> Private L. Jenkins PoV

“How do you like your first month in the City Guard, Jenkins?” (Hart)

“Could be better. I think the Sergeant has it out for me.” (Jenkins)

“Nah, I think he’s actually taken a liking to you. It only took you about 40 laps to get him to stop calling you Jerkins. I was chasing 200 by the time he stopped calling me Fart… “ (Hart)

“Cut the chatter back there!” (Squad Leader)

“Sir! Yes sir!” (Hart, Jenkins)

That was bad of us. We’re currently on patrol around the city with our 8-man squad, so idle chatter is unprofessional. If the Sergeant catches wind of this, it’ll be 20 more laps around the training grounds!

Honestly though, I’m actually really glad for doing all those laps. These patrol routes are loooong! Maybe Hart’s right and he wasn’t just being mean-spirited? It’s a bit hard to believe that, though. The Sergeant is seriously scary! During sword practice I can’t even hope to touch his shadow, let alone get a good strike on him! Admittedly I’ve never had to use a sword before coming to Runetap, but that’s besides the point.

I was technically a guard for 3 years back in my hometown of Nebrahoma. It was a quiet little place. No bandit raids, no goblin attacks, not even wolves that might bother the livestock. If was so peaceful and serene that it made me want to stab myself. I spent those 3 years standing at the gate without having to draw my sword even once! So I moved to the most exciting place I had heard of! They say anything can happen in this city, but so far it’s been nothing but boring patrols...

Becoming a guard may not be the smartest thing to do, but I’m not a smart man myself. I still want to help people, though. It was either this or become an adventurer, but for those with nothing but the clothes on their back it was an obvious choice! I get housing, I get training and I get arms and armor! I may not be smart, but I have pride in my wits you know!

“Hold!” (Squad Leader)

We stop on the Corporal’s sudden command. I raise my awareness, but I don’t see anything. It’s just an old run-down alley. Not even the road is paved. This is the third time Squad Leader has done this today. I wonder if he’s just testing us?

*RUMBLE*

“I-8! Back to back! Form pairs and mind your heels!” (Squad Leader)

Huh!? I-8? Was that the skeletons? No that was I-5… or was it I-6?

“Jenkins!” (Hart)

“Oof!” (Jenkins)

Hart slams into my back with his own! Right! This is no time to zone out, I unsheathe the blade from my waist and ready my shield.

“Hiss!” (Moleman)

Gyah! Something came out of the dirt! About the size of a dwarf, covered in black fur, with a protruding snout and three clawed arms attached to just under its neck! Looking around there’s a whole bunch of them popping up all at once!

Molemen! I-8 was a Moleman invasion!

“Yah!” (Hart)

*SLICE*

“Hraaahk!” (Moleman

I hear Hart taking on one of them behind me! Damn! Not even a week out of basic training and already a fight! Of all the luck! No, pull yourself together Jenkins! This sort of excitement is literally what you wanted!

“Eeyah! Hyah!” (Jenkins)

I start swinging my sword at the mole-like monster in front of me! I takes four swings, but I manage to kill it before it completely emerges from the ground! Another two come up out of the dirt next to it almost immediately!

“Stand your ground! Reinforcements should be on their way!” (Squad Leader)

That’s right, we can’t let these things run amok! If they spread out through the surface it’ll be bad! Who knows what sort of damage they’ll do! For now I’ll just have to keep cutting!

* * *

I was naive. I thought that first I-8 was an isolated case. In the two months I’ve been a guard here I’ve already been through three separate I-series incidents! First I-8, then an I-1 and just last week was an I-13! Just when I think things finally settled down, we get these damn things to deal with!

*THUD*

“Hissss!” (Mimic)

I firmly stabbed through the mimic pretending to be a cookie jar with the dagger I was issued. Telling the mimics and regular objects apart was difficult at first, but it gets easy once you realize they can’t stand perfectly still. They need to breathe, after all. I withdraw my dagger from the now shriveled-up cookie jar and take another hard look around.

*THUD*

“Hissss….” (Mimic)

This time it was a cutting board. Are you an idiot? You were literally asking to get stabbed like that! You must be an idiot!

Mimics can become anything so it’s annoying to hunt them down. Can’t leave them alone either or they’ll completely devour everything in the pantry! We’ll have to survive on crackers and water for days on end if we don’t thoroughly clean up this G-10!

*THUD*

…

Okay, that one’s just a regular block of firewood. Could’ve sworn it moved just then.. A-hah!

*THUD*

“SKREEEEEeeeee...” (Mimic?)

Huh? That was weird.

“Hey Hart! This one made a strange noise!” (Jenkins)

I call out to my partner who’s busy handling his own side.

“What was it!?” (Hart)

“A small end table!” (Jenkins)

“The noise, Jenkins!” (Hart)

“It screeched at me when I stabbed it!” (Jenkins)

“Then it’s not a mimic! Probably a piece of sentient furniture!” (Hart)

Now that he mentions it, the thing I stabbed isn’t shriveling up or bleeding. I think I remember something about that in the handbook...

“I-17, right?!” (Jenkins)

“Better check the other chairs and tables around here before you blurt that out! If you make a wrong call then you’ll end up with more assistant librarian duty!” (Hart)

“Good point!” (Jenkins)

That was close! You need at least 10 hostiles for it to qualify for an I-series incident! If a commanding officer heard me, I’d get punished for it! I fucking hate assistant librarian duty!

I made a spelling mistake on one of my W-1 forms recently so I had to spend the next week down there! I do not want to go back to that dismal place! I’m glad the Guard Captain was lenient since it was a minor mistake and my first offense!

Right, back to the task at hand!

*THUD*

“Hissssssssss! Hik! Hik hiss!” (Mimic)

“Woah there!” (Jenkins)

I unsheathe my longsword and take a stance with a double-handed grip. Dagger won’t be enough for this one!

“Hyup!” (Jenkins)

“HISSSHARAARAAaaraa…” (Mimic)

*CRASH SMASH*

Various pots, jars and plates fall to the ground and raise a racket!

“Jenkins?! You okay!?” (Hart)

“Yeah, fine! This time it was an entire shelf!” (Jenkins)

Damned crafty bastard. Most of them are idiots, but it’s these clever older ones that you gotta be careful about! The chest-high shelf impersonator wriggled weakly as it quickly bled to death from being sliced neatly in two.

Mimics die easy once you spot them, but I think I prefer the sentient furniture from earlier. The screech was a bit scary, but at least that end table didn’t thrash around while spraying yellow blood everywhere. Gross.

* * *

“Hold!” (Squad Leader)

Oh great. What is it this time? More undead rats coming out of the sewer?! I’d like at least one patrol to end without me having to fight something!

“Shields up! Squad, forward!” (Squad Leader)

All eight of us form a small shield wall and proceed down the wide street with caution. There seems to be a panic and it’s spreading to the people around us. This is bad. I hear people panicking. Runetap citizens are panicking.

This is seriously bad!

“Ah crap… S-3! Get the citizens to shelter! Go go go!” (Squad Leader)

A UFO!? Great! That’s just great! Of course it would happen! It was in the handbook after all! I look around us and see a giant flaming thing coming right towards the city from the northern skies! Huh? No, wait a second!

“Sir! Sir!” (Jenkins)

“What is it Jenkins!?” (Squad Leader)

“It won’t hit us sir! It’s going to pass overhead!” (Jenkins)

I point at the thing that’s falling down. I mean, if you look at it carefully it sort of looks like it’s going up! Means it’ll pass above us, right?!

“Oh! Brilliant observation! Perhaps you should be promoted to Captain!” (Squad Leader)

“R-Rea-” (Jenkins)

“Captain Obvious that is! Look closer, maggot! Parts of it are falling off! Those bits will definitely hit the city!” (Squad Leader)

“Yes sir! Sorry sir!” (Jenkins)

Damn… it’s going to be more laps for me later… Huh? What’s that light coming from nearby?!

Woah! A gigantic barrier formed nearby! It’s huge! Not even the City Guard battle-mages could make one that big! I can just see the top of it over the buildings, it looks like it safely deflected three flaming pieces that fell off from the UFO! That was amazing! Ah, they still caused quite a bit of damage to the surrounding buildings though, judging from those sounds and dust clouds.

Huh? Why is the Squad Leader making an annoyed face? This is a good thing, right?

“Great. She’s in town.” (Squad Leader)

I hear him mumbling about something as he stares at the disappearing barrier.

I SAID! LEAVE! ME! ALOOOOONE! (Unheard voice)

Wah! Something’s in my head! Judging from the faces of my squad mates, they ‘heard’ it to too! And now there’s a secondary panic coming from where that super-sized barrier was!

“Squad regroup and follow me! Quickly!” (Squad Leader)

We follow orders and start running through the streets towards the disturbance. Along the way I can barely hear the Squad Leader mumbling to himself again.

“Doesn’t look like it’ll be a K-18…” (Squad Leader)

* * *

“It’s not my fault! Honest!” (Pickpocket)

“Riiiight, so that merchant’s purse jumped into your hand all on its own, did it?” (Jenkins)

“Sure did! One of them, whatchamacallits! Mimics! Yeah!” (Pickpocket)

“Uh-huh. ‘Cept mimics aren’t actually full of gold.” (Jenkins)

“Well, uh, that is-” (Pickpocket)

“Longarm! Go drag this guy off to lockup. Show him his room, polite-like.” (Jenkins)

“Yes, sir!” (Longarm)

Longarm grabs the pickpocket and drags him off towards the keep. You’d never guess he was a dwarf guardsman. We don’t usually let them in since the height difference interferes with making shield formations. Especially if we have to turtle-up. Luckily for him, he’s way taller than your average dwarf. He’d almost pass for an extra-wide human if it wasn’t for the massive beard, disproportionately large arms and crippling alcoholism.

“The rest of you take a short break while Longarm is transporting the suspect.” (Jenkins)

“Sir, yes sir!” (Squad)

After nearly a year in Runetap, I finally got my own command. I heard the Sergeant really did take a liking to me back then and fought for my promotion. I should thank him properly and buy him a drink when we’re both off duty the next time. As long as it’s not that werewolf place. Last time I went there an angry dwarven lady punched my lights out...

Actually, I should be getting ready for Autumn. It should be here in a few more weeks. Thankfully they don’t expect us to patrol during the 13th month. Even Runetap’s City Guard isn’t that committed.

“I said! Get off! My lawn!” (Bones)

“Waah! Bones is coming! Run awaaay! Hahahaha!” (Small boy)

“Bones is gonna get youuu!” (Smaller boy)

Ah, old Bones and those kids are at it again. The ‘Lich King’ that tried to ‘invade’ with his ‘Army of the Damned’ from the north. Well that ‘army’ was really just three skeletal horses and a zombie boar. Almost called in an I-10 by mistake that day. Turns out he’s just an old necromancer’s skeleton that retained his memory. He wasn’t worth wasting a pair of [Shackles of Eternal Damnation] and not much of a threat. Plus he seemed reasonable, so we just let him off with a warning. Skeletons are fine, but zombies smell like you wouldn’t believe!

After we let him go, he decided sell some ancient artifacts he had on him and retire quietly. Probably made a sizable sum considering the nice house he bought. He keeps himself covered in a dark brown robe so that his bones don’t show, but it still clings to his ribs whenever he moves so it’s a wasted effort.

“Excuse me, mister. How come you’re always yelling at them?” (Little girl)

Hmm? This is odd, one of the brats actually stuck around this time. Usually they just hang around his property to annoy him then run away when he comes out screaming.

“Huh!? What’s it to you!? Just get away from me!” (Bones)

“But you look lonely, mister.” (Little girl)

“Lonely!? Me!? As if!” (Bones)

“I know you’re actually a little bit happy whenever the others come to play though…” (Little girl)

“Th-there’s no such thing!” (Bones)

“It’s not okay to be lonely, mister! You shouldn’t lose to whatever’s making you sad!” (Little girl)

“Bah humbug! Easy for you to say! You’re still alive! Damn brats! This is why the lot of you are-” (Bones)

The girl completely ignores his bad attitude and reaches into the little tote bag she’s carrying around.

“Here, have a cookie!” (Little girl)

Bones stops mid-rant with his jaw hanging wide open, staring at the cookie the little girl is holding out. She’s smiling brilliantly with her whole face while holding it with both of her tiny hands.

“Grandpa gave it to me, but you look like you need a snack more than I do!” (Little girl)

Bones regains his composure after a few seconds and turns his head away with a 'Harrumpf!'

“No thanks! Don’t want it! Not hungry!” (Bones)

“Huh? But it’s really yummy! You should try it!” (Little girl)

“... Eating is pointless you know? Taste, touch, smell... All of it is gone... It’s not a problem a single cookie can solve.” (Bones)

“Mommy says it’s all over if you give up! She says that when there’s a big problem, make it into smaller problems and deal with those!” (Little girl)

“...” (Bones)

“So! Please accept the cookie and cheer up, okay mister?! I’m sure it will work out!” (Little girl)

Wow, old Bones just reaches over and quietly grasps the cookie! That little brown-haired girl only looks to be about six or seven years old, but she says some good things, huh?

“Thank you.” (Bones)

“You’re very welcome, mister!” (Little girl)

“... Zain Looa Wong.” (Bones)

“Hmm? What’s that?” (Little girl)

“My name. Zain Looa Wong.” (Zain)

“I’m Sophie! Good to meet you mister Zain!” (Sophie)

Zain, huh? He never gave us his name so I had no idea. We just selfishly called him Bones since that’s all he has.

“Sophie! There you are! Come on, let’s go before we get in trouble for being late again!” (Older Girl)

A slightly older equally brown-haired girl showed up.

“Okay Big Sis! Bye mister Zain! I’ll come by to play some more later, okay?” (Sophie)

“…” (Zain)

The two girls run off down the street, going somewhere. Zain stares at them and then shifts his non-existent face back to the cookie in his bony fingers.

“Blasted brats. Think they know me? Bunch of hooligans. Trampling my precious lawn…” (Zain)

He keeps complaining under his breath as he walks back into his house and staring down at the cookie. It’s strange though. Even though he’s got nothing but a bleached skull, I still get the distinct impression he’s smiling right now.