Chapter 9

Snake Report:

After all the crap I have been through, you would think I’d be due for a win by now.

Right?

I mean, statistically speaking.

Here I am, reincarnated on the bad-side of a fantasy world. Surviving all the monsters, the traps, the magic, the danger…

I finally find a treasure chest, and I have no way to get it open.

Come. On.

It’s not even locked.

The latch is just old and rusted, and my tail is just not meant for this.

Lifting a weirdly shaped bit of metal up, and back…

You have no idea what a pain this is.

See, there’s this wagon.

At first, I wasn’t sure what it was, just that it looked weird, but that’s because it’s busted. Got partly covered in sand after someone must have abandoned it out here.

But, they didn’t take everything.

There’s a box.

Maybe my time as a human is fading, but at the center of my being: I know boxes left out in the desert have treasure in them.

Clearly, this is loot.

Sss…

Yet, ten minutes of fumbling around like a total clutz, and I’m still stuck trying to get it to cooperate.

There’s just no good way to get this without opposable thumbs.

It’s like… almost impossible.

You have to do a loop, and bite your own tail, and then drag it sideways…

There.

Okay, now… pull…

Any second now…

Gotcha.

HA! How about that?

Who needs to use magic for everything? Not this snake.

Sweet victory.

Now, what do we have…

Oh… right.

I didn’t think this through.

Latch problem is solved, but how the hell am I going to lift the lid?

Shoot.

Uh… tactical [Leviathan Breath] might do it?

No, who am I kidding. Even if it works, I’ll just set the whole thing on fire. Dry wood, sitting out in the sun for ages. This is kindling.

Ssssss...

You have got to be kidding me.

All that work, and no treasure?

Come on!

I am so mad right now.

This must be the biggest rip-off, ever.

This is exactly why we can’t have nice things, because we can’t open the treasure chests.

Fine.

I’ll just use my head.

Literally.

I’ve got tough scales. If I wedge my head against the corner of this latch piece, and push…

Push…

Keep pushing…

Open up already, you big, stupid, wooden, jerk-

It’s working?

It’s working!

Yessssss.

And in this awesome box of loot, I have found a… a…

Clothes?

What is this? Some shirts?

Seriously?

Is that it?

There’s gotta be something else, right? This was the only thing on the wagon! I looked high and low! IF there’s only one treasure chest, it’s gotta be a good one!

Wow.

This is so… underwhelming.

It’s just clothing. Some shirts, pants, a cloak…

No.

I refused to believe this. There’s gotta be something else.

Somewhere.

Maybe it’s hiding something?

Like, a bag of gold.

Or a secret map!

Or a mysterious ring of keys!

Or a false-bottom piece, hiding treasure! Or-

THWACK

…

Can I…

No… guess not.

What if I…

Nope.

Suppose I-

CLICK

Ah.

Yep.

That was absolutely the latch falling back into place.

Not a single shred of doubt in my mind.

God damn it.