Come around children, and listen because I have a story to tell.

Once long ago, before Strawberry Fields was even founded, and we were spread out across the continent being hunted, there was a great bird. This bird did what all birds do, and one day when it was out gathering flowers, it fell in love with a bee and magic happened. Momma bird became pregnant.

Now this was a very big bird and when the bird made its nest, out popped the first large egg, and poppa bee became extremely happy because even though the bee knew that his children would be bigger than him, he would be a father. Then momma bird gave birth to another egg, and it was round and healthy, and both bird and bee celebrated their great fortune. And finally momma bird gave birth to a third egg, and this egg was different though no less special than all the other eggs.

The third egg was born with two legs, two arms and a top hat, just like a person but all the rest of his body was the same as his two siblings, and by that I mean egg-shaped.

Momma bird was much puzzled by this, and she said “Squawk,” because she was a bird silly and birds don’t talk. And poppa bee said “bzzz” because bees don’t talk either. And this little fresh born egg looked around at his parents and said to himself, “Wow! I’m an egg.” Because, little boys and girls, the egg was a Twice-Lived just like your parents, and maybe just like you.

The egg realized that it couldn’t stay in the nest with the other eggs. He realized that if he were to stay with the birds and the bees he would be no better or worse than other eggs and he might even hatch.

Now, children, this egg was not like other intelligent eggs. I know that some of the other adults have told you about Humpty Dumpty and how he fell off the wall. Well, this egg did not have All the Kings Horses nor all the Kings Men to put him back together again.

So, that night when his mother the bird was out eating flowers and his father the bee was out gathering pollen, the brave egg, climbed out of the nest and shimmied down the tree. Somewhere in this whole world, there must be others like him.

The egg traveled north, out of the vast forest, and onto a road. There he saw people working in fields and riding on horses, and the egg being brave and remembering what it was like to have once been a human walked up to every one of these people and said: “Are you like me?” And they said nothing because they could not speak the language of the Twice-Lived from where he used to live on Earth and Eggs, which if you must know for this egg was English.

Day after day, the egg traveled north, and day after day, person after person, nobody answered him when he said: “Are you like me?”

Now, this egg was unlucky for many reasons. Not only was he an egg; and I am sure if you ask around people will tell you that being an egg is not the best way to travel. But this egg had been born in the Empire.

Word got around that there was a walking talking egg traveling north, and the Emperor said: “I must have this Egg for he will make a great omelet.” But the Inquisitors said, “An egg that can talk, this must be a Twice-Lived, we must scramble it before it spoils and makes all the empire smell like sulfur.”

The first sign of danger the egg saw was when it walked down a road, and a team of chefs stood searching through the bushes. The egg knew they were chefs because they wore white aprons and carried mixing bowls and wooden spoons.

Realizing the danger, the egg dashed off the road on its stubby little feet and ran into the bushes. There he found a thrush nest. Realizing that it was either the thrush or him, the egg drew a smiley face on a thrush egg and rolled that egg out into the road.

The chefs went mad with greed. They saw the thrush egg with the smiley face and thinking that they had finally caught captured the egg that the Emperor wanted to eat so badly, they began to hit each other with spoons and mixing bowls and spatulas until they were all dead.

By then the egg was long past the chefs, and he continued to travel North looking for someone just like him.

Precisely one hundred miles past where he had run into the chef, the egg saw another group on the road. These people were dressed in scary uniforms, and they held knives and saws and chains and hot coals. Why they were holding hot coals in their hands, nobody knows, but it must have hurt.

The egg saw these men on the road and trembled in fear. But he was a good egg. A smart egg. And so he got off the road as quick as can be. On very tiny egg feet. On very tiny egg toes. The egg crept closer to the scary men who were the Empire’s Inquisition.

But being a talented egg, he could throw his voice. It was a trick he had learned in his everyday life as a Dentist. Chidden, back on earth, a Dentist is someone whose job it is to throw their voice. You can ask any of the other adults if I am wrong. And so when he was close enough to the Inquisitors, the egg threw is voice and said: “Look an egg.” And since English was the only language he knew, except a little Mandarin, and some Esperanto, and of course hexadecimal which everyone back home speaks over tea.

When the Inquisitors heard this coming from their group, the realized that one of their own was a Twice-Lived and tortured him to death right there on the street. Then the Egg threw his voice again, and the inquisitors tortured the next inquisitor. And so on, and so on, until there was only one inquisitor left standing. That was when the egg threw his voice again, and the final inquisitor realized that he himself was the Twice-Lived and there was only one thing he could do, and that was to torture himself to death.

When the last inquisitor had cut off his own fingers, and stuck burning coals under his own testicles, and shoved spikes into his own shoulders, the egg continued happily down the road.

Exactly one hundred miles after he ran into the inquisition the egg saw horrible figures dressed in black cloaks that the wind never touched. There were twelve of them standing in the road. These were the fearsome Imperial chancellors who had come to track down the egg for their own nefarious purposes.

But the egg was undaunted. These horrible vampires were so busy arguing and fighting with each other. So busy fighting that even though they were here to capture an incredible prize — Something so valuable, so incredibly important, so impressive — a walking egg with arms and a top hat, who knew what powers it could bring.

They were so busy arguing and fighting with each other, that the egg walked right between their legs and they didn’t even notice.

So the egg continued north, and the weather turned cold and lonely, and finally, the egg came to the sea. And on the beach just out of sea were animals. The egg went up to the first animal and said “Hello?” And the animal said “arf.” and so the egg went up to the next animal and said “Hello?” And the animal said “arf.”

Despairing ever of finding someone to talk to and he was thinking about ending it all and poaching himself in the sea, the egg walked up to the next animal and said “Hello?”

And the animal said “Hello!”

So the egg introduced himself and said, “I am the Egg Man.”

And the animal said, “I am the Walrus.”

And together they said “Goo goo g' joob”

The End