From The Washington Post (April 29th)

WHITE HOUSE CEMENTS WORST FEARS: ARMAGEDDON

In a statement to the American Public made late last night, at roughly the same exact time as other world leaders were making similar statements to their countries, President Hanover confirmed the worst possible scenario.

The aliens that invaded Earth in late February and have been responsible for so many deaths across the globe were not, in fact defeated in London earlier this week. An asteroid roughly as large as half of Texas in en route for a collision course with Earth. Worse, the asteroid is host to approximately 2 million of the hostile alien creatures. For comparison, only 100-150 of the alien lifeforms invaded in late February.

Regarding the asteroid, dubbed “Willis,” President Hanover had this to say:

“Know that as soon as we discovered Willis, plans and action were put into motion. Yesterday, Willis was larger than Australia and host to over 6 million aliens. Thanks to a joint effort between the French government and ourselves, particularly the heroic sacrifices of both Host Warden and Host Renn, the threat Willis poses has been downgraded significantly. Many have noticed the construction on the moon that began a few days ago. This is only one of several lines of defense that will guarantee not just the base survival of our planet, but its victory. Every government, every host, every asset and resource we have is being put to use now, to defend our home and destroy our common enemy.

“This is not the end of the world. This is our moment to come together in the face of catastrophe and emerge stronger than ever before. I will be instituting Martial Law for safety concerns, in every city and town across America. It will remain in effect until after May 3rd, which is the predicted day of impact. However, rest assured, that is not the day Willis will strike our planet, but the day we begin our celebrations.

“Until then, please do not do anything that would disrupt your neighborhoods or cause precious resources to be diverted away from the task at hand. We will persevere. God bless us all, and God bless America.”

The President’s statements were immediately followed by severe rioting in most major cities, though at the time of this writing, most uprisings have been subdued by the National Guard and local police.

From Chosun Ilbo (April 29th) (Translated from Korean)

EARTH’S DEFENSES REVEALED! WILL IT STOP THE ALIEN MENACE?

President Choi Yeong Beom addressed the nation in wake of a number of protests and public outcry for more information following the bombshell statement he had made the previous night regarding a secondary wave of alien invaders.

President Choi stated that he, along with Korea’s primary host, the self-styled KoreaMan, were working closely with America, China, and other nations to create a powerful series of defenses to protect our planet.

“I cannot go too much into detail, but the defenses are substantial. The first was the assault made by hosts Warden and Renn, which was successful, though not conclusive in itself. Willis will next encounter a powerful line of satellites, drones, and hosts geared for space combat. Next is what many have been commenting on: Lunar Base Alpha. The cannon being constructed will be more than capable of destroying what remains of the asteroid, and all aliens on it.

“However, in the event that some stragglers remain, a final defensive line of orbital weaponry is being put into place around Earth. It is more than capable of finishing the aliens off and any debris from the asteroid. If, by some horrible luck there are still surviving aliens after all that, they will be met by every host on this planet, armies of advanced drones, and all military forces of every nation equipped with the most powerful weaponry known to man in our storied history. You will be safe, you will be protected, and you will see the day of our triumph.”

KoreaMan was present at the announcement as well, in one of his few public appearances.

“I have been stationed at the moon! If the aliens make it that far, I’m going to knock them out of the sky. Fighting!”

Link: KoreaMan Flexes for thirty minutes

From Oni-Chan (鬼ちゃん), an on-line message and image board, sub-board /WN/ (World News)(April 30)

01239398: All right lads: the world will either be over in about 3 days or we’ll be responsible for killer a ton of aliens. What do?

52830202: I’m with my family. We’re just kinda hanging out. It’s actually pretty miserable. Is it weird I just wanna go back to my place and relax with some vidya? Even now?

19493033: Nah. I’m in the same boat. With my in-laws, everybody’s silent all the time. It’s like already being dead. I just wanna be cozy with my wife and dog and try to relax.

37029370: You guys suck. At least go out with a bang. Champagne, steak, hookers, drugs.

78292221: This guy gets it. *chowyunthumbsup.gif*

19493033: If these are the last days, I’d rather just have have some time with a few people, not a ton, or blown out f my mind and hung-over. And if we do win, then I’d rather not be bankrupt.

01239398: I’m buying myself a pretty great last meal. Prime rib, lobster tail, garlic mashed potatoes, some red wine. Not the most original, but it’s one of my faves.

52830202: God that sounds good. I know it sounds silly but I’d honestly kill for a pizza from the place near my old college. Not fancy, but damn. All we have here are TV dinners and nobody wants to go out and risk any roving mobs.

19493033: Sushi. My wife and I had it on our first date.

78292221: You guys are bumming me out. We’re not dead yet!

01239398: Dude. Asteroid the size of Texas. Two million killer aliens. I think the best case scenario is that the asteroid just deletes us in one go.

37029370: That’s what I’m saying! Go out with a bang, not a whimper. All my money is going to my end of the world party. If any anons wanna come, it’s gonna be in Vegas. Bellagio ball room #3. I’m booking it now. Show up at the door and use the number from this post as the password. My treat.

52830202: I might just take you up on that, anon.

Transcript from TalkBack: Views on the News with Brad Masterson(April 30th):

BRAD: Welcome back. My interviews with those heading the defense of our planet continues with a few very special guests. I’m joined via satellite with two hosts and a civilian who got swept up with them. From Australian we have Brody the shark and his non-host human friend Cooper, and from Brazil we have the host whose call-sign is “Vingador.” Gentlemen, welcome.

BRODY: Hey how ya doin?

COOPER: G’day! Or Good evenin’. What time is it there?

VINGADOR: Hello America and planet Earth!

BRAD: It’s early evening, Eastern Standard time, Mr. Cooper.

COOPER: Coop is fine, mate.

BRAD: Coop it is, then. Can you tell our audience where you all are right now?

BRODY: We’re in that big black thing.

COOPER: He means space.

VINGADOR: Specifically we’re at the outer defensive line. There’s a few other hosts here, but not many were set for deep space combat. We’re a few million miles past the moon.

BRAD: Can you tell us what makes you particularly able to fight in deep space?

VINGADOR: Well I have a giant robot that I pilot. It was practically made for this.

COOPER: Same for my power suit. It’s basically a smaller version of Vingy’s mecha.

BRODY: I can fight pretty much anywhere. I’m only wearing this damn helmet so you can hear my voice.

BRAD: And can you see Asteroid Willis right now?

VINGADOR: Oh yeah. It’s still about ten or twelve hours away, but it’ll be here soon enough. We’re ready though! I’m staring that asteroid down right now. Uh vai morrer! That’s for the aliens. They’re gonna die.

BRODY: F[BEEP]in’ A-right.

COOPER: Feel bad for the Lunar Base people. No action at all for them, eh?

BRAD: You all seem in pretty high spirits given the enormity of the threat rushing towards you.

COOPER: Well, you can’t see them, but we’ve got a few hundred orbital satellites from one of the American hosts. They’re each the size of a building and could blow a hole in the moon. There’s other hosts up here too, and a F[BEEP]k-load of robots.

BRAD: Well, I’d actually like to discuss what—

VINGADOR: I’m sorry Mr. Brad. Coop, do you see that? You may need to zoom in.

COOPER: Aaahh, yeah. Huh. That’s weird.

BRAD: Gentlemen? What’s happening?

BRODY: The asteroid is glowing a lot? That right? Seems pretty but bloody stupid.

VINGADOR: I’m sorry Mr. Brad, I have orders to contact some people if the situation changes. We’ll have to go.

COOPER: It’ll be fine. No worries!

BRODY: Do all asteroids do that?

BRAD: Gentlemen? Hello? Hello? I’m sorry, we seem to have lost contact with the hosts. We’re going to take a short break, and get right back to you with Director MacDougal of the USAIF, and maybe she can shed some light on these latest developments. See you after the break.