HIM – QUAINT(?) DRIVE

Tyson tapped his fingers against the wheel, waiting for the red light to turn green. Sitting beside him was Aya, dressed in a beautiful, black night dress. She parted her hair above her left brow, letting it fall back over her ear and down her back. She had also put slight blush on her cheeks and faint red lipstick. Tyson wore a simple tux without a tie, and had even gelled his hair for the occasion. As the light turned green, he let the clutch go and pushed the gas pedal, moving forward.

“I seriously need to get a license,” Aya said, sighing. “You drive like an old grandma.”

“Hey, do you want to arrive quickly or alive?” Tyson bantered back.

“Both?”

“It’s either or.”

“Neither then.” Aya said.

“Oh, grim tales time? Count me in.” Tyson said. “Hmm… let’s see. Once upon a time, there was a small, wooden shack in the middle of the woods. In a shack lived an old grandma with her cute little granddaughter. They lived their days in happy simplicity, from morning until deep midnight. One day, while grandma was baking cookies, the little girl heard a knock on her door. As innocent as she was, she quickly walked over and opened the doors. On the other side stood a two-meter-tall man dressed in full black, his face as white as snow, each tooth sharpened like a spike. He smiled, startling the little girl who tried to close the door. However, the man brushed it open and entered. The girl stumbled backward and called out for her grandma! Her grandma rushed in! Boom! The old lady crashed into the huge dude, falling over, breaking her hip, crushing her skull against the floor upon which one of her eyes busted out of its socket! The girl screamed out! Damn-screamed the huge man! The grandma suddenly got up! A twist! She’s a werewolf!”

“WHAT THE FUCK?!” Aya interrupted him. “What the fuck?!” she repeated again.

“Hey! Like you can come up with anything better!” Tyson talked back.

“My ass could come up with something better by randomly shitting out huge piles and arranging them into letters!”

“… that’s just disgusting.”

“Yup. I don’t even know why I said that. Aah…” she sighed softly. “Hmm… my turn?”

“Fire ahead. Let’s see if you can top my ‘grandma’s a werewolf!’ twist.”

“… ugh,” Aya grunted lightly before falling into short thought. Her eyes glimmered for a moment as she begun. “Once upon a time, long before trees were green and sex was common—“

“—that was literally the most random start to a grim tale I’ve ever heard. Go on.”

“—khm, long before all the good stuff, there was a Knight! And there was a Princess! The two often found themselves longingly staring at each other’s eyes, but could never quite figure out why! One day, an evil Dragon emerged from nowhere, and captured the Princess! Why?! Bellowed the Knight! To arms! Charge! Alas, Princess was a complete bitch to everyone but him, so he was stuck alone! But, he fretted not! Charge! Alone! With his mighty horse, he galloped over the hills and snowy fields and fiery chasms—“

“—that’s one hell of a diverse world. Is it an RPG?”

“—and whore houses—“

“Hey!! Wasn’t sex undiscovered?!”

“—and even more whorehouses! Alas, the Knight crossed and entered the Dragon’s domain!” Aya continued passionately, ignoring Tyson’s comments. “All was ablaze in black, sky darkened grey and stench as strong as one in the bathroom when a young man by the name of Ty takes a shit!”

“…”

“Knight did not despair! While his mighty horse gave into the fumes and collapsed, bellowing the final words to his master ‘You… bastard! I’ll… kill you!..’” Damn, a talking horse! She’s really better than me at these! “Knight closed his mighty horse’s eyes and charged on his own two feet! He reached the castle! Boom! The doors collapsed under the might of his fist! Onward! Kill! Slaughter! He finally arrived before the mighty Dragon! Beneath him, his beautiful, virgin Princess lied stark naked, her legs spread wider than two shores on the ocean’s sides! Boom! Bellowed the mighty Knight in his rue! He reached for his back to take out his mighty, trusty sword ‘Dragon Slayer’, and slay the mighty beast and reclaim his Princess! Gasp! The Dragon laughed! The Princess suddenly died of embarrassment! The damn bastard forgot his sword!”

“…”

“I know you want to laugh.” Aya teased, smiling lightly.

“If I laugh I lose… pft…”

“You lost the day you met me, big man.”

“I am big, aren’t I?” Tyson snickered.

“Eh.”

“Oi!”

“Wow!”

“Better,” Tyson said. “Ah, fucking red lights,” he grunted as he was stopped yet again. “I hate this fucking city. Who the hell invented red light? Just give us free, open roads and let us have fun!”

“… you’re doing this on purpose, right? The last time we drove on the highway, the highest you would go was 140, and even then you nearly pissed your pants.”

“It’s in triple digits woman, what more do you want?!” Tyson asked.

“… I’m going to ask mom to loan us some money,” Aya suddenly said, sighing lightly. “So, when I say it, you better grovel as though you’re in an anime!”

“I could ask my dad,” Tyson said. “He’s so guilt ridden he’d probably just give it to us rather than loan.”

“… aah, if poor man could only hear you…”

“I literally just quoted him.”

“Oh.” Aya said. “Meh, we can ask him next time.”

“Next time? So you literally have no plans for us to stand on our own two—four feet?”

“Not at least for a year,” Aya said. “Good thing mom promised she’d pay for all my studies if I clean them up on time. You?”

“Same.”

“We should probably first get the Masters,” Aya said. “You already have a job, so they’ll keep you. I can suck a dick or two to get hired.”

“…”

“Think of the future Ty, the future.”

“Khm…”

“Oh no…”

“I’d rather share a stinky bowl of rice with the virtuous you, than a castle of gold with a whore!”

“Goddammit! You know I’m weak with that shit!” Aya exclaimed. He he, I’ve already figured out all your weaknesses, damn woman!

“We shouldn’t strain your mom too much,” Tyson said. “My mom and dad should be fine. The rest of their children have long since grown up, so they can afford me fucking around for a little while longer.”

“Do you have any plans on how to cover our heating bills for the winter?” Aya asked.

“Nope.”

“Then shut up.”

“Aye, aye Madam!”

“Nice one, uncle!” Aya exclaimed.

“Oi!”

“Aah, I haven’t even visited her in three months, and here I am, barging in to ask for money. She’s gonna rile on me for at least an hour.” Aya said.

“Rile on us. Us. I’m gonna be right there babe.”

“…”

“Yeah, that one didn’t fall right. Crossing it out.” Tyson said, smiling lightly.

“The city’s really beautiful at night.” Aya said as she stared at the slightly decorated and lined up street at her side. Although it was only early November, holiday spirit has begun to invade everyday lives. “Hey, remember our first date?”

“Aye. It was also at night,” Tyson said, smiling nostalgically. “God, that feels so long ago, and it hasn’t even been a year.”

“Pft…” Aya suddenly burst out in laughter.

“What?”

“Ha ha, nothing, I just remembered the bench in the park, ha ha ha… and the, khm, ‘incident’…” Tyson’s cheeks blushed slightly red as he looked away, causing Aya to laugh even more hysterically.

“You were quite reserved with laughter back then,” Tyson said as he glanced at her gently. “And much less appreciative of my dank humor.”

“Your ‘dank’ humor wasn’t up to par,” Aya said, smiling back. “After I polished you up, you’re finally good enough.”

“Ah, I remember how much you complained about our love story being too ordinary,” Tyson said, smirking. “Do you still think that?”

“Ugh… I’d kill for an ordinary love story.”

“Ha ha,” Tyson laughed lightly. “I don’t think it’s that much out of the norm.”

“Eh, it’s not. If only we didn’t fight twelve times a day.”

“Ah shut up. Sometimes, when we have nothing to fight about, we’ll just make shit up.”

“That’s true,” Aya nodded. “That’s just weird, isn’t it?”

“Eh, who cares? Works for us.”

“Did those two blockheads finally agree on the wedding date?” Aya asked, changing the topic.

“Ugh, don’t mention them,” Tyson suddenly grunted, his expression falling. “They’ve dragged me into their shit. I think you’re next on their list.”

“Fuck no. I ain’t getting nowhere near that crap.”

“Right. You’re gonna say no?”

“Of course not,” Aya said. “You will.”

“Hey!”

“Just say I got cancer or something,” Aya said. “And then, bam, on the day of their wedding, I come back, fully healed! Miracle! Hallelujah!”

“… you’re a terrible human being, do you know that?”

“Didn’t you figure out that I’m terrible only in front of you?” Aya asked, smiling.

“That’s because you’re you only in front of me. To professors you’re the cute, hardworking genius. To strangers you’re a quaint, reserved girl. To friends you’re respectful, worthy friend. God, how do you keep up with that shit?”

“I’ve learned from best.” Aya said, winking at him.

“… are you trying to tell me something?”

“You know fully well what I’m trying to say.”

“Aah, lady, lady, looks like I’ll have to spank you some once we get back home,” Tyson said. “You’ve been a very bad girl.”

“… how do you even have face to threaten me with spanking?!” Aya exclaimed. “Every time we try some rough play, it’s like feathers are brushing against my ass!”

“Hey! Don’t blame me!! I fucking worship how tight and round your ass is, what if I disfigure it somehow?! I’d kill myself!!”

“… fine. I’ll let you off this time.” Aya said, blushing slightly as she looked out her passenger window.

“You do realize I can see your reflection?” Tyson said, smirking.

“Fuck off.”

“Tsk. You only need a vagina large enough to eat me up, and you’d definitely become a black widow.”

“To become a widow I’d have to marry you. I’d rather eat dog’s shit for the rest of my life than do that!!” Aya exclaimed.

“OI!!”

“…”

Night slowly grew louder as young and old alike took to streets, filling up bars, shops and restaurants, while Aya and Tyson drove slowly. Temperatures had already began inching to 0, and leisurely summer clothes were put away, so that thick coats and boots may take their place. It was yet to snow, but that was the only remaining sign for the winter to come.