“Gods I’m gonna freeze my tits off out here.” Elaine said, tucking her voluminous cloak over her voluminous breasts as the snow kept pouring down around them, forming eddies as the wind blew through it.

“I can help you with that, El,” Gregor said with a chuckle. The man with this black hair was packing his belt full of emergency supplies, along with a couple limes. They had long since stopped teasing him about his fear of scurvy.

“Gee, that never gets old.” Elaine’s voice was flat from over a year of working with the man. “One of these days I wish you’d be man enough risk death or dismemberment to cop a feel, then we could move on. Ya bitch.”

Gregor’s eyes narrowed a bit, but it was all well within their usual antics.

“How do you do it, Karen?” she asked, turning her attention back to the towering warrior.

“I’ve got sheepskin lining the armor.” Karen said, tapping the obscenely oversized armor with her iron-clad knuckles. “I’m snug as a bug in a rug.”

The large balding mercenary, Andrew, popped his head out of his tent and frowned at her. “You used to have a giant suit of armor? How come I’ve never seen it?” he asked.

“I sold it to buy the farm, now shut up, Calvin, I’m telling the story.”

The large balding mercenary, Andrew, popped his head out of his tent and frowned at her. “Is everyone good to go?”

“Waiting on you, Drew.” Karen said.

“Well then wait no longer,” he said, leaving his tent fully armored. The six-foot tall man started stretching, limbering himself up in the whirling snow.

“Did you sleep in that?” Elaine asked incredulously.

“Nah, just leave the hinges open and roll into it in the morning. Karen, can you get my back?” he started cinching the straps keeping the armor tight against his front.

“Sure.” Karen walked up and cinched the straps on his back tight. Andrew preferred to have Karen do it because Elaine had never worn heavy armor in her life, and Gregor might be tempted to pull a fast one.

At least, that’s what he told them. Karen and Elaine suspected their leader had a soft spot for Karen but couldn’t bring himself to make things unprofessional.

“Alright, weapons check. Fuckin’ frost.” He said, yanking his sword out of its sheath, breaking the thin layer of frost on it that had accumulated while he slept. The other members of the party made sure their equipment was good to go, staring at the monolithic castle in the distance.

“I’m sure I don’t need to go over the plan again,” Drew said, marching in front of the three of them. “But I’m gonna do it anyway, because ya’ll are idiots.”

“Suck my dick.” Elaine muttered.

Karen was silent. She knew she didn’t have the mental capacity to be witty and know exactly what the plan was, so she chose to focus on the one that offered a better chance at survival.

“That castle was discovered last year by a ranger who’d gotten lost up in the mountains. Nobody who’s tried to explore it since has come back alive. I think you all know what that means.

“Phat loot.” Gregor said, the black fur around his shoulders obscuring his smirk.

“That’s right. This isn’t some ancient village with automatic breadmakers. That right there, is a military installation. One sword that cuts anything, or a Guardian Spirit, or something of that caliber, and we are set for life.”

“Now, in the interest of living that life a good long time, we are taking this slow and painstakingly careful. Elaine, you’ll be responsible for making sure our path backward is clear. I want you to wall up every door as we go, leaving only one path behind us. By all the gods, we are not getting struck from behind or splitting up by taking a wrong turn during a retreat.”

“That’ll take a lot of Bent, and I only recharge two a day.” Elaine said.

“What part of painstakingly careful did you not understand?” Drew asked. “We’re gonna poke our heads in, back out, poke out heads in a little deeper, rinse and repeat.

“Sounds like Gregor with whisky-dick.” Elaine said.

****

“Was my mom really that foul?”

“pretty much.” Karen said.

****

“Keep five Bent handy in case of an emergency. If I had to tell you to save your vials, I’d have already kicked you out. Karen and I are going to take turns acting as point, followed by Gregor, then Elaine, then whoever’s not point as rearguard.”

Karen saw Elaine run a thumb over the three vials of inky black substance on her belt, liquid Bent, in units of three. Each one had cost a couple gold pieces, the price of an entire guar or a good sword.

Rich wizards. Karen thought with good humor, rolling her eyes as they assembled and marched up the hill, with her pulling the rear guard. Karen’s armor was worth quite a bit more, but she’d earned it.

They walked up the side of the mountain, through the foot of snow, grimacing as the water melted into their armor and sapped heat, eventually making Karen’s feet go numb. Karen’s Endurance was such that she could go a lot longer before getting frostbite, however, so she marched on silently.

The others seemed to have their own issues, but they made it to the front of the castle without complaint.

It was a massive, looming thing formed of black stones the size of carriages stacked on top of each other. One might have thought the thing was made by giants, but for the tiny arrow slits and normal sized gatehouse. The black stone was coated in a thick layer of ice, making it look like flowing obsidian.

The gate itself stood open, inviting them into their death.

Andrew stopped in front of the gate, looking up at it with a scowl.

“I don’t fuckin’ think so. Elaine, remove the gate.”

Andrew must have envisioned a situation where the gate closed behind them, locking them in a death-trap. It could have been what happened to the last few parties. He wasn’t having any of it. the man would sooner dismantle the entire castle brick by brick than fall into a lethal trap.

Elaine closed her eyes and held out her hand. The other members of the party could feel her Bent flying over their heads, causing the hair on the back of their necks stand up.

The black stone groaned and peeled itself away from the ancient steel gate, releasing the heavy steel to topple to the ground, rumbling the very earth beneath them with its immense weight.

A hair-raising wail filled the air, reverberating through the snow-covered mountains.

“Back fifty paces, Elaine, a funnel, Karen, join me at the front. Gregor, watch Elaine’s back.”

“Right.” They accepted his orders and moved to make them so. Gregor didn’t even bother to comment about how happy he would be to watch Elaine’s backside.

The man was professional when he was on the job.

They marched backward, and Karen rejoined Drew at the front while Elaine penned them in with stone walls ten feet tall and four feet wide, buried deep into the stone.

The wailing gradually grew in volume until their enemy made an appearance, they were some kind of…purple men with grossly exaggerated tongues emerging from their distended jaws.

The thirty or so creatures rushed toward them, followed by a handful of strange crab-like creatures with brains bursting out from their carapace.

The man-things charged them mindlessly, throwing up snow as they charged, blueish drool dripping from their tongues. They paid no attention to the fact that they’d been penned in and funneled straight into the jaws of death.

“Hit!” Andrew shouted, and he and Karen smashed their shields into the charging creatures before hacking the stumbling bodies apart.

One managed to slip through the gap and tried to put its tongue through her visor. Karen jabbed her sword through its neck and shoved it away before locking her shoulder against Andrew’s again.

A droplet of the creature’s drool sizzled just underneath her eye, causing her eyes to tear up. She focused her mind and blinked the pain away, forcing her body to blindly match Andrew’s actions as they cut down another wave of them. She felt her sword cut through something.

“Spit’s acidic!” She shouted to Andrew beside her, finally regaining her sight.

“Don’t let them touch you with the tongue!” Andrew relayed to everyone.

“Do I look like I wanted to let them touch me with that shit?” Elaine demanded, keeping her eyes open for a new threat.

The cerebral crabs stood there and took their measure rather than rushing in, ushering dozens more Lickers through the destroyed gate.

Once they seemed to like what they saw, all five crabs began to vibrate, sending an invisible pulse into the air.

“Agh, son of a-“ Karen lost her speech as it felt like someone was slowly driving a rusty iron spike through each ear in time with her heartbeat. “GAah!”

She saw the Lickers crowding in around them, felt their claws scraping against her armor, and felt the sting of the occasional drop of saliva burning as it seeped between the cracks of her armor.

She felt all this, but the pain kept her floored, completely unable to move. Karen knew it was just a matter of time until one of the Lickers got a lucky hit or tore off a part of her armor, and then she’d be gone.

What a shitty way to die.

Andrew was beside her, and she could hear the sound of his groaning coming from the helm beside her as the Lickers began to pour over them, surrounding them and peeling off toward Elaine.

“…let the bargain be struck.” Elaine’s voice carried over to Karen as she waved her hand, discarding an empty vial.

In the distance, brilliant circles of light opened doors into nothingness, birthing monsterous orange-skinned devils with manes of wiry black hair and no lips. The two popped into existance beside the Cerebral crabs and fell on top of them, tearing into the exposed grey matter.

In a fraction of a second, the pain went away as the crabs shrieked and scuttled away in fright.

Karen stood and glanced behind her, where a third devil was warding off three lickers with its finger-length claws. Gregor sprung to his feet and took one out with a crossbow bolt, stabilizing the situation in the rear, so Karen planted her feet and once again got shoulder to shoulder with Drew, grinding through the Lickers like machines.

****

“The plan went off without a hitch after that, and we returned home with treasure the likes of which people hadn’t seen in ages.” Karen said. “Your sister’s necklace was one of the things we got, actually.”

“So why aren’t we living in a castle snorting powdered Ambrosia off the asses of maids of our preferred gender?”

“Where’d you hear that?” Karen asked with a raised brow.

“Kort got it from his dad. Since my mom was foul-mouthed, I thought I’d try it on.”

“Doesn’t suit you,” she said, tweaking his nose. “As for why, well, that’s a much longer story than I’m willing to go into today. Besides, if I hang around too long, you’ll get a Listening to Boring Old Stories Warped Skill.”

“That is true,” Calvin said, nodding sagely before Karen hit his shoulder.

“Anyway, I just came in here to tell you that being a wizard isn’t a…bad choice.” She sounded like she was forcing it out.

“Most skills give you a passive bonus, with one active ability every five levels, giving you a slow, steady rate of increase, but spells are kind of the opposite. You get one active ability that starts out very weak and grows exponentially as you level it, and you can use it in any situation.

“Your mother could use her Stone Shaping magic to make shelter, bridges, walls, ramps, wedges, furniture, and so on. The Deadly slash ability I got for my fifth rank in Swordsmanship? I can use it to slash things.”

“I see.” Cal said, nodding. “I’d like to keep pursuing magic, Karen.”

“According to the tiny owl, you’re a prodigy, so keep at it, I guess,” Karen said, tousling his hair. “I’ll leave you be while you’re Forming, but tomorrow your ass is mine.”

“Yes, ma’am.” Cal said before his foster mother left.

Stealth has reached level 5! Freakin’ choose an ability or mutation from the list of compatible ones, damnit.

Abilities:

Active Stealth

Unseen Affinity

Sneak Critical

Mutations:

Vein-Sight

Camouflage

Third Eye

Touch-Grip

“All right, what do they do?” Calvin asked.

Abilities:

Active Stealth: Become invisible for 1 hour/Bent. Effect fades if you attack.

Unseen affinity: Active abilities used from a hidden vantage are treated as 2 levels higher. (Trans: Spell Sneak attacks)

Sneak Critical: Attacks from a hidden Vantage are significantly more lethal, automatically seeking vital spots.

Mutations:

Vein-Sight: When using Stealth, the Veins of living creatures glow brightly from beneath their skin. (May Cause Slight Vampirism)

Camouflage: When using Stealth, the skin actively redirects light around the body, nearly disappearing. (Much less effective when wearing clothes.)

Third Eye: Feel any sentient creature actively paying attention to you, and the direction they are in.

Touch-Grip: At will, finger tips and toes become able stick to objects, with a force equal to your endurance squared. (May cause super-heroism.)