A Little Bit of Selfishness

With shock firmly written on my face, I helplessly stared wide eyed at the girl in front of me. The slight trace of heat that I could faintly feel on my cheeks contrasted with the thin, cool pair of hands that firmly held my head in place. With her face just inches away from my own, and with her humid breath tickling my sun burnt nose, I could feel my own heart thumping violently in my chest as my reasoning momentarily slipped away.

For an instant, I felt the genre shift from broody tragedy, to a helpless romance.

It took me several seconds before I properly registered everything she had said after the kiss, and regain my train of thought.

I coughed once, as I almost willed the redness on my cheeks to vanish, and spoke with practiced nonchalance. “I-It’s been a while, Cielle. Your greeting caught me a bit off guard… it was sort of, um...ah, that’s not to say I didn’t like it… it’s just that, um, it was pretty unexpected. S-so…”

Feeling the heat on my face intensify as my self destruction became further apparent, my own words trailed off while I slowly craned my neck upwards. The words that had been accumulating in the back of my throat gushed out before I could do anything about it.

“Just… Where did all that come from?”

Cielle absentmindedly stared blankly at me. A pale, thin finger lightly traced the contours of her bottom lip, as her eyes locked with my own. Those same eyes though, seemingly stared past me as her brow contorted in consternation. She looked a bit troubled, but the concern I felt was trumped by the feeling of arousal her appearance brought forth.

With her reddened cheeks, slightly wet lips, and messy, yet glossy hair that seemed to shine with the slight traces of sunlight scattered around the room, the girl in front of me was undeniably beautiful.

I almost lost myself in a daze before my eyes caught on to Cielle’s slight, minute movement. Her slightly parted lips widened, almost as if she was about to say something.With the words seemingly on the edge of her tongue, Cielle looked as if she was on the verge of replying, but almost immediately after, those same rosebud colored lips suddenly closed shut, while her head silently drooped down towards the floor.

With the bobbing of her head, the messy tufts of black hair swayed slightly before they fell before her face, creating the familiar curtain of hair that I had grown accustomed to seeing. By this point, Cielle’s appearance, with her face hidden and her black hair blocking much of everything, with the exception of her thin, rose colored lips, brought forth an emotion that differed from earlier’s arousal. It was sort of a comforting sense of nostalgia. It was a trace of rare familiarity that I had grown to love over these past few months.

Seeing such a familiar appearance, I could not help but laugh out loud. The fatigue from the last few days, the fear of almost dying, and the unexpected melancholy of being alone… all of that faded away. It might be a bit cliche to say this, but meeting up with Cielle in this sparse, half destroyed room, truly did cure my own heart from everything I went through.

Hearing my unrestrained laughter, I could see a slight frown forming on her lips.

“What’s so funny?” She spoke with a slightly childish pout.

I laughed once more, before I replied, “No, that’s not it. It’s just that… after three days, I sort of missed you.”

Contrary to my light hearted words, Cielle immediately looked up, her expression quickly shifted from tender love, to confusion, anger, then to shock. By the end of it all, tears had once again accumulated beneath her eyes.

“Hide… you, what are you talking about?” She almost forced the words out from her own lips, as a raw, powerful emotion scratched against her battered throat.

“Huh?” From the tone of her voice, to the expression on her face, I wasn’t dumb enough to not feel that something was wrong here. My face contorted to that of confusion, while my brow scrunched up and my mouth unconsciously formed a frown. “Did I say something wrong?”

“...” Cielle paused for a second, before she replied, “It’s been seven days since we separated. If you had really come back 4 days ago, like we had promised, then I wouldn’t have been so worried.”

The confusion that had firmly etched itself onto the contours of my face only continued to grow even more pronounced, as I inwardly mumbled. “Wait-wait, seven days? It’s been seven days?”

If seven days really did pass since my fight with the Manticore, then that would mean that I was unconscious and knocked out for at least 4 days before I regained consciousness… How exactly did I survive that long without any food or water, while simultaneously covered in numerous injuries? Why did I survive? Why did I not die? But more importantly…

“More importantly, Cielle, why are you still here?” I spoke outloud while locking eyes with the wide eyed girl in front of me.

At first, the expression behind that curtain of hair shifted into confusion in the face of my sudden scolding, but almost immediately, her eyes slightly widened, as realization quickly sunk in.

“Why are you still here?” I repeated. “Didn’t we make a promise that you would leave along with the others after 3 days pass and I still haven’t made it back?”

I thought about the worst case scenario. What if I had died back then? What if I never came back? How long would Cielle have waited? If that Manticore hadn’t died during our fight, and chased after her… would Cielle have continued waiting? Would she have stayed in this building, clinging onto the faintest trace of hope while danger narrowed in on her like a well aimed arrow?

In response, Cielle’s face contorted into a troubled expression. She paused for a moment, as if to think, before she responded with almost frightening normality.

“There’s no way I could have left without you. Isn’t something like that obvious?”

“...” For a moment, I was caught off guard by the blind confidence Cielle possessed. “That’s… We made a deal, didn’t we? That the rest of the group would leave if I didn’t make it back after three days-”

“That doesn’t matter. If I had left 4 days ago like you asked me to, then we would have never met back up like this.”

“Cielle, you… no, wait, that isn’t the issue here. If… What if I never returned? How long would you have waited?”

Cielle stayed silent. No words met my inquiry, but as if in response, her head shot up while her eyes firmly locked with my own. The resolution hidden within Cielle’s hazel colored pupils, as well as the complicated, murky sadness that intermixed within, told me more than her words could ever hope to convey..

“...” I stayed silent for a while, before a tired sigh leaked out through my teeth. Albeit a bit unwilling, I ultimately dropped the issue. There were just some things a person would never back away from, and in this case, I felt that I was touching on something similar.

“Well, I guess that explains why Cielle was unusually bold though…” I quietly mumbled to myself as I broke eye contact, and absentmindedly allowed my eyes to wander around the broken room.

“What was that?”

“No, nothing.” I hurriedly replied. “I was just thinking that you probably had no intention of listening to me back when we made that promise.”

Although I spoke calmly with a smile on my face, for some reason, Cielle’s expression paled while a drop of sweat rolled down her chin.

“T-that’s not necessarily true…” She spoke with a troubled expression. “I’ll always listen to what Hide says… i-it’s just that, back then… i-it was a special circumstance, so, um… sorry...”

Seeing her struggle while simultaneously trying to maintain that crumbling facade of hers, I could not help but laugh to myself. My sudden outburst echoed throughout the empty lobby, as Cielle’s shoulders jumped up in surprise.

As the last traces of my laughter died out, I gently pushed Cielle out of the way, as I attempted to stand. The fatigue from the past few days had finally caught up to me, especially after that almost two hour long trek sapped away at almost all of my remaining energy, so I had a slightly difficult time getting up.

While somewhat staggering to my feet, I continued to talk, half in an attempt at distracting myself, and half in relish at just the action of conversing with Cielle.

“Anyways, I can’t really get angry at you… especially after that sort of r-reunion. Seeing as how you acted out of consideration for me this whole time… Even I’m not that dense, you know?”

As I spoke, the words were dyed with the grunts and strains that unwillingly leaked out from my gritted teeth. I turned towards Cielle, and unconsciously frown. With her face facing directly towards me, Cielle sported a complicated expression beneath her mess of black hair. Before I knew it, her eyes were slowly scanning my whole body.

“Cielle?” I worried called out.

A moment of silence before a reply spoken in a soft, almost silent voice came out. “You’re injured.”

I reflexively looked down at myself, before I nonchalantly responded, “Ah, that’s right. It was a really close call, back then. I really did almost die.” The tone that came out completely betrayed the bitter determination that I carried back then. “The manticore was really strong. Even after it got shot in the eye, and something exploded in its skull, it still kept coming. In the end, I barely escaped.” My voice was coated in eerie normality. It felt like I was forcing myself, but I knew better. To me, the past was the past. I didn’t regret, nor did I dwell. It was just something I had survived through. It wasn’t anything special.

“Although the Manticore eventually died afterwards, I was pretty beaten myself. My body was covered in injuries, I had completely drained out both my stamina and HP, and to make things worse, I didn’t have anything like potions left over.”

“...nough..” Cielle’s faint voice barely registered in my ears, as the words kept flowing from my mouth like water from a broken dam.

“I spent a whole day unconscious… er, now that I think about it, it was four days, probably. I missed the deadline because I was out of it the whole time, sorry about that.”

“...enough..”

“When I finally did wake up though, I was almost as good as dead. Injuries, infections, starvation, dehydration, I was really sure I’d-

“That’s enough!”

“...”

My trance like explanation was broken by Cielle’s sudden uproar. As I looked up to stare at her, Cielle’s face was contorted in pain, as she panted heavily, hard enough to where her chest was visibly heaving up and down. Seeing such a scene, I was at a loss for words.

“You… Hide…” She squeezed out her words as she fought back the tears that accumulated in her eyes. “You went through all that… and I… no, that’s not it, you-you were injured, and I… I didn’t even notice… I even pushed you down like that… I…”

“Ah, Don’t worry about it so much Cielle!” I hurriedly tried to brush everything off with my own usual brand of practiced nonchalance. “I mostly recovered while I was away. The only real problem I have now is probably the fact that my skills are still locked due to something called extreme burnout. It's just something minor like that, so you don’t-”

As if she was deaf to my one sided explanation, Cielle suddenly moved towards me. Interrupting my words with her actions, she looped an arm behind my back as she moved to support my body from underneath my arm.

“...Cielle?” I cautiously asked. “Although I was struggling a bit a while ago, I don’t really have trouble walking. After a few minutes, I’ll be fine, so…”

Cielle nodded offhandedly, but she did not remove the arm that was behind me. It felt as if she had one sidedly decided to ignore all of my protests.

Without uttering a single word, [Blue Gemini] suddenly started leaking out from almost every pore of her body before it slowly floated towards me. I felt a familiar feeling of pleasant warmness surround me, while my minor injuries that scarred my entire body started to slowly disappear. I especially felt relief oozing out from my left wrist, as the quiet numbness from before slowly decreased.

In addition to [Blue Gemini], I also felt a different type of pleasant sensation. It took me awhile, but I eventually recognized the new feeling as Cielle’s other active skill, [Nursing] displaying its effects. It was a different feeling than [Blue Gemini], but at the same time, it was similar. If [Blue Gemini] was the comforting feeling of a soft, warm bed on a lazy winter afternoon, then [Nursing] was something akin to being smothered by a mother’s unconditional love.

As both skills began to take their effect, my expression unconsciously loosened as the power in my legs slowly dripped away. The added pressure I was putting on Cielle’s shoulders greatly increased as a result, and after realizing this, I reflexively turned to look at the person in question.

Cielle had virtually invested all of her stat points into magic related attributes. Her physical capabilities were practically no different from what it had been at the start of the apocalypse. Cielle had the strength of a regular girl. Supporting my full weight, in addition to the weight of the backpack I had strapped behind me… not to mention while simultaneously using two of her skills, the strain it put on her mind and body was apparent.

I almost wanted to protest, but seeing Cielle’s expression of utter concentration, and the determination she displayed even as her legs trembled and sweat dripped down her face, I could not say anything.

When Cielle began forcibly leading me towards the stairs, I meekly complied, even going as far as letting her bare my full weight as she took each step with obvious difficulty. Even when her face morphed into pain, even when I could feel her arms shake, even when her legs almost gave out, I just stayed quiet while my head hung down.

I allowed Cielle to guide me to wherever it was she wanted to take me. I didn’t resist, nor did I attempt to shoulder her burden. For the first time, I truly relied on her. As a small, almost indiscernible smile floated to my face, I relied on Cielle Nayer.

****

After reaching the third floor, Cielle lead me to an apartment with its door haphazardly opened.

When I entered the place, I found myself in a sparse hallway that led to an almost completely empty kitchen. Looking around, the kitchen/dining area was only decorated with a dining table meant to serve four people, but only had one chair. In the attached kitchen, I could see an opened fridge with all of its contents emptied, while on the countertop was a pile of overflowing trash.

Cielle led me past the kitchen and guided me deeper into the apartment. Eventually we arrived at the living room.

The living room was also empty, with the exception of a pile of books haphazardly stacked in one corner of the room, and a lone couch cushion besides the stack.

Even in the face of all my inquisitive gazes, Cielle’s expression was unchanging as she heaved out a tired sigh and greedily swallowed heavy gulps of oxygen. After several seconds of catching her breath, we continued to move across the room, while Cielle absentmindedly spoke.

“This was where I lived…” She said simply as she turned to face an opened door to the right of the living room. “My bedroom’s just a little further ahead, so don’t worry…”

But even as she continued to guide me to the room, I could not hide my current surprise.

I had assumed that this place was just some random apartment she had decided to camp out in, but to think it was her actual home… As my eyes wandered across the living room, I could not help but wonder whether Cielle really lived in such a stark environment. What about Hina? Going by how everything was arranged, this place was a bit too bare to house more than one person. Did Cielle not live with her sister? What about the rest of her family? What sort of circumstance did Cielle have?

As these thoughts continued to float in my mind, we finally arrived at the adjacent bedroom. There, I saw a bedroom decorated with the bare minimum of furniture. An empty desk, a PC, a dresser, and a western bed.

As my eyes scanned the room unabashedly, Cielle awkwardly coughed from besides me. In a somewhat shy voice, she explained how this was the first time she’s invited a guy to her bedroom.

“Ah, but don’t worry, only Hina and I have stayed in the room… and, I’ve kept the place clean s-so you don’t need to worry.”

I nodded curtly, as my gaze wandered towards the center of the room. There, I could see that someone had set up a futon bed besides the western styled twin sized bed that took up almost a third of the entire bedroom.

Cielle quickly interrupted my continuing probing stares, and without pause, she forcibly pushed me onto the bed, stating I needed to rest.

I had a lot of questions floating in my mind, especially regarding Cielle’s previous family situation, but even I realized that it was a bit inappropriate to just flat out ask about such a sensitive topic. But even as I laid here in bed, underneath the layer of sheets that Cielle had unwittingly tucked me in with, I could not hide the frown on my face as my curiosity only deepened.

My frown was completely noticed by Cielle, as she took a step back and tilted her head in my direction. After a second’s pause, she said, “... Don’t worry about anything right now. After everything that’s happened, I… I really don’t want to separate from you… at least for now.”

Her words were spoken with an almost maidenly shyness, which was something I did not see often, much less directed at me. I could not help but feel my heart start to palpitate, as a bit of redness returned to my face. Even though I was perfectly fine with fighting monsters, and facing life or death situations, anything further than this was completely unknown territory to me.

I did not have a response to Cielle’s words, but that did not matter as she acted a bit out of character and continued to speak.

“... So listen to a little bit of my selfishness for today, and just rest here, okay? You’ve done enough, Hide.”

“...”

While I knew how rare it was for Cielle to talk so much all at once, it was even rarer for the person in question to demand something like that. Seeing the different sides of Cielle for the first time, I could do nothing but silently nod my head in compliance.

Cielle who saw me agreeing so complaisantly, broke out into an unwitting smile.

She locked eyes with me for a second, before her eyes slowly moved down before they landed onto my lips. I noticed Cielle’s breathing grew shallow, as a trace of red dyed her cheeks. Without warning, She suddenly took a step forward, and leaned forward towards my face.

I was once again caught off guard by Cielle’s sudden forward approach. The thumping in my heart intensified, as sweat began accumulating beneath my palms. I did not even get the chance to lament over how weak I was to such forward assaults, before Cielle had cut the distance between us. Our faces were mere inches apart, and I could feel her breath tickling my face as her rose colored lips slowly drew closer to my own.

I wanted to unconsciously jumped out from the bed, but I somehow managed to stop myself. Seeing Cielle’s current, half glazed expression, and imagining the worry she probably went through while waiting for me throughout the past 7 days, I found that I did not have the power to force my body to move.

Right now, Cielle was just displaying a bit of selfishness.

There was nothing complicated about it, I reasoned. It’s just her own act of selfishness. Since I’ve been causing her trouble lately, it won’t hurt to entertain her for a little bit.

As Cielle’s face slowly drew closer and closer, and as our lips slowly closed in, Cielle suddenly stopped. Our breathes overlapped one another, while our lips were only a few millimeters away from the other. It was a distance that could be closed by merely nudging my face forward.

But at such an important junction, Cielle had stopped.

She maintained this position for the span of a second, before she let out a hot, and long winded sigh and moved her head backwards. In front of my own blushing face, Cielle’s own redenned expression flashed before my eyes as she faintly smiled.

“I stole the first kiss before... “ She lightly spoke, while she attempted to regulate her uneven breathing. “... and I don’t want to get too greedy. So next time, I’ll wait until Hide makes the first move.”

“...I...um…” My mind was in a total mess after everything that had taken place. While I desperately tried to formulate a coherent response, Cielle had already brushed off the collected dust from her legs, and stood up.

In a voice that completely betrayed her flushed complexion, she said, “...I’ll get some food, and water for you.”

She moved towards the door, and as she walked, she further repeated herself. “Hide doesn’t have to worry about anything. Right now, just relax and rest until you get better…”

Her words abruptly died out as she reached the doorway. She paused for a second, and tilted her head sideways, before she momentarily turned her head to look back at me. After letting out a light laugh, she spoke,

“Although I say that, I know Hide. You won’t listen to what I say. You try to act tough, you try to pretend not to care, but the Hide I know isn’t like that… A person who can’t help but worry about those close to him… A person who can’t help but shoulder all of the burden while making excuses for himself… A person who cares too much, that’s the Hide I know… that’s… that’s the Hide I fell in love with.”

The redness in her complexion intensified, as Cielle glanced at me with a shy, yet calm composure on her face. After a slight pause, she continued, “So… because I know Hide is the type of person who can’t calm down and relax even if I tell him to calm down and relax, after I get back, I’ll explain everything to you…

So, at the very least, until then, Please entertain my little bit of selfishness and relax.”

She floated another light smile, as she finally walked out into the living room, and closed the door behind her, leaving me all alone in a girl’s bedroom for the first time in my adolescent life.