Chapter 5

“All right everybody,” Vivi said, one eyestalk focused on the group, the other frantically flipping through one of his books on summoning. “I can tell from all your faces that none of you have ever been on trial before, and if you have, it was through some savage justice-based legal system.” Ben had multiple issues with that but kept quiet. “Here in The World, things are a lot cleaner. The legal system here is based on how powerful you are compared to your opponent, and what you can do to them without suffering retribution or consequences. You aren’t just allowed to kill one another, however, that would be complete chaos.”

“We wouldn’t want that,” Ben said dryly, giving the literal warzone surrounding the courthouse a quick glance.

“In court, you must be compelled to do whatever it is your enemies want to do to you. You have to be forced into doing it either via argument, persuasion, or skills designed to subvert the minds of other people.” Short Bus, the psychic shark, quietly placed himself between the party and the group of mind-control lawyers currently plotting against them. “These guys are likely all from the cavern layer below us-”

“What?” Ben asked, his face scrunched up in confusion, “they’re from a fucking cave?”

“No, the cavern layer below us dumbass, stop interrupting,” Vivi snapped, one eyeball still furiously flipping through books pulled from his personal pocket dimension. “They’re from a layer down, I can almost guarantee it, and they’re all exhibiting signs of level sickness. Yes Ben, I know you don’t know what level sickness it. Once you hit level twenty on the surface, you’re capped out and need to descend into an environment of more dense mana. If you don’t, you’ll get level sickness and be uncomfortable. Above level twenty-five, you stop being uncomfortable and start getting really sick. If you’re above level thirty, you don’t come back to the surface.”

“They’re all level twenty-five?” Ghost Ears asked in alarm, looking at the lawyers in shock, “Fairy shit, we’re fucked!”

“Ben, litter the courthouse with corpses,” Red said, crouching low and preparing to administer violence in remedy of the situation, “I suspect we will be able to ambush them and escape.”

“Do not!” Vivi practically shrieked, both of his eyes briefly focusing on Red and Ben, “actual violence in a courthouse is not allowed, and you won’t like what happens to anyone who breaks that particular rule.”

“Five minutes,” the hammer judge said, sounding miffed as fuck. Ben got the feeling she was more comfortable with a ‘savage justice-based’ legal system.

“Vivi what in the ever-living fuck are you looking for in those books?” Ben asked, “We need a fucking plan-”

“No Ben!” Vivi snapped, “we need some fucking cannon fodder lawyers those assholes can chew on while we come up with a plan. Why are all the lawyers in these books fucking celestial? Oh, by the abyss, finally, a [Legal Fiend],” Vivi said, then gave Ben a knowing look, “Wouldn’t want anyone to think we were unhinged lunatics, now would we?” Vivi, not knowing his statement had provoked profound confusion in Ben, turned to face the judge. “Your honor, permission to summon legal council.”

“[Sustained],” the judge said, far faster than the Sunlet prosecutor could object. “I advise you summon quickly, your prosecutors are over-leveled for this case and don’t seem to be looking for a fair fight.”

“Ben, everybody, I need some blood,” Vivi said, then produced several telekinetically floating knives, “Oh wait your royalty! And [Magical]!” Vivi said, looking at Ben in delight, “We’ll be able to get a much stronger demon for royal blood. Now, everybody, cut yourselves.”

Red, probably because she was a hardcore badass, didn’t balk at all and sliced her hand open, shedding blood the way other people blew their noses. Instead of the blood falling to the ground, however, it floated in midair, held aloft by Vivi’s magic.

Next, Short Bus gave Vivi a deeply suspicious glare, his black eyes boring deep into Vivi’s eye-stalks, and then blew out a frustrated hiss of a sigh and sliced his hand. The blood moved through the air and joined with Red’s, forming a larger blob of crimson.

Ghost Ears was only third because the knife was about as tall as him, and it was really awkward to find a way to shed blood without also slicing his entire hand off. He succeeded, swore loudly, and a few raindrop sized sprinkles joined with the rest.

Ben looked at the other four members of his party, then over at the prosecution. “Fuck these guys and fuck your legal system,” Ben muttered, then sliced his hand open. But before Vivi could collect the offering, Ben drew a circlet of blood on his forehead, a crimson crown. Much to the shock of everyone watching, the blood on his forehead immediately began to glow with vitality and seemed to reflect the same light as the Citadel of Horrors. It continued burning as Ben’s royal, [Magical] blood joined the red orb.

“Here goes nothing,” Vivi muttered, then carefully sliced an extremely thin patch of sensitive slug flesh just at the base of his eye-stalks. A single drop of brilliantly shining blood beaded up, and then fell through the air to complete the sacrifice. Vivi started chanting, and the prosecution started shouting [Objections], which were [Overruled] by the judge. The large blob flattened out to form a disk hovering parallel to the ground, it was starting to smoke and blacken. “Fragment of injustice, embodiment of lawful evil, I call you forth from The Beyond. I pull your essence from the great pattern, now never to be repeated again. Be embodied here, a servant to my will, and a protector of those whose blood now binds you to this world.”

The blood began to bubble and light began to fade around them.

“Know that I have called you into a body which matches your nature, a form for which you shall be greatly pleased. Formless evil be clothed in flesh, be summoned, [Noble Legal Fiend]!”

The blood turned black with dirty smoke, and the disk rose high. It flexed, then bulged downward like a water balloon being filled up, before bursting like an apartment ceiling from water damage, spilling filthy liquid all over the floor. From the disgusting deluge, a slimy, acid green demon rose. His eyes were the color of vivid rose petals, and he was clothed like an old English courtier, all red fabric and large golden buttons. The demon was, surprisingly, only about four feet tall, taller than Ben’s current Leap-recaun form to be sure, but it was no hulking monstrosity. It shuddered and sniffed the air, looking at each party member, but not at their faces, no, at the wounds where they had shed blood to summon it.

“Kin,” he hissed, his voice unbelievably pleasant to listen to, “I thank thee for thy summons.”

“Attention, order in the courtroom,” the hammer judge said, “our fifteen minute recess is now over. The prosecution may begin.”

“Defend us!” Vivi loudly whispered to the [Noble Legal Fiend], and Ben was surprised to see it immediately spring into action, intercepting the Signatory Race prosecutors as they started shouting at Ben’s party. It was immediately clear that though the summoned demon was strong, it was no match for three [Lawyers], all of whom were at least level twenty-five. Vivi, Ben noted, wasn’t even looking at the demon he summoned, but was instead looking at all the slime and gunk that was all over the floor around them.

“Oh that’s not good,” Vivi said, flipping through his books again, “that was way messier than it should have been.” He glanced at the fiend, who was starting to be visibly pushed back by the force of the prosecutions arguments and shouting. “No real good options here, ok everyone, cut yourselves again. He needs backup.”

Ben felt a sense of distinct unreality settle over his mind as he cut his hand for the second time to help summon another [Nobel Legal Fiend]. It was mostly identical to the first, except it was obnoxiously yellow instead of green. He cut his hand for a third time. Ben then switched hands and repeated the process until six demons were screaming and yelling and casting spells at the three alien [Lawyers], who were also screaming and yelling and returning magical fire, trying to get past them to start mentally attacking Ben’s group directly.

All the while, the slime and goo began to accumulate.

“If that necroplasm starts twitching, everybody run,” Vivi said, always keeping one eye on the pile of yuck.

A strange lethargy began to settle over the group once they summoned the seventh demon. It wasn’t blood loss, they truly hadn’t shed that much. No, it was like every summoning took a bit of them, a bit of their energy, of their essence, and it was starting to take a toll. Vivi was breathing heavily, a sluggy wheeze; his actual eyes were bloodshot, while eye stalks were sagging and crusted with blood. Red, who already hadn’t been in the best of shape, was sagged over her chair, just holding her arm out for the next cut. Short Bus was still standing, but it was obvious even his impressive vitality couldn’t take much more. Ghost Ears was drifting in and out of consciousness, resting on Vivi’s back. Ben noticed that he wasn’t as badly affected as the rest of the group, more than that, he didn’t feel affected by the toll of the summoning at all.

“I think,” Vivi wheezed, “ten or twenty more fiends should,” wheeze, “be able to fight these guys off. All right everyone,” wheeze, “cut.”

As everyone struggled to lift their arms and slice themselves open for the eighth time in a row, Ben had an epiphany. He stared at Vivi and asked an important question.

“Vivi, what level are you?”

“I’m a level 1 [Royal Summoner],” he responded, his voice starting to verge into loopy.

“It doesn’t matter how many fiends you summon, we aren’t going to win this fight.” Ben’s mind shifted gears from searching for good solutions, to reaching for desperate ones. His eyes turned from Vivi, to his ring, with two Honest Wishes sitting inside of it, ready for use.

“Ben don’t even think about wasting a wish here,” Vivi said, alarm animating him with a second wind. The prosecution, who had been watching Ben’s party warily before, suddenly stiffened in alarm and began fighting with an as of yet unseen desperation.

“He’s got a wish! Use all your best skills now!”

“Ben, you might not ever see another wish in your life,” Vivi warned, “we can just keep summoning fiends, we can get out of this! There’s no way you’ll be able to use the full potential of a wish in this situation, you’ll waste it all!”

“What do you mean waste it all,” Ben asked, a scowl on his face, “we’re going to die in here man. It’s not wasted if we survive.”

“Ben! It’s a fucking wish, and an honest one to boot! There’s no tricks or sly deceptions, that thing will actually give you what you want, in the way that you want it. It’ll go above and beyond your expectations and seek to grant your desire to the best of its ability! It’s worth more than our lives!”

“Fine,” Ben said, then looked at the party, “guys, do you trust me?”

“Yes,” Short Bus rumbled.

“Yes, my prince,” Red mumbled.

“Of course not you fucking idiot,” Ghost Ears grumbled.

“Three out of five, good enough for me,” Ben said, and then held his ring high above his head and spoke with every gram of authority he could muster up. His crown flared red, burning blood upon his head, and this is what he said. “I am in possession of two honest wishes, and if you do not cease your prosecution at once, I am going to wish for The System to wreak eternal vengeance upon all parties responsible with the full power of both of them.”

The prosecution, at first, didn’t seem to hear him all that well. They kept attacking the demons, until the hammer judge began screaming at them.

“[Shut your fucking mouth]!” She yelled, with all the force of a skill, “He’s got wishes you bloody fookin idoits!” Ben could swear that he heard a distinctly familiar accent bleed through the stress, but he couldn’t quite place it outside of fantasy games. The lawyers blinked several times as if in a daze, cut off instantly by both the skill, and the statement following it. They looked at Ben, and he raised his wishing hand a bit higher.

“I am [Prince] Ben, royalty, and I will be feared as such. End this farce of a trial, or I swear by my crown that I will use both of these wishes to make you and whoever you work for bitterly regret it.” Ben felt that the only thing he was missing was a nuclear bomb strapped to his back, but supposed that two wishes might be a superior threat. He made a mental note to acquire nuclear weaponry as soon as possible.

“We. . .” the Sunlet prosecutor seemed both lost for words, and suddenly extremely nervous. Ben was starting to feel more and more confident that the mad bomber approach to diplomacy might be superior even to Short Bus’s technique of ‘eating your enemies until they give into your demands’. The undead Enelim glared at the Sunlet and pushed him out of the way.

“I would like to immediately excuse myself from this trial, good day to you all.” He didn’t walk out of the courthouse, he ran.

The Aeon Slug shot both Ben and Vivi a nasty glare and hissed, “This isn’t over. The Purebeast is more valuable than two wishes. I’m willing to spare all your lives if you hand it over to me right now.”

“Fuck,” Ben said, holding up his other hand and giving the slug the finger, “you,” he finished, flipping him off with the ring hand. The Aeon Slug’s eyes bulged, literally swelled in size for a moment, then he stormed off.

“No, this isn’t over,” the Sunlet prosecutor said, suddenly snapping back into focus, “your honor, I would like to call a temporary recess of this trial, with the suggestion that we reconvene in two days.”

“As soon as you step outside my courthouse, I am going to call in the weakest prosecutor fighting outside and get this travesty of justice over with,” the hammer judge said in a calm tone, “and I will be happy to never see your face again-”

“I am prepared to grant the recently reborn dwarves asylum and full citizenship in Solas,” the Sunlet said and stopped the hammer dead. “And that is completely conditional on resuming the trial in two days.”

“Ragnar n’ tha boys ave finally- Oh you rotten crystal slime covered gremlin fucktoy I’ll shatter ye for this.”

“Be that as it may, shatter me all you want, but you will declare a two day recess.” Ben had to hand it to the Sunlet, the guy was rotten to the core and cold as ice. This guy was good. Ben decided it was time to speak up.

“I accept those terms you son of a bitch,” Ben said calmly, lowering his wishing hand and giving the hammer a sympathetic look, “you shouldn’t have to make that choice, your honor.”

“I’ll start the paperwork immediately,” the Sunlet said, gathering up his briefcase and making a rapid departure, “and I’ll see you five in two days. Prince Ben?” he asked rhetorically, “Bravo, what a stunt, and you humans are as crazy as the rumors say they are. I’m so impressed, I’ll give you some friendly advice: this isn’t going to work on us again. Good day to you all.”

“Ye did’n ave to do that fer me,” the hammer judge said, all traces of formality and position washed away.

[Congratu((@*&@&%@))&$]

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[!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]

[SEEK A SAGE IMMEDIATELY OR SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES OF TAMPERING WITH THE SYSTEM]

“Hey Vivi,” Ben asked, suddenly sweating.

“Aeons fuck you, you bleeding heart moron. You just killed us, I don’t want to talk to you.” Vivi was beyond grump’ed, he was in a full blown sulk. “Hey, you all,” he said, yelling at the demons and ignoring Ben, “Go outside and join the war and see how far you can get. If any of you are still alive in two days, come meet us in court.” The summoned fiends bowed as one and then began fiendishly running towards violence and carnage.

“No but seriously Viv,” Ben said again, louder this time.

“What!”

“If I were to have gotten a system message in all caps telling me to seek a sage or ‘suffer the consequences of tampering with the system’, how serious would that be?”

“Did you get a message that said seek a sage or suffer the consequences of tampering with the system,” Vivi asked in a flat tone.

“Yes.” Ben answered the question in a confident affirmative.

“That means we start looking for a sage right now.”

“That sounds about right,” Ben said, and they started moving together as a group.

“Excuse me,” the hammer judge said, interrupting their exit, “but I don’t know if you’ll be able to find a qualified [Sage] in time, especially if you have to fight your way out of the legal district. My experience with such dire error messages are limited, but I know you are running out of time. Some other hammers and I have been doing charity work in Solas for years, and recently we’ve been able to amass a large number of human refugees. Among their number is a rather talented [Sage]. She is low leveled, however her talent with the [Ever Piercing Eye] is extraordinary. I think only the [Royal Sage] of Solas himself could do a better job, but he is a selfish and lazy creature with no motivation to help you. Moreover, you’ll never be able to reach him in time. Please, allow me to help you, it’s the least I can do, and I owe you so much more than this.”

“[Royal Vizier]?” Ben asked, calling Ghost Ears out of his stupor.

“Obviously go with her you bleeding heart twat,” Ghost Ears was clearly on team ‘Fuck Ben’ right now, right along with Vivi.

“Well, I’m on team ‘Fuck Yeah Ben’,” Short Bus said, obviously reading Ben’s mind, “and I say we go with the pretty hammer lady. Say, did I ever tell you about the time I met a hammer head shark?”

“I require sustenance and a way to amputate my brain,” Red said in an angry groan, massaging her scalp with bloody hands, “the burdens of maintaining a corporeal form are truly astounding.”

“Come with me then,” the hammer said, and her bench seamlessly transformed into a mech with robotic spider legs. The wall behind her lifted up to reveal what was, even to Ben’s untrained eyes, clearly a teleportation station, “and I will be able to provide you all with food and-” Short Bus literally picked up Ben and Red, then slapped Vivi with his long shark tail.

“All right everyone!” he shouted, suddenly revived, “You heard the woman, you heard her, food’s that way, now let’s go!”

Then, compelled by both the threat of Ben exploding and Short Bus wilding out and literally eating them, they followed the hammer into the magic circle. There was a white flash, and then, they were gone.

Side Chapter

High in the Canopy of Solas, where the Sunlets lived and ruled over the rest of the city below, Anna stood rigid in her family mansion. It should be known that Anna’s family was to the rest of the Sunlet species what the Sunlets were to Solas, which is to say, the top of the food chain and the people who got a portion of the taxes, rather than the ones paying them. Much could be said about the critical analysis of a dominance hierarchy or power structure, but the ‘left hand rule’ for determining who was in charge was simply classifying who paid taxes, and who ultimately received them.

“You stupid bitch!” Anna’s father screamed, daring to approach her with a backhand ready.

Right now, Anna was paying her taxes. Or at least, an attempt was being made at collecting them.

“Bring it on you dusty old cooter!” Anna screamed back, shifting into a [Brawler]’s stance and preparing to murder her progenitor. They were in the ‘discipline room’, sequestered away in the ‘isolation wing’ of their mansion home, which like all other true Sunlet domiciles, was firmly located in the vacuum of space. It must be said that among all the Signatory Races, the Sunlets felt bitterest about the deal they received. From feared marauders who roamed the wild living space of the Plane of Infinite Wild Magic, and lived comfortably and secure on the unapproachable surfaces of suns. . . to this. A single city in the cold vacuum of space, staring at false stars of mana, an eternal reminder of what they lost. The oldest of the Sunlets remembered the time before The System, and longed for it, and taught the subsequent generations to long for it as well.

“I’ll shatter you, you’ve brought catastrophe upon our family!” Anna’s father continued, making good on his implied promise to backhand Anna. She dodged, then beamed a solid jab right at his nose, hoping to break it off his face. That didn’t happen, he simply moved out of the way.

“Listen up you stupid bitch,” Anna yelled, pulling out her phone, “see this? This is the fucking future bitch, the fucking future, and you’re too old to get it! I just bagged a citadel, dad,” she spat the word with sarcasm, “and I recorded the entire thing! Not only am I getting paid by The System, but I’m getting paid by everyone who’s watching the video-”

“Nobody has one of those ridiculous phones!” her father exploded, “only broke humans and idiot children like you! Nobody can afford them- Our family couldn’t afford that fucking thing!”

“Bitch, we can afford it, and it’s going to pay for itself. Shut the fuck up and listen to me for half a fucking second, dad. I bagged a citadel, and that unlocked new features in the phone. Aside from giving me a bomb-ass avatar frame-” her father nearly had the sunlet equivalent of an aneurysm at that, “it also gave me the option to choose one heroic phone upgrade, ok? Do you know what one of them is? Do you? Do you bitch!” Anna shrieked it and this time, she ran at her father without form or grace, instead opting for raw aggression. She managed to tackle him to the ground and start punching him anywhere she could reach, “It means I can license new phones subordinate to my own!”

“Get off of me!” he threw her off with all the predictable ease their level gap suggested. “Explain that to me.” He had calmed down, smelling money, the only topic which would allow him to forgive his wayward daughter.

“Yeah dumbass, The Smartest Phone is all about money, ok? The more money you put into it, the more money you get out of it. The more money you have, the more powerful you become. It’s all about money, currency, wealth, all of that shit.”

“Get to the point,” he growled.

“I traded my accomplishment in the Citadel for the [Internet Service Provider] upgrade. I’m an ISP now, and people can buy Smart Phones from me. Not Smartest Phones, but Smart Phones. The whole thing is set up like an Elemental Circle, with Smartest Phones on the top, and various weaker versions of the phone subordinate to it. So people can buy phones from me, they have to pay me a daily subscription fee, and I get a portion of whatever they make on their phones. Dad, you don’t even know about the auction house, do you?”

“Solas already has an auction house.”

“Buh Bye!” Anna waved at him and held up her phone, which was displaying an MMORPG auction house interface, “and say hello to the new auction house, which serves the entire surface layer, and has one hour delivery to your mailbox. The fees are nearly non-existent, and they’re distributed to all holders of Smartest Phones. Oh and Bitch? Watch this.” Anna grabbed a random Scroll of Greater Teleport, one of the extremely valuable items her family decorated their home with, then pressed a button on her phone. The scroll vanished, and her father barely restrained himself from attacking his daughter.

“This had better have a very good point,” he hissed.

“Look,” Anna said, doing that annoying teenage girl thing where they talk with excessive tongue and mouth movement. On the screen of the auction house, a little icon with the [Scroll of Greater Teleport] was displayed, listed as follows:

‘Anna-baby exclusive item, total souvenir rare artifact [Scroll of Greater Teleport]’ All the text was covered in floating hearts and obnoxious emojis. The list price was way too high by current market standards. . . but people were already in a bidding war for it, and offers to purchase it outright were rolling in.

“There’s no way-” her father began, and Anna cut him off.

“Use your fucking brain dad, this is being bid on across the entire surface, ok? Instant delivery, to your location even if you pay extra. Do you know how valuable a [Scroll of Greater Teleport] is to a party of adventurers stranded in the middle of a high level zone with no way out? Infinitely valuable, they’ll trade everything they’ve got for their lives. Having a Smartest Phone is like having a high tier System Shop at your disposal at all times, but it’s so much more than that. When you start to upgrade these things, and nobody’s gotten this far yet, but this is like having a kingdom crystal in your pocket. All the amenities of civilization at your disposal in the middle of the unforgiving fucking monster infested wilderness. If we wanted to raid The Gloom, we wouldn’t need five hundred people to manage a supply caravan. All we’d need were a few people with these phones, and. . .”

“I get the point,” her father said, having visibly calmed down. There was no warmth from him, only a cold elegance now, which was as close to love as Anna had ever received from her family. It used to be enough for her. “I’m not totally convinced, but I get the point. You’re still cut off, and don’t fucking interrupt me, but you’re still cut off. However, I’m willing to give you a chance. Go to The Bank, talk to our representative, and let him know you’ve been authorized for a line of credit. Take what you need from our funds, but know you will have to pay them back. Or suffer the consequences.”

“Oh my God are you serious?” Anna’s demeanor changed from ‘Bad Bitch’ to ‘Bubbly Girl’ fast enough to give anyone emotional whiplash. “Daddy you’re the best, OMG I can’t wait to tell Ben and Short Bus and-”

“Ah. Them.” His tone cut Anna’s celebration short. “Don’t factor that group into your plans, and in fact, forget you ever met them. They’re doomed.”

“Fuck. You,” she growled, and this time her father saw something in her eyes. They had an intensity to them that, to the [Immortal], seemed almost like madness. “Don’t you dare let anything happen to them.”

“That party has a Purebeast hidden on them, everybody knows it. There’s interest all up and down the layers of The World, everybody from the Great Aeons to the College, to all the other various kingdoms and factions that nobody important really cares about. There isn’t a being alive with enough influence or clout to protect them. Wealth like that only puts whoever holds it in danger.”

“They’ll get out of it,” Anna said, sitting down and pointedly ignoring her father, “they’re fucking crazy, and they’ll get out of it. Ben is alive, and he taught me how to be alive too.” She looked at him, and something of her true feelings came through. “None of us were alive before the humans came here. It’s not too late for us kids to escape ending up like you.” He chuckled. He actually chuckled, and relaxed, and sat down.

“Child, speak to me of being alive after a billion years of life. These humans are like sparks from a fire, here for but a single moment, and then gone forever. They are insignificant and worthless.”

“Yeah? So what. All I know is that I lived more life in less than a week with Ben, than I would have in a thousand years with you. All I know is that when I was with him and when I’m with the humans, life seems to actually mean something.”

“Enjoy that meaning while you can,” he said, honestly. “Because endless time will rob it from you, and then even rob you of the feeling of its absence.”

Anna was quite for a long moment, the unusual behavior of her father sinking in. She said nothing of her thoughts and plans, partly because she didn’t want to end up in a lunatic asylum for the next hundred thousand years, and partly because she wasn’t sure of herself. All she knew, or could say, was this:

“Bitch I’m never going to end up like you.”