripped anything flesh to shreds. Everyone was frozen, watching the devastation play out as wave after wave of foes fell to Jon’s maniacal cackling.

“I’m sorry Jon. That was an amazing battle.”

“I know Phoebe, I know. Hey, at least you know what kind of magic is out there, right?”

“Yeah, but I’m not even playing a mage this time. Only gnoll shamans get the magic.”

“Well, enough moping around. Let’s have a celebration!” I tried to get the party back on the right spot.

“Good idea Marty. Everyone get a drink ready, let’s have a toast.” Derrick cheered. A few button pushes from each of us and we all had our favorite beverage in front of us. “So, before we do this we gotta ask, what are you now instead of a goblin?”

“Bugbear witch doctor.” Jon replied.

“To Jon! First of us to evolve, but definitely not the last. To the Bugbear witch doctor!” With Derrick’s last words, we all clinked glasses together and took a deep drink.

I slammed my drink back down onto the counter a little harder than I anticipated, sloshing it all over my tacos. Blinking repeatedly, I noticed Derrick had done the same, while Jon and Phoebe took extra care in setting down their wine glasses. My body felt almost detached, I knew it was there but it just wasn’t important. “’S everyone feelings” I paused to blink a few times “Zat?” Looking around, everyone seemed off. How the heck did we all get wasted on a gulp or two of alcohol? I tried to pull up my email screen, but ended up flipping back in my chair and slamming into the ground.

“Ouchkabibbles.” I said as everyone giggled a bit. “Floor comfy” I said, mind floating a few inches above my body. “Whazz’ I up to?”

Emily,

Eeeeeeemily. Heh. Somthins wrong. Nine one one for the money!

Mmmmarty

“Send!” I managed to push the button.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Emily POV

Emily was just finishing up the last bit of work before heading home when her inbox pinged. “Damnit, this better be important.” She muttered to herself, as she was planning to head home for some relaxation before going out dancing. All her plans were instantly dropped when she saw Marty’s message. “What the fuck is going on?” She wondered as the locator was showing him at Café Oblivion. She grabbed her unwieldy headset and headed into the café.

“Marty, what the hell is up with that message?” She demanded as she materialized right next to the group’s table. It took a noticeable delay, but the three people still seated at the table flinched at her words.

“Eeeeeemily. You gots a nice butts from down here Eeeeeemily.” Marty slurred as he couldn’t help but see up her skirt. His head immediately lolled to the side and he kept going, “Oooooh, nice leggies too!”

Emily looked down to see Marty trying to lift his hand and rub her legs, but she scampered back as his hand flopped on the ground nowhere near it’s intended target. “What the hell is going on with you guys?” She asked before noticing that everyone had a drink in front of them. Her eyes widened in shock.

“Leggies go byes.” Marty slurred.

“Damnit, this is just what I need.” Emily swore as her fingers flew over a digital keyboard. A ringing sound was heard before someone picked up.

“Emergency medical, what’s the problem?”

“I have four people displaying worrying symptoms, I believe it stems from the new alcohol patch in the digital café. Emergency code purple protocols for Jon Tipper, Phoebe Tipper, Derrick Mason, and Martin Shellby.”

“Emergency code authorization please.”

“TK-421”

“Code authorized and executed. All patients will have two doctors and a crash team in their rooms within one minute. Is there anything else we need to know about?”

“Yes. I will most likely have to do an active data purge to bring them out of this. Please stay patched in to this call as I conference in others so that you may relay to the medical teams.”

“Roger that.”

Emily hurriedly called down to the server room, and they answered on the third ring. “Server room, Bill speaking.”

“Bill, I have a code purple emergency. Are there at least two others in the room with you?”

“Yes ma’am.”

“Excellent, conference them in to the call please.”

“This is Ted in the server room, conferenced in.”

“Mary in the server room, conferenced in.”

“This is Emily, I have initiated a code purple with four individuals. Emergency code authorization TK-421. Please acknowledge code.”

“Code acknowledged” came a chorus of replies.

“Excellent. For the record, this entire call is being recorded. Technicians, you should all have a USB drive in your desk sealed in break-away plastic. I need you all to break that plastic open and copy down the active code for the alcohol properties in Café Oblivion. Please confirm when you have all finished downloading.”

Fifteen minutes later the technicians all responded that they had downloaded the proper data. “Excellent. Bill, I need you to do an active data purge on all systems of the data you just downloaded. When you are ready give a five second countdown.”

As Bill was doing his job, Emily temporarily muted her headset. “I’m sorry guys, this is going to hurt like Hell, but it’s for your own good.” Then she unmuted her headset.

“Data queued, confirm that you want an active data purge on all systems for alcohol properties in Café Oblivion.”

“Request confirmed, proceed with active purge.”

“Roger that. Activating purge in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, purge.” At his last word, the entire group grabbed the sides of their heads in agony as they curled up in the fetal position. The pain was so great that none of them could even make a sound.

“Thank you Bill. Before we go any further, besides you three are there any others in the server room?”

“Just one, Stephanie is in here with us.” Bill replied. “Scratch that Emily, I have five security guys entering the server room.”

“Roger that Bill.” Emily said with a relieved sigh. “Ok, technicians. I need you to place that USB you used into a manila envelope and seal it. You are to label it in permanent marker with the following code: Papa, Oscar, Whiskey, Dash, Whiskey, Oscar, Whiskey. Please read that back.”

“Bill speaking. Envelope sealed, label Papa, Oscar, Whiskey, Dash, Whiskey, Oscar, Whiskey. POW-WOW.”

“Mary speaking. Envelope sealed, label Papa, Oscar, Whiskey, Dash, Whiskey, Oscar, Whiskey. POW-WOW.”

“Ted speaking. Envelope sealed, label Papa, Oscar, Whiskey, Dash, Whiskey, Oscar, Whiskey. POW-WOW.”

“Confirmed. Bill, you are to take your envelope and deliver it to Priscilla Dawson, Head of HR. She has been informed of your arrival. Remember to double check her identification, and that envelope is for her hands only. Mary, you are to take your envelope and deliver it to Jonathan McCoy, Head of Legal. He has been informed of your arrival, and your envelope is for his hands only. Ted, you are to give your envelope to Michael Montgomery, head of Game Management. Same instructions. Clear?”

“Roger.” Chorused into her ears one more time.

“Excellent. That concludes this conference call.” Emily said while hanging up. She looked down on the four testers, who by this point had all fallen onto the floor. With pity in her eyes, she put in a few more calls for some people to help the gamers back to their apartments.

“What happened to Uncle Jon?” A small voice asked.

Turning, Emily saw a little girl with a head full of curls. “I’m sorry sweetie.” She said while dropping to a knee to be at the same height. “Uncle Jon and his friends had something go wrong. In order to fix it, we had to do something that would hurt him, but he will be fine.” As she talked, the girl started to get tears in her eyes.

“Wha, What about story time though?” She asked with a sniff.

“What story time?”

“Every day at f-four Uncle Jon comes and r-reads us a story. If Uncle Jon is hurt, w-who will read us a s-s-story t-t-ta-tomorrow?” Anyone could tell that she was seconds away from an epic meltdown.

“It’s ok sweetie, I will find someone to read you a story tomorrow. Where do you usually meet Uncle Jon?”

“Over by the l-lake” she said.

“Well, tell your friends that Uncle Jon won’t be reading, but story time will still be on, ok?”

“Okay.”

After getting the little girl squared away, Emily made a few calls before heading over to Marty’s apartment.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Marty’s POV

“Uhhhhnnn” I moaned, trying to curl farther into the fetal position. I was going to murder whoever drove the icepick into my forehead, and the two little bastards who were branding the back of my eyeballs were going to be slow roasted over an open flame as I poked them with a sharpened stick.

“You okay there Marty?” A feminine voice asked.

“Hnnnnnggg.” I replied with a whimper.

“Sorry you’re going through this, it’s a side effect of purging the drinking code.”

“Please, never mention drinking again.” I replied, struggling to unwind myself. Still shaking with exertion, I managed to look around to find Emily staring down on me as I laid in my bed. “How did I get to my apartment?”

“We figured you would have a bit of amnesia. So what is the last thing you remember?”

“A toast. Jon evolved, but that’s it. Ow!” I cried involuntarily, as a sharp spike of pain shot through my skull.

“Easy there, easy. I’ll fill you in, you remember a bit more than the others. So after the toast, you all took a drink. As far as we know, the code for alcohol response was entered incorrectly. Instead of gradually building up a response depending on how much you drink how fast, it immediately went to nearly blackout drunk status.”

“That kinda sounds like a monumental fuck up.”

“It is. We already have code for drinking effects in the game, it should be a simple copy and paste with a few double checks. Rest assured, we are treating this seriously. Someone, most likely several someones are going to lose their jobs for this. We also have several doctors on hand for the next few days. No less than two will be on hand for all of your pods for the next week, monitoring all your vitals.”

“Thanks. Are the others okay?”

“As well as okay can be. You all have terrible headaches. The doctors are all recommending to avoid the game for at least a day. Other than that, nothing strenuous and no drinking alcohol. Any other questions?”

“No, thanks though Emily. I’m sure the others also appreciate your timely reaction.” With a smile and a nod, she turned and left. I simply turned back toward my pillows and went to sleep, hoping that the headache would quit by the time I woke back up.