《Homicidal Aliens are Invading and All I Got is This Stat Menu》01.06.26

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New York, Manhattan

1 week after Earth’s Victory (Known as EV Day)

Anya woke to a sharp beeping in her ear at roughly eight in the morning. She was in a luxury suite at the St. Regis, courtesy of the Mayor of New York City who, along with the owner of the St. Regis, said she could use it as much as she liked for as long as she liked, and that they were considering naming the suite after her if she approved.

Anya had lost track of the number of things people wanted to name after her in the few short days since her identity had become public. Parks, buildings, plazas, ships, streets, military bases, the list went on. She’d fallen into a blissful sleep last night after Immonen had helped her forget about all of the media and the flashbulbs of cameras and the schedules for interviews and debriefings and public appearances. It was the first chance they’d had alone together since she had left Earth, and they’d more than made up for lost time.

And now there was something, some beeping, like an alarm telling her to get up and get to class, or work, or some damn thing. She slapped the nightstand next to her, fumbled for the clock that wasn’t there, then sat up and glanced around her bleary-eyed and with her flaming red hair sticking out at all ends.

“Anya?” Immonen asked as he entered the bedroom.

“What’s that? Fire alarm?” she asked as she scanned the entirety of the St. Regis for any fires. There were none, just the body heat of its guests and staff, some concentrated heat sources down in the kitchens, nothing unusual.

“It’s them,” he said. “Open your menu.”

Anya tapped her bare chest, still half asleep, then saw what Immonen meant.

Her menu had some kind of overlay on it that blocked access to any of its normal functions, and the overlay read “PRIORITY MESSAGE.”

“Oh shit,” she said and threw on some pajamas and the robe the hotel had given her. There was a knocking at her door almost as soon as she did and Immonen went to go see who it was. There were some voices in the hall, and then they came back toward the bedroom. Immonen was joined by Pan, who had insisted on being near Anya as much as possible since her return, as well as Tori, who had pretty much said the same thing (as well as that MacDougal had insisted upon her being nearby to monitor Anya’s emotional state and provide support). They were both staying in one of the smaller suites nearby, and Tori wheeled in a room service cart that she had apparently already started digging in to.

“Anya! It’s those other aliens again!” Pan said as he clambered onto the bed.

“Pan said his ear started beeping all of a sudden,” Tori said as she came in. “Is it true? It’s those Engineer guys again?”

“This is a little different than last time, but yes, they’re the only ones who could shut the menu down like this,” Anya replied. Tori and Immonen sat down in a pair of armchairs nearby while Pan sidled up to Anya and held her arm gently in his claws. All three of them had their menus open and had tapped the “PRIORITY MESSAGE” button.

It stopped the beeping, and caused another message to display:

“COMMUNICATION WILL COMMENCE IN 90 SECONDS.”

“Think they’ll give us FTL?” Immonen asked.

“I doubt it,” Anya said. “They didn’t even want us to have the menus in the first place.”

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“They sounded like they wanted all of us to die with the bad aliens,” Tori said. She took a tall glass full of what was clearly a Bloody Mary and had a liberal swig.

“Aren’t you technically on duty?” Anya asked.

“Yeah but I’m trying to keep you relaxed,” Tori said.

“By drinking at 8:00 AM?”

“Me drinking is perfectly normal, and normalcy can help with emotional stability in times of stress or uncertainty,” Tori replied with the air of a lecturing professor. Anya snorted and rolled her eyes, but couldn’t deny that her friend was at least a little right: seeing her be at ease helped Anya do the same. Pan cuddling her arm and Immonen within arm’s reach were definitely helpful too.

“COMMUNICATION WILL COMMENCE IN 10 SECONDS,” the menu flashed.

“I should probably record this MacDougal. You mind?” Tori asked. Anya shook her head and gestured at her menu a second before it blinked out of existence and then Felix, Hoitaja, and Bee-Eff all appeared in front of Anya, Immonen, and Pan, respectively. The AIs faces were a cluster of static and flickering pixels, an eerie contrast to their normal plant-headed visages. Tori cursed quietly as she took out her phone and fumbled with it just as a voice began to emit from the AIs as one.

“Greetings, Hosts. This one is an Engineer of the menu-system you have made use of. Notification: This one is not the Engineer you spoke with previously, though it has reviewed all prior conversations with hosts and other Earthforms. This one would like to have information confirmed regarding recent events. Is this acceptable?”

“Yeah, why not?” Anya asked.

“This one thinks that negative causes could be: distrust of Engineers, mental exhaustion, misplaced anger, underdeveloped thinking skills, insanity——”

“It was rhetorical,” Anya said. “Yes we want to talk with you. Are you having a private conversation with us like last time or is this a global conversation?”

“Engineers such as this one have been designated to single hosts or collections based on physical proximity. This one has been assigned to three hosts,” the Engineer replied.

“Just like last time, then,” Immonen said.

“Correct. Confirm: complete eradication of hostile alien life within your solar system.”

“Yes. We think,” Anya said. “We killed all of the aliens that were trying to kill us that we know about.”

“Scans of the Sol system are correct, then. Gnosiphage population within Sol are at 0%. This one has had it suggested that congratulations for your planet and species are in order. Congratulations.”

“Gee, thanks,” Anya said.

“Thank you!” Pan said and tried to hug his hologram, then sighed when his stubby arms went through it.

“Data projections were overwhelmingly negative for Earth’s survival. 6% or lower. Please relay battle strategy that led to survival,” Engineer said. Anya sighed and told the alien creature on the other end of her hologram what she and Renn had done, while Immonen filled in the details of Earth’s direct defense——along with Pan——and then all three of them ended up detailing the final major battle in Antarctica together.

There was a long pause of silence when Anya, Immonen and Pan had finished.

Then, Engineer said, “This one is confirming your report of events with menu data. Please hold.”

“Do they think we’re lying?” Immonen asked as their AIs continued their stoic silence.

“Lying is that thing where you say stuff, but it isn’t real, right?” Pan asked.

“Yeah, pretty much,” Anya said.

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“But what we said was real. Is real,” Pan said.

“They’re aliens Pan. They may have wildly different expectations for how a species would react in extreme circumstances,” Immonen said.

“I guess,” Pan said.

“This one has confirmed the validity of your data,” Engineer said moments later. “Further confirmation is required.”

“Go ahead,” Anya sighed.

“You and the Earthform calling itself ‘Renn,’ went to the Gnosiphage carrier, despite the extremely low chance of personal survival. Why?”

“Because it would ensure a better survival rate for everybody else,” Anya shrugged.

“Logical, but notable among species who possess only individualistic consciousness,” Engineer said. “Your power output while destroying the majority of the phage carrier far exceeded imposed menu limitation parameters. Such actions carry a high rate of host termination. Renn also has engaged in parameter breaches, despite ill-effects on his long-term health. Explain.”

“Same deal: if it gave everybody else a better chance to survive, we’ll do it,” Anya said. She didn’t add that she really enjoyed going nova, duplicating herself and hitting her Battle Aura and blowing up what was essentially a continent.

“This one detects irregularities in your heartbeat and vocal patterns congruent with anxiety, nervousness, or lying. Please clarify,” Engineer said. Immonen and Tori glanced at her, but said nothing.

Pan stepped toward his AI and pointed at it with a long claw. “Anya wouldn’t lie!” he said.

“Pan, it’s okay. I’m not lying, I’m just…not saying everything,” Anya said and sighed. If the Engineer could use her menu to detect when she was lying, that wasn’t good. “I enjoyed the prospect of becoming stronger. Is that so surprising?”

“Normally, no. However, the power that you, Renn, and a number of other hosts has reached a point where it is dangerous to life around you and the structural stability of your planet. Despite your assertions that you are willing to risk your own safety for that of the majority, you show remarkable carelessness for that same safety regarding any threat you yourselves may pose. Engineers find this puzzling,” Engineer said.

“Further, this behavior is not limited to hosts. Several of you have accessed advanced technology and shared it with non-hosts, most notably resulting in the giant weapon attached to the singular moon orbiting your planet. Given human history, it is a logical conclusion that such a weapon could be turned on other members of your race due to various political and ideological disagreements. Is that accurate?”

Anya sighed and said, “It was a possibility that we were concerned about. What’s your point? Where’s this going?”

“This one is collecting data. That is the purpose of this one’s queries. Answers from you and other hosts and Earthforms will be used to decide whether or not to allow perpetual menu use, full menu access, removal of level-cap, or not. Planet quarantine and host cancellation are also a possibility.”

“Excuse me? What do those last two mean?” Immonen asked. His words were polite, but there was a sudden edge in his voice Anya had never heard before.

“Planet quarantine is the process of cutting off Earth and the whole of the Sol system from the rest of the galaxy, universe, etc. You will remain undisturbed by us, but will not be permitted to leave the confines of your system under any circumstances. Other sapient forms will be alerted to avoid your system due to the danger you impose. However, we will not stop any who enter, including possible future incursions by the phages.”

“Screw that,” Anya said.

“And the second one? Host cancellation?” Immonen asked.

“Menu functionality will be shut down. Hosts will no longer be able to access menus in any regard, and any menu skills previously granted will be reversed. This is not a death sentence. You will merely revert to your natural state, though the shock of losing the menu can have a negative impact on some species who have used it to advance above level 50 in any skill or skills.”

“What kind of negative impact?” Anya asked.

“Cessation of higher brain functionality.”

Anya grit her teeth. “So you’d be rendering every host fundamentally brain dead?”

“Potentially.”

“Fucker,” Anya sighed and bunched her fists into balls so tightly that her knuckles popped.

“Those are unlikely outcomes, never before seriously considered, and only done so now due to extreme circumstances.”

“What was so extreme?” Pan asked. “You wanted us to win, right?”

“This one is does not have access to what Elder Engineers desired regarding the assault of Earth. However, previous species granted menu access only had a survival rate of 25% if menu system was fully dispersed and full cooperation among the species was had along with any neighboring systems or sapient races.

“Earth has no immediate neighbors for several hundred light years. This would drop survival rate during a phage invasion by half. Second, menus did not fully integrate, and among those that did, most hosts did not survive. At the time of the final assault, roughly 1.4% of integrated hosts remained alive. For other races this one has experience with, this would have put survival rate at close to 0%. However, parameters were adjusted to account for Earthforms’ excessive tendency and aptitude toward violence to 6%.

“Still, it seems the estimates were too low. Elder Engineers predicted destruction of Earth and majority of phage assault force. Best-case scenario was total annihilation of both sides. Clarification: best-case scenario for both Earthforms and Engineers.”

“Jackass,” Anya muttered. If Engineer heard her, they didn’t acknowledge the insult as they continued.

“Elder Engineers did not anticipate survival of planet, Earthforms, and majority of hosts along with total annihilation of phages,” Engineer said. Anya noticed that the alien’s monotone cracked a little, and there was a slight quaver in their voice.

“Do your Elder Engineers usually overlook outcomes like this?” Immonen asked.

There was a pause, then, ”No. This was…an aberration.”

“Is that…good?” Anya asked.

“Normal conditions stipulate that menu-host species survival and destruction of gnosiphage assaults is a success and results in full integration and cooperation with Engineers and access to all menu features. However, as stated earlier, current conditions are extreme. Earthforms have demonstrated great capacity for destruction beyond predicted estimates. Elder Engineers have imposed temporary quarantine while further discussion is held.”

“So…we just have to wait for you to decide to kill us or not?” Anya asked.

“No. No killing will take place,” Engineer said.

“Not technically no. However, even though our races are entirely alien to one another, surely you can understand the difference between being alive only in the medical sense would seem as good as a death sentence to any sapient creature? Brain dead would be a total destruction of the self,” Immonen said.

“That is not a guaranteed outcome of Elder Engineer deliberation,” Engineer said.

“But it’s a possibility!” Anya snapped. “You just flick a switch from billions of light years away and we just fall over? Fuck that! We did what we had to do to survive, and now you’re going to punish us for it? How dare you.”

“You are concerned with survival. So are the Engineers. But all Engineers strive to make the best decisions, cause the least harm, do the most good. It is undecided if that course leads us to freeing Earthform hosts, containing them, ignoring them, or ending them. Only a few other races have displayed humanity’s predisposition to violence, and they have either been passed over for menu integration or destroyed by the gnosiphages. This situation is unknown to all Engineer, Elder and Novice.

“For now, Elder Engineer decision remains: temporary quarantine of the Sol system and all its lifeforms. Any attempt to breach the quarantine will be met with non-lethal force and a return to Earth, and be calculated in final decision process. Those Earthforms who escaped the system via sub-faster-than-light travel will be tracked via their menus and returned to Earth. Please anticipate Elder Engineers’ final response in ten-to-fifteen lunar cycles. Months,” Engineer said.

“Great,” Anya sighed.

“Do you have any queries for this one?” Engineer asked.

“Is there anyway we can contact you regularly? Or maybe get any updates on what the Elder Engineers are thinking? Any way to help our case?” Anya asked and Immonen nodded.

“Hold,” Engineer said. There was silence for a few long moments and then they added, “This one has clarified with Elder Engineers. There will be no further contact or advice given from any Engineer. Do as you will. Good-bye.”

“Dammit!” Anya said as all the AIs winked out of sight at the same moment. She, Tori, Immonen, and Pan sat in silence in the hotel room for several minutes.

“Well,” Tori said, “I guess that could’ve gone worse.”

“I was hoping it would go better,” Immonen sighed.

“Are we in trouble?” Pan asked. Anya hugged the stocky pangolin and he hugged her back.

“No,” Anya said, “but they’re gonna be if they try anything stupid.”

“We’ve done all we can to survive. I wouldn’t have done anything differently,” Immonen said and took Anya’s hand.

“I might’ve done a couple things a little differently but mostly…yeah. We kicked alien ass, we survived, we did what we had to,” Anya said as she squeezed his hand. Tori draped her arms over Anya’s broad shoulders from behind and kissed the top of her friend’s head.

“I’m proud of you,” Tori said. “Proud of everybody for showing them what humanity can do. And if it was too much for them, they can rot.”

“True enough,” Anya replied. She hugged Pan, Tori, and kissed Immonen deeply. Sitting there on the side of the bed in her suite in the St. Regis, surrounded by her friends and lover, it was easy to think that things would be okay. Anya could only do what she could do: live, survive, do the best with what she had, protect the people she loved, and damn the rest.

Whatever happened next she would face it, and she wouldn’t have to do it alone.

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