Fizzy blinked a few times as she got used to her new surroundings, but the curtain of white refused to lift from her vision. She then realized that her eyes were working just fine, and that the endless sea of nothingness they were picking up was indeed real. Once she established that, it didn’t take a huge leap of logic to determine where she was or who had brought her here.

“Randy?” she called out.

“Right here, champ,” answered the God of Happenstance from behind her.

The golem turned around on her heel to behold a floating upside-down bucket made of pudding.

“Long time no see,” said Juliano in his typical jovial tone.

“Yeah, that’s one way of putting it. Oh, right, I should probably introduce you to- Huh? Plus? Minus?” she called out while knocking on her head. “You guys in there or what?”

But no matter how much she called out to them, be it verbally or mentally, her alter egos did not answer.

“Oh! Right, those guys!” suddenly exclaimed Irving. “I almost forgot about them!”

The Goddess of Chaos snapped some unseen extremity twice, and two more pure mithril dynamo golems appeared out of thin air on either side of Fizzy. They were almost completely identical to her aside from some minor differences in their faces. The one on her left had rounder, softer eyes and slightly pudgier cheeks, while the other had slightly more slanted eyes and a somewhat pointier chin. The latter one was also hunched over rather heavily with her arms dangling idly while the former stood upright and with dignity.

“Sorry about that you two,” said Jerome while waving his bucket handle around. “That was rude of me.”

“Oh! Mister Goddess of Instability, sir!” said Plus excitedly. “It’s so nice to finally meet you!”

“… ‘Nice’ isn’t the word I’d use,” groaned Minus.

It was then that Fizzy’s clones realized each other’s presence. Their gazes drifted between the deity, themselves, each other and the original as they processed what was going on. It was actually a bit creepy how perfectly in sync their heads and eyes moved.

“Okay, this is officially trippy,” mumbled the positively-charged one.

“I’ll say,” agreed her counterpart. “So what’s the deal, big guy? We dead or something?”

“You’re perfectly fine.”

“You sure? ‘Cus we got hit by that lightning thing head on.”

“We’re a dynamo golem, remember?” pointed out Plus. “Lightning doesn’t hurt us.”

“Then how do you explain that dark place we were just at?”

“Sorry, that’s my bad,” apologized Jubilee. “I forgot to take you two into account when I yanked Fizzy here out of your body.”

“Wait, did something happen to my glorious mithril frame?!” shouted the original.

“Nah, it’s fine. It’s just a tiny bit between dimensions. I’ll sort it out when I send you all back, don’t worry.”

“Uh, no. Sorry, but a ‘tiny bit between dimensions’ isn’t what I would call ‘fine.’ Not even remotely so,” she complained.

“You should’ve thought of that before you took a potshot at an unfathomably dense mass of mystical energy.”

“… He kind of has a point,” whispered Plus.

“I told you showing off too much was a bad idea,” grumbled her younger ‘sister.’

“That crown thing was pretty badass though.”

“Meh. My idea was way better.”

“I don’t think the stoneborn would appreciate us murdering their steward with the royal crown, Minus. That’s not how you make friends.”

“We don’t need friends though. We need fodder.”

A loud clapping noise suddenly echoed throughout the divine space, putting a stop to their discussion.

“Okay, that’s enough you two,” spoke up the God of Randomness. “I need to have a word with your boss here, so could you girls go play over there somewhere for the moment? It’s serious God stuff and, no offense, but you two would only get in the way.”

“Well, I guess we might as well enjoy this break while we can. C’mon, sis! Let’s see if these babies move as good as the real thing!”

“… Yeah, okay. I guess this beats being backseat drivers all the time.”

The two Parallel entities continued chatting and bickering as they dashed off into the infinite white void. Fizzy saw them off with a small wave of her hand before turning her attention back to her self-appointed patron deity.

“Are those two going to be fine?” she asked with genuine concern in her voice.

“Why wouldn’t they be? It’s not like there’s any monsters or anything around here.”

“In the future, I mean. Plus is mostly cool with her situation, but Minus is kind of restless all the time.”

“Ah, I see. You’re worried whether internal conflict might literally tear you apart.”

“Something like that, yeah.”

“Normally it’s something to look out for with Parallel Plot, but I have a feeling you’ll find a way to handle it. Who knows? Something good might happen if you got yourself an Ultimate Skill or if you stick around my Hero long enough.”

“Is that you giving me advice or are you just doing the whole ‘non-zero chance’ thing?”

“You say that as if they’re different things,” answered Lydia with a wink. Or well, at least as much of a wink as a nonsensical piece of confectionary could make.

“Uh-huh. You know, I more or less expected to run into you down there. Just not quite so… in person.”

“You did, did you? Heh. Must be losing my touch.”

“Not really. It’s just that all the weird coincidences and bizarre goings on are the sort of stuff that’s right up your alley.”

“Don’t be like that. I’m not responsible for every absurd thing that happens on this world.”

“Sure you’re not,” said the golem, her voice dripping with scepticism. “Also fish fly backwards and oxen handle the wolves’ accounting. What else is new?”

“No, for real. I actually had very little to do with this,” insisted the sentient bucket. “This entire thing is just me taking advantage of a situation that presented itself.”

“Like what? You want to claim the Realmstone for yourself through me or something?”

“Oh, fuck no!” exclaimed Kenny. “I’m not gonna mess with that thing. The entire continent could sink into the ocean if I tried that, and that’s not the kind of deity that I am. Well, not on purpose, at the very least.”

“… You can do that sort of thing?”

“Everything is possible if you throw enough mana at it. In theory, anyway,” argued the Goddess of Chance. “And that thing those stone-headed shorties call the ‘Realmstone?’ That’s the thing responsible for regulating the magic levels throughout the entire western continent. It definitely has enough juice to do the job, but there’s nobody who can actually control it.”

“The stoneborn and Katya seem to think otherwise.”

“Yeah, but they’re wrong, so that doesn’t really matter, does it?”

“They are? But isn’t it just a massive dungeon core?”

Granted, Fizzy had very little idea how those things worked, but a mortal claiming ownership of one of those was hardly a new concept to her.

“Almost, but not quite! The only reason it looks like a dungeon core is because Goroth used it as a basis when he created those things. All those fancy functions they have are a result of each member of the pantheon pitching in to kit them out. The Monster Spawner thing is my handiwork, by the way. Oops, getting a bit sidetracked there. Point is, the only thing the Realmstone is good for is taking spent mana out of the surface, freshening it up and pumping it back out again. Sort of like the world itself breathing in and out.”

The bucket-shaped dessert leaned closer to Fizzy, then added with a serious tone.

“And nobody - not even us gods - can interfere with its operation.”

Ashley pulled away from Fizzy, then let out a tired sigh.

“I say, do you mind blinking for me? It’s awfully hard to be dramatic when I’m a weirdly shaped piece of pudding.”

“Oh. Uh, sure,” said the golem while she complied with his request. “That better?”

“I don’t know, purple really isn’t my color.”

“How about now?”

“I like the blue fish legs, but those windows are a bit much.”

“And now?”

“Eh, this’ll do,” said the oak tree made of sand. “I gotta say though, that unceasing glare of yours is a bit freaky.”

“Yeah, well, I broke the habit of blinking all the time ever since I realized I don’t need to bother with it anymore. I just do it every now and then when I feel it’s appropriate.”

“Great, now you have me blinking manually. Thanks for that.”

“Sorry. Anyway, about the Realmstone - if even the gods can’t touch it, then how come the stoneborn royal family could?”

“It just responds to and resonates with them, I guess?” answered the tree while shrugging its branches.

“You guess?”

“Hey, I’m not omniscient. I didn’t even know how bad things had gotten down there until you showed up. Even Goroth had no idea.”

“But… he still has servants among the stoneborn, right?” asked the golem in a confused manner. “They might be few in number, but I’m just one Paladin. Even if the faith is in decline, shouldn’t he be more familiar with the situation than you or me?”

“Yes, and no,” replied Garet while shaking his branches. “Thing is, Goroth has a lot - and I mean a lot - of followers. It’s impossible for him to hear the pleas and prayers of a select few when he has thousands upon thousands shouting in his ear all the time. Especially when said few grow quieter and quieter with each attempt. Me, I keep myself a small handful of legitimate followers. There’s only 835 of you lot spread out throughout the entire world, you know. Much easier to keep track of.”

“Oh, so it’s the old quality over quantity, huh? I think I get it now - it’s like you have spies everywhere.”

“Exactly. That’s not to say Goroth’s way of handling his faithful is wrong or anything, though. Ensuring their religion is spread as wide as possible is very much the right sort of thinking a god should have, but the downside to that is minorities in remote areas can slip through the cracks.That’s why Goroth was honestly kind of blind to there even being a problem down there. Which makes the stoneborn royal family’s demise sort of a good thing in the long run. They’d probably wipe out their precious capital if they tried uncorking the Realmstone without old brick-face around to look out for them.”

“Huh? But they said they relied on it in time of need.”

“Yeah, right,” scoffed Charlie. “What those desperate idiots did was the equivalent of a snot nosed brat throwing a rock at a hornet’s nest and hoping the angry insects would ignore him and attack the bear that’s chasing him instead. Do you even have any idea what would happen if we let the Realmstone’s raw, unbridled power wash over them?”

“Uh… A calamity?”

“Exactamundo! Their entire capital could’ve been vaporized at the very least. They’re just lucky their patron deity was around to steer all that magical energy into a positive direction every time they tried it.”

“But you just said you can’t interfere with it…”

“Not with the thing itself, but it is possible to hijack the magical energy it farts out. To continue my metaphor from earlier, it falls to us to steer the hornets away from the snot-nosed brat. Little trick that Lunar came up with ages ago. Admittedly the timing involved is a bitch to pull off, but it’s not too difficult for us gods if we really try.”

“I see… and because Goroth interfered every time behind the scenes, they had no idea how dangerous the thing they were playing with truly was. No wonder they all seem like they’re waiting for someone to come and save them. The fact that he set himself up as the ‘only’ God is pretty questionable as well.”

“Everyone makes mistakes,” shrugged Gabriel. “The guy was young and foolish back then, so cut him some slack. I already gave him more than enough shit to make sure he didn’t mess things up with the dwarves. Granted, he didn’t appreciate my, uh, constructive criticism, but he definitely learned his lesson.”

“I guess that’s fair. What about the Boneshaper and the Iron King? How’d they factor into this mess?”

“Heh. ‘They’ indeed.”

“… They’re one and the same?!” blurted out the wide-eyed golem.

“Think what you will,” declared the God of Gambling. “I’m not giving away any more hints. Wouldn’t be much fun if I did that.”

“Humpf. Cryptic bastard.”

“That’s why you love me, sparkle-butt.”

“So what’s all this about, then?” asked Fizzy in an attempt to get them back on track. “I doubt you pulled me up here just to have a chat.”

“Right, here’s the thing then. That tin rival of yours is on the shit list of over half the pantheon.”

“Wow. She pissed off that many of them?”

“I know, right? She violated Axel’s taboo when she killed off stoneborn trying to surrender, and although Solus is struggling a bit, he doesn’t appreciate her genocidal practices. Zephyra’s still pissed off at her experiments from before she went into hiding, and Goroth doesn’t appreciate his people getting picked on by an otherworlder.”

“What about you?” asked Fizzy uneasily. “I imagine you find her pretty interesting.”

“I did. Once. This version of her is way too stale and stubborn, though. Not to mention I don’t appreciate her manhandling you like that. I personally made you my Champion, so that really ticked me off. Bottom line is, I totes got your back, fam. As do four other gods. Hence why we’ve decided to officially support this one-golem crusade of yours.”

“Wait, what? But I was only saying those things to get the public riled up! I made up at least half of it on the spot!"

“Words spoken aloud are like thrown stones, and one should never underestimate the weight behind them,” said Salvador with a heavy tone. “You claim you were just winging it, but the Gods do not respond to half-assed sentiments like those.”

“But I lied about a bunch of things!”

“Just shut up and accept a divine favor when you’re given one, will you?”

“Yeah, good point… I have to ask though, and not that I’m ungrateful or anything, but this support of yours isn’t going to be solely of the moral variety, is it?”

“Oh no, we’ll lend you an actual helping hand. Wouldn’t be much of an officially sanctioned crusade if we Gods didn’t make our power known and all that. You’ll be able to bestow a bunch of awesome power on anyone you think can help you stand up to that problem of ours. Yourself included.”

“That’s good to hear. To be honest, those stoneborn will need all the help they can get. They’re all so… pathetic and weak. There’s no way Katya’s shenanigans would’ve lasted on the surface.”

“Yeah. Low average monster Level down there. That and their idiotic isolationist policy keeps them from unlocking their full potential as a species. See if you can’t do anything about that second thing, by the way.”

“The world would be a lot more interesting if the stoneborn were running around free, right?”

“Indeed. Well, that and getting them to make a tunnel to the surface is your best bet of meeting back up with Boxxy in a timely manner. I mean I could theoretically zap you over there, but that’d be cheating. And we don’t want that, do we?”

“Right… How is that bastard of a box doing without me, by the way?”

“Pretty good, considering it died and came back to life.”

“It did what?!”

“Oh yeah. It actually bit the big one. Even tried to bribe Mortimer into letting it return to life. That bag-o-bones was having none of it, but Boxxy still managed to slip out of his grasp. It’s not even undead! If anything, I’d say it’s livelier now than it was before!”

“Heh. Hehehahaha!” cackled Fizzy. “That certainly seems like something Boxxy would do! Ahhh-hahahahaha!”

She knew Boxxy was alive thanks to Katya’s surveilance cameras, but she had no idea what had actually happened to it. She just sort of assumed Ambrosia had somehow been mistaken or misled, and that the reports of the shapeshifter’s demise had been greatly exaggerated. It was a long shot, but much more likely than literally coming back from the dead. Then again, the fact that she didn’t seriously consider that outcome showed she was still underestimating that Mimic’s propensity for the ridiculous.

“Oh, wow! Phew! Okay!” she exclaimed as her fits of laughter died down. “Guess I should up the scale on my What-The-Fuck-O-Meter™ before I get back up there, huh?”

“I think that would be for the best,” said Timothy in good humor. “Right now, however, I do believe you have an expedition to organize. Just remember to blast the big glowy whatchamacallit when you get back.”

“… Didn’t you just more or less tell me not to do that?”

“I don’t like it either, but we’ll need the raw juice to make this crusade thing work since it’s hard for us to exert our divine influence of that godless area. It’ll also only last for about… twenty? Is it twenty? Yeah, twenty days. So make sure you wrap things up before then.”

“Got it. Will do. And thanks for setting all this up, Killinger.”

“Eeeey, don’t mention it. Knock ‘em dead out there, champ!”

“Aye, sir!”

*Snap*

Darrell snapped his grainy leaves, sending Fizzy back into the mortal realm. She returned to the stoneborn throne room the same way she had left - in a flash of red lightning. She rose from the kneeling position she arrived in and looked around. All of the nobles were still in their spots, and Kragiel was still standing near the doorway with that stupid look on her face.

“Aw, man! I was just about to win that wrestling contest!” complained Plus.

“Oh, great. Back here again,” grumbled Minus.

“How long was I gone?” asked Fizzy out loud.

“Uh… like ten seconds, I guess?” replied a confused looking Kragiel. “What was that? Where did you even go? What happened just now?”

“Nothing much,” stated the golem with a smirk. “I was just stacking the odds a little.”

She then lifted her right arm skywards and fired her Magitech Cannon upon the Realmstone once more. Her shot hit just the same as before, though the thing that came out of it wasn’t red lightning. It was a frighteningly bright pillar of light blue energy that fell upon the Paladin like a waterfall. The extremely flashy display continued for a few seconds, during which Fizzy’s audience were forced to either shield their eyes or flee the scene.

When the light finally subsided, the Paladin was met by a series of very promising notifications.

You have been recognized as High Templar of the First Underworld Crusade.

Feat of strength performed! You have unlocked a new Perk: Instrument of the Gods. FTH +55.

You have learned a new Spell: God of Earth’s Divine Protection.

You have learned a new Spell: War’s Righteous Might.

You have learned a new Spell: Boundless Reserves.

You have learned a new Spell: Lifebinder’s Seal.

You have learned a new Spell: Physics Be Damned.

“Well, then,” she spoke up with a smile on her face and her hands on her hips. “Do any of you geezers have any further complaints regarding my intentions?”

The two senators that still remained frantically shook their heads. As for the steward, he had passed out in his chair. It would appear the excitement brought on by that divine intervention had been too much for him to bear.

“Wise choice,” nodded Fizzy. “Well then, I’ll go outside to make sure the crowd doesn’t go batshit crazy. Toodles!”

The golem then strode out of the throne room with her head held high. The remaining nobles shared a few difficult looks and retreated beyond the curtains of their balconies. Kragiel, on the other hand, was left scratching her cheek. She then caught a glimmer out of the corner of her eye, drawing her graze to the carving in the center of the throne room’s floor. The same one that now depicted a white knight clad in a blue aura fighting off an army of metal men.

“I know she mentioned making waves,” she smiled to herself, “but that’s a bloody tsunami if ever I’ve seen one.”

And no, she hadn’t actually seen one. She had no idea what a tsunami actually was, but she was already used to strange words rolling off her tongue without her realizing it. Those messed up dreams that made no sense were another matter altogether though. Especially the one where she was skipping rope with a lion, a witch, and a wardrobe while they fervently argued over whether red or blue hedgehogs were better.

That one was just weird.