“Ben, this is going pretty great!” Vivi said, taking a hydration break up on the royal float. Red had shot him a couple of times for fun when he’d slugged his way over, and Vivi had effortlessly dodged the bullets.

“Why are you so fast,” Red groused, and it was, Ben thought, probably a pretty big grousing, considering how powerful her vision was and how good her aim must be.

“I’m an Aeon Slug,” Vivi replied in good humor, his eye-stalks turned to look Red in her eyes, which Ben just realized were also above her head. Was that why Vivi got along so well with her? Her eyes were in the right place? Ben was about to ask, but then Vivi continued talking. “Ben, seriously. This has to be the most genius thing you’ve ever done.”

“I know,” Ben said with a quiet smile on his face.

“I mean, wow!” Vivi continued, “You knew they were going to eat us alive outside of court because we were a party of nobodies, so you do this? Public goodwill towards us alone is going to force them to play by the rules, not to mention the sheer number of high leveled allies you just brought into the city! Sheer brilliance!”

“I’m a fucking genius,” Ben said, still with that quiet smile on his face as he watched Vivi.

“Not only that, but you got Anna and The Royal Sage to join in? Diabolical! With friends like that, not only are they going to have to play by the rules, but they’re going to have to play nice with us! We’ve got a real shot at surviving this Ben! Ben? Why are you laughing, Ben!” Vivi said, growing worried as Ben started chuckling, the prince smiling a shit-eating grin so hard it was hurting his face.

“I’m a goddamn mastermind,” Ben said, howling with laughter.

“Of course you are! What kind of mad genius could put something like this together! It’s perfect!” Vivi said, watching as Ben broke down into further hysterics.

“I’m playing fourth-dimensional chess with you brainlets!” Ben said

“Oh, you play!” Vivi said, excited, “It’s only natural that an intellect like yours would! I’ll see if I can find my board- Stop laughing, I don’t get the joke!”

Ben started guffawing when Vivi still didn’t understand that Ben had no plan, at all, beyond wanting a giant goddamn parade. Red looked between the two of them, frowned then shot at Vivi a couple more times, then spat when Vivi dodged the bullets, again.

“Viv,” Ben said, wiping tears from his face, laughing and taking a deep breath, “you’re too goddamn smart for your own good. Here’s how it is-” Ben said, about to tell Vivi how it was, but was interrupted by Red, who frowned with her entirely cosmetic eyebrows.

“Incoming,” she said, focusing ahead, “It’s. . . another Parade?” Red looked confused, then slapped her antlers a couple of times like how someone would slap a malfunctioning machine to get it to work.

“What?” Ben asked, still laughing, but then he felt it, like a cold numb sensation washing across his chest. Ben scratched absently at the area where his heart was, which was uncomfortably numb. Down below, Anna had showed up out of nowhere, her Smartest Phone floating and filming of it’s own accord. Anna had been raking in the money with her exclusive broadcast of the Parade of Wonders, and had been aggressively spending it on upgrading her Smartest Phone.

“This is Anna, live and behind the scenes at the Parade of Wonders,” she was breathless, visibly excited, and notably out of the way of the incoming collision, “where the Black Caravan coming from the Dark City alliance has set up their Dark Circus directly in the middle of the parade route. Superchats- Oh by the stars that’s alot of viewers-”

“I’ve got to go,” The Royal Sage of Solas said abruptly, giving Ben a quick wave as he ran away, “Don’t want to start a war! Oh, and don’t start a war!”

“Vivi, explain,” Ben said, but Vivi didn’t have time to explain, because the ugly truth immediately presented itself. Set up over the road was a tent, that was also a tunnel. It rose up hundreds of feet and extended for, oh, probably a mile for what it’s worth in the warped space of the parade route. The tent’s opening was a gigantic mouth with glaring, evil eyes that watched them as they approached. It didn’t even make any sense that it was there, inserted right in the middle of the Parade without any advance warning. Ben noted with some disgust that it was crawling along on little centipede legs, and slowly approaching them.

“I don’t know who the fuck these assholes are,” Ben said, scratching at his numb heart and glaring ahead, “but I don’t like ‘em. Full speed ahead.”

“Ben, that’s the Dark Circus-” Vivi said, practically choking. Up ahead, Ben saw Death standing at the entrance to the Dark Circus and waving at him.

“Hey! You’ll die in here!” Death said good-naturedly, and mentally, Ben decided visiting the Dark Circus, whatever the hell it actually was, at level 1 was probably a terrible idea. So, Ben grinned and then had the Parade of Wonders take flight over the Dark Circus. A shimmering pane of magic rose from the ground and ramped right over it.

As they passed over, Ben could hear the shrieks and howls of outrage, and he couldn’t help but feel really good about the fact that he was the reason they were so upset. He waved and tossed down treasure, which only seemed to enrage them even further. Ben laughed, and Vivi moaned.

“Oh no, you aren’t a genius at all,” Vivi blubbered, “you’re a moron aren’t you?”

Ben grinned.

--

See, the problem with Ben right now was that he had no idea what he looked like, at least to a resident of the Dark Cities. There he was, this being sitting on a throne, radiating holy energy in the middle of an unquestionably heavenly parade. At his side was Red, who was descendent of literal demons, which the Dark Cities venerated, but redeemed into his service. Ben was very, very lightly clothed, exposing himself for the world to see, which to the Dark Cities was like, a major no-no. There was no nudity in the Dark Cities, ever. There was no sex in the Dark Cities, except for the purpose of sacrificing naturally born children.

To put it in a more succinct way, Ben looked like the Goddamn Devil to them, like a living Baphomet but in reverse. He was everything they were terrified of, everything they fought against, and everything they didn’t want their youth’s impressionable young minds exposed to.

As for Ben, he was just really confused why there were protesters all the sudden mixed in with the crowd.

“Who the fuck are these weirdos?” Ben said, laughing and pointing at a group of Dark City residents, clad from head to toe in skintight black fabric and garbed in what looked like old-timey puritanical satanic religious garb on top of that. They were trying to climb over the barricades and get into the parade route, but unlike literally everyone else in Solas, they were barred for some reason. Probably because they were trying to start trouble. Since they were unable to directly get at Ben, they settled for screaming evil at him.

“Should I shoot them, Prince Ben?” Red asked, and Ben noted she’d gone completely trigger happy over the course of the Parade of Wonders.

“No, this’ll be funnier,” Ben said, plastering a huge, bright smile on his face and tossing some really good bits of treasure at them. They shrieked and scattered away from it like it was radioactive brimstone.

“Most effective, your majesty,” Red said, arching a completely cosmetic eyebrow.

“I thought so as well,” Ben said, then walked back to his throne and sat down. He stopped looking out at the cheering, chanting world and instead brought his focus inward, more specifically, to his ring that had his single Honest Wish left. Ben glanced around at the Parade of Wonders again, then back at the Honest Wish. “Quite a powerful little spark, aren’t you? But, I’ve only got one of you left, how sad,” Ben said, making a pouty face, “and I’ve got so many wishes I want to make. Plus, I’ve got this [Wish Growth] skill, and it works at the same rate regardless of how many wishes I’m holding. Oh my oh my, what is a Prince of Wonders to do?”

“Are you all right, your majesty?” Red asked, seeing Ben slumped over the side of his throne dramatically. Ben popped back up and grinned.

“Of course,” he said, then raised his wishing hand and spoke in an authoritative voice, “I wish my Honest Wish was split in the most efficient way for my class!”

There was a flash of light from his hand, and when Ben lowered his hand, he saw that all nine slots of his ring were filled: Four dim, Trivial Wishes; Two slightly less dim Minor Wishes; Two slightly bright Lesser Wishes, and a single bright Wish.

Ben started laughing and wiggling around a bit, sort of like the Jim Carrey version of the Grinch to be honest, and felt his total power as a [Prince of Wonders] grow greatly now that he was holding nine wishes.

“Oh man, now I just want to start wishing for stuff,” Ben said, feeling his sanity and self control rapidly diminishing. “Probably a bad idea, I’m not exactly in the right mood to make good life decisions- I wish for a Pocketwatch of Time Loop!”

Something happened in that moment, which would have made pretty much anyone in the Wishing Profession hire an assassin to murder Ben’s ass just out of sheer jealousy.

[Current Wish Usage: One Wish and One Lesser Wish.]

[Suggested Wish Usage: Trivial Wish, with the following restrictions: Soulbound, Exclusive, Holy Energy Catalyst, Class Exclusive, Localized, Limited Scope and Wish Mechanism. Consume one Dungeon Boss Room Lock Mechanism.]

[Current Wish Outcome: Pocketwatch of Time Loop.]

[Pocketwatch of Time Loop: Using this item creates a universal time loop of unlimited scope which lasts until the user dies. The user will then be transported back to the beginning of the loop, and this item will be consumed.]

[Suggested Wish Outcome: Ben’s Pocketwatch of Time Loop]

[Ben’s Pocketwatch of Time Loop: This item can only be utilized by the [Prince of Wonders] Ben while he is under the effect of [Boom]. This item is fueled by Holy Energy. This item is Soul Bound to the [Prince of Wonders] Ben. This item requires a Lesser Wish Mechanism to function.]

[When this item is used, the user is placed in a localized time loop of limited scope, the duration and size of which are determined at time of use. Upon the death of the user, or the end of the duration of the time loop, the user will be transported back to their origin point. At such time, the user may choose to reset the time loop, but must provide the holy energy required to do so. Holy Energy does not regenerate while in a time loop.]

[This item contains a Lesser Wish Mechanism. This Lesser Wish Mechanism will be under the effect of your [Wish Growth] skill, however it cannot be used to cast wishes.]

[Would you like to modify your wish outcome to: Ben’s Pocketwatch of Time Loop?]

Ben accepted, and one of his four Trivial Wishes was consumed. One of his two Lesser Wishes lifted from his ring and melted into a coiled Mainspring made of pure light. It was quickly covered up as mechanisms and gears sprung up around it, so many mechanism and gears of impossible configuration. His Utility Pocket opened, and the Boss Room Lock he’d gotten from Vivi’s dungeon lifted out and melted around the watch, forming its case.

It drifted over to Ben’s hand and placed itself against his palm. It grew a thin chain of gold and attached itself to his wrist.

Ben looked down at his new Pocketwatch of Time Loop, then looked over at his Ring of Wishing.

“Holy. Shit,” he said, realizing just how fucking powerful his new class really was. Yes, Ben really just didn’t know what the fuck he looked like to the entirety of Solas and the Dark Caravan that was watching. They didn’t have a handy well used word for it, but humans did, which is very linguistically telling. The best word to describe how Ben looked?

Godling.

The Dark City teenagers, who were naturally rebellious, balked. It was like this, but all twisted up: They were the religious kids on a mission trip to a dangerous foreign country who heard rumors of a coven of witches in the woods, and they wanted to go see it. Then, they actually find the coven, gathered around an unnatural bonfire, chanting their chant and displaying their craft. The children ran in terror.

But not all of them. Some of them walk forward with a dark fascination and go missing, never to return to the mission bus. It was like that, but inverted.

There were nine of them, out of the nearly one hundred who ran away from the Dark Caravan for a laugh. Nine black hearts ready to lose themselves.

Naturally it was at that exact moment, by total coincidence, that the Parade of Wonders decided it was a great time to start playing Lose Yourself, by Eminin.

Because this was the only motherfucking opportunity they were ever going to have to get the fuck out of the Dark Cities.

--

“Fuck yeah!” Ben said, standing up from his throne and starting to, very badly, in an endearing way, dance, “I love this fucking song!” He continued for a few moments, until the sound of trumpets started blaring in his mind.

[Doo-do-do-doooo!]

[A royal event has been initiated! Refugees from the Dark Cities approach your throne! Time has been dilated to allow you time to compose yourself, stop dancing and present yourself appropriately to these poor children!]

Ben considered using his new pocketwatch, then thought better of it. He was pretty sure he knew how it worked, but he’d like to experiment with it in a more controlled setting. ‘Honestly,’ Ben thought as he sat down and arranged his posture and facial expression to be suitably royal, ‘my entire team and I need to really just sit the fuck down and figure out our capabilities, because right now they were completely undefined.’

“Red, dear, could you stand over here?” Ben said, pointing to a spot a little bit in front of his throne, and she moved, “thank you. Ghost Ears!” Ben yelled, and the [Swag Master]/[Royal Vizier] heard him, a function of his class allowed him to always hear when his regent called for him. Ghost Ears was fast, and flew over immediately.

“I’ve just gotten the announcement, your majesty,” Ghost Ears said, all business, “refugees seeking citizenship. I’ve experienced this event countless times as a [Council Leader]. You will listen to their plea, and then determine if you want to take them in or not. Should you decide to make them apart of your kingdom, you will then dictate the conditions they will enter under. What their jobs will be, their rank and so on and so forth. Generally, you’ll just accept them as regular citizens, and then they’ll be under your protection and benefit from any kingdom buffs we have going.”

“Do we have any kingdom buffs going?” Ben asked, outwardly composed, but internally excited.

“[Birthday Wish],” Ghost Ears said dryly, “every child born in your kingdom will be born with one birthday wish, which requires your presence to be granted.”

“Do I have a character sheet or kingdom sheet somewhere that I don’t know about?” Ben asked, then said “Menu. Show Menu. Show Character Sheet. Interface On.”

Nothing happened.

“No,” Ghost Ears said, “I’m your [Royal Vizier], I just know these things. You’ll need a [Sage] of some kind if you want an interface.”

“Seriously?” Ben said, “Ok, put getting a Crystal of some kind near the top of our to-do list.” Much to Ben’s surprise, a ghostly sheet of parchment appeared in front of Ghost Ears, with the words To-Do written on top. It was a long list, and a new entry appeared near the top.

“Done. How did you know about that-”

“Nevermind, are you ready?”

“Should we get Vivi or Short Bus involved in this?”

“No, I think we’ll be fine. This should be pretty simple, right?”

“Right,” Ghost Ears agreed, “taking in refugees is an easy and straightforward process, and one of the best ways to start building up a citizenship in a kingdom of any kind.”

“Right,” Ben said, then took a deep breath, set his face to an impassive, neutral expression, and allowed time to flow normally again.