Chapter 50 — The Breaking Point

"Did anything happen?" asked Natalie. She'd just climbed the half-destroyed staircase in Boris' shop. Riley still lay prone behind the window with her rifle, watching the library down the street.

"It's been quiet," said Riley. She seemed to have adopted a mix of Riley's speech, but coupled with the old Rook voice Natalie knew better. It wasn't quite Rook, but it wasn't quite Riley either. "What happened in the Summit?"

Riley had turned down the invitation offered to Natalie, relayed to them over the radio by Makoto. Natalie went alone, while Riley stayed behind to keep an eye on everything—and, Natalie was pretty sure, to avoid seeing any of the people in that room. Natalie went alone, wearing the only clean clothes she had left: the dress she'd worn to Jenny's funeral.

She feels guilty just like I do.

You are not responsible for what has happened in your life, Natalie.

I am though. I didn't need to kill those people. I could've gotten away some other way.

They were trying to kill you. You had every right to protect yourself.

Natalie had held this argument with the voice before, and she didn't think they'd ever agree.

"They… they want to kill him," said Natalie.

Riley nodded, still not taking her eyes off the library. "We won't let them."

They didn't talk for a while. Natalie sat in a relatively-intact chair near the window, watching the library, while Rook did the same. Percy came to perch on her shoulder after a few minutes, trying to comfort her. All of her friends knew she was worried and stressed out. She could feel it in them, and that stressed them out.

Why do we delay? They are still at the Summit. This may be our best opportunity to speak to him.

I… I'm afraid to.

He is your father.

That's why I'm afraid… If I go out there and he sees me… if he finds out I'm awakened and he's not okay with it… that's it, isn't it?

It may not be so simple.

It is though. If he does, then I'm really alone. All of this will be pointless. It's not like I can not be awakened. And… even if I could, I wouldn't go back. I'd lose Gwen, and Percy, and Scrappy, and I'd lose all of this. It's made me happy. I just want to stay happy. I think he'd be okay with that…

You will never know until you talk to him.

She couldn't stay still. Natalie got up and started pacing, going around in circles with the voice in her head even as her feet walked the same through the bedroom. Every time she voiced doubt, every time she hesitated, it pushed her to act—and the conflict was tearing at her mind. She needed to do something, but apart from protecting her father, Natalie had no clue what that was.

"Distract yourself," said Riley, her quiet voice mixing with the birdsong of the morning forest around Rallsburg.

Natalie stopped walking and looked over at her. She still hadn't budged an inch—how could someone be so still, in a place this crazy? Natalie wished she had that kind of patience and self-control. Anything that could keep her from going into a blind panic and ending up in an even worse situation than before would be a massive improvement.

"What do you mean?"

"You're doing the same thing Stefen used to do. He was impatient too. When we were out in the field, he'd always need to have something to distract himself. He learned patience the hard way." She hesitated, then spoke in a lower tone. "That's how he lost the use of his arm."

"...I forgot about that," Natalie murmured. "His arm looked okay at the Summit."

Riley actually looked over at Natalie now. "Stefen was there?"

"Yes."

She looked a little surprised—and a little upset. "And you said he looked all right?"

"Yeah," said Natalie. She nodded, trying to emphasize it. "He said he was sorry, and that he was gonna help Rika and everything. So… I think he's doing okay. It kinda surprised me."

"That's… that's good." A strange look crossed Riley's face, and she turned back to watch out the window again.

"So…" said Natalie after a long pause. "How am I supposed to distract myself?"

"We talked," said Riley. "Stefen would make up competitions. Throwing knives at tree stumps or rocks, playing cards, anything to pass the time while still maintaining our post. We didn't have much else out in the desert."

"Where were you?"

"Afghanistan." She must have seen the blank look on Natalie's face, because she went on. "It's a country in Asia, and it is not all desert, but we often ended up in the driest parts of the country. We weren't wanted there."

"Why were you there?"

"That… is a very long and complicated story," said Riley. "I didn't want to be there, but I was sent there." She shook her head slightly, though her eyes remained locked forward. "It's not a story I like to revisit."

"Okay," said Natalie. She could definitely understand that feeling. Riley wasn't exactly the best person for Natalie to talk to though… as nice as she had been, in stark contrast to the attitude everyone else seemed to have for her, Natalie needed someone who wasn't tied up in everything around her. Talking to Riley didn't take her mind off what was happening.

I need someone who makes me happy.

She pulled out her phone and went downstairs. To her surprise, she actually had a signal—a connection, faint but still intact, all the way from the Greywood. Natalie could even get to the internet. She hurriedly pulled up the news, desperate for any more information she could glean from the world outside Rallsburg.

It… wasn't very reassuring.

EIGHTY-TWO DECEASED, FORTY-SEVEN INJURED IN GUNFIGHT SOUTH OF RALLSBURG

OVER A HUNDRED CASUALTIES AS AWAKENED WAR CONTINUES IN WASHINGTON

NATIONAL GUARD DEPLOYED TO KEEP THE PEACE IN OLYMPIC FOREST AS GUNFIRE ERUPTS FRIDAY NIGHT

The headlines kept coming, and Natalie didn't miss the implication—everyone called it a fight. Nobody seemed to understand they'd been attacked. They'd only fought back once it started. Until Natalie ran across the police officer getting killed, the camp had been pretty lively and normal, but all the world seemed to think it was a two-way thing.

What are we supposed to do? Not fight back? Let them hurt us?

Cinza suggested this was wise. She is wrong.

She was just saying to let the National Guard lead, right? That we'd let the real soldiers do the fighting for us.

They were not there for the awakened when they were needed. They cannot be relied upon.

Most people can't beat guns though. Even grabbing guns away isn't easy for most people. It is for me, and for Hailey and Hector and Lily and Kendra, but… what are normal people people supposed to do?

Not everyone can fight. It is up to us to protect them.

So now they're my own too?

Whomever you decide to include in your queendom is your own, Natalie.

I don't have a queendom.

Natalie didn't want to talk to the voice anymore either. It wanted her to fight, to move, to do something. She couldn't though—if she left, something might happen to her dad. She needed to be around to protect him. She went back online, trying to distract herself again, only to find even worse headlines.

DAUGHTER OF "THE TRAITOR": MISSING RALLSBURG GIRL A SECRET STUDENT IN SOUTH SEATTLE MIDDLE SCHOOL

NATALIE HENDRICKS: THE TERROR OF MILLFORD JENKINS MIDDLE SCHOOL

She scrolled through story after story, feeling her heart sink deeper with every paragraph. She saw the quotes from Blake Sinclair and Lydia Jenkins, the pictures, the threats. She saw the principal's brave stance to protect her, but so much of the world still seemed to be against her. Nobody wanted Natalie at that school. She was too dangerous.

Natalie fell back against Gwen's thick fur. She shuffled slightly and gave a low growl, and Natalie suddenly realized she hadn't been awake.

Gwen brushed Natalie's leg with her nose. Natalie sat down and pulled her legs up, and Gwen curled around her to keep her warm. Her tail landed right on Natalie's feet. With the black dress and her coat, Natalie wasn't in the best clothes for the chilly December forest, but she had magic, and she had her wolf, so she wasn't too worried about getting sick or anything.

But… looking at all the stories about her… her blood was hot and rushing fast. She felt… angry.

I… I'm not like that. I didn't…

They will never understand why. All they see is what they want to see, and they want to be afraid. They want their world to come back, when it is already long-gone.

They're saying horrible things about me. And this isn't just Blake being mean at school, this is… newspapers. They're putting it in public. It's all… it's everywhere.

Could Natalie go anywhere now? Her face was all over the internet, both before and after the scar. Unless she did something drastic to change herself, even more than Hailey had when she was in disguise, Natalie would be recognized. With the number of new headlines cropping up, she felt like she was almost as well-known as Cinza now.

...Who would ever want to be famous? I hate this. I hate everything about this.

It does not matter. You are already home. Let them think whatever they want. You need not travel further. You are already in your queendom.

The voice was no help at all, repeating the same idea over and over—that Natalie was already where she needed to be, and didn't need anyone in order to take control. Natalie wasn't sure she wanted to take control, but letting her life lead wherever it ended up hadn't worked out at all either. She needed something in the middle, somewhere she could be herself.

Her friends back at the Greywood were her best hope, but Natalie wasn't sure if she could get in touch with them. After all, she couldn't leave her spot, not without risking her father's life—and the occupants of the Greywood were the very threat she defended against. She didn't worry for Kelsey, Mitch or Tyler's lives, but… what could they do?

Tyler would ask her what to do. Kelsey would say something about how stupid it was that everyone hated each other, and why was Natalie forced to make all these decisions, but it wouldn't be very helpful in the end. Mitch would probably just get into some argument with Kelsey, even though he wholly sympathized with Natalie at the end of the day.

She knew them. She liked spending time with them, but… they'd never been in situations like hers. Worse, they didn't even know the whole story—all the twists and turns of Natalie's life, what she'd been forced to do, what had been done to her. Only one person really knew her anymore.

...I have a phone, and I have signal. I don't have to go anywhere to talk to someone.

In the photos, Natalie had seen him. Her heart lurched in her chest. She wanted to talk to him. She needed to talk to him—someone outside of this insanity, someone who might be able to understand her. Natalie couldn't blame him for wanting to stay away. It hadn't been because of her. She knew that completely. It was the rest of the world that was insane.

If anything, he was smart for wanting to stay away. Natalie needed smart right now.

She tapped the contact, the only one still listed in the favorites on her phone.

He answered after just one ring.

"Hello?"

Natalie took a deep breath before speaking. "...Hi, Quinn."