Chapter 10

The ceremony was to take place, ironically, right outside the gates of the Elemental Circle of Music. According to Anna, it was one of the hottest and most exclusive wedding venues in Solas, and only her BBFL, Best Bitches for Life, status with Dubdella could possibly have gotten her permission to utilize the space on a day’s notice. Ben attempted to get excited about that, and failed.

Weddings in The World were weird. They had a strong overlap with Earth weddings to be sure; chairs were arranged in rows; there was a central aisle; the bride and groom walked down the aisle and someone with a religious based class like [Priest] or [War Chanter] would utilize their [Ceremonial Bonds] skill to bind the two together magically so they couldn’t easily betray one another. That last part was exactly like what happened on Earth, or at least close enough.

So, the mechanics were mostly the same, and that included the fact that weddings were always expensive. They got the venue for free, but unfortunately, between the two of them they were flat broke. Anna had initially claimed that she would be able to bankroll the entire thing, but a Smartest Phone call to the bank proved the value of her father’s spy network, because she’d already been completely cut off from her funds.

“Can’t say I didn’t expect that,” Anna said, completely unaffected by the roadblock.

“Couldn’t we just get a courthouse wedding?” Ben asked.

“What’s that?”

“On Earth if you were poor you could just go to a courthouse or a county clerk or something and get a wedding certificate issues. No ceremony required and all the legal requirements are met. Easy peasy.”

“Pfft they let poor people get married on Earth?” Anna was tickled by that fact, “Ben, what’s stopping anyone from hitting them with a [Divorce] skill and breaking the bond?”

“Uh.”

“No, sweetie, we need money. We’re up against Daddy, so we’re going to want to get a high level [Priest] and all the ceremonial junk they need to get fully empowered. Not cheap. It’ll be tricky, but we want to get an [Unbreakable Marriage Bond], that’s the only way we’ll be able to use it in court.”

“What about getting a loan from Dubdella?” Ben didn’t really want to get married, but at this point he acknowledged that it was likely his best shot at getting out of this whole mess, and he was sick and tired of looping the same three days over and over again, and then dying over and over again.

“Sorry,” Dubdella said, “I don’t have that kind of money. This is all I can really do,” she said, waving at the venue. She was happily playing with ‘the kids’, of whom about a quarter had already faded away into nothing. Ben wasn’t sure if he was horrified, wasn’t sure exactly what his parentage and responsibilities were in regards to the Elemental Notes, but according to Dubdella their survival rate was nothing short of astounding. ‘Our babies are strong!’ she’d yelled at one point. Ben kind of wanted to die right now.

“I already asked her anyways,” Anna said dismissively, “and pretty much everyone else who I could shake down for cash. No luck there. Say, Ben,” Anna scooted closer to him on the cloud bench they were seated on, “what do people do when they need to get rich quick on Earth?”

“Pfft, what don’t they do.”

“Like what?”

“Oh, off the top of my head? Insurance fraud, like getting run over by a car on purpose. Tax fraud, identity theft, uh, lottery tickets, trying to get a viral video, donation scams usually in conjunction with a viral video, selling an organ, getting a corporate logo tattooed on their faces for sponsorship cash, begging, selling drugs- what, you’ve got a look.”

“I think there’s an idea in there,” Anna said excitedly, pulling out her phone, “so you know how we got paid for those pictures of like animals and stuff right? And then when I recorded you guys doing stupid shit and The System bought the rights to it?”

“Yeah?”

“What if we sell the wedding!” Anna was messing around on the phone now, furiously tapping at the screen with her crystal fingers, typing and searching for something. “like, like, come on,” she was frowning and staring hard, reading fast. Then, “Ah ha!” she pulled Ben close to her and held the phone out as far as her arm would reach so she could record both of them at once. “Hey everybody! It’s me, Anna!” she made a kissy face at the camera, “and I’ve got great news! I’m getting married! Ahhhh!” she gave a fake, quiet scream of excitement, covering her mouth with one hand, “and it’s going to be the hottest thing ever, because we are going to live stream it, and we are going to be selling tickets to watch! So,” she gave the camera a very winning, attractive face, “we are willing, on a very selective basis, to allow a few sponsors the privilege of hosting the event. Like, everybody in The World is going to be watching this shit, so if you had something to say, or wanted to get your name out there, now’s your chance! BTW, the ceremony is TOMORROW BITCHES! Peace!” Anna made another kissy face and shut off the recording. “There, that ought to do it,” she said confidently.

“It did?” Ben asked dubiously.

“Oh. My. Stars.” Anna was staring at her phone, eyes wide, “We just landed a sponsor.”

“We did?” Ben asked incredulously, “who?” In response, Anna handed Ben her Smartest Phone. On the screen was an image of The System, leaning forward in a chair as if hypnotized, slowly eating a bucket of popcorn. Under the image was a short, one page legal agreement. It read, in essence, that Ben and Anna were selling the rights to their entire story thus far, all the events leading up to the wedding, for The System to bundle up into an advertising package. He would then use the opportunity to sell Smartest Phones at a special discounted price to anyone who purchased a ticket to watch the celebrity wedding. The document looked like it had been heavily edited, and near each edit was the symbol of the Ring of Sacrifice. Ben had a feeling that if The System weren’t bound to help humanity, and himself in particular, he couldn’t have gotten such generous terms and conditions.

It also gave The System the right to sell additional advertising slots, and the proceeds would be split 50-50 between the two parties. Ben saw the amount The System was willing to spend and handed the phone back to Anna.

“Is that a lot?” he asked, and Anna pressed ‘Accept’ as fast as she could, nodding rapidly.

“It’s enough,” Anna said, “and he’s willing to loan us a System Custodian to act as our [Priest], so that’s really, really good. You’d be hard pressed to find anyone actually capable of breaking that [Marriage Bond], let alone anyone willing to do it and risk the wrath of the custodians. The System is also going to sponsor all the ceremonial instruments and buffs, so the Custodian is going to be at maximum power from a faith perspective.” Anna continued to scan the document, then made a noise of outrage, “What! We have to secure our own treasure piles! How stingy can you get!” She started shaking a crystal fist at the sky.

“Treasure piles?” Ben asked, and by this point he had both realized and was at peace with the fact that this was happening, and he was just along for the ride. This was now Anna’s show, and the name of the series was ‘Daddy Issues’.

“Yeah so we don’t look like broke bitches,” she made a face, “ugh, and everybody is going to be watching too. Do you know how embarrassing it would be to have the whole world watching my wedding and there weren’t just the most fabulous, expensive piles of magic gems and enchanted metals? It’d make the whole thing look like a big joke! Plus, everyone would think you had a small dick. No, can’t have that, hang on, I’ve got an idea.”

Anna got up and walked away from Ben, still in earshot as she made yet another call on her Smartest Phone. Short Bus had laughed himself to exhaustion hours ago, and was currently snoring loudly, sleeping in the middle of everything. Anyone who tried to move him was snapped at, and it really only takes a giant shark man snapping at you once to learn to just leave him alone when he’s sleeping.

“Yeah, Hi. This is Anna. No, you aren’t going crazy, you’re getting a phone call directly into your mind. No, you aren’t going to get possessed by ghosts. Bitch, call me a liar one more time and I’ll come down there and fuck you up proper!”

“Yep,” Ben said, watching Anna scream into the phone, “I’m about to marry that trainwreck. This is all Vivi’s fault.” Ben nodded his head, agreeing wholeheartedly with himself and resolving to rekt Vivi’s whole existence at the next available opportunity.

“I said open the fucking Vault!” Anna yelled into the phone, “Yeah! Yeah. No, it’s a rental. I’m getting married- Oh!” Anna immediately brightened, “You’ve heard? Wow, word gets around fast! For sure, yeah, go ahead, put a sponsor ribbon on it. The whole world is going to be watching you know, and we need to represent Solas properly, eh?” She laughed, “Eh! See, now that you’re listening, everything is fine. Yeah, pull out all the good shit from the Deep Vault, not just that dummy one. How much do we want? Hold on,” she put her hand over the speaker and looked at Ben, “how much treasure do you want to rent for the wedding?”

“Fifty thousand cubic yards,” Ben said with a straight face, “I want people to look at the pile and think I’ve got a huge dick and that I’m definitely not compensating for anything.”

“Hell yeah! We should’ve gotten married sooner, you’ve got good taste!” she removed her hand, “Yeah, we want fifty thousand cubic yards of treasure. Just pile that shit up high in giant mounds, like when [Princess] Solara got married.” There was a long pause, with a bunch of ‘Uh huh’s’ and ‘I see’s’, then Anna interrupted, “look, buddy. Listen, ok, just listen. Anyone who wants to work for free and slap a sponsor lable on their work is welcome. [Wizards], [Enchanters], [Constructors] I don’t care. The wedding is tomorrow, so what they can do, let em do.”

She hung up the phone, smiled, and then fell onto a couch.

“That. Was exhausting.”

--

It was his wedding day, he was getting ready and there wasn’t a cloud in the sky. No clouds were allowed in the sky, some [Wizard] had cast a spell banish them all away after all. Ghost Ears was screaming at him, something involving the words ‘Of all the stupid, hair brained cocamimi ideas,’ but Ben was tuning him out. If his class wasn’t broken, he would’ve gotten a skill called [Ignore Advice], but oh well. Ben didn’t need any help doing that.

He'd been in isolation for a long time, a marital tradition of Solas, that the bride and groom should be placed in isolation and have [Dispel] cast on them. Just to make sure that they weren’t under the effect of some skill. Everything had been scheduled in such a way that directly after the wedding, they would head to the courthouse reserved for Signatory Races for The Trial. One way or another, it all ended today. Short Bus had gone off to gather all the information the animals had been gathering through the various time loops and packaging it up into something he could store in Ben’s brain.

He didn’t think about that though.

What had struck Ben the most about his hours and hours alone in a dark room was how clear his mind was. How calm and still. It was the kind of silence that a man rarely gets to experience, and fewer still have the wisdom to enjoy. He knew that this was it, that nothing had a better shot than this. He was at peace, dressed in some weird alien outfit that defied concise literary description, the traditional dress for a groom, and he was about to get married for all the wrong reasons.

Once again, Ben was struck by the fact that this was all Vivi’s fault. But, Vivi was his friend, and Ben hadn’t had many friends over his life. Best to just stick by the ones you get, come hell or high water.

“I’m ready.” Ben spoke only to himself and exited his seclusion.

--

Great undulating spires of glittering gold, brilliant gemstones, swords and crowns and books of unsurpassing value reached into the infinite sky like the tentacles of an Elder God, crashing into one another, breaking, and reforming as they fought for dominance. Atop each spire of treasure was a face, monstrous and unique, like grotesque serpents with the heads of lions or vultures or crocodiles, with the heads of monsters Ben had never seen, and possibly never would. No clouds of the mundane variety, no! In the sky was a storm of fire that roiled with black smoke, great and tremendous bolts of light shredding through in a dizzying display of pyroclastic lightning. Clouds of summoned beasts flocked through the sky, demonic red humanoids straight from a Catholic nightmare. In the center of the storm an eye had formed, like the eye of a hurricane, and a shaft of sunlight fell through with force, illuminating the alter where a System Custodian floated, dressed in vaguely religious clothing, his blocky arms outstretched.

Plastered over everything were logos, and advertisements, and slogans. It wasn’t noticeable at first, but as soon as Ben saw the one, he saw them all, and the ‘Heavy Metal Album Cover’ vibe was replaced by something distinctly corporate. The grandeur ruined by a price tag. Ben closed his eyes and reminded himself that this wasn’t a real wedding anyways, and strode forward to confront his bride and their [Priest]. He could practically feel the eyes on him, viewing him through the dozens of Smartest Phone cameras that were scattered everywhere. Overhead, two colossal serpents of wealth clashed, spilling coin like blood on the ground as one triumphed over the other and began to feast, growing larger as it gorged.

Ben walked and entered the column of light, where Anna was dressed in a white, weird alien outfit that defied concise literary description, and was on her phone. Her face was delighted.

“I think this is the single biggest stream ever, even by Earth standards,” she said, not looking up from her screen, “Stars, the ad revenue alone, I think we might be richer than my dad!” she looked up, and put the phone away. “Well, let’s do this.”

“We’re ready,” Ben said, looking at the Custodian. It’s body was all blocky, thick enchanted gold, with a gigantic blue mana crystal in the form of a sphere forming the bulk of it’s huge form. It nodded a featureless head at him, and raised it’s arms.

“Behold, two who wish to undergo the [Rite of Marriage]. This bond shall allow them to freely share their lives with one another, to be in union of both property and rank, and bind them against betrayal. Never again shall they question the loyalty of the other, for they shall be bound by deep and ancient magics. The grade of this [Marriage Bond] shall be nothing less than [Unbreakable], and only by their own will can it be severed. Further, by the terms and conditions written in the great Lease of The World, by right of marriage shall Prince Ben be added to the ranks of the Signatory Races. This, technically, makes him a Royal Sunlet Prince, with all the privilege and access such a System based title confers. Are you ready?”

“Hold on a sec,” Anna said, pulling out her phone and making a kissy face, taking a picture, then sending it out to all her followers with the message ‘#onelifeends #anotherlifebegins’ written in white text along the top and bottom. Standard meme format, really. She put her phone away again. “Ok, I’m ready.”

“I’m ready,” Ben said, but he wasn’t really ready, because a crack opened in the sky and a waterfall of electricity descended upon both of them with both weight and inertia, a truly epic amount of mana having gone into their [Marriage Bond]. He couldn’t scream, or writhe, or do anything but be frozen in place, his every muscle tense as he rose into the air and felt a connection form with Anna, a deeply powerful bond that he knew to be unbreakable. No outside force could sever it. None, not ever.

They descended to the ground, both panting.

“Till death do you part,” the System Custodian said, then sagged with exhaustion. Short Bus rushed up to the alter, his face serious as he picked up Ben and Anna. “Come on,” he said, carrying them both effortlessly, “we don’t have any time to waste.” Ghost Ears followed behind them, shaking his head in disbelief.

“I can’t believe you pulled that off,” he said, staring at Ben in utter shock, “you’re a part of the Signatory Races now.” He shook his head. “I think we might get out of this.”

“Where’s Red and Vivi?” Ben asked, and Short Bus grimaced.

“Good thing we’re in a time loop,” was all he said, along with looking a little sick to his stomach.

“Oh, that bad?” Ben asked, also grimacing. “Fuck, good thing we’re in a time loop.”

“Wait we’re in a time loop?” Anna asked, then she shrugged, “oh well, I guess you get to do this twice then. No wonder this guy,” she pointed at Short Bus with a thumb, “insisted on recording this whole thing with that weird time loop scrapbook app- oh my stars I’m dumb. How did I not put that together?”

“Don’t worry about it,” Ben said, “just pay more attention in the future, ok?”

“Yeah,” she said, looking at Ben with a strange, evaluating expression. “You know? This whole thing might be a fucked up scheme to keep you guys alive, but Ben? I could do worse.” Ben looked at Anna, really looked at her. Sure, she was. . . well, she was Anna. And way to emotionally immature for him. And not really his type. And her internal body temperature was so hot it would literally turn his dick into ash if he ever attempted physical intimacy with her. But still.

“Me too,” he said, and to his surprise, he meant it. She might be completely incompatible with him in all the ways that mattered in a long term relationship. . . but she hadn’t run. Not at the Citadel, and not here either. She didn’t have many real friends either, and come hell or high water, she stuck with the ones she had. There was something so. . . human about her. “Anna?” Ben said, not knowing what he was about to say, “Thank you.”

She wanted to say something like, ‘Aw Bitch,’ and then give him a light slap. Instead, all she said, was “You’re welcome.”