Chapter 100

Snake Report: Snake Report: Life as a False God - Round 2.0, Day 2:

Hissss...

"[Voice of Gaia] Tell me my status."

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[Level 87]

[TITLE: DIVINE BEAST, LEVIATHAN, GUARDIAN, ENEMY OF MANKIND, CALAMITY]

[BRANCH: Divine Being]

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[UNIQUE TRAITS:]

[Extremely Toxic] – Extremely Toxic Flesh. Fatal if consumed. [Crystalline scales] - Increased Defense. [Omnivore] - Capable of eating irregular and non-monster food-stuffs. [Affinity of Flame] - Bonded to the Element. [Legendary] - A rare being. Not often seen, known only to Legend.

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[STATUS: Poisoned]

[Poisoned] – Brought about by consumption of toxic substance.

[WANTED - Humankind] - Bounty issued for capture or proof of execution.

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[RESISTANCES]

[Poison resistance: Rank 17] [Fire resistance: Rank V] - Affinity* [Mana resistance: Rank 40] [Steel resistance: Rank I] [Iron resistance: Rank I] [Acid resistance : Rank 11 ]

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[Skills]

[Healing:] [Passive Healing 43] - Automatically able to recover from injuries. Mana drained as a result. [Heal V] - Fifth rank of healing. [Flame element] - Affinity* [Leviathan breath X] - Rare ability. Advanced variation of [Flame Breath] [Fireball X] - A ball of flame, capable of long-range. [Earth element] [Earth Sculpting V] - Third spell rank of [Earth Manipulation] [Water element] [Water Manipulation VII] - Ability to actively mold and shape water. [Knowledge element] [Voice of Gaia - Rank IX] - Knowledge embodiment. Spirit of the world. [Language Comprehension] [Human Language - Northern Continent: Comprehension] [Human Language - Southern Continent: Comprehension][Luthra'Dotre'Ka Language - Great Forest: Comprehension] [Spirit Attendant - Rank III] - Bonded Spirit of the Earth, a tool for its master. Known to accompany Divine Beasts of Legend. [Divine element] [Royal Spirit of Man] - Acquired. [Ancient Spirit of Depth] - Acquired

You know how to tell if it was a bad night?

If you're sprawled out like a wet-noodle on top of a giant Tree Altar for some barbaric and ancient "Forest god."

Sure, that's probably right up there with waking up to find a Tiger in the hotel bathroom. Some might actually argue that could also point towards the potential that it was a really good night, so maybe alone it's not much of an indicator. But context is everything.

Want to know how I can really tell if it was a bad night?

When I wake up on a level higher than the day before, and find [Passive healing] and [Poison resistance] have scaled right up along for the ride.

Significantly scaled.

As in, much more than should ever be possible under ordinary circumstances.

Hung-over as I might be, I'm pretty confident that wasn't due to alcohol poisoning.

I think that someone tried to deal me out like Socrates .

Hisss...

The question, is who?

Strewn about the Shrine, there are numerous suspects. It seems I'm not the only one who can't hold my drink, and it looks like Elves everywhere just sort of dropped off where ever they happened to feel like it. Some of them are piled up, others are showing a bit too much skin.

You know, it's a bit weird that they still look like super-models, even passed out on the floor. That hardly seems fair.

During my Human life's University years, I never remember looked like a Greek-statue when laying face down in my own stupor.

Geez.

You know, reincarnation being possible, I think there was probably a small possibility that maybe I could have been reborn somewhere as an Elf.

It's really making this whole ordeal seem a bit like a rip-off.

Of course, I just had to random-roll "Snake-Monster" didn't I?

Right up there with the points. Rigged, rigged, rigged...

Ah-

Sorry.

No offense is intended by this, oh wise and Tiny Snake God.

I know you've been looking out for me, and I know I shouldn't question your ways. You really haven't let me down yet, I'm still alive and well after-all, but I'm just saying.

I mean- look at these guys. That couple over there is laying in a pool of their own vom, and they still look like supermodels. Meanwhile, I'm over here, still trying to squeeze off this extra skin like a fat-kid in blue-jeans, and I probably look like a flaky blue pool noodle.

Hisss...

No, you're right tiny Snake God. It's what's on the inside that counts, that's important to remember.

On the inside, I'm... a horrible calamity.

Hisss

Damn it all.

From my raised altar, I've got a pretty good view of the scene here. Dancers over there-abouts, warriors over there... No elders though. Maybe they went to bed early? Maybe not...

It might seem a bit odd, but you know I just noticed the Chief is missing too. There's no masculine looking figure surrounded by Elven beauties laying down there- or at least not that specific example.

Chief gone, Elders gone... weird. The whole celebration thing was their idea, I wonder where they've run off...

Oh. Of course.

Of coursssssse... Rule number one to establishing yourself as a local deity: Never trust the Elders.

They poisoned me and ran away like pointy-eared turd-nuggets.

I bet they might even think it worked, those sneaky little bastards.

They probably left the scene of the crime, set themselves up with some sort of reasonable alibi- and OH: would you look there. How strange! Only little Miss Elf Warrior seems to have stayed the night, sitting over on the mat just where I remember- she's even still in that perfect bowing form.

That's so weird, considering how the Chief wanted to cut out her heart and have me eat it or something- I really would have thought she would have run off the moment I pardoned her. It's almost like someone higher in the hierarchy around here told her to stay put.

Hissss... the plot thickens.

I'm not the brightest crayola in the box, but I'm not a complete idiot.

I'll bet she was their planned fall-guy. They leave, she stays- they're cleared, she's blamed. It all makes sense! I can see it clearly! This is some house-of-cards level shenanigans. Somehow they realized I was fake, but they were too scared to take me head on, so they tried to take me out all sneaky-sneaky.

What a bunch of tree-hugging jerks.

Also, still bowing? After a whole night? Dear Tiny-Snake-God Miss Elf, that has to be wicked uncomfortable. Also sort of counter-productive. Looking at the floor isn't helpful.

"Hisssss"

No... still looking at the floor.

Hey, [Spirit Attendant] get her attention for me.

"YOUNG ELF! THE FOREST GOD DEMANDS YOUR ATTENTION!"

Woah-woah-woah, too much! Too much! Simmer down there champ, you're waking up the sleeping beauties.

Look at that, seriously.

And while you're at it, look at Miss Elf. She seems like she might be in the process of a heart attack.

Yeah, dial it back a bit [Spirit Attendant] and just ask her to take use outside.

"THE FOREST GOD WISHES TO BE CARRIED OUT OF THIS SHRINE! MAKE IT SO, YOUNG ELF!"

Hisss... I literally smell terror.

It's not a good smell.

Trust me, everytime I level up I get better at noticing this sort of thing.

0/10.

And, as much as I know I should really feel a smug bit of satisfaction for the crazy warrior who was about to offer up my still-beating tiny snake heart as tribute to a giant owl... geez.

Miss Elf looks like she's about to scream in fear or cry, and it's making me feel a little guilty.

"With what shall I carry you, oh great one?" She's desperate right now, looking for anything not covered in puke. "What would suffice?"

There's grovelling, and then there's straight-up fear. As something of a professional at the second option, I'm pretty good at recognizing that when I see it

"IT MATTERS NOT, DECIDE QUICKLY."

Geeeez, quiet already. I know I'm a bit hung-over, but I'm pretty sure I turned your volume down twice in the last minute alone.

Really, I'm starting to think that [Spirit Attendant] has a bit of an ego. It went and woke the whole place up, the other Elves are all scrambling now.

I feel like that uncool dad busting into the party-house a day too-early.

"Will this do, great one?"

"YES YOUNG ELF. LET US GO."

Hiss...

So much for an unnoticed bit of fresh air. It's not every day you get paraded through a village sitting in an empty wine-bowl.

Majessssssssstic.

[Spirit Attendant] make some small talk.

"WHAT DO YOU FIND MOST IMPRESSIVE ABOUT THE FOREST GOD?"

[Spirit Attendant] you suck at this.

"The Forest God?" At least Miss Elf seems to understand the concept of "small" talk. See how she's not shouting at the top of her lungs?

"YES, THE FOREST GOD. YOU FOOLISH ELF."

[Spirit Attendant] you really suck at this.

"I apologize, oh great one. I am not accustomed to speaking with such divinity."

"IT MATTERS LITTLE. TELL US YOUR ANSWER."

"Oh great spirit of fire, if I am to answer: I must say his strength, of course."

"WHAT OF HIS STRENGTH?"

"It protects us, all of us in the Forest. Defends us from the cursed blood that haunts the lands beyond our borders."

"WHAT ELSE?"

"Well... His gifts are earned, given fairly and not stolen like our enemies. He is a true Guardian of the world, chosen by the world."

Hiss... I have no idea what she's talking about, but it sounds pretty sincere. Up ahead though... yeah small talk is coming to a close.

"YOUR WORDS PLEASE THE GOD, YOUNG ELF. NOW SILENCE."

Miss Elf and I made it about fifty slithers. A decent distance for an Elf wearing a wine dish with a snake in it to walk, honestly, but it seem's we've found the Chief Elf and his old-folk cronies.

Earlier than expected.

I don't know how they're so calm about this, really. None of them are running away yet, but I think I would be- in their situation.

I've never tried to kill a god before, but I imagine that could end rather badly.

Yeah.

Well, still... here they are. Walking back to check up on their handy-work no doubt. Calm faces and lack of running away in terror noted, I think they looked anything but pleased to see my beautiful figure peering over the edge of the wine-bowl.

"Greetings, oh Great one." The Chief is already taking a knee.

Here we go...

The bows, the pleasantries, the questions on whether I was happy with things so far: I'm not that stupid. That chief and a couple elders looked like they were one good "hiss" away from shitting their britches, and those formalities were all just stalling and smokescreen as one of the farthest Elders tried to duck off and made their best efforts to disappear.

Listen, I see what's going on here.

Ah, look- another Elder went and did that weird "fade off" thing they seem to do. Magic, only it smells like... blood. Gross.

And there goes another one.

Soon as they think I'm not looking, they're like rats jumping from a sinking boat.

Off to some secret meeting, no doubt.

Look, I'm admittedly not the brightest crayon in the box- but I'm also not a total idiot. I have eyes, way to many levels elevating my senses, and a glowing ball of ghost-fire floating over their heads.

They must think I'm some dumb-animal that stumbled onto intellect or something. Some sort of ignorant fantasy-uplift. Little do they know I was prepared for this by endless marathons of television I shouldn't have been watching.

This is called misdirection.

Oh they're all smiles and excuses now, but it's so obvious it's painful.

Like, what do they take me for?

I mean seriously- they've broken out the dancing maidens again. Look at that- there's wine flowing, there's even confetti in the air!

They have to know I'm onto them.

Oh, they know.

I mean, I've been onto them since the moment Miss Elf was instructed to walk me up to the top of this Giant-Stump-stage and those warrior guys started juggling fire.

How the hell Elves can manage this hung-over is beyond me.

I mean, how the heck can elvish woman move around like that after drinking their own body-weight in wine just a few hours ago?

Hisssss...

It is good wine though...

Really good wine.

Anyways, just because the misdirection is working doesn't mean I don't know what they're doing.

All I'm trying to say.

"THE FOREST GOD DEMANDS MORE FRUIT!"

"Yes, right away Great one!"

THE FOREST GOD DEMANDS A SHOW, MORE DANCERS!"

"Yes, certainly! Anything for you, oh Great Lord of the Forest!"

Okay, I'll admit, I kinda like this.

I know I shouldn't, but you know what? It's okay.

I'm cool with it.

Being appreciated is nice, even if the source of motivation behind it is a bit sinister. If those Elders are too scared to try anything other than poison, I'm not really even all that worried.

Besides: they really call that a poison? Pleeeeease: they should try eating nothing but dungeon-shrooms for a few months. I could probably drink that stuff by the bucket everynight and only come out stronger for it.

This is all good.

All part of my master plan: see, I can use this as a chance to find out a bit more, learn a few things. I can figure out what the deal is with this crazy place I've landed. For example, Miss Warrior Elf. It's about time to get her talking a bit, and she's been way more formal than necessary- obviously taking this God thing a bit too seriously.

See, she's bowing again.

Soon as she set down my fancy wine-bowl, right back to bowing.

We're basically alone atop a giant Tree-stump for god's sake, that really can't be comfortable. Slivers and such, but I'm sure I can get her talking soon. I'll get this talking-through-a-medium thing down eventually.

Ah, that brings me to my most recent break-through.

"MORE WINE! THE FOREST GOD DEMANDS MORE WINE!"

"Stop grovelling Young Elf, the Forest God wishes to speak with you."

Eeeeh?

Hear that?

That's the sound of [Spirit Attendant #1] and [Spirit Attendant #2] respectively.

Oh yeah, I'm making [Progress]

Took a bit of magical poking and prodding, and I might have tinkered with a few forces beyond my comprehension, but it's looking like I can split the ability now that it went and ranked a few times.

It's a lot like my Earth Magic... sort of.

Not really.

Close enough.

As long as I leave half of it on auto-pilot in the background, I can speak quietly with the second half. Two floating wisp-wisps instead of just one.

Pretty neat.

"The Great one? Speak with me? It's..." Miss Elf is pulling a deer in head-light sort of face. I'd say this is pretty comical for a warrior who cut out a dinosaurs heart with a knife, but then again- she cut out a dinosaur's heart with a knife. "It's not proper. Only the Chief and the elders should speak to The Forest God."

"Who decides what is proper, little Elf? The Chief, or The Forest God?"

"The Forest God, of course."

"Then there is no problem."

Oh wow. [Spirit Attendant #2] has some spunk. Anymore of that and Miss Elf is going to start bowing again. Relax a bit there lil' fella. Leave the crazy stuff to numero uno.

"AND HE DEMANDS GREATER TRIBUTE! MORE! MORE! MORE!"

See? [Spirit Attendant #1] has that sort of thing under control. Let's just ask her a few questions, keeping the threats to a minimum. A little bit of tact goes a long way, you know?

"Young Elf: Why did your Chief poison the Great Forest God?"

Ah... sheesh. That was blunt [Spirit Attendant #2] and great- see? Look what you just did, now she's terrified! Might as well have frozen her solid you little floating jerk-ball.

[Spirit Attendant #1] get back in here and fix this.

"WHAT DO YOU FIND SECOND-MOST IMPRESSIVE ABOUT THE FOREST GOD?"

Tiny-snake-god-damn: you guys suck at this.