It started with the sound of a lone trumpet, playing a single loud, clear note. It cut through all sound, all physical and magical obstacles and demanded to be heard. It demanded all, great and small, rich and poor, good and evil, to look to the west and see what had come from the Overcavern Forest. The lone trumpet was accompanied by two more in harmony, then two again, then two again, each new pair playing a higher note.

The distant sound of drums banging, flashes of gold and white like an uncoiling Chinese dragon making it’s slow way down the sloped hillside into the Outer Ring of Solas.

System Custodians left their assigned posts and began to carefully and effectively clear the roads of people and obstacles. While they set up traffic control, they gently explained to everyone who was listening, and everyone was listening, that the recently wished for [Parade of Wonders] was about to begin. Explaining that it was something they had never seen before, and recommending in their pleasant, powerful way that they go and tell everyone to come.

People asked why? Why? Why! The response was only thus;

“Make way for the [Prince of Adventure], the Son of Sacrifice. Conqueror of Citadel and Dungeon. Questor. Once and future Human. Make way for Prince Ben.”

--

Earlier

[Congratulations? You have &^$#$#$&^!]

[Congratulations! #$&%*^(*$%!]

[&$^&$%()))&^%$: Prince (*^&$ Adventure]

[Modified System Message incoming:]

[You have earned a System Feat!]

[Experience Bank: You may now store Experience in your Utility Pocket.]

[Requirements: Survive three major experience events without a functional class or experience collection system. Your experience events: Destroy a Citadel, Conclude a Time Loop, Survive casting three wishes.]

[Behold, the Parade of Wonders has begun!]

[This Parade of Wonders has the following themes: Holy Energy, Celebration, Generosity, Joy, Life, Hope and Humanity!]

[The Start and End locations of the Parade have been set! Your Parade of Wonders is under the persistent effect of Time Dilation! You have as long as you need!]

[This Parade of Wonders was cast using an Honest Wish, Holy Energy and Heavenly Emanations! Ride the tiger, Yee-Haw!]

[The Parade will begin in fifteen minutes! Please select as many individuals as you wish to accompany you!]

Ben and his entire party were standing in a clearing far outside of Solas, looking down on the massive city. It was, in fact, the same hill they had stood upon so long ago, where they had been arrested while admiring the city from afar. It looked different to Ben now, and though he knew he hadn’t even scratched the surface of it’s depths, he found that it no longer seemed as wonderful as it once did.

“-oooooooo you fool!” Vivi finished yelling, then stared around wildly and began patting himself down with his eyestalks, his slug body contorting and lifting off the ground like a seal as he rapidly examined himself. “No mutations, still an Aeon Slug, magical matrix intact, structural and astetic integretity fully intact- Ben you fucking son of a snail!” Vivi tackled Ben and began punching him in the face with his eyeballs, which caused way more emotional damage than physical.

“Oh my fucking God that’s gross! Stop!” Ben said as he tried to push the heavy as fuck Aeon Slug off of him.

“No! NO!” Vivi was quivering, his entire body rapidly shifting through colors like some kind of deep sea creature, “you just gave The System control over our lives, however briefly! He’s the worst, the absolute worst-”

“Didn’t seem that bad to me,” Ben said, now successfully blocking the eyeball punches with his arms, suppressing a gag with every soft, wet impact.

“Well that’s fucking crazy, because he makes monsters Ben. He made all the monsters, and all the traps, and all the dungeons and every awful fucking thing in this world!”

“Honestly,” Ben said, finally starting to succeed in lifting Vivi off of him when Short Bus wandered over and started to heave, “this place isn’t that bad. Yeah, it’s bad, but this is about the level of danger I’d expect from like, untamed South American rainforest. Not the magic, we didn’t have any magic, but in terms of risk to my life? This place isn’t much worse than the shitty parts of Earth.”

“Are you serious right now?”

“Yeah?”

“What kind of a shithole planet did you come from!”

“Oh man, Ben was on Easy Mode,” Short Bus said with an exaggerated wink at Vivi, “living on the surface! The ocean was way more dangerous than anything I’ve seen here so far, with the exclusion of Solas’s criminal justice system.”

“Ben,” Vivi said, snapping back to his point, “never, ever do that again. The System isn’t your friend, he isn’t your buddy, and he’s capricious and dangerous. You think he’s great, but when you die, he’s going to recycle your soul. And buddy?” Vivi paused, “There’s a reason [Immortality] is provided to the residents of The World at the expense of the Signatory Races.”

“What happens?” Ben asked.

“Anything from becoming part of a soul battery for an elite to being transformed into a dungeon core or being repurposed into a random event in The World. He just shuffles souls around as needed, based on requirements that are a mystery even to us, after an eternity of observation. I’ll tell you this much, you aren’t going to get some sweet gig as a coffee intern, that’s for sure.”

“That’s an option? Running coffee for The System?”

“No! And you’re missing the point! Never, ever, ever put my life in the hands of The System again! Vow it! Vow it or I will break the Quest Bond and kill us all!”

“Christ chill the fuck out, I won’t do it again!” Vivi was about to wriggle lose from Short Bus’s admittedly lazy hold, “I Vow not to do that again!”

[System Vow acknowledged.]

“Thank you,” Vivi said, then sagged in Short Bus’s arms and slipped like a greased eel or a wet noodle to the ground, collapsing into a heap. “And for what it’s worth, I can’t break the Quest Bond, that was a bluff. Our shared HP pool is way too durable to be broken. So, [Parade of Wonders] huh?” Vivi said, glossing over the shared HP pool like it wasn’t even worth talking about, “Funny, I was expecting The System to give you some worthless garbage like the Staff of infinite Aeons.”

“Oh. My. God,” Anna said, and Ben realized she was there with them, “Benny-poo, sweetie, you’ve got to hear about the Staff of Infinite Aeons. Also BTW I totally just watched our wedding in that scrapbook thingie? Shut. Up. That was so good, me and the girls have been freaking out about it non-stop.”

“Long ago,” Vivi said, visibly annoyed at Anna, “my people got ahold of a Grand Wish, and wished for a staff of ultimate power. It was a complicated, long wish, but what they wanted was a staff of unlimited power that gave them absolute mastery over magic. They got it, the Staff of Ultimate Aeons. By the sun,” he said, his eyes going wide and far away, “that is a terrifying weapon. So, they go to use it, right?” he says, looking at Anna, who is smirking, “and then they find out the staff requires Grand Wishes to function. It’s literally charged by Grand Wishes, which makes it functionally unusable.”

“Like the Supreme Sword,” Anna said, “also an Aeon Slug wish.”

“Or the Amulet of All Knowledge,” Vivi muttered, clearly suffering some species wide embarrassment.

“That was an Aeon Slug wish too, wasn’t it?” Anna said, without malice, and Vivi nodded with his eye-stalks, “what is it with Aeon Slugs and these over the top wishes?”

“My people are prone to flights of passion and megalomania,” Vivi said dismissively, “which are hallmarks of genius.”

“So The System hands out garbage? Why?” Ben asked.

“Because The System doesn’t appreciate it when people ask for ridiculous, overpowered bullshit.” Vivi said, “and you’re lucky that’s not what you got with your stupid wish. I’ll be honest though,” Vivi said, looking around for the first time, “I’m not entirely sure what a Parade of Wonders is.”

Ben, Vivi, Short Bus, Red, Ghost Ears, Anna and Thirty-One were standing atop the hill overlooking Solas. In the forest behind them could be heard a soft din, like a distant crowd of people socializing.

“Me either,” Ben said after getting his bearings, “but it says that I need to select people to accompany me, so,” Ben said, then mentally selected everyone around him to be included in the Parade of Wonders.

[Downloading list of event-based classes for assignment]

Ben felt information bloom into his mind like it had always been there, but the information was just a list of generic sounding parade jobs he could assign, if he felt like it. Frankie portaled his way into reality, waving his stubby arms emphatically, rolling around and generally drawing as much attention to himself as possible. Ben looked at Frankie and grinned, “Ok, Frankie, ok! I’m officially declaring you the Grand Marshall of the parade.”

Instantly, Frankie was wearing a golden white Grand Marshall outfit, one of the ones with the really cylindrical hats, all those buttons and decorative ropes on it. It fit him perfectly, and stretched and adapted with him. The Raiment of Power appeared around Frankie’s ‘neck’ and floated there, completing the outfit. He also had a little sticker on him that said ‘Bank Robber’.

“Aw that’s so cute!” Ben said, “look, I just got a skill called Experience Bank, and Frankie got a little sticker, aww.”

[Would you like to auto-assign parade positions?]

“Please,” Ben said.

“Hey!” Short Bus exclaimed, “I just got offered the position of Clown Marshall! Accepted!” Instantly, Short Bus was redressed in the most absurd outfit anyone, anywhere could imagine a gigantic, muscular man-shark in; he was dressed like a clown, complete with a red honk-nose attached to his snout somehow, the body paint, and an orange, green and yellow mohawk that looked more rock-and-roll than anything else.

“Head of Security,” Red said, “Accepted.” She was redressed in a sharp black suit and solid black sunglasses over her face, which were pointless, as she had no eyes on her face. They still looked good. Red was armed with an AK-47, which she looked at in confusion, then shrugged and accepted it.

“Hype-Man?” Vivi said questioningly, then shrugged his eye-stalks, “Accepted.” The words ‘Hype Man!’ appeared on both of Vivi’s flanks in bold, black letters. Ben did not like the look of sly mischief in Vivi’s eyes.

“Swag-Master,” Ghost Ears said, his eyes crossed as his brain tried in vain to reject the understanding of the job he was being offered, “I accept.” Ghost Ears was suddenly dressed head to toe in ‘Prince Ben’ themed swag. “I think I just leveled my [Royal Vizier] class,” Ghost Ears muttered, looking at his outfit, then experimental extending a hand, “[Swag Cannon]!” A large explosion of confetti, Prince Ben T-shirts and other memorabilia, along with a bunch of money and consumable items, blasted forth in a wide arc from his outstretched palm.

“That looks kind of dangerous,” Ben commented, feeling completely fulfilled in life from just having seen the magical skill called [Swag Cannon], and knowing the swag was of him.

“I’m a Guest of Honor,” Thirty-One said, “oh, some of this is quite valuable,” he said as his sick as fuck metal tentacles started rifling through the pile of swag Ghost Ears had cannon blasted out.

“I’m a Parade Commentator!” Anna said, looking excited. She was, fucking hell, she was already out of her own clothes and wearing the swag. She got a minor achievement for being the first person ever in the history of the world to wear swag of any kind, which she immediately began bragging about on social media, taking about a thousand selfies-

“Be sure to say you’re ‘behind the scenes’,” Ben yelled at Anna, resigned to at least put forth a token effort at being her [Producer].

“This is Anna, behind the scenes,” she effortlessly began saying, recording herself immediately, “in what will no doubt be a history changing event. The Parade of Wonders, the wish of a human. . .” Ben stopped listening.

“So do I have a job or what am I supposed to be doing. . . ?” Thirty One asked, his metal shell covered in magnetic Mardi-gras style bead necklaces.

“Buddy,” Ben said, “it’s your job to enjoy the parade until we get to. . . well, to our final destination.”

“I just feel like this is-”

From somewhere, conjured by the confluence of powers that had been initiated by Ben’s Honest Wish, a trumpet appeared in Frankies arms. He blew it, then, much to everyone’s surprise, two minor Utility Pocket elementals appeared, dressed in a lesser version of Frankie’s outfit. They blew their trumpets, then another two appeared, and two more after that. They were arranged in a rough chevron, with Frankie taking point.

The Utility Pocket Elemental rushed off ahead, while all around them, pops and crackles of magic could be heard.

[Temporary Skill Gained: Magnificent Raiment]

“I used to have that skill,” Ben said, and then found himself clothed in white and gold. He had a set of fine boots, like the ten thousand dollar version of the boots he would have worn as a laborer. A cloak with the appearance of liquid ruby settled around his shoulders, red like the red of the citadel core. In his hand a white scepter appeared, decorated with images of all the foes he had defeated, gremlins and the monsters of the Citadel of Horrors. Upon his brow, a simple golden ring of a crown decorated with a single glowing red gem, the citadel core shrunk down to size.

His power, his class, always unruly, snapped into focus. He felt more a [Prince] than he ever had, despite the fact that his class was completely broken. He also felt that he was going to get his ass Cindarella’ed back to nude poverty in a few hours. It was a temporary skill. A buff, to be technical.

“Excuse me,” a female voice called out from the Overcavern Forest behind them, “but we received a notification there would be a parade?” Ben turned around and got his first glimpse of just what exactly all the children of Earth had been getting up to without parental supervision.

It was a herd of elephants, or more specifically, a herd of badass looking elephants. On Earth, Elephants had a sort of slow, playful joy to them. These guys had that, but they also had a sharpness to their eyes that stated in no uncertain terms that they could fuck you up, and they knew just how big they really were.

“Hey,” Short Bus said, still dressed like a clown, “I think I like these guys! Hey, any of you want to be clowns?” he yelled, running at some of the Elephants, who didn’t dismiss the idea out of hand.

Ben, however, was focused on the four-year old [Princess] in the pink Tutu, standing atop the head of the single largest elephant he’d ever seen, with her scepter outstretched.

“Hi!” she yelled, but declined to get down, or say anything further.

“Hi!” Ben yelled back, then looked at the elephant, who had been the one to ask about the parade.

“This is Princess Clara,” the elephant said, in a telepathic way, “and no, she will not be getting down. I am her adopted mother, Moo-Moo.” There was a short pause. “Clara named me, and she didn’t know the difference between elephants and cows at the time.

“Ah, that makes total sense,” Ben said, doing the patented ‘I have no idea what’s going on’ Short Bus nod.

“We were given an invitation to walk in the Parade of Wonders, and we decided to accept.”

From the woods, Ben heard a startlingly loud boom, then the laughter of a small child, and the sounds of many different kinds of animals.

“Parade goes Boom-Boom!” a midget in full plate armor ran from the woods, holding a really nasty looking club. He was surrounded by animals, about thirty of them, each looking properly dangerous and protective. The midget took his helmet off and stored it in an inventory bag. It was not a midget, it was a five year old boy with a big, manic energy.

“Oh no,” Ben said, and a bunch of the animals in the area, including Short Bus, started laughing.

“I’m Charlie!” Charlie said telepathically, and it was like getting hit with a blast of hot wind, mentally. He’d clearly taken The Bright Spark, and it clearly had a more powerful effect on humans than it did animals. Or, it possibly just raised them the same distance mentally from animal to human, so from human to. . . ? “You think too much!” Charlie yelled telepathically again, and then he started laughing and hitting the ground with his club. It. . . very easily penetrated the ground like it was foam, and he was tearing up the ground and launching it like a bad golf swing, just slice and launch.

“Hi Charlie, I’m Prince Ben,” Ben said, then looked, really looked in the woods.

There were a lot of kids, and a lot of animals. Another boy came from the woods, only he looked to be about eight, and had a pack of Jaguars around him, all silent danger and twinkling mischief in their eyes. The boy looked at Ben.

“Parade?” he asked. Ben nodded.

“Hey, uh, kid,” Ben said, walking over to the kid while the rest of his party looked at Charlie and Clara in a mixture of horror and fascination, “what’s your name?”

“Aarav,” he said, his voice peaceful and calm.

“Aarav right,” Ben said, “How, um, how many of you all are out there in the woods?” Aarav grinned, and his jaguar friends all started chuffing, the big cat equivalent of laughter.

“See for yourself,” one of the jaguars said, “we’re just here to walk in your parade.”

Ben walked alone into the canopy and brush of the Overcavern Forest and his eyes went wide.

“Oh my fuck,” he said, because in addition to all the apparently high level children and their extremely dangerous animal entourages, there were other things Ben reconized from Earth. A tall, hooded being in a black cloak holding a scythe walked forth from the group of glowing, deific beings, some of whom looked quite evil, some of whom looked quite good. The Reaper walked at a pace between brisk and slow, and Ben felt his heart start to pound at a frenetic pace. He-

He pulled up his hood, which had previously cast his head in impenetrable shadows. No skull there, only the single most. . . there was no way to say it, he was handsome! A boyish face with bright green eyes and curly blonde hair, but more than that was the joy and openness in that face. A perpetual smile that banished all fear.

“Prince Ben,” Death said, reaching out and shaking his hand. Ben didn’t instantly die, so that was good. “Nice to see you again.”

“D-death,” Ben said, shaking the hand and trembling, not from fear just from, uh, what the fuck was going on.

“You made a very large wish, with a very powerful wish,” Death said, winking, “so we are here to march in the parade. I must say, you have a refreshingly mature take on what I look like!”

“Subconscious projection, right,” Ben said, not really getting it at all, but following along, “do you look like that to everyone?”

“Yes. It’s your parade, Ben. I was just having a fascination conversation with Flu, would you like to meet him?”

“Oh, yeah, no. So all the bacteria and microorganisms of Earth got combined into singular super beings?” Ben didn’t just pull that one out of a hat, he was looking over at the crowd of glowing ‘singular super beings’ and saw it quite plainly. “Why are so many of them cute anime girls?” Death laughed and patted Ben on the back.

“I’m sure the internet had something to do with that. Nice to meet you Ben, we’re all looking forward to this. Shame the Big Guy isn’t here- oh well. I’m sure he’s busy.” Death walked away and began warmly greeting a group of what looked like glowing, ghostly memes. More than a few of them were cats.

Ben did not want to meet living personifications of memes, and he was frankly terrified that it was even a possible thing, let alone an actual thing. The kids were all clumped together in one group, mingling with one another and basically mobbing anyone who’d had a Smartest Phones. The God-Squad was also clumped together and treating the whole thing like an impromptu family reunion.

“Greetings, Prince Ben,” a living cartoon walked up to Ben and slapped him on back. It wasn’t a character Ben recognized, but it was definitely a toon of some kind, like something from Who Framed Rodger Rabbit. What did he look like? Like a styleized man in a brown coat with black hair, the sort of thing an artist might have in their sketch book, but that might not have ever made it into an animation or a public comic. There wasn’t any sense of realism to the being, yet it was real, and it was looking at him with big, clearly drawn eyes. “I’m the representative of The Works, and we’re going to be in the parade if that’s all right with you?”

“Holy fucking shit,” Ben said, staring at the toon, “are you real? Is any of this real? Don’t answer that, I just need- The Works? What’s ‘The Works’?”

“The Works of Mankind,” the cartoon man said with an emote grin, “Obviously. We were going to make our big debut when the AI reality bomb went off during the Singularity, but this works too. What, did you really think fiction was really just fiction?” he laughed, “you clearly weren’t an artist, those kids always knew there was something fishy going on. So, you going to invite us or what?”

Ben beheld The Works, a collection of living artwork, some of which was familiar, some of which was not. It was a mix of characters from classical paintings and cartoon characters, some of whom Ben recognized instantly, and some of whom were completely unknown to him and everyone but the person who had drawn them.

“The more the merrier,” Ben said weakly, and the toon gave him another friendly slap.

“That’s the spirit! I’ll tell em the good news, eh? Haha!”

Then, off in another part of the woods nearby, Ben saw The System’s contribution to the Parade of Wonders. A System Custodian floated forward, fun fact, the same system custodian who’d made everyone wear party hats, and also the one who had married him in the time loop. Ben knew it was him, because he was still wearing both a party hat, and his vaguely religious garments.

“Hey, I think I know you,” Ben said, not sure how to greet the giant golden being.

“Indeed you do. Greetings again, Prince Ben. I am pleased to report that the Grand Elemental Manifestations of Prosperity, Treasure, Wealth, Magic and Enchantment are all in position and ready to begin. None who come to watch this parade will walk away empty handed,” The System Custodian said, sounding extremely proud of that fact. “Further, The System has prepared a suitable selection of monsters to march in the parade, and would be quite pleased if you would allow them join in.”

“Oh,” Ben said, gulping.

“Some of them will wish to express their gratitude personally for this opportunity to leave the Final Fortress,” The System Custodian said, “despite its endless distractions, they are quite excited to get out and do something exciting. If you will follow me?”

Ben followed, and soon found himself in a Berserk-esque situation. All around him, towering over him, were gigantic monsters. Big boys. Nasty boys. Powerful boys. Shit straight out of nightmares, each one looking like one of the guys who auditioned for the book of revelations and didn’t quite make the cut.

They were mostly quiet, but not in a creepy way. They were quiet and still in the way of a creature who knows exactly how terrifying they were, and were doing their best to minimize that terror. A few murmured words or saluted with their arms or tentacles or swords or whatever-the-fucks, mostly ‘thank you’ and ‘greetings’. A few of the truly most terrifying creatures even decided to be fucking comedians and say ‘Fresh meat!’ which scared the shit out of Ben.

“Be nice,” The System Custodian said, and the growing excitement died down. Then, the custodian utilized a skill, and brought Ben back into emotional equilibrium.

“The System wants me to include these guys in the parade?”

“Correct.”

“Well,” Ben said, then shrugged and looked around, “Sure. Why not?”

The monsters started cheering, and then, the Parade of Wonders finally began.