We walked a bit away from the group, the sheer rage on this guy’s face almost enough to make me giggle. I honestly don’t know what prompted it, but I’ve always had a competitive edge, and I was ready to wipe the floor with this guy. We lined up about 10 meters away, some kind of unwritten duelling code passing between us.

He started by waving his hands in the air in some kind of pattern. I wasn’t worried.

“Sԋιҽʅԃ.”

The blueish semi dome appeared in front of my outstretched hand, ready for whatever he was going to throw at me, stuttering strangely for a second. But nothing happened. No balls of fire, no icicles, nothing. Just that weird pattern.

Fuck but it was weird. Like there was something familiar about it. He kept walking closer, but I didn’t give a shit. What was that pattern?

He punched me in the face, my shield spell long forgotten.

“What, pleb, can’t you do any magic?”

The adrenaline, and probably being facedown on the dirt, which felt strange for some reason, helped in breaking his hold, and realizing what was happening. Fucking mental magic, again. Could everybody but me do this shit?

I was pissed. I was determined to only use my spells though. After all, if I couldn’t beat this idiot, I sure as hell wasn’t going to track down whatever sick fuck…. Anyway.

Standing up slowly, my cheek smarting from his suckerpunch, I began, for real this time.

Snap Fwooooosh.

I hurled a firebolt at his legs, burning a hole the size of a dollar coin clean through his thigh. He collapsed onto the ground, but didn’t make any noise. All of a sudden, the ground started hurtling towards my face, while also twitching slightly. He had fucked with my sense of balance.

With a reaction speed I wasn’t certain I possessed, I cast telekinesis on my feet, anchoring them in place, though the spell was slightly shaky for a second. It was a massive mana drain, because that’s not what the spell was built for but I couldn’t care less at the minute. As he got to his feet, I mirrored his heavy breathing, the mana strain hitting me hard.

“Huff How did you stop my magic, peasant? Huff With your one feeble spell? Huff.”

I was so tempted to put a firebolt through his fucking forehead. Breathing deeply, I resigned myself to a bit of creative mana manipulation, breaking my ‘promise’. Whatever. I formed some mana packets in an orb around his head, the same kind I used in my shield.

He was still talking, or trying to. Whatever he said was lost in the sphere of air encompassing his head. Perhaps 30 seconds later, he fell over, and I cut off mana from the spell, utterly spent. Turning around, I saw everyone else staring, apparently having watched the entire thing.

Giving a glance back to what ever the fuck his name was, I gave a two finger salute, then flipped it around and held it up, walking over to where Nox was standing.

“Well it wasn’t the best mana efficiency ever, but those hexagon based barriers are something. I assume you use Air inside them? Very nice.”

Of course that’s what he was interested in.

“Couple of things, why are you being so fucking flippant, I could’ve just killed…. No I couldn’t, could I?”

The shield spell, my most practiced of the lot, stuttering? Like hell. The ground felt weird. My telekinesis spell moving without my command? That was the opposite of the point of the damn thing.

I was in some kind of fucking mental simulation. Who knows, maybe I had never woken up that morning, and this was Hell. It would make sense, my sister was clearly a demon.

“Well done, Charlie, you’re the second person to ever figure out this exam was a simulation.”

“Oh yeah, who was the first? You know what, I don’t want to know.”

I was 200 percent sure he was about to say himself, and I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction.

“So, I’m being watched right now, presumably by a panel of judges?”

He gave a nod.

I immediately double flipped the bird into the sky, spinning around on the spot.

“Hey assholes, I really don’t like mental magic, so can you fuck off?”

Immediately, the world around me changed, the colours blending and swirling together like a Van Gogh, separating out into a white and beige office, with a table and 3 people sitting at it.

I was sitting in a seat as well, somehow going from sitting to standing without realizing it. Then again, I suppose my body was a mental construct too.

“Give me the form.” I said before anyone could start badgering me about why I had done this or that in the sim.

“What ‘form’?” The woman sitting in the middle asked, a look of consternation on her face.

“The one that I can sign so you can’t invade my fucking mind ever again?” I asked in a sickly sweet voice.

I was pleasantly surprised to see a small look of regret pass across the faces staring at me, before they regained their professional demeanor. A brief flash of colour later, and I was holding a form, which after reading through was pretty much exactly what I was after.

No accessing my mind in any way, unless consent is expressly given, in writing. Felt very reassuring to have my privacy back. Damn thought police. Orwell was right, this shit is spooky. Nevermind that he vanished in his later years. You can bet your bottom dollar I signed that shit in a heartbeat.

“Very well, Charles, we shall continue this meeting in reality once you are finished here.”

With that final word, a quick wave from the woman, blacked out my vision. When I ‘woke’ I was sitting in a chair in the reception, next to the 3 others I had noticed in the Sim. Apparently they, at least, were real. Wait a minute, maybe King Asshat wasn’t real!

The thought filled me with joy.

I was approached by the receptionist from before, who I now recognized as the elven man sitting on the left in my ‘judgement’. He looked apprehensive, wringing his hands as he walked over, pale white hair looking dishevelled. He began speaking in a canadian accent.

“I’m sohrry aboot that mind stuff bro, they make me do it fer all the new recruits. I didn’t mean to upset’cha or nothin’.”

I knew Vancouverites were a bit odd but this was taking the cake and banishing it into another dimension.

“Uhh, no worries man, I’m just not big on having people see my thoughts, y’know?”

“True I get’cha bro, it’s a bit fucked eh? Tell ya what, I’ll make it up to ya with a Timmies or a two four or sumthin.”

“Uhh, yeah man, sounds great.”

He then walked away, a pleased look on his face. I resolved to go home and google what the hell I had just agreed to, before the rest of the people around me woke up. Nox walked up to the group from another doorway I hadn’t noticed.

“Wakey wakey boys and girls!” Nox’s voice rippled through me like a shot of espresso. I had to learn whatever spell was involved in that, because good lord was it refreshing. The other three awoke, and were as bleary eyed as I had felt moments ago. Apparently being awake makes it easier to be refreshed. Who knew?

Nox led us into a real conference room, only this time there were only five seats. Taking the leftmost seat, I watched as the others took theirs. Were these even the same people I had seen in the simulation, or had they been just another part of it?

“The higher ups weren’t in the mood for your review, so I got the job foisted upon me. Here we go then…. Ah, right, I should explain the situation for those of you who didn’t figure it out. You were just subjected to a simulated environment, in which you were tasked with fighting an annoying individual, based on one of our past recruits. Here’s how you did.”

“Jeremy, you get four stars, you showed good restraint and dealt with the threat quickly and efficiently, though there were areas you could improve, namely lacking spell use and instead opting for manipulation.”

The british guy looked smug until mentioning the lack of spells, his glee dimming noticeably. Looking over ‘Jeremy’ for the first time, I was fairly surprised to find that he was actually fairly bulky, his posh british demeanour contrasting with his shaved head and dark skin. I’m the last guy you’ll find discriminating, but the stereotypes usually presented didn’t fit his character one bit.

Oh no, he’s so unique, what if he steals my spot as the main character!?

“Let’s see here….. Ahh, yes, Alex, uhm….. Two stars, while you didn’t end up killing your antagonist…. Well, uh, I mean….. Just work on it, okay?”

As he spoke, thin wisps of smoke curdled from the openings in ‘Alex’s’ hoodie, her lithe form tensing slightly as he spoke, before relaxing when he seemed done. I couldn’t care less if she was insane, she had left Nox flabbergasted. That qualifies you for automatic addition to my good books.

“Now on to you Deaudra… also two stars, while your antagonist ended up dying, you displayed….sufficient destructive power that if it were up to me you’d be on our SWAT team right now. Unfortunately it’s not, and besides, you’ll need to learn some…. finesse.”

She just grunted, her massive muscles shifting as she clenched and unclenched her fists. She was buff. Like bodybuilder buff. Like she could break my jaw with a punch buff. What her magic entailed, I had no idea, but if it was anything like her physique, it involved overwhelming physical power.

“And finally Charlie. Three stars. Not great, not terrible. Good use of spells, excellent adaptive manipulation, poor combat readiness.”

“Alright kids, here’s the deal, you have been tested, and you pass. That means one thing. You’re in for the long haul. The next 3 months will be your training period, and you had better be prepared for some of the most gruelling and challenging moments of your lives. At least up until now. Later might be worse. Who knows?”

“For now though you have time to introduce yourselves, get to know each other, yadda yadda etcetera and so on, before you’re done for the day. Tomorrow you begin combat training.”

Can you guess what happens next? What's that? He….vanished with a pop? Ding ding ding we have a winner. We were left sitting in some of the most awkward silence I have ever been in. Even though we were indoors, I half expected a tumbleweed to roll by.

“I didn’t actually do anything bad, I figured out it was a simulation…. so I cut the guy’s ass off and melted it onto his forehead. You know because…..”

Alex started giggling as she paused in her speech, and I figured it would be better to start interacting in a natural way.

“Because he was an asshat.”

I said, a small smile on my face. It was a pretty good joke, if a little… gruesome. She nodded, her face imperceptible underneath the large hood she wore even indoors. Interaction successful, now to rope in the others.

“I wonder why he was so disturbed by it though. It seems like the kind of thing he’d find funny. You don’t think… you don’t think the past recruit the guy was based on… was him, do you?”

Jeremy looked at me with shock, before an expression of pure gratitude overcame his face.

“You’re a genius. It all makes sense. He was pretending not to watch the fight, right? Maybe not because he was supposed to, but maybe because he didn’t want to see his past self get the shit kicked out of him.”

Wait what. Apparently my subconscious mind had my freakin back and had put together what I thought to be a believable ruse, only for it to actually be the potential truth.

Deaudra spoke up in a surprisingly soft and lilting voice.

“The leprechaun boy is right, Nox really might have been that idiot with a crown.”

See, even she agrees with…. leprechaun boy? Leprechaun boy? Bitch it’s on.

“What do you say Alex, even the gorilla woman agrees with me?”

She started to reply before the ground shook and all of our chairs were on the ground. I was prepared and used a quick telekinesis to keep me stable. Deaudra and I were the only ones still standing.

“Did you just call me a gorilla you fucking potatoe muncher?”

“Wow you even know about potatoes, I was sure the only thing you’d learn at the zoo was ‘banana’!”

Oh yeah. It was on.