“I can’t allocate points either,” Anya said when Gary entered the medical bay. Both of them were still keeping their distance from Immonen for the time being. “The communications window still works fine and I’ve already messaged Sam and Pan. Renn said he’s on his way here with some others to check on the doc.”

“At least there’s that. And I can still access the skills I do have just fine,” Gary said.

“Same here,” Immonen said. “I’ve been healing myself and I’m feeling a bit better, but I’m not very adept at repairing psychic damage. Hard to say if that’s because of whatever is affecting our menus or just because that’s the way of things.”

“RAC store is down too,” Anya said. “What the hell is going on?”

“Maybe whoever sent the menus decided they don’t want us surviving the coming assault,” Gary said.

“That’s stupid! If they just wanted us to die there are easier ways to do it,” Anya said.

“I agree. It’s a very indirect and troublesome way of wiping out a planet for anything with technology this advanced,” Immonen added.

“Maybe it’s another glitch? These things were glitchy as hell when we first got them. The date of the initial invasion was off by a year, they didn’t integrate with people like they were supposed to, all kinds of stuff,” Anya said.

“Maybe. Or maybe the bad guys figured out how to finally screw directly with our menus,” Gary said. “And if that’s the case, the best we can do is go down swinging.”

“I’ll definitely take as many of the fuckers with me,” Anya said.

“So points aren’t working, AIs aren’t working, the RAC store is also not functional, anything else?” Immonen asked.

“I haven’t tried the host status menu yet,” Anya said. It had only been a few minutes since she’d noticed the loss of Felix, but she’d been so caught up by the loss of vital menu functionality that it hadn’t occurred to her. The status menu was probably the best source for any information and she, Gary, and Immonen brought theirs up at the same moment.

The Host Status menu showed each of them as they currently appeared, down to their clothes, and other basic information such as heart rate, breathing, blood pressure, and so on. There were tons of minute details on the side of the menu, and Anya scrolls through them until she spotted a progress bar.

The bar was labeled, “Menu Functionality,” and was about fifty-percent full.

“It’s a fucking update,” Anya said and felt a powerful urge to strangle whoever had designed this damn menu.

“It’s like my computer?” Immonen asked and actually laughed.

“Jesus Christ,” Gary sighed and took off his glasses to rub at his eyes. He tapped on the progress bar and more details appeared below it. “Translating to local dialect, decoding encryption, adjusting auditory language parameters…it sounds like it’s preparing a message.”

“Unlocking data cache,” Anya read from her menu. “It’s one of those things the AIs couldn’t access. God, when was the last one?”

“Around the time of the invasion, I think,” Immonen said.

“They’re sending us a message now? Probably to warn us about the assault wave. I swear to god I’m going to roast these other aliens for the pure frustration of sending us broken menus and not properly warning us and just…” Anya trailed off into a wordless grumbling and gritting of teeth as flames started to flicker at the corners of her eyes and out of her nostrils.

“Easy, kid. I feel you, but try not to blow us up, okay?” Gary said. Anya huffed and took a deep breath.

“I’m good,” she said.

“Your hair is smoking,” Immonen said.

“It just does that sometimes, I’m fine,” Anya snapped. Immonen chuckled.

“I’m letting the others know,” Gary said and typed out several rapid messages in the comms window.

“Sam’s already let MacDougal know,” Anya said as she checked her messages, she was about to check the status of the progress bar when her ear beeped.

“Felix?” she asked.

No response.

Then her AI, and Gary’s, and Immonen’s, and even Chell’s appeared. Chell was still unconscious, but her AI floated above her chest.

“Felix!” Anya said as her baby-bodied, rose-headed AI floated before her. Ever since their first appearance, Felix had exuded exuberance, awkward enthusiasm, and inappropriate levels of good cheer, regardless of circumstance. Their face had been almost cartoonishly animated and expressive in a way that bordered on the uncanny valley, but which Anya had come to find endearing.

But now, they weren’t. Felix’s face was neutral, a flat, lidded gaze and mouth that just hung open as though the holographic jaw were perfectly relaxed. Anya glanced at Gizmo and Hoitaja, Gary and Immonen’s gray and white AIs, as well as Chell’s pink one. All the holographic constructs had identical expressions.

“This is new,” Gary said.

“Hoitaja?” Immonen asked and waved a hand at his AI.

“Opening communication: please wait. This message is recorded. Opening communication: please wait. This——” all of the AIs said as one. The voice they emitted was not their own. At least, Anya knew Felix didn’t sound like that. The voice reflected the message: a flat, lifeless recording that was void of gender, feeling, or anything else a living creature might have.

Felix’s face, then Gizmo’s, Hoitaja’s, and Chell’s AI’s all vanished, leaving their various plant heads blank. A second later, a kind of visual static appeared: a shifting mosaic of pixels and dots that scrambled over the surface of the AIs’ heads. The combination of the surreal static over their blank faces and the lifeless recorded message made Anya’s skin crawl.

“Planet forms,” a new voice said as it cut off the recording. This voice had life to it: it was deep, of ambiguous gender, and had an edge to it.

“Uh, hello?” Anya asked. Several seconds ticked past before the AIs responded.

“Planet forms. Confirm?” the voice said, impatient.

“We’re from a planet, yeah,” Anya said and scowled. “Where the fuck are you from?”

“Confirmed,” the voice said. “Hostile alien reconnaissance wave defeated. Confirm?”

“Now just a god damn minute. If you are who I think you are, we have some questions for you,” Gary snapped.

“Translation processing. Hold,” the voice said. “Updating translation patterns.”

“I have to admit, this is not what I was hoping for,” Immonen said.

“Hold,” the voice said.

“Asshole,” Anya muttered. Seconds passed in silence before the voice returned. It was still deep and intimidating and somewhat inhuman, but the words sounded less robotic.

“Menu-users,” it said. “This one is a representative of the engineers who have bestowed the menu upon your species. This one is here to confer with you regarding recent developments of the past several cycles. Weeks.”

“Took your god damn time didn’t you?” Anya snapped. “Holy shit. Do you have any idea what the hell you’ve put us through?”

“Take it easy, kid,” Gary said.

“I swear to god——”

“Anya, perhaps it would be better to take another breath?” Immonen asked.

“Are you having the same conversation with all of the other hosts?” Gary asked as he put a hand on Anya’s shoulder. She took his and Immonen’s advice and leaned against the wall of the medical bay, fuming, arms across her chest and a finger tapping her bicep, but calming down as best she could. “Can they hear us all right now?”

“This one and others are conducting individual conversations with the other menu-users, but this one is only speaking to you four. Hosts? An acceptable title. This one will adapt to it,” the voice said.

“And what do we call you?” Immonen asked.

“Engineer, will do. It is a fitting title,” Engineer said.

“And you’re here to answer all of our questions?” Immonen asked.

“No. This one is here only to confirm data regarding recent events. Some of that may answer host questions, which is acceptable,” Engineer said.

“What data are you collecting?” Gary asked.

“Confirmation. You have destroyed all terrestrial signs of hostile alien life. Confirm?” Engineer asked.

“All aliens on or within the immediate vicinity of our planet, yeah, they’re dead,” Gary said. “Got a few million more on the way though.”

“Millions?” Engineer asked. “Hold. Checking AI record data. Oh. Yes. Millions.”

“Yes. Millions!” Anya said.

“Our menus have been very glitchy from the start. Anything you can tell us about that?” Gary said.

“Glitchy?” Engineer asked.

“Malfunctioning,” Gary clarified. “Our AIs gave us incorrect data about the alien invasion. Lots of locked data caches. Menus integrating with non-sapient life.”

“Malfunction? No. Impossible. Checking AI record data,” Engineer said. “Oh. Yes. Malfunction.”

“People died because you said we had a year to get ready and then we didn’t. We had days, and didn’t even know that until the aliens had already invaded!” Anya said.

“This planet. Earth?” the Engineer asked.

“Yeah! Where the hell did you think?” Anya asked.

“Mellarus-III,” Engineer said.

“Excuse me?” Immonen asked.

“The current shipment of menu systems was scheduled for Mellarus-III. It is in what you refer to as the second galactic quadrant of the Milky Way, or in the area of 90° ≤ l ≤ 180° of your galactic star charts.”

“You sent the menus to the wrong planet?” Anya asked.

“Hold,” Engineer said.

“Is this guy for fucking real?” Anya said and jerked a thumb at their static-faced AIs.

“I gotta say, this is a little disappointing,” Gary said.

“My head hurts,” Immonen sighed and leaned back into his pillows.

“Mellarus-III was destroyed,” Engineer said. “It and its sapient species were the original target for the existing shipment of menus. The menus were calibrated for the Mellarusians during initial construction. This one was not informed of the change until now.”

“So the menus we have were made for other aliens, not humans,” Anya clarified. “But their planet was destroyed…how?”

“The…hold,” Engineer said. Anya rolled her eyes but only had a moment before Engineer’s voice returned. “There is no single word for them in your language. I have constructed the word, ‘Gnosiphage,’ based on root words common to your speech.”

“Gnosiphage?” Anya asked.

“Knowledge eater, or something like that,” Immonen said. “The aliens. The bad ones.”

“Correct. The aggressive shape-changers. They are a plague. This one and other Engineers sent the menus to Mellarus-III to combat an encroaching wave of gnosiphages. They were scheduled to arrive within a year of your time. However, the planet had already been besieged and consumed by the phages from another corner of the galaxy. This one does not know how this was overlooked. The menu systems were remotely adjusted for human compatibility and redirected to Earth. Some mistakes were made due to the rushed nature of this decision.”

“So the glitches were all because we weren’t the planet or the species selected to get the menus in the first place,” Anya said.

“Correct. Earth was initially scanned for menu delivery but passed over due to…incompatible data.”

“And what data was incompatible?” Gary asked.

“Earth’s dominant sapient life-form was deemed too aggressive, too unstable, too dangerous to be granted menu access. High potential for creation of rapidly expanding violent species given advanced skills,” Engineer said.

Anya was about to tell Engineer she was not that fucking aggressive and if “that one” thought so they could shove their head up their ass, but realized this wouldn’t really help any and just scowled to herself.

“I can understand that,” Immonen said. “Though I don’t agree with it.”

“I do. Most folks are bastards,” Gary said.

“So why send the menus here at all?” Anya asked. “If we’re so incompatible, why not just leave us?”

“Possibility of mutual cancellation,” Engineer said. Anya blinked.

“You were hoping us and the gnosiphages would kill each other?” she asked.

“Correct.”

“You bastards!” Anya said.

“Scanning AI record data,” Engineer continued. “Current asteroid containing primary gnosiphage assault wave is identical to the one that destroyed Mellarus-III. Given loss over majority of menu shipment, loss of host life during reconnaissance wave, your survival chance is estimated at six percent.”

“Well if you don’t let us use the skills, yeah,” Anya said. “You’ve locked us out of the menu.”

“Menu functionality will be restored following this broadcast. Elder Engineers are discussing possible outcomes given recent events. AI data shows several hosts have gone off-world despite lack of faster-than-light options. Confirm?” Engineer asked.

“We haven’t seen anybody going off-world firsthand, but yeah, that’s what Felix said,” Anya replied. She considered lying to Engineer, telling them to fuck off, but if they could access all the data, there was little point. She’d only make herself and humanity look worse to the judgmental pricks.

“Confirmed. Thank you for your cooperation. Good-bye,” Engineer said.

“Wait!” Anya shouted, and so did Gary and Immonen.

“Holding,” Engineer said. “For what purpose?”

“We have so many questions, still,” Immonen said.

“You owe us explanations. We’re in this mess because of you,” Gary said.

“Clarify,” Engineer said.

“You sent the menus here to ‘defend Earth,’ but it’s like the gnosiphages only care about the menus. They’ve called us thieves, they’ve killed hundreds of thousands of people hunting us down. Because you sent us these things. If it weren’t for the menus we would be fine!” Anya snapped.

“Incorrect conclusion. Gnosiphages were already approaching your world prior to menu shipment. Reconnaissance wave hunted hosts to gather data, and make final assault more conclusive. They would have come regardless of menu presence,” Engineer replied.

“And since you passed Earth over for initial menu shipments, we would have just…” Immonen trailed off.

“Earth and its species would have been consumed. Elder Engineers dubbed this acceptable as alternative was questionable and unstable.”

“Better to let the crazy humans die than risk them getting off-world, huh?” Gary asked.

“Correct. However, new wave of gnosiphages responsible for destruction of Mellarus-III altered acceptable risk margins. Humans were approved. Reluctantly,” Engineer said.

“Wow, thank you so much,” Anya said.

“So can we get more menus? Or something else to help?” Immonen asked. “Due to your miscalculations, we’re still in a lot of trouble.”

“Negative. Elder Engineers have approved continued use of menus only. Should Earth survive assault wave, risk margins will be re-examined.”

“And what does that mean?” Anya demanded.

“This one is not informed of post-assault outcomes,” Engineer said. “But lock of all faster-than-light methods remains in effect.”

“Great,” Gary said.

“You’ve sent the menus to other races, obviously,” Immonen said. “Have they survived the gnosiphages?”

“Average survival rate is twelve percent with full menu dispersal and local cooperative efforts,” Engineer replied.

“Shit,” Anya said.

“Survivors are invited to…hold,” Engineer said. Anya, Gary, and Immonen stared at each other in the silence that followed and seemed to drag.

“This one is not authorized to elaborate on post-assault scenarios. This one has been ordered to cut communication until after the primary gnosiphage assault. Good-bye.”

“No!” Anya snapped, but the AIs all vanished at once.

“Dammit,” Gary said.

“Felix!” Anya said. There was a beat of silence, and then her AI appeared before her. Their face flickered with static for an instant, then returned to normal. Felix grinned at her. Even after all the news she had just heard, she couldn’t help but smile back at Felix’s animated face.

“Here I am!” They said. “What do you…oh wow. A data cache unlocked it’s…oh geez. Oh man. That’s a lot.”

“No shit,” Anya said.

“Gizmo,” Gary said and his gray AI returned.

“I just checked your new data cache and I’m ready! I’ve got the most killer skills laid out to mop the floor with those phages and send them into the sun!”

“Sure you do,” Gary muttered.

“Hoitaja?” Immonen said, and his white AI appeared and began babbling in Finnish. Immonen responded with the same and she vanished.

Anya’s ear started beeping and she saw she had tons of incoming messages from Samaira, Pan, Renn, Brody, Li Qiu, Amahle, Galtero, and more. Her phone was buzzing as well as MacDougal, Johnson, Ramierez, and Tori all started texting or calling her at once.

“Well, we sure as shit got our work cut out for us,” Gary said.

“God help us,” Immonen said.

Anya grit her teeth and clenched her fists. “Yeah. Nobody else is going to.”