《Homicidal Aliens are Invading and All I Got is This Stat Menu》01.05.02

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Anya did her bit in Honolulu over the next several days. In truth, there wasn’t much to do. Yai had grown the jungle back almost overnight and given the whole botanical ecosystem a boost in the process. Gary’s robots had cleared the worst of the rubble, built respectable temporary housing for the displaced, and were roughly 53% finished rebuilding the city, more structurally sound than it had been prior to the attack. Pan had fully stabilized the volcano immediately following the attack once he’d regained his strength, so really all he had to do was flatten out some of the lumpier bits of landscape that were still covered by volcanic rock.

Anya joined Gary’s robotic crew in moving the rubble aside, smashing it to bits, and of course, posing for cameras and giving fluff interviews as MacDougal had instructed. She also made a bit of a show of “calming” the volcano, though really she was doing no such thing. The volcano was calmed, problem over, but MacDougal said they needed footage.

Kalawai’a had a field day with all of it, acting as if she and she alone had repaired the island.

It wasn’t all bad, though.

Immonen had remained on Oahu to continue healing the wounded and anybody else who he could manage to see. Given his increased healing abilities, that was quite a lot. He kept busy in a converted baseball field seeing to the crowds that thronged to him while Anya took care of clearing debris in the city during the day.

But the after a few days when things had slowed down, he called her via the menu.

“You’ve got an incoming message from Dr. Immonen!” Felix said inside her ear. Twilight was painted across the sky in pale yellows and deep purples. Anya wasn’t the least bit tired, but had decided to call it a day. She sat atop one of the hotels that hadn’t been repaired yet, watching the ocean and the sun set behind it. Felix floated over her shoulder and Reggie lay in a loosely coiled circle beside her, half asleep.

“Garreth?” Anya asked, surprised. “Bring him up!”

“Uh, evening, Anya,” Immonen said as his face appeared. Anya enlarged the window and smiled at him. He hadn’t shaved in a few days, and a dark blond scruff had accumulated along his sharp jawline.

“So formal,” Anya replied. “What’s up, Doc?”

“Is that what that violent cartoon bunny says?”

“It is,” Anya said. “Figured I might as well get it out of the way.”

Immonen chuckled. “Are you busy?”

“Not anymore. And not at all really. Only busy is busy work. I think I actually get in the way of Gary’s robots, but they want me here, says it makes people feel better to see me fixing stuff instead of just blowing it up.”

“I can see that. Well, if it’s helping people, it’s not busy-work,” he said.

“You just made me feel a whole lot better about picking up hunks of concrete than I thought possible.”

“I’m glad, but that wasn’t why I called. I was wondering if you would finally like to get dinner tonight?”

Anya’s hearts sped up a little and she grinned. “I’d love to.”

“I will need an hour to clean up. But I’ll call you when I’m ready?” he asked.

“It’s a date,” Anya said and Immonen smiled at her and hung up. “Woo!”

“Oh boy!” Felix said. Reggie fully awoke and fluttered his wings, a curious mixture of yellows and purples in her head as he blinked at her.

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“Date night!” Anya said. “About time too.”

The days since Riley’s death had seemed like nothing but one sucker punch after another. There was still no sign of Omega, the news was still speculating about missing people in Portugal, and it seemed that anytime wanted to turn on the TV in the temporary housing on the island, she was met with Kawalai’a’s smug, grinning face.

But now she had a date. Her first in over a year, and quite a step up in pretty much every single department from her last.

“What did he do?” Anya wondered aloud about her last date as she floated off the roof of the hotel, Felix trailing behind her and Reggie gliding along. “I think he was in one of the multi-level marketing things. Spent the last half of our date trying to sign me up for essential oils or some shit.”

“Sounds like an informative date!” Felix said.

“He wasn’t informative, he was trying to use me to make money. He was an asshole. And he wasn’t even cute.”

“Why’d you go on a date with him?” Felix asked.

“Because I hadn’t been laid in a long time and Tori was trying to set me up with some other guy at work and that was just…not okay. Not my type, didn’t wanna mix work and personal relationships like that.”

“Is that why you never dated Tori?” Felix asked with his usual lack of tact.

“Well, she’s straight,” Anya said. “But even if she wasn’t, I wouldn’t have. She was my friend first, my only real friend, and I wouldn’t want to risk that. Plus I didn’t want to be the stereotypical country bumpkin who falls for the first person in the big city they meet. And at the time I was still kinda hoping Mama would accept me, but there was no way that was happening if I brought a girl home like that.”

She shrugged.

“I kinda get that,” Felix said. “So what’re you and Garreth gonna do on your date?”

“It’s about forty minutes to Brooklyn in the V-200. But I’ve been told not to leave the island for anything but an alien attack until the majority of the mess is tidied up. I think there’s a nice burger place nearby? I’ll think about it while I clean up.”

Anya paused as she entered the small shower. “Hey, you’re not gonna be recording everything are you?”

“I’ll be watching!” Felix said.

“No watching during dates,” she said.

“Is this a sex thing?”

“I’m not planning on anything happening but even if all we do is hold hands, it’s private. No watching,” Anya said.

“Okay!” Felix said. Anya nodded. The AI was good to their word. Now all she had to worry about was what to wear.

—————————————————————————————

Anya decided on something simple: bright red shorts, a t-shirt with colorful swirls across a white background, sunglasses, and sandals. It was Hawaii after all, and she might as well look like a tourist. She stood outside the temporary displacement housing Gary and the USAIF had arranged for survivors of the attack. Immonen had said he’d meet her there after he finished his rounds.

Anya waited at the outer perimeter of the temporary housing, and got more than a few looks. She’d only appeared in public or in photos wearing her full suit of armor and aquiline helmet, so she didn’t think anybody was going to recognize her. Still, she was a tall, muscular red-head in bright clothes and was pretty hard to miss.

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“Heya,” a young man with a dark tan, light brown hair, and wearing nothing but board-shorts said as he approached her. He had a couple friends behind him, and all three were carrying surfboards.

“Uh, hey,” Anya said.

“Me and my pals were gonna hit the beach for some later-afternoon waves. You surf?” he asked.

“No. I’m actually waiting on somebody already,” Anya said with a smile.

“Friend? Is she cute?” the man asked.

“He’s extremely cute,” Anya said with an emphasis on “He.”

Surfer-guy didn’t seem to mind the implication and continued, “Well can he surf? We could teach you.”

“Not interested. Thank you, though,” Anya said and then looked away from the young man. She caught a flicker of irritation on his face for an instant. Then a tall man in a white coat and with unkempt blond hair pulled back in a short ponytail appeared from behind a building. Immonen was escorting an older lady carrying a cane. She wasn’t using the cane for support, but just gripping it in her fist and laughing as she took energetic steps forward.

“You still shouldn’t exert yourself,” Immonen said to the old lady as she laughed. “The repair is permanent but you’re still quite old, so please be careful.”

“Think I could go dancing again?” she asked. “It’s been years.”

“Dancing should be fine,” Immonen said.

“Bless you, doctor,” the old lady said and patted his hand before she took off at a light jog. Anya grinned as she caught Immonen’s eye and waved. She didn’t miss the way he looked her up and down and grinned back.

“Hey you,” Anya said.

“Good evening,” Immonen said as he approached. He didn’t even notice the surfboard trio, and the one who had spoken to Anya glowered.

“Hey man, we were actually talking,” the young man said.

“No we weren’t,” Anya said.

“Is something wrong?” Immonen asked.

“Dude,” one of the young man’s friends said behind him. “That’s him. The doctor host.”

The young man looked at Immonen and his eyes widened.

“Hey man, sorry. I didn’t know,” he said and backed away. Anya scowled.

“Ah, I see,” Immonen said and looked between Anya and the young man as he turned and left in a hurry. Anya briefly considered doing something just to mess with him, like making the bottoms of his flip-flops catch on fire for a second.

Then she thought of MacDougal and Kalawai’a, and bad press. Anya had torched her mother’s lawn and that had been used against her. But even if she could get away with spooking the surfer trio, it wouldn’t be good for her. It’d be too easy to make that sort of thing a habit.

“Does that sort of thing happen regularly?” Immonen asked as they turned away.

“What, guys hitting on me? Not really. Granted, that’s mostly because ever since this happened,” Anya gestured at herself, “I’ve either been on the run, stuck in the middle of nowhere, or in meetings with old politicians and military people. There might have been one or two airmen in Alaska, but Samaira had to point them out to me. They were just making eyes or something, apparently had orders not to go near us.”

“And before ‘all this’?” Immonen asked and gestured at her.

“Oh,” Anya blushed. “I wasn’t this tall or this in-shape. Didn’t really catch a lot of eyes.”

“I doubt that,” Immonen replied. “You used the menu to change yourself? Not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course.”

“No, well, yes, but it was an accident. I upped my strength first, didn’t know about the option to keep your body static and then it turned me into a Wonder Woman stunt-double. You?”

“No, no changes. I spent all of my RAC on medicine and medical tech and gave it away to people I trusted to distribute it or reverse engineer it,” Immonen said. “Well, that and my egg vehicle.”

“Speaking of eggs, did you have any preferences for dinner?” Anya asked.

“Lady’s choice.”

“Good. I know just the place,” she said. “We’ll need to catch a ride. It’s not far, though. I was thinking of just flying there, sans vehicle. You okay with that?”

“Uh, I can’t fly,” Immonen said.

“I can lift you up. Just a little gravity adjustment.”

“Oh. I’ve had dreams about flying for quite awhile. Is it safe?”

“Perfectly.”

“All right. I trust you,” Immonen said with a smile. Anya smiled back and very gently lifted herself and the doctor off the ground. He flailed his arms a bit and kicked his feet out reflexively, then locked his knees and tensed.

“It’s okay, you’re not gonna fall,” Anya said. They were about twenty feet up in the air now and drawing stares from passers-by below. Flashes of cameras went off as they continued to rise.

“Okay. Okay I think I…do I need to do anything?” Immonen asked, his voice tense.

“Just relax,” Anya said, then she reached out and took his hand. “You’re always so uptight about things. I got you.”

“Okay. Okay. This is all just very strange,” Immonen said as he took her hand, then a deep breath, and began to relax. “It’s really something though. Lord, I really am flying.”

Anya soared across the pal-lined streets of Honolulu, past the edge of the city and along the beach. She could shoot herself through the air past the speed of sound, but she kept it at a leisurely 35 mph for Immonen’s sake. The wind was calm, no more of irritant than driving in a convertible, and balmy with the tropical weather, but still cool from the sea. There was a tang of salt to it, and the lush smell of the jungle. Immonen laughed as they soared onward.

“Don’t swallow any bugs!” Anya said.

“Is that something that happens?” Immonen asked and Anya nodded. He kept his lips sealed, but that didn’t keep him from grinning. It wasn’t a long flight, only a few minutes, before Anya set them down at the edge of a narrow road a few miles beyond the city.

They landed opposite a wide, one-story building made of thick wooden planks covered in peeling white paint. The roof was painted bright yellow, and thousands of seashells had been glued to it. It jutted out over a small hill and thick wooden posts extended down to the beach below to support it. Several surfboards were leaned up against the wall outside, still covered in dirt and grit from the beach. A faded wooden sign out front read “Uncle Greg’s Grill.”

Anya had landed far enough away that nobody had seen them land, and she and Immonen strode across the street, up a short flight of creaking wooden steps to the entrance. Anya didn’t fail to notice that Immonen was still holding her hand. He let go only to get the door and smiled as he waved her in.

The inside was a dark, russet orange from the sunset outside, otherwise lit only by squat candles on each table. The exception was a thin strip of halogen light from the kitchen against the left side of the restaurant. Said kitchen was a riot of sound: clattering pots, flares of fire, sizzling, shouts of orders, and the clear musical chime of somebody ringing a bell once an order was ready. The far side of the restaurant was open to the sea, and offered a perfect view to the southwest, the rolling waves, and the distant horizon. It smelled like meat, onions, butter, peppers, garlic, and citrus and Anya was drooling before the waiter even approached them.

“Well if the food is as good as the aroma and ambiance, I’ll be pretty happy,” Immonen said as they were escorted to a table by the windows.

“One of the USAIF agents on duty grew up in Waikiki, told me about this place. Said the fish tacos are pretty great,” Anya replied. The two of them studied the menu in silence for a few moments before the waiter came back. Immonen ordered the tacos while Anya ordered the three sets of tacos, two burgers, a salad, a grilled fillet of Ahi tuna, and three sides of fries and onion rings. The waiter only nodded, but Immonen had his eyebrows raised and a smile was creeping across his face.

“Can you actually eat all of that?”

“Oh yeah,” Anya said. “My food intake has shot through the roof since the changes. Every time I level up, pretty much. Thank god the USAIF pays me enough to afford this, or I’d have to rely on wasting RAC to feed myself.”

“I’d imagine you work up an appetite doing all that heavy lifting downtown.”

“Nah, it’s pretty easy,” Anya said. “Can we not talk about work?”

“Of course! Sorry. Years spent in medicine means it was pretty much the only thing I had time to talk about. Uh, let’s see, I think I heard somebody mention you visited your family recently?”

Anya made a face and Immonen winced.

“Is that also a bad topic?” he asked.

“Sorry, I’m being difficult,” Anya said. “My mom is just…kind of a giant asshole that used religion as an excuse to kick me out the door.”

“Oh,” Immonen said and looked aside, slightly nervous.

“Something wrong?”

“No, just…is religion a problem for you?”

“Not unless my mom’s using it like a hammer.”

“Ah. I am, I should say I have recently rediscovered my faith. I don’t want it to be an issue.”

“Are you gonna be mean to me or other people about it?”

“No?” Immonen said.

“Then it isn’t a problem, Garreth,” Anya said and smiled at him. “I’m an atheist. Is that gonna be an issue for you?”

“I don’t think so, no,” he said and smiled.

“So we’ve talked about work, family, and religion in the first, uh, five minutes of our first date. Politics is next, right?”

Immonen laughed and shook his head. “Please, no. I’ve done nothing but listen to bloviating politicians and representatives for weeks arguing over who gets to ‘borrow,’ me next.”

Anya wanted to ask him how that was going, but work was already something she had requested be off the table, so she didn’t press. Instead they talked about what they had done on the island besides work (not much, though both had visited the beaches a few times), how Garreth’s old hospital was doing (very well), how Pan had become something of an internet sensation and the best memes that had sprung up around him, and idle chit-chat.

When the food arrived, Immonen ate slowly, mostly watching Anya steamroll her way through one plate after another. He was telling her a story about the first time he and some other med students had gotten wildly drunk after passing their first exams freshman year when he paused as she finished off her fifth plate of food.

“Whaffu starin’ ah?” Anya said as she downed a mouthful of tacos. Immonen laughed.

“Trying to decide if it was more impressive when you knocked Alien Alpha a mile out to sea using a volcano, or that you have eaten more in the last few minutes than the entire restaurant,” he said and smiled.

“I’m sorry,” Anya said and blushed as she gulped down the bite. Immonen shook his head adamantly and grinned wider.

“I’m not poking fun. And you have nothing to apologize for. It’s just…how do I say this without sounding like a sap? You’re very certain. It’s attractive.”

“Because I just shoved a bunch of food in my mouth?”

“No…although the burger with the garlic mayonnaise is a very courageous choice for a first date,” Immonen said and smirked. “I mean everything. You knew, or at least had an idea, of what you were going to do to Big Al when you landed on the island. It’s why you told Pan to stay ready. You were one of the first hosts to contact the government, to go out searching for other hosts alone. You were the first American host to sign up with the USAIF.

“And yes. You are certain and confident enough to order spicy, aromatic food and eat to your heart’s content on a first date.”

“Yeah, uh, I haven’t sure about a damn thing since all this shit started,” Anya said. “And really second-guessing the fried chipotles on that fish taco now.”

Immonen smiled again and shook his head. “Maybe not. But you’ve given the impression that you are. And even if you weren’t, it only makes your actions that much more commendable. To take action when the outcome could be such a huge risk is very admirable.”

“Uh, thank you,” Anya said and looked aside. “That’s all ‘cause of my friend Tori’s advice. Fake it until you make it. I feel like I could’ve done more. Like you and all the healing.”

“Healing like this, it’s an easy thing. Nobody has scolded me for curing sickness. My neck has never been on the line from anything except the aliens. You, however, have had politicians, world leaders, and others hosts out for you. And you keep going.”

Anya didn’t know what else to say. After her mother disowning her, MacDougal and Kalawai’a dressing her down, Riley’s funeral, all of it, she felt like she’d done nothing but foul everything up. She’d spent the entire day literally picking up the pieces of her mess, every chunk of broken concrete a reminder that she’d been lucky more than skilled.

“Did I say something wrong?” Immonen asked. Anya looked up from the pile of plates in front of her and shook her head.

“No. Thank you. I needed that.”

They finished the meal with lighter conversation, and Anya paid when it was all done, insisting against Immonen’s wishes to treat her. She left a large tip as well, and the two flew leisurely back to the temporary housing. It was night now, and the remains of Honolulu glittered and sparkled against the waves behind it.

Anya set them both down a short distance away from the temporary housing and smiled at Immonen.

“So, decent first date?” she asked.

“I think so, yes,” he replied.

“Maybe after this is over, we have another one?”

“I’d like that.”

“Cool. Me too. Obviously, since I asked,” she said, aware she was starting to babble. Immonen took a step forward, leaned up, and gave her a soft, quick kiss on the lips.

“Have a good night, Anya,” he said and then leaned back and waved as he left. She waved back as he rounded the corner and soared into the air when he was out of sight.

“Woo!” Anya crowed, then shot off at speed through the night sky. She looped around a few buildings and landed with an exuberant thud near her own temporary domicile. She had left Reggie’s summoning stone inside, and the elemental promptly flew out of it and the igloo-like dwelling to greet her as she approached. He sensed her bright mood, and greeted her with a flood of happy yellows and lime-greens.

“Hey feather-face,” she said and scratched the serpent under his chin. “Felix you can come out now and resume normal functions.”

“Oh boy!” Felix said as he appeared while Anya entered her room. “How’d it go? Any intimate details?”

“He kissed me even though I ate garlic mayo,” Anya said.

“Is that good?”

“It’s pretty good. The garlic mayo wasn’t bad either.”

“That’s great! Is that a prerequisite for mating?”

“Ignoring that!” Anya said as she flopped onto her bed. It had been another slog of a day, but things were definitely improving.

“Incoming message from Samaira!” Felix said.

“Bring it up,” Anya replied and sat back up. Reggie curled himself around her shoulders and soaked in her ambient heat as a life-size window of Samaira’s face appeared.

“Oh! That was quick,” Samaira said. She was in her magical sailor uniform, somewhere on the planet where the sun was out.

“Everything okay?” Anya asked.

“Uh, yes. No,” Samaira corrected herself. “I’ve been instructed to order you that your relieved of duty in Honolulu, and to report immediately to Manila. In the Philippines.”

“I know where Manila is. What’s going on?” Anya asked.

“Another five towns have become deserted overnight and this is one of them. I’ve got Chell looking at another one on Jeju Island in Korea, and Pan is lending support to another group of hosts in Indonesia. I’m going to the last site in Okinawa.”

“Shit,” Anya said. She had really wanted to end the night on a good note. “What about Garreth?”

“Dr. Immonen will be going elsewhere at the behest of the Finnish government.”

“Where?”

“I don’t have that information. Are you on your way?” Samaira asked.

“Yeah, yeah, I got it, Sam,” Anya said. Samaira opened her mouth to say something, then closed it. “Something wrong?”

“I don’t want to sound like a jerk,” she said, “but I want to do a good job. I’ve been told I’m in charge of the American hosts and to…I have a rank now. I think for work, especially in serious situations, it’d be better of you called me Captain Upadhyay. Just officially.”

Anya raised her eyebrows.

“Captain, is it?” she asked. Samaira’s lips tightened but she only nodded.

“It is.”

“Well then, aye-aye, Cap’n,” Anya said and gave a flippant salute, then shut the comm window.

“Was that sarcasm?” Felix asked.

“Oh hell yes,” Anya said.

“I’m getting better at this!” Felix said.

“At least one of us is having a nice end to their evening,” Anya grumbled, then left the temporary apartment behind, climbed into her V-200, and left Honolulu behind.

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