We got back to the Bay Area late Sunday night. Well, actually, early Monday morning, and I knew I had to be alive for my very first class of my very first day as a freshman at one of the toughest universities in the U.S., which was scheduled to start at nine in the morning. Yay. Hello, Leah. Welcome to your new reality, on four hours of sleep.

I was feeling indebted to Coach Burke’s advice when I told him I’d attend Stanford. “Don’t take too many classes your first year, Leah,” he’d told me. “Juggling playing and studying is tough enough, you don’t need to make it any harder at first than necessary.”

Thankfully my Monday-Wednesday-Friday schedule was reasonably light. After my nine AM Intro To College Writing class I had a couple of hours before my Bio 101 and I was going to need that time to recover. My new roommate had moved in over the weekend while I was in Texas and I felt bad about waking her up at two thirty in the morning when the shuttle bus dropped me off at the dorm, but what could I do? She was gone by the time I woke up, so all I knew of her was that she was Asian, a neat freak, and had put up pictures of Japanese guys on stage wearing fruit for underwear all over her side of the room.

Thankfully, I’d already figured out where to get the good java between my dorm and the writing class so I knew at the very least I’d be well caffeinated by the time class started. Thank you, lord, for the mighty coffee bean.

The writing class was a small affair, just ten students and one grad student teacher. The teacher (who insisted we call him Mac) was a funny guy that looked like Freddie Mercury from the band Queen but with long hair like the Spinal Tap guys. He was great at getting us all involved and the hour passed quickly.

Bio was a completely different experience. It was a giant lecture hall class, just me and three hundred of my fellow terrified freshmen. The professor reminded me of that guy on TV, Ben something or other, who has that very monotone voice and can keep talking without any pauses or breaks for hours. I was grateful for my second cup of coffee that morning after writing because it was the only thing keeping me from falling asleep in class.

Donny (the guy sitting next to me in Bio) invited me to lunch but I told him I had a prior engagement. He looked disappointed, but since he seemed like a nice guy I told him that if he was up for it I’d love to have lunch on Wednesday. Pleased, he gave me his email address. I was a little bit concerned, but he didn’t seem like some kind of stalker freak so I told him I’d shoot him an email so he’d have my address, because I couldn’t remember my newly assigned student email address off the top of my head.

I’d promised I’d watch Kerry play beach volleyball at two, so I grabbed a sandwich and headed over to the sand court. I was a little early so I sat in the shade of a tree and waited, reading the assigned chapters of my writing book. Kerry and Stacey showed up with two guys (presumably their boyfriends) and started playing. I watched a little, read a little, but mainly enjoyed the afternoon. There was a warm breeze and it felt peaceful, even with the construction noise from the big building site just off to one side of the court. I was just kind of zoning out, for some reason just thinking about Emmy, when a loud screech of some kind of giant metal saw from the construction site snapped me out of it. Looking over to see what made the noise, I saw a girl that kinda looked like Stephanie walking past the construction site. By some bizarre twist of fate she was with another girl who had very light platinum blonde hair cut in a familiar bob. My heart jumped and I got a kind of hot all-over-my-body kind of flash for a moment when I thought it was Emmy, but almost immediately realized it really wasn’t either of the two girls I loved.

Suddenly feeling sick at heart, I told Kerry I’d see her later and bolted to get out of there. I was overwhelmed at how quickly tears just came out of nowhere, so I found someplace quiet to cry myself out and still have time for my four o’clock Calc class. God, this sucked. It had been months and months since Emmy vanished from my life, and I had a new girlfriend now. I was so messed up about all of this. I mean, I missed Emmy so badly even almost half a year later, which made me feel guilty about being somehow emotionally unfaithful to Stephanie, which made me feel worse. I told myself I needed to get a grip, but that didn’t make anything any better.

In Calculus I sat in a seat in the back corner away from any other students because I didn’t want anybody to see I’d been crying. I felt pathetic and lonely. Since it was the first day of class it was just a review of the syllabus and homework and test policy, so it really didn’t matter that I was engaged in my own private pity party and couldn’t pay attention to save my life.

After math I went back to the dorm. I was hoping to get some alone time, thinking that maybe a good red-hot phone call with Steph could turn my mood around, but unfortunately it seemed as if there was some sort of huge floor party going on.

I called Kerry and asked if we could meet somewhere to talk. “I could really use some advice, Ker,” I told her. “I think I’m having some sort of emotional meltdown.”

She agreed to meet for dinner in an hour, and just knowing that I’d made a new friend who was willing to listen to my problems was a load off my shoulders.

Kerry was a little late to our dinner meeting, so I sat down outside the hole-in-the-wall restaurant she’d suggested and took out my phone, which ironically used to be Emmy’s. I scrolled through the pictures, spending time looking at the numerous photos of Stephanie.

“Hey, girl? What’s got you so worked up?” Kerry asked as she strolled up.

“It’s a long story, but you already know part of it,” I said as we entered the harsh fluorescent lighting of the curry shop.

“Your girlfriend again?”

“Yeah, I know,” I said, rolling my eyes. “I’m sorry to saddle you with more of my drama, but I’m just feeling really down and out at the moment, and confused about what the heck I’m doing.”

“It’s all right, don’t worry about it. I mean, that’s what friends are for, right?” she responded, which cheered me up a little.

We ordered and sat down, and as we ate I told Kerry about how Emmy, my first girlfriend, had gotten in a fight with her parents then moved in with me and my mom and sister. She was perfect in every way, but one night she disappeared, and I thought her family had kidnapped her and taken her back to France with them.

I told her how Stephanie (who had been a good friend) became my support through the shock of loss. I told her how after a couple of months, I realized that Stephanie was there for me and Emmy was gone and not coming back, and how I decided to move on with Steph.

“The rest you know,” I said.

“You mean the drama with your little sex kitten?” Kerry asked, just to be clear.

“Well, actually, there’s even a bit more. Part of what we fought about on Saturday was that Steph accused me of always comparing her to Emmy, and she resented it. With Emmy, we’d been completely 100 per cent out of the closet.”

“And that’s why hiding it from Kitten’s mom bothered you so much, right?” Kerry asked, proving she was following the whole thing.

“Yeah. That’s it exactly,” I sighed. “That’s the number one problem with our relationship.”

“And you had that with your ex.”

“Yeah, and that’s part of why Stephanie resents Emmy so much. I mean, they were good friends, so it’s not like Steph hates on Emmy or anything, she’s just feeling insecure about how she compares.”

“Well, that’s never good, kid.” I was again thankful I’d gotten to be friends with Kerry, because she really seemed to understand and was willing to be there with good advice.

“So that’s all the history. That brings us up to today,” I said, taking a deep breath, trying to figure out how I wanted to explain it.

“Today I’ve been thinking a lot about Emmy, my ex. I miss her so badly, Ker. Something happened to remind me of her and all I could do was just cry my freaking brains out, and then I felt shitty because I felt somehow unfaithful to Steph, and...” I choked up and was about to start crying again, but I sat back and took a deep, calming breath.

“I can see this has you all twisted in knots, girl. Just chill for a moment and have some more of this wonderful curry.”

I smiled at Kerry’s good humor and ate a few forkfuls as she suggested.

“Now, tell me all about the two chicks. Start from the beginning.”

I started to tell Kerry about Emmy’s first day at Fallbrook High and how she stood out from a crowd, to put it mildly.

“Wait. You mean your old girlfriend was black? You used to live with a black girl?” Kerry asked, interrupting me, amazed.

“Um, yeah, but she wasn’t African-American black like you are. I mean, she was as black as this fork,” I said, holding up the plastic utensil in my hand.

“You have to be making this shit up,” Kerry said, shaking her head.

Exasperated, I said “Look, I know it sounds crazy, but the Lascauxs are all super pitch black.”

“What’s this girl’s name?” asked Kerry.

“Um, Emmy Lascaux.”

“How’s that last name spelled?” Kerry demanded.

“L A S C A U X,” I spelled, wondering why she wanted to know.

“O.K. Now I know you’re fucking with me,” Kerry said, pissed off. She started to get up to leave, but I grabbed her arm.

“What? What’s wrong?” I asked, bewildered.

“You got that name from that new building right next to the sand court, didn’t you? That new business school building that’s going up?” Kerry was angry and about to leave if I couldn’t convince her of the truth.

“What? No! I didn’t even realize-” I stammered, then it hit me. Emmy had said that her parents had given a bunch of money to Stanford way back when. “Oh, shit,” I said, sitting back down.

Something in my face must have made Kerry reconsider leaving, because she sat back down, but continued to give me a skeptical look. “Oh, shit what?” she demanded.

“We were going to come to Stanford together. She’d told me that her parents gave a bunch of money to the university, and that’s how she was sure to get in,” I explained. “Her dad is big into international business. They have, I don’t know, hundreds of millions of dollars, I think. I guess it makes sense they’d name a building after him, if he donated enough.”

“Well, if you expect me to believe any of this, you’re going to have to do a better job of convincing me. I need some kind of proof, girl. Give me something solid.” Kerry said.

Thinking for a moment, I said “Come back to my dorm room. I have some pictures of her and me. I think I have some pictures of her house, too. It’s a big freaking mansion on a huge estate.”

“O.K. But they’d better be very convincing pictures,” Kerry said, grudgingly.

When we got back to my dorm room my new roommate wasn’t there, for which I was thankful. I flipped open my laptop, telling Kerry it was a Christmas present from Emmy. I flipped through the photo albums till I got to the pictures I’d taken at Emmy’s pool party, and set it to do a slide show for Kerry.

“Wow,” Kerry said. “I thought you were pulling my leg when you said she was really black. And what’s with her hair?” Then, after a few more pictures “Is she naked?” and a few photos later “That’s her house? Looks like some kind of villa in Italy or something.”

Then, looking closely at another picture “Hey, that’s your little sex kitten, isn’t it?” The photo was of Stephanie sitting on the edge of the pool, extending her toes in the water, leaning her head back with eyes closed and enjoying the sun.

“Yeah, that’s Stephanie,” I said, feeling all the guilt from earlier come back with a vengeance.

As she continued looking at the pool party photos, Kerry asked “So what are you going to do? I think you have some hard choices to make, don’t you? You’ve gotta be honest with your little kitten, and for sure you gotta be honest with yourself.”

“Yeah,” I said, slumping down on my bed. “I could use all the good advice I can get right now, Ker. I need help.”

“You need some kind of professional help, girl. I’m not sure I can do anything about this mess you’ve gotten yourself into.”

“Well, I try to talk to Steph before going to bed, so I need some extra strength help A.S.A.P. I have no idea what to tell her,” I sighed.

Just then the door opened, and my new roommate came in. “Hi,” she said shyly, looking at Kerry at the desk and me sitting on the bed. “Am I interrupting anything? I can come back later.”

“No, it’s nothing. We were just talking. Kerry, this is my new roommate, …” I stopped, realizing I didn’t even know her name.

“Shinju,” she supplied.

“Shinju,” I said. “Shinju, this is my friend Kerry. She’s my teammate on the volleyball team.”

“Pleased to meet you, Shinju,” Kerry said. Then, realizing that Shinju might not know my name, she said “Leah here has talked a lot about you.”

At the look of surprise on the Japanese girl’s face, Kerry laughed. “No, I’m kidding. You moved in while we were in Texas, right? So you guys only got to meet each other this morning?”

“I had an early class, so I left while Leah was still asleep.”

“So really, this is the first we’ve actually met,” I added.

“Well, then I’m gonna let you two get acquainted,” Kerry said, standing to leave. Turning to me, she said “Talk to your kitten tonight. Figure out as much as you can before jumping to any decisions you’ll regret later.”

After Kerry left, Shinju and I had an awkward get-to-know conversation. She was from Nagoya, Japan, and here to study international relations with an emphasis on American-Pacific studies. She was nineteen, had never had a boyfriend but was hoping to meet a nice guy in college, and loved J-Pop music (which I found out was short for Japanese pop).

I told her I was from Southern California, going to be eighteen in a week, and had no idea what I wanted to study but I thought that it was going to be something science-related.

“Do you have a boyfriend?” She asked.

In the spirit of honesty with the girl I was going to be living with for the next nine months, I told her “Well, that’s what Kerry and I were talking about. She was offering me relationship advice. My girlfriend and I are going through a rough spot,” I said, not wanting to divulge all my secrets, but still wanting to be as honest as I could be.

I’d been waiting to see how Shinju would react. To no great surprise she asked “You have a girlfriend?” in a curious voice.

“Well, she’s back home, but yeah.”

“I wish I had a boyfriend,” Shinju breathed, thinking of the possibilities. It seemed she was more surprised by the fact I had a lover at all than that my lover was another girl.

We sat there, on our respective beds, lost in thought for a few minutes when my phone chimed that a text had come in.

“I missed u today,” Steph had sent.

“I’ve been thinking about you, too,” I sent back, not lying, but certainly not telling the full truth, either.

“Im gong 2 the movies with Min in a bit. So this is goodnight” replied Stephanie.

“Good night. I love you,” I texted, telling her the absolute truth. I did love her, and that’s why this was all so hard.

“Love u 2”, Steph replied.

I put my phone down, looking up to see Shinju staring at me. “What?” I asked, defensively.

“So you are lesbian?” she asked, and I could only hear curiosity in her voice.

“Yeah,” I sighed, not looking forward to how the conversation might go.

“Do you like only girls?”

“Well, I had a boyfriend last year, in eleventh grade. I thought I loved him, but now I’m not sure I did at all,” I answered. I figured life with my new roommate would be a lot easier with nothing hidden, so why not be candid?

“When I was young, a girl my own age who was my neighbor and I used to play husband and wife. We would kiss and lie down next to each other, but we had no idea what we were doing,” Shinju said, remembering back.

“What happened when you got older?” I asked, interested in her story.

“Nothing. Her father got transferred and they moved away. I don’t think we were lesbians, not really. I think we were simply playing.”

“And you’ve never been attracted to girls?” I asked.

“No. I like looking at pretty girls, of course, but I am not interested in them romantically,” Shinju explained. “How long have you been interested in girls?”

“I never really thought I was until I fell in love with my old girlfriend Emmy. Then I still didn’t think I was a real lesbian. I just thought that somehow, the person I loved just happened to be a girl. But then she left suddenly, and my friend Stephanie was interested in me, and she was so beautiful and so sexy that I had to admit to myself that girls are just better looking and nicer smelling than boys.”

“Do you have a picture of her that I may see?”

“Who, Emmy or Stephanie?”

“Which one is that?” Shinju asked, pointing at the screen on my open laptop.

I had forgotten that the pictures were up and still rotating through the slideshow, and from her bed Shinju had been seeing all of them.

“That’s Emmy,” I said looking at the picture of her playing her guitar.

“She looks very…” said Shinju, at a loss for words.

“Yeah, she is,” I agreed. “And this is my current girlfriend, Stephanie” I said, showing my roommate the photo of Steph by the pool.

“She is very beautiful.”

“Yes she is. Yes, she is,” I said, looking at the picture of Stephanie, tanned a golden brown, her long chestnut hair flowing like silky waves over her shoulders. I closed the laptop, sighing. I’d been doing that a lot lately, I thought to myself.

I showed up a few minutes early to workout the next morning, hoping to talk to Kerry. We didn’t have much time to talk before practice started, so afterwards we went for coffee.

“Girl, you are in one hell of a mess,” Kerry said as she sipped her coffee. “I like my coffee like I like my men- strong, black and rich” she explained, then added a ton of creamer and sugar to it, making me laugh.

As for me, I had my usual caramel mocha, extra vanilla. I needed the caffeine, but I still hadn’t worked up to the hard stuff.

“I know, I know,” I agreed. “I don’t even have any clue what to do, and I’m so…”

“Yes, you are,” Kerry said, nodding. “You said you want to do something with science, right? Well, maybe approaching it all scientific and methodical is the way to go.”

“What do you mean?”

“First, evaluate your options. Make a list if you have to. Next, identify the pros and cons of each choice. In other words, weigh it all out.” Kerry sounded reasonable, but I wasn’t convinced.

“But, see, that’s the problem,” I complained. “I have no real idea what my options are. I mean, you know how things have been with Stephanie, right?”

“That little sexy kitten of yours? Girl, honesty is the best policy, that’s what I always say. Of course, it isn’t what I always do, so you might be on your own on that one. All I can really tell you to do is figure out what will make you the happiest, and then do what you have to, to make it happen.”

“Gee, that sounds like a great idea!” I said, sarcastically. “Except one, I have no clue what will make me happiest, and two, I have no clue what to do to make it happen.”

“Yeah, that could be a problem, couldn’t it?” Kerry agreed.

At Bio lab that afternoon Donny sat down next to me and became my lab partner by default. I didn’t mind, because he was funny and seemed to know the subject material reasonably well. He asked me if I wanted to grab a quick bite afterwards, and I agreed.

We went to a little cafeteria Donny knew near by. I was glad he hadn’t suggested a real dinner place because I wasn’t about to give him any ideas I was interested in him.

“Leah, you must be from SoCal,” he said as we sat down with our trays.

“What makes you say that?” I asked.

“Well, besides the obvious fact that you’re blonde, but still have a killer tan?” he smirked.

“Yeah- besides that. What else?” I prodded.

“That’s pretty much all I got,” he admitted.

“Well, it’s true. I’m from San Diego County. And yes, I have gotten a lot of sun this summer,” I conceded.

“Yeah. Well, we get so little sun up in Seattle that when it does come out, we all put on the SPF 100 in fear,” he laughed. “Hence my gloriously pasty complexion.”

“I should be good about staying out of the sun, too, but it’s just so nice to lounge by the pool, soaking up rays.”

“Well, it looks good on you. The tan, I mean.” Donny wasn’t very smooth, and he knew he wasn’t.

“You turn such a charming shade of red,” I teased. “It goes really well with the pastiness.”

He looked down at his half-eaten sandwich, trying to hide his burning face.

“Hey, look, I’m just teasing,” I apologized, feeling bad. “Really.”

Donny got himself mostly under control, and said “Sorry. I’ve never been good around pretty girls.”

“Aw, that’s sweet,” I said, trying to help him overcome his embarrassment. “Look at me, Donny. Don’t think of me as a pretty girl you’re trying to impress or any of that kind of stuff. Just be your funny, charming self.”

“I’m not sure I can ignore the fact that you’re a pretty girl. It’s kinda, um, omnipresent, if you know what I mean.”

“To be honest, I’m not really used to thinking of myself that way,” I admitted, my turn to feel bashful.

“Well, you are. I’m surprised you don’t have guys telling you that all the time.”

“I think a lot of guys are… I don’t know. Intimidated, maybe. Because I’m so tall, I mean, not because I’m so stunningly gorgeous,” I added.

“You’re kidding me, right? I mean, who wouldn’t want a big, smoking-hot girl like you for a girlfriend?” Donny asked.

“Can we change the subject?” I pleaded. “I’d rather not talk about my love life.”

“Oh- Sorry. I didn’t mean to get too personal. So, do you like football?”

“What?” I asked, surprised by the change in direction in the conversation.

“Do you like football? I’ve got a couple of tickets to the home opener this Saturday, if you’re interested,” his voice hopeful.

“Saturday? I can’t. I have a game on Saturday,” I apologized.

“A game? What do you play?” Donny asked, interested.

“I’m on the volleyball team. It’s the game against Notre Dame, and I guess that’s sort of a really big deal.”

“Wow, really? I guess your height would be an advantage playing volleyball, wouldn’t it? Maybe I can trade these tickets in for a ticket to see you play.”

“It’d be great if you could come to watch, but I’m not sure how much playing time I’m gonna get. Since I’m just a freshman and new to the team, Coach might sit me out.” I raised my hands in a ‘what can you do’ gesture.

“Well, hell. I’d much rather cheer for a team at least I know somebody on. I’ll see if I can swap tickets.” Donny gave me that big, goofy grin of his, his eyes twinkling. “You know, I don’t know a damn thing about the sport, though…”

That evening, I seized the opportunity to make some calls while Shinju was out. I called Stephanie first, mainly because my guilty conscience was nagging at me.

“Hey, babe,” she answered, her voice low and sensual. “I’ve been thinking about you.”

“I’ve been thinking about you, too,” I answered. “It’s been super crazy and stressful my first couple of days of class, and I just wanted to hear your voice.”

“Well, Mom’s not home yet, so we can, well… what are you wearing?” she asked, making her voice as sexy as possible.

By the time our conversation finished I was so hot and bothered that I needed to go for a walk outside in the cool night air. God, could that girl get me wound up! If Kerry only knew how accurate her nickname for Stephanie really was, I thought, smiling to myself.

I was lost in thought when a familiar voice called out. “Hey! Leah!”

“Hey, Donny. Long time no see,” I replied.

“What brings you out here on this fine and pleasant night?” he asked, catching up to me.

“Oh, nothing. I just needed some fresh air.”

“Roommate troubles?” he inquired. “Me, too.”

“No, that’s not it. My roommate seems O.K. She’s really quiet, actually, and hardly ever there.”

“Oh, man, are you lucky. Mine is a complete slob who only wants to smoke dope and listen to Bob Marley over and over,” Donny complained as we walked.

“Does he have dreadlocks?” I asked, for some reason imagining it.

“Yeah!” Donny exclaimed. “Big, nasty ones. I don’t think he ever takes a shower, either.” The revulsion in his voice made me laugh, making Donny indignant. “Yeah, easy for you to say. You don’t have to live with him.”

“I’m sorry. It’s just kind of funny.” I tried to hide my chuckling, but I just couldn’t.

“Well, I’m glad at least one of us is finding some joy in the situation. You know, I’d heard about ‘trustafarians’ from Colorado, but I never thought I’d be rooming with one in California. Hey, you want to get coffee or something?”

“No, sorry. I need to get to bed. It’s been a really busy, weird last few days, and I just need some rest.”

“Are we still on for lunch tomorrow?” he asked, sounding optimistic.

“Yeah, sure. See you in class,” I agreed, heading back to my dorm.

I couldn’t just go on like this, not knowing what to do, or even, really, who I wanted to be with. Just two days before, I was planning on doing whatever it took to work things out with Stephanie, doing what it took to make things one hundred per cent between us. Now, I wasn’t sure. Did I want to turn my back on ‘my little sex kitten’, as Kerry called Stephanie? God, I was so confused, and felt like dirt. One way or another, this was going to suck.

Shinju still wasn’t in when I got back to the room, so I put on headphones (which had been Emmy’s, it occurred to me) and fired up my laptop’s music player and just kicked back on my bed, my eyes closed, trying to relax. It was all going great until the shuffle mode played Van Halen’s “You Really Got Me” and I remembered Emmy with Brent’s band the last day of fall term. Emmy in that outfit Courtney had called ‘catholic school girl slut’, playing her blue guitar like she was born to be on stage.

Funny, I thought to myself. I’d almost convinced myself that dwelling on what I’d lost when Emmy vanished was a bad idea, and here I am, thinking about how amazing she was.

I pulled my computer onto my lap and brought up an empty text file and started to make the chart that Kerry had recommended. In one column I put “PROS”, and “CONS” in the other.

On the pro side I started by listing what I loved about Stephanie- her smile, her laugh, her amazingly hot body, and so on. Then, on the other side, I listed the things that were problems. Her inability to publicly admit that we were even having a relationship was top of the list. After that was the fact that she was four hundred miles away. I wasn’t sure that was fair, because it wasn’t her fault- it was mine for leaving, but I put it down anyway.

Sighing with frustration, I closed my computer and put it back on my desk. In a momentary bout of paranoia, I grabbed my computer and set up password protection for the first time. It was probably a good idea in any case, but now maybe more than ever.

I’d just about fallen asleep when Shinju came in, trying to be quiet, but giggling and making tons of noise.

“I’m awake,” I said, turning on my desk lamp.

“Sorry” she apologized, her accent stronger than ever.

“Have you- have you been drinking?” I asked.

She giggled and said that she’d been at a party on the next floor up, and there was this cute guy. “I let him put his hands on me,” she tittered, amazed at her own nerve.

“What was his name?” I asked, hoping I wasn’t going to hate hearing the answer.

She thought about it for a moment, then said “Larry. It was Larry.” Well, that was a relief. At least she knew the guy’s name.

“What did he look like? Had you seen him before?”

“Yes, he lives up there,” she said, pointing at the ceiling above us.

Sighing, I said “You should drink some water before going to bed. It’ll help with the hangover.”

Shinju was sound asleep when I got up the next morning for writing, even though I knew she had an eight AM class. Worse yet, she was sleeping in her clothes from last night, and smelled like a brewery.

Sighing, I went to my writing class wondering what I was going to have to deal with that day, and wondering why Steph never called me back last night.

I’d promised Donny we would have lunch after Bio, and I liked the guy, so I wasn’t going to back out. I was afraid he was crushing on me, and I really didn’t know how to let him know I wasn’t interested without being a bitch about it.

We went to lunch at a Thai place on campus, and the food was surprisingly cheap and tasty. “I’m sorry I can’t take you someplace nicer,” Donny had apologized, but the food was good and I sure understood the student budget situation, so I told him it was O.K. and not to worry.

“So, you’re saying you’re a cheap date?” Donny joked, and I saw my opportunity.

“Well, I’ve never had a lot of extra money, you know. I’ve had to work at a yogurt place or at my uncle’s plant nursery for all of my spending cash. That’s why whenever I’ve taken my girlfriend out, we’ve smuggled candy in to the theater.”

Donny had been drinking his Dr. Pepper when I said ‘girlfriend’, and I thought he was going to choke.

“Wait- did you just say you had a girlfriend?” he asked, recovering.

“‘Have’ is more correct. I ‘have’ a girlfriend.”

“So, um, wow. I guess I’ve been barking up the wrong tree?” he asked, looking sheepish, and a bit disappointed.

“Well, It depends on what you want. If you’re looking for a friend who laughs at your jokes and likes to hang out, then you’re on the right track. If you’re thinking you might have a chance with me romantically speaking, then, not so much.” I didn’t want to hurt his feelings or bruise his ego, but there was no way I wanted to lead him on or let Donny continue to follow me around like a puppy dog that never had a chance.

Still off balance, Donny replied “Wow. It seems my gaydar isn’t working. I hadn’t pegged you for a- well, I hadn’t thought you were…”

“Gay? Yeah, well, if it’s any consolation, my gaydar doesn’t work any better. I can’t tell who is and who isn’t at all. In fact,” I added, “I didn’t even really know I was gay until six months ago.”

“Really?” he asked, looking surprised. “I mean, how could you not know all along?”

“Well, it’s strange. I’d never really thought about girls in any sort of sexual way until I just sort of fell in love with one. I realized, from being with her, that I hadn’t really been in love with the boyfriend I’d had before her. I mean, I’d thought I was, but I just didn’t know any better.”

“That’s interesting,” Donny said, playing with his pad thai, not looking up. “What is it that attracts you to women?”

“I don’t know. I guess the way they smell so good, how soft they are, the way girls kiss… I don’t know. A lot of things, really.”

Donny looked thoughtful, and said “You know, I like those things, too. Maybe I’m a lesbian, also.”

“I guess I walked in to that one, didn’t I?” I said, laughing.

Donny smirked. “With a set up like that, how could I pass up the opportunity?”

It seemed as if Donny and I were O.K., after all. I’d been worried that he’d get pissed off at my revelation, but the fact that he took it well was a good sign.

“So, since it looks like I’ve got no shot at ever being your boyfriend, can I perv a bit and think about you and your girlfriend?” he asked, grinning.

“So, were you already perving on me?” I demanded, smiling to let him know I wasn’t upset.

“Well, of course. I mean, look at you. You’re like a California goddess, all tanned and blonde and athletic.” Suddenly, a thought occurred to him. “Hey, is your girlfriend on the volleyball team, too?”

“No way! Are you kidding me? Those girls are all, like, jock dykes or something!” I said in my best valley girl voice, which got him to laugh. “No,” I said in my normal voice. “My girlfriend is back home. She was on the cheer squad,” I said, voice low and eyebrows wiggling. “Score, huh?”

“You’re kidding me, right?” Donny asked, laughing.

Voice back to normal, I confirmed it. “No, really. She was. I’m telling you, Stephanie was just about the hottest thing at our school, too.”

“O.K., I’m definitely going to buy some lotion before heading back to my room.”

“T.M.I., Donny. Way too much information.” I couldn’t help but laugh at the expression on Donny’s face, and then he busted up, too.

“Seriously, Leah. That is way, way hot. I mean, a bummer for me, in a way, but way hot anyway.”

“You want to know how hot?” I asked, teasing. “Look at this picture,” I said, pulling out my phone. I’d downloaded the ‘special’ pictures onto my computer and off the phone, but I did have a few of Steph looking really good, including one in her cheer uniform that always made me feel funny inside. I showed Donny a couple of them, and he had to admit that I was one lucky girl.

“And so is she,” he sighed. “Me, not so much.”