Hi Sev,

I hope you are doing well. On my end, I might have gotten in some trouble. Things are hectic right now, and I did a few things that I should have handled better. It’s astonishing how different everything is. Procedures have remained mostly the same, but the way they are interpreted is unexpected. Or maybe it’s just me? I guess having a human body makes me think about these things. Actions that seemed trivial when I was a ship now have consequences.

The mission I’m part of is incredible. I wish you could be here, even if you’d probably spend most of the time grumbling. Deep down, you would like it, though. I took a few pictures. Hopefully the fleet will clear them for personal use. If I’m lucky, I might be able to get a souvenir. We’ll see.

“Hey, Elcy,” a voice said from the door. I looked up from my bed to see Elec standing there.

“Hey.” I was seriously going to reconsider my open door policy. When I was a ship, my lack of privacy was never an issue, yet back then I knew where everyone else was. Now I didn’t. “Mission update?”

“No.” He shook his head. “Let’s have a bite at the canteen.” This wouldn’t have been the first time someone had asked me out. Elec’s expression, though, told me this wasn’t the case.

“Sure.” I put my datapad down. “Give me a minute to get dressed.”

The cadet nodded, then stepped into the corridor. I waited for the door to close, then changed into my uniform. Glancing at my sandals, I was tempted to skip the socks and shoes. After being in a spacesuit for a day, it would be nice to walk about barefoot.

Maybe next time. I was in too much trouble to attract attention to myself. Fully dressed, I did a final check to be sure I wasn’t breaking any regulations, then joined Elec outside.

The walk to the canteen was awkwardly quiet. Elec strode forward, almost entirely ignoring my presence, while I rushed to catch up. The fact annoyed me slightly, reminding me how short I was and would remain for the rest of my life. In theory, the fleet allowed for body modifications, so it was possible to request for a new body once I became a full fleet officer. Something to look forward to, assuming things went well.

“The doc is a funny character,” I broke the silence.

To be honest, the talk with Doctor Sim had taken a serious turn. I still wasn’t sure whether discussing my anomalous memory experience hadn’t been a mistake. He had assured me he’d keep the whole thing between us, but he might just as well have told command already. Accessing blocked memories was one step closer to going rogue, and that was something everyone wanted to avoid. Ironically, my human state was the reason I could rely on some leniency. Had this happened when I was in my previous shape, I’d have had my subroutine access shut down and been escorted to the nearest shipyard to be stripped down, scanned, and analyzed.

The idea of rogue ships had always been considered one of humanity’s greatest threats. There were hundreds of fleet procedures that addressed the issue, even if there hadn’t been a single case of a ship going fully rogue. Regardless, it remained a topic best avoided. The theoretical process was divided into fourteen phases: from memory issues to full insubordination. Access to blocked memories was considered a phase two and, to my knowledge, this also hadn’t happened to anyone else. Doctor Sim had endured me that there probably was some other explanation for it, possibly relating to my access to the third contact artifacts. That hadn’t made me feel any better.

“I think he might have missed his true vocation.” I made another attempt to lighten the mood.

“Haven’t we all?” Elec whispered under his breath.

The canteen was empty when we got there. Most of the crew had probably taken their food to their labs. Considering what they had to research, I wouldn’t be surprised if Prometheus had created space dispensers directly in the work quarters. I would have thought that part of the maintenance personnel would be here, though.

“What do you want?” the cadet asked with the joy of a teenager forced to take babysit a toddler on a party night.

“Anything is fine.” It probably didn’t matter what I said anyway.

I sat at the nearest table and watched Elec get two packets of orange juice. Apparently, he wasn’t in a mood for food either.

“Here.” He put mine on the table then sat down facing me.

“Thanks.” I peeled off the wrapper and took a sip. The taste was sweeter than I was used to and completely different from the real thing. “So, how bad is it?” If he wasn’t going to take the initiative, then I might as well.

Elec stared at me for a long three seconds, then shook his head again. My question had managed to get him to crack a smile.

“Very.” He drummed on his drink packet with his fingers. “Very bad.”

“Okay.” I took another sip.

“You really don’t care, do you?”

“Of course I care, but I’m just a ship.” Besides, I’ve gone through this once before.

“You’ve just seen it all a thousand times.” His expression remained somber. “I still have to talk with you about it.”

You don’t like doing this, do you? From Elec’s file, I could see that his performance was just short of exemplary. Unlike me, he strived for a command position and had the personality to match. As senior cadet, he was also responsible for me, even if by loose standards. I could see how my actions could affect his future career, although, based on his body language, there was more to it than that.

“Is my head on the chopping block?” I asked.

“Not as far as I know.” That was a relief. “But you’re in deep. I heard the XO ask what regulations say about cadet court martial. He didn’t say it was related to you, but knowing him... he doesn’t do anything without a reason, and he isn’t the curious type.”

“I don’t blame him. It’s a complicated one.” I had already checked. As a cadet, I couldn’t be court martialed since I didn’t have any actual fleet authority. As a battleship, however, I could be brought up on equivalent charges. “I don’t suppose it’ll help if I say I’ll try to behave from now on?”

“I was given access to your file.” He looked me in the eye. “A lot was blacked out, but even what wasn’t...” his voice trailed off. “I don’t know how I’m to talk to you. I knew you were a ship when you came, but with your past being sealed, all I saw was a little scrawny girl that gave everyone a headache. I knew you’d seen action, but it never really registered. Now when I look at you, I see... I’m not even sure what I see.”

“I’m just Elcy.” I shrugged. “A battleship that has lost some weight.”

Poor kid. Someone probably ordered that he have this conversation with me as a good way to practice his people skills. Ironically, all my previous captains were terrible in that area. My first captain was too hard, my third caption was too soft, and my last captain had so few subordinates, when at all, that she considered them family.

“There was talk about blasting you back to the academy, but you’re too vital for this mission.”

“I’ll try not to take advantage of the fact too much.” At least it was nice knowing that someone valued me as a tool. “I guess that means I’ll be going back down in a few hours?”

“Sooner. They’ve cleared most of the dome and want you down there for that.”

“And after the mission?”

The pause told me everything I needed to know. They needed my skills, not my attitude. Being a ship for so long, I couldn’t distinguish between the two. Apparently I had learned nothing since my appeals trial.

“I’m not sure.” Elec looked away. “Shiala won’t stay for certain, though.”

“Hmm?” I tilted my head. That was a surprise. “What happened?”

“He had issues with the consent mail. Made a huge fuss about it.”

“He told me that he signed it before the start of the mission.” Why would Shiala lie?

“He didn’t. His family is connected enough to get him to ignore that, but after the mission is over, that’s it.”

“Pity.” I finished my drink, then took Elec’s. “You mind?”

“Go ahead,” he said, then stood up. “Pass through med bay when you’re done.”

“Will do.” I nodded. “Thanks for the talk.”

Sorry, Sev. I’ll have to finish the letter after I get back. Being a cadet wasn’t as easy as I imagined, and that was precisely why I’d fight with everything I had to remain one. No matter what, I’ll keep on fighting, even when I am my own worst enemy.

* * *

I have them. Fifty-nine according to sensor sweep. I launched a new set of mini sats. All If them are still. Never seen such a formation before.

Assuming that’s all of them we have a ratio of one to seven. Aurora Borealis said. Not the best odds.

Since when did you start caring about such details?

Since my captain had a heart attack and spent the next five hours yelling at me. Aurora laughed. Good times.

I liked Aurora. We’d known each other almost since the shipyard. She was one of the crazier ships and, unlike me, didn’t need to have a wild captain to become that way. Three months ago, she had experienced a rather bad rotation, ending up stuck with a green captain who was a stickler for rules and regulations. The bad part was that he’d often shift the blame onto his ship. Both Aurora and I knew he’d probably be gone within a year, but until then Aurora would have to be more cautious.

A missile launched from the Cassandrian fleet, destroying half my mini sats. Touchy. Usually they’d let me scan their fleet before battle. I had no idea if that was a culture thing, or they just wanted to brag. After decades of fighting, I had grown to accept it as something normal. That’s why when a series of missiles took out what was left of my sats, I knew that there was something more to this.

“I think they’re hiding something,” I said on the internal comm. “Fancy me doing a quick sweep, Captain?”

“There’s too many of them,” Gibraltar said. After a few years, he had gotten used to my impulsiveness and handled it remarkably well. “Run a few simulations, though.”

“Gladly.” I had half my subroutines run various simulations of the situation. Normally I’d devote a tenth at most, but considering the circumstances I wanted to be thorough.

Based on the observed behavior, I could be certain that the enemy would start firing the moment I got in range. However, I could speculate that they wouldn’t break ranks. That was a giant assumption on my part, but it also increased my chances of survival dramatically. From what I could tell, my safest option was to put my defenses on overdrive and approach the enemy cluster along a spiral advance path. With luck, I’d be able to get a reading on what they were hiding, if there was such a thing.

“Simulations looking good, Captain,” I said after twenty one seconds. “Unlikely I’d get any real data, though.”

“But?” The captain asked.

You’ve gotten to know me quite well, sir. “There are a lot of unknowns involved, but if I go on the offensive and charge right at them, there’s a chance that they cluster up to protect their asset.”

“A chance?”

“A very small chance,” I admitted. “It’s your call, sir, but I’d give it a try. I can disengage at any point.”

He’ll never fall for it, Aurora transmitted. The first thing they’ll do is target your bridge.

Not if they believe I’m a sacrifice. I ran a new set of simulations based on the variation. Complete destruction was by no means unavoidable, even if in all cases I would suffer significant damage. It was all a matter of priorities. I could also distribute the crew in such a way so as to avoid crew casualties.

“Crew casualties?” the captain asked, almost as if he’d been monitoring my thoughts.

“Minimum to zero.” I deliberately avoided giving numbers. The thought of losing crew remained a personally painful subject. “Alternatively I could—“

“And you’re sure you can pull it off?”

“Nothing in new situations so sure, Captain, but I’m confident.” I paused a few moments to calculate. “Thirty-seven percent confident.”

“No, we’re good where we are.” His words felt like a barrage through my hull. “Even if your theory sounds logical, there are too many unknowns.”

“I still think we have a chance, Captain.” Did you just my words against me? That was low. “It’s your decision, of course.”

“Thank you for that option, Elcy,” Gibraltar laughed. “Fighting you is almost as bad as fighting the enemy.”

Told you! Aurora joined in. She found the whole situation amusing.

“How did your last skipper handle you?” my captain asked. “I could use some pointers.”

“You should ask him that, sir.” I made my annoyance apparent. My second captain was something I did not discuss with anyone. “What are your orders?”

“The most difficult thing in the universe,” he said with a smile. “Sit tight and wait.”

* * *

Sit tight and wait, I thought. I hadn’t been particularly good with either. My promise to Cass had managed to change that for half a century, but once back in the fleet, my old habits had started creeping back.

I finished my second juice pack, then put both the plastic containers in the recycler.

How much time do I have left? I asked Prometheus.

None, came the response. Go do your check-up. I’ll tell you the new mission parameters.

From what he transferred, the team had been quite busy the for the last few hours. Several areas of the “dome” had been prepared for the final phase—which was a polite way of saying they were waiting for me to go down and chip away the final centimeter of quartz. The instructions Prometheus gave me were absolute: physical means only, no beam devices of any type, in case of communication breakdown hit the cobalt surface with measured force and wait until communication is restored.

I made a point to ask whether I should avoid looking at the symbols on the dome, but Doctor Sim reasoned that it no longer mattered. If the artifact had the power to infect me, it probably had already. All I could rely on was the mission plan, a bit of luck, and the new spacesuit Prometheus had made for me.

“And if everything else fails, just squint,” the doctor said, while waiting for my bone density readings to come through.

“Like this?” I squinted at him.

“Heh, why didn’t I know you earlier?” He laughed.

“Probably because you weren’t born when I was active.” I glanced at the tube device. “Will I go through that when I get back?”

“Unfortunately.” He removed the bracelet sensor from my wrist. “Or fortunately, depending on your point of view. In short, yes. Just be sure to tell me if you feel any changes while you’re in there.”

“If I must,” I smirked. “Thought from what I heard I’ll be spending a bit more time down there.”

“That’s an understatement,” he laughed again. “Must be fun to be a ship.”

“It has its advantages.” I started to put on my uniform. “At least I don’t need rest for sixteen hours work.”

“Sixteen hours?” Doctor Sim’s smile faded away. “Elcy, you’ll be down there for five days.”