HIM – PERFECT COUPLET

Night slowly fell over the small harbor town as street lamps lit up like stars throughout the rugged, cobblestone pavements. In a small corner, one filled with drowning chatter, Tyson and Aya sat under a veranda as around them the smell of fried fish doused all others. They sat in a small, curved corner, behind them triangularly-shaped garden. Both had already ordered a beer while they waited for Tyson’s dad to arrive.

“Honestly, I’m surprised you didn’t turn into a merman.” Aya said, sighing as she scratched her nose.

“This is nothing,” Tyson said as he chuckled. “Wait until the season arrives, when tourists pour in. You wouldn’t even be able to smell a decomposing corpse.”

“Do you think I want to smell a decomposing corpse?” Aya asked.

“I don’t know. Do you? You are freaky, after all.”

“There’s a difference between kinky and freaky.”

“So you’re admitting to being kinky? Tyson said, smirking.

“Every girl needs to have some sweet glamour.”

“You don’t carrot at all about how I feel.” Tyson said, sighing.

“… we’re not starting.” Aya said.

“Come on. He’ll probably be at least half an hour late, and it’s not like I can boink you here.”

“You do realize that ‘boink’ is associated with pigs, right?”

“So?” Tyson said. “I’m fairly certain nobody would want to watch the tape of us having sex. It’s like there’s a Satanic ritual involving dying cats, screaming children and high-pitched Morgan Freeman’s voice.”

“… the way you think of it is otterly terrible and Fanta-stick at the same time.” Aya said, smirking.

“Aah, toucan play this game.” Tyson said, smiling.

“But, seriously, we don’t actually sound like that, do we?” Aya asked.

“No,” Tyson said. “It’s mostly me making sounds, trying to get a reaction from you.”

“Do you?”

“Just from your lower half.”

“That’s the reaction you’re supposed to be getting during the sex.” Aya said.

“Yeah, but, you know, a man has needs.” Tyson said.

“What needs? To make every single conversation about sex wantonly awkward?”

“Where the hell do you keep pulling out those adverbs of yours?”

“Wow, you know what an adverb is.” Aya said. “Looks like your 2nd place wasn’t just a miracle, after all.” Tyson smiled lightly as he took a gulp of the beer. “By the way, what would Morgan’s voice sound high-pitched?”

“… well, if his normal voice is the voice of God, then it’s only logical to assume that the opposite voice equals opposite results, right?” Tyson said.

“I bet rich people get him to narrate their GPS. I’d kill for it.”

“Even when you fail a turn,” Tyson said. “You’d still be happy because you heard his voice.”

“… is there something you want to tell me there, you big stud?” Aya said, smiling wryly.

“Yeah, I’m gay for his voice. Practically every dude is. Nothing wrong with it.”

“Do you know who I’m gay for?” Aya asked.

“Oh, this will be interesting.” Tyson said as he inched slightly closer

“Yukie Nakama.” Aya said.

“…”

“You have no idea who that is, do you?”

“Nope.” Tyson said honestly.

“Looks like we have stuff to do when we get back home.”

“… is she naked in any of those stuff?” Tyson asked.

“That’s for me to know and for you to learn.” Aya said.

“So she isn’t.”

“And Taylor Momsen,” Aya said. “You have to know about her.”

“…”

“What?” Aya asked as she realized he was looking at her strangely.

“… nothing. Just wondering why the hell you fell in love with me.” Tyson said.

“I ask myself that question every morning. Every morning, Ty.”

“Keep asking. Hopefully you never find an answer.” Tyson said, smiling. “Oh, there he is.”

“Oh. He’s handsome.” Aya said.

“… too bad you can’t use ‘I can see where you got your looks from’.” Tyson said, smiling weakly.

“Don’t worry. You’re cuter than him.”

“… oh god. It’s back. Help. Huston, mayday, mayday.”

“I don’t think that’s how that expression goes.” Aya said.

“Eh, I need to brush up on my references a bit,” Tyson said as he got up. “Hi dad.”

“Sorry I’m late lad,” the man said, smiling lightly as he stopped next to the table. “Terrible traffic.”

“He smells of a woman’s perfume.” Aya said. “Nice one! High-five!” There’s a higher chance of me getting diabetes from staying with her than eating the ocean’s worth of candy.

“… uh, thanks?” Tyson’s dad smiled awkwardly as he high-fived her.

“What did I tell you?” Tyson said, smiling as the three sat back down.

“Quite a woman indeed.”

“Aya, this is Robert.” Tyson said. “Robert, Aya.”

“Nice to meet you.” Aya said, smiling.

“Likewise, young miss,” Robert said, smiling back. “You seem way too cute for Ty over here. Honestly: how much is he paying you?”

“Ah, you know. Round here, dinner there, pill over there...” Aya replied.

“Pill?” Robert mumbled, arching his brow; a moment later, the thought dawned upon him as he hid his eyes behind his hand. “She’s, uh, quite… open, isn’t she.”

“Oh, you have no idea.” Tyson said, leaning back and smiling.

“I heard about today’s… ‘incident’,” Robert said. “I already knew she was something else, but seeing it in person is really… different.”

“Eh? You heard?” Aya exclaimed.

“Oh, yeah.” Robert said, chuckling. “It’s practically the talk of the town by now. Ty’s new girlfriend floors his mother on day one. What happens next? Will there be blood involved?”

“…” Aya’s cheeks flushed red as she lowered her head in embarrassment.

“Ha ha ha,” Tyson burst out in laughter as he gently patted her head. “Cheer up. It’s not as bad as it sounds. One time, the, khm, ‘talk of the town’ was the story about me going into a haunted house and having sex with a ghost as a form of exorcist.”

“Did you?” Aya asked.

“Yeah, sure. There she was, in all her ethereal beauty, floating ‘bove boards, lusting after me—“

“Okay, okay, I get it,” Aya interrupted, grumbling. “You know that sarcasm stops being funny when the response is longer than five words, right?”

“No, I actually find stretching it further and further as the awkwardness reaches the levels previously thought impossible far funnier.” Tyson said.

“… yeah, well, you also think that November Rain is the 90’s best song, so, you know, your opinions are pretty much invalid.” Aya said, sticking her tongue out lightly.

“That’s only because it is!” Tyson exclaimed. “Name me one song that’s better, and I’ll suck you off right here and now!”

“Uh, I don’t know,” Aya said. “Smells Like Teen Spirit, Losing my Religion, Under the Bridge, need I go on?! And suck off what?! I think we’ve already established that there’s nothing to suck off.” Oh. Right. Dad’s here. Oops. Tyson glanced sideways and saw Robert’s shocked expression, causing the former to burst out in laughter; as Aya followed his glance and saw the man’s face, she followed in suit and turned to laughter to ease the awkwardness.

“Sorry, sorry,” Tyson said. “We, uh, tend to get… heated when debating opinions.”

“You don’t say.” Robert said. “Hey, Chuck, bring me a beer! Scratch that, bring two for everyone, and bring them fast!!” he yelled toward the slightly plump-man currently frying fish in the open, who waved back casually and scoffed. “You two certainly are… unique.”

“It’s his fault,” Aya said. “It’s always his fault.”

“Yap,” Tyson said, smiling. “We’ve established that on our first date. Wonderful how in sync we are, right?”

“So, did you tell her you love her yet?” Robert asked as the waiter brought the beers for three. Both Aya and Tyson suddenly coughed as they looked away from each other, their cheeks turning beet-red. “Oh, what? You can talk about sucking each other off, but the word ‘love’ shuts you up? Aah, damn kids these days.”

“… uh, yeah, I, uh, have,” Tyson mumbled as he opened the bottle and drank half of it in one go. “Like an hour ago. We’ve, uh, yet to, you know, settle it properly.”

“Yeah, what, what he said.” Aya mumbled as well, mirroring Tyson and drinking half a beer in one go.

“I don’t get it anymore,” Robert said as he followed suit. “It used to be that saying ‘I love you’ came first, you know? Those were the magical words guys used to get the girl in bed. What do you guys use right now?”

“… what did I use?” Tyson asked as he creased his brows.

“… uh, probably best we don’t talk about that right now.” Oh, right. Conversation about my screwed up family situation. Right.

“Yup, probably for the best.” Tyson said, coughing lightly. “Anyway, I clearly used my indispensable charms.”

“He is pretty darn charming.” Aya said, nodding lightly. “I’m losing ways to say how cute he is when he blushes.”

“It’s a good thing, no?” Tyson said. “’Cause it’s about damn time you stopped saying it.”

“It’s not even half the story,” Aya said, suddenly smirking evilly. “Remember about a week ago when I stayed at your place? When you thought I was asleep?”

“… no… no…”

“Yeah,” Aya said. “She’s my sin~~~ I still can’t believe I didn’t fall off the bed laughing when you started singing it while looking at me. It was the second most adorable thing I’ve ever seen in my life.”

“What’s the first?” Tyson asked, immediately regretting his question.

“Your dick.”

“I knew it.”

“Then why ask.”

“Stupid reflex.” Tyson said, sighing. “Oh, right. Dad’s here. Maybe we can keep the rest of the conversation family friendly.”

“Ha ha, don’t mind me,” Robert said, chuckling. “It’s better than having her try to impress me with the things she thinks I enjoy, and you constantly answering all questions I ask her.”

“… does that even happen in real life?” Aya mumbled. “I think I’ve only ever seen it in movies.”

“Well, you know, maybe we should share our trick with them,” Tyson said. “How to avoid awkward family dinner? Make the conversation topics so awkward it blows everyone’s minds, so when we transition back to actual family dinner, it won’t be that bad.”

“Hey, it worked for us,” Aya said. “So it can’t be that terrible.”

“You said my dick is cute in front of him.” Tyson said. “Who does that?!”

“I do.”

“And who else?!”

“I imagine plenty people.” Aya said, her expression deadpan.

“No!! No ‘plenty’ people!! Rather, no people at all! I knew you were an alien since the day I met you, but I figured you’d start adapting to human ways down the line. You’re just getting more alien!”

“… isn’t it aliener? No, wait, definitely not,” Aya said. “Why did I even say that? For crying out loud, I study language. Ugh, this is embarrassing.”

“That’s embarrassing?!!” Tyson exclaimed.

“There’s nothing more embarrassing than screwing up basic grammar!!” Aya exclaimed back.

“… uh, guys,” Robert interjected between the two, smiling awkwardly. “I’ve already ordered the dinner for us, if you don’t mind. You guys didn’t seem like you were stopping any time soon.”

“… thanks.” Aya said. “Sorry about this. I’ll teach him proper manners later tonight.”

“As long as it doesn’t involve a whip.” Tyson mumbled.

“I just proposed it once!! Once!” Aya said.

“Once is enough!”

“… oh for the love of…”

“This, uh, is supposed to be a fight, right?” Robert asked, frowning lightly.

“Not supposed to. It is.” Tyson said. “And to think you’d be the problem. I forgot the alien sitting next to me.”

“How can you talk to your dad like that?!” Aya exclaimed.

“No, it’s fine, deserved it,” Robert said, calming the atmosphere. “No, what I’m saying is that, you know, if this is how you fight… you guys are in for a long haul.”

“Huh?” Aya and Tyson exclaimed at the same time as they looked at smiling Robert.

“You both honestly say what’s on your mind,” Robert said. “Yet, you never stick to one single thing for too long, just blowing past it onto the next topic. I mean, since the start of this, uh, ‘fight’, you’ve gone from 90’s hits to, and I can’t believe I’m saying this, whipping. How? I have no idea, but you did. Halfway through, following you guys became really difficult.”

“… right.” Tyson mumbled, taking a gulp of the beer. “By the way, I still November Rain wins by a landslide.”

“I think even I Want It That Way is better.” Aya grunted.

“… you did not just say that.”

“… ah, I’m sorry.” Aya said, sighing. “Of course I don’t. I even got angry with myself the moment I said it.”

“… yeah,” Tyson mumbled. “I mean, you know, if I’m being honest, Under the Bridge is right up there, maybe even a tad bit better.”

“… you guys are… uh, really something…” Robert said, rolling his eyes slightly as he drank some of his beer, waiting for fish to arrive, and the rest of the dinner to unfold… in a way he had no chance of knowing.