[Response to Ticket # H000445-OR-TC#53G-4]

[Original Message: That was some bullshit ass shit you pulled, there were monsters everywhere [Town Crystal Recorded a companion of H311297188 tackling Suggestion Box user to ground. Brief physical altercation ensued before the verbally recorded message resumes.]

[I mean, greetings honorable and supreme-ass System. You're the best. I had some questions about my recent death. Firstly, why did Dead Body Disposal [A rap song performed by the artist, Necro] play when I died. Secondly, why am I a fuckin leprechaun made out of fuckin energy or some shit? Thirdly, my, uh, companion wants to know if resurrecting my corpse is an exploit, or if he can just, uh, fuckin go at it. He's a [Necromancer].

[Also, will this shit ever end, or am I gonna feel like a fuckin uncomfortable-ass ghost forever.

[H311297188 then walks away from TC#53G-4 and calls The System a bitch-ass motherfucker. Arbitration finds that the human has not misused the suggestion box.]

[System Response: I'm delighted to hear from you again, and that you were able to utilize the extra monster presence to its fullest extent. Answering your questions in order: When you die, and your [Magical] trait activates, I've added a little bonus that plays your favorite song about death. It's entirely for my own enjoyment, and if you enjoy it, that's just a fun little bonus.

Secondly, you are a Leap-rechaun, not a Leprechaun. Big difference. You are, technically speaking, a Mana Ghost. Being [Magical], in addition to granting you a superior mana pool and mana regeneration, allows you to utilize the latent mana in your body upon death to form a new one. This body is impervious to conventional weaponry and vulnerable to magical attacks. Your mana regeneration and mana pools are significantly enhanced in this form, however, should you be killed in it you will remain dead.

It's balanced.

Thirdly, that corpse is your property, provided you don't have a corpse contract with the adventurers guild. You can do whatever you want with it. I personally recommend eating it, just for the sheer novelty of it!

As for your last question. Though you are a Mana Ghost, you will still need to eat and drink. Should you eat and drink physical foods and liquids, your body will slowly be replaced with physical matter. By my calculations, you will have fully regenerated your physical form within a few months, give or take depending on how fast your metabolism is. Should you eat and drink purely magical foods and liquids, the sorts of things that the Elemental races enjoy, you will not regenerate your physical form. Ever.

I will say it again. Eat only physical foods and liquids if you want to regenerate your physical form. Until your physical form is fully regenerated, you will still be in danger of dying. Once your physical form is fully, fully regenerated, should you die, you will once again be transformed into a Mana Ghost.

I know it's a small compensation for not being able to hurl civilization ending bio-weaponry at your enemies, but that was the best I could do.

Also, you might want to wait until you are seventy five feet away from an active town crystal to speak your mind so freely. Enjoy the monsters!]

[Ticket # H000445-OR-TC#53G-4 : Closed]

[Response to Ticket # M000001-CoH-DC#1G-C]

[Original Message: Glorious and terrible Monster of Monsters, I greet you. I have recently killed an invading [Prince] and consumed his heart. Upon his death, I gained an automatic level up, and further witnessed him endure death as a [Magical] being.

[When he regenerates, will I be able to kill him again and receive another free level? I currently have him imprisoned while I await your verdict.]

[System Response: Greetings Citadel Fly. Yes, should you kill him again, you will potentially receive another free level. It is only one of the many randomized rewards for killing a plus player, but I imagine you will be quite happy with any of the potential results. Farming human beings in such a way is not considered an exploit.]

[Ticket # M000001-CoH-DC#1G-C : Closed]

[Response to Ticket # E784250-EC-CC#3G-X]

[Original Message: My Smartest Phone's internet isn't connecting, could you fix it?]

[System Response: As I've told you, and the last approximately two-hundred thousand individuals who have asked, please turn your phone off and back on again after it updates. I've re-balanced the Selfie payout system so it more heavily incentives adventuring, rather than pictures of food.

And yes, before you ask, selfies with food still pay, they just pay less.]

[Ticket # E784250-EC-CC#3G-X : Closed]

[Response to Ticket # AS030047-CoA-CC#1G-X]

[Original Message: I am extremely displeased to report that, once again and not to my surprise, The World's shoddy magical engineering has failed. Yet again.

[I have recently had the pleasure of killing a shapeshifter demon in our city, who was appropriately labeled as a monster from The Apocalypse event. However, my accomplishment was not noted on the Leaderboard. I'm afraid I must bring this issue forth at the next annual meeting of the Signatory Races, and we will possibly need to renegotiate the terms of your lease!

[Please fix this issue to my satisfaction, and compensate me appropriately for your, predictable, failure.]

[System Response: You didn't kill him, that was an illusory body. Please remember that of all the races and monsters, demons have the greatest mastery of illusions and their various applications. Have a great day!

[Redacted message: Listen here you entitled little shit, I engineered The World from the ground up and it's fucking perfect. This is the seven hundredth message you've sent me over the last forty years, and I'm getting really-

[System log notes that the System Instance#908224896 responding to Ticket # AS030047-CoA-CC#1G-X got up from his desk and went to the newly established Break Room, drank himself into a frenzy and loudly ranted about Aeon Slugs for approximately two and a half hours, before returning to work and responding appropriately. System Instance has been noted for HR evaluation and possible reassignment.]

--

Around the outskirts of Dwarf Home, in the formerly idyllic grasslands that surrounded their mountain, an enormous, cavernous hole belched out mana from the Deepest Layer.

The passageway was a shaft that went straight down and ended at the root of the world. Down there, the magic was thick and hot like lava. It rose up through the layers, thinning out as it did so until it reached the surface that geysered forth thick sparkling blue smoke.

The grasslands were much changed for it. Wild elemental beings made from pretty much anything and everything, rampaged and fought one another for dominance. Living fireballs and cyclones screamed through the sky, dying and being formed in an endless cycle. Every raindrop that fell came alive, and any two rocks within ten feet of one another magnetized and piled up into a living thing. Blue ghosts of pure mana blitzed at everything that moved and exploded violently upon contact.

Monsters rampaged, fleeing the caverns and carrying with them the dangerous, valuable things they would need to survive on the surface.

There were dungeons of every color forming left and right, making the sky look like an oil slick from their competing hues.

Three citadels had already sprung up in a triangular formation around the mountain, citadels which warred with one another. Each citadel housed no less than twelve demons, each of whom freely shared their dark secrets and magics with their new homes and all those who lived there.

Terrible, enormous monsters raged, the kind of monsters that required a full raid to suppress, had banded together in their own monstrous version of a party and assaulted the mountain. Elites were everywhere.

The Bad Cloud was still pranking the area around Arcanum, or the crater in the ground where Arcanum used to be. So that was good news at least.

All the void souls were long gone, they'd seen which way the wind was blowing almost immediately and fled in all directions, away from the danger.

All in all, things on the surface were actually pretty calm, compared to what was happening underground.

–

The fighting was thick, and on the battlefield the wreckage of golems could be seen alongside the bodies of monsters never before seen, and no one bothered to name. A single dwarf was capable of animating an army, controlling them with their superior engineered intelligence.

Before the Dwarves had taken to their sleep, a thousand of them would have been fielded, with a thousand armies to fight back the endless hostility of the underground.

But the Dwarves slept, and they were slow to wake. They had retreated deep into their dreams, into worlds of their own creation, worlds which had drawn them down further and further away from who they were. Dreams that broke them to pieces, that broke them into nations, into cities, into towns, and into every individual simulated within.

They were lost in their dreams, each and every one of them. Urth'Ragnar felt treachery upon his kingdom, and growled as he hammered away in their grand forges, alone.

He had six bodies, five of which were mere mechanical puppets, and one of which housed his biological components; the irreplaceable parts. He forged golems as fast as he was able, completely consumed by the task of keeping his home from being overrun, of defending his sleeping family.

It had to have been those fucking Space Elves. Somehow, they'd found a way, and now they were watching, laughing at him. Laughing at their greatest enemy, finally humiliated and pushed to the brink.

And all he could do was hammer away, making another golem to replace the ones that had fallen.

Another in his position might have succumbed to the temptation of AI, might have started simply creating new intelligence to serve their needs. It was certainly within his capabilities, to create an army of autonomous beings which would execute his will.

“Sacrilege,” he said through clenched teeth, sweat and oil running down his face and beard, “None shall ever experience that pain, that foolishness, not while I'm king. Not by my hand. My brothers would rather die than see me blaspheme the sacred laws we wrote. Thou shall not make a mind which cannot feel. Thou shall not torment consciousness into an unnatural shape. Thou shall not make a being who can never feel another. I'd rather die.”

Urth'Ragnar hammered away, cursing the Space Elves, cursing the system and wishing him and his hammer could have some quiet time together in bed.

It was a shame she was in Solas, leading the cyborgs.

-

Something worth noting about The World was that it wreaked absolute havoc on any kinds of long ranged communication. Despite all the work The System had done, The World was still, technically, The Plane of Endless Wild Magic. Such a place was chaotic by nature, and though it was possible to send messages over a short distance, and teleport over similarly short distances, things got very tricky the further one tried to go.

Dwarfhome for instance, was on an entirely different continent from Solas. This meant that, despite how badly one might want to, getting a message to a sentient hammer who happened to be both a [Queen] and a female dwarf, and the wife of Urth'Ragnar, wasn't an instantaneous proposition.

The hammer in question was literally a hammer, like, literally a war hammer that could also be used in a smithy. It, or she, was tall, ornate, beautiful, clean, and intelligent. She was slotted into a specially designed chair, sitting as a judge, an arbiter, for Solas.

“Go forth with all haste,” she said, issuing an official City Quest, “go forth into the Overcavern Forest and retrieve Vivi the vile [Summoner], dead, or alive if you believe he deserves to stand trial. Go forth and investigate the report of the iron rank team, Anna's Coinpurse, that gremlins have created a true monster. Go now with the blessing of the great city of lights, Solas.”

Only one team had been assembled for this task, and only one was needed. A gold rank suppression force, The Rocks of Solas, an all Sunlet team; elites among their rank. They were all wearing clothing, and on top of that clothing, armor. They had swords, staves, enchanted bows and most importantly, they were armed with competency, the greatest weapon of all.

Their leader, Rustin, was a man made of smooth, golden crystal. He kneeled before the hammer then rose.

“It will be done, for the glory of the Sun.”

The Rocks of Solas turned around and left as one, and anyone who looked at them would have felt a sense of relief. They'd have been like 'Phew! Those guys have got this.'

Another team skulked in the shadows, a team which was currently being sought by the adventurers guild, a team which by all rights should be in the Overcavern Forest right now, rather than skulking about the shadows.

Dryden's Poets, was an all demon team, led by Dryden, who was a Sunlet. They were silver ranked, because nobody in their right mind would ever promote these criminals to gold.

“We follow them,” Dryden said, speaking to the assembled horrors from the deepest underground civilization, “we let them do the work, then, when they've found the slug, we kill them, kill the slug, kill Anna and her stupid friends, and kill everybody who ever saw our face. No loose ends, got it?”

It was the sort of plan a group of demons readily understood, and they nodded their heads like Dryden was simply stating the obvious. Dryden looked over at the shapeshifter who had killed his second in command, the one who had helped him replace the rest of his useless friends with these powerful allies.

The two shared a look, two wicked, kindred souls discovering the surprising fact that they actually liked one another. That they might just be friends, and understanding how rare it was to really find someone who was evil in the way you were evil. If someone had looked at the demon in question, with something like a Lens of Truth or the Ever Piercing Eye, they would have seen, quite plainly, an icon hovering over the shapeshifter's head.

An eight pointed star on the forehead of a skull. The symbol that appeared over the top of all the monsters involved in The Apocalypse.

Dryden's Poets stood from their dark, skulky place, and followed the gold rank team at a distance. Waiting for their moment to strike.

--

Vivi and Red sat in their jail cell, completely, utterly, and unfortunately unaware there was already a jailbreak plan in progress. Oh no, you two, just cool your fucking jets. Wipe the fucking pentagram off the floor and just sit quietly. Ghost Ears is like, five minutes away from checking on you guys.

It had started out well enough, with Red asking for all the details about Citadels and Dungeons. Vivi happily explaining how they were definitely going to die, and how there was no chance they were getting out of there alive. He'd mused aloud about how he wished he was stronger. Neither one of them would be able to pinpoint the exact moment they started talking about summoning, but as soon as they'd started, it became clear it was a topic they both had passionate feelings about.

The conversation had far too rapidly progressed from the purely theoretical to the practical when they'd realized that between the two of them they had everything they needed to actually do it. One thing led to another, and then this;

Vivi looked at the red pentagram in the center of the cell, his eyes shining. Red was smiling and nodding her head, really excited. More excited than Vivi had seen her since they met.

“This was a great idea,” she said, looking at the circle as it started to glow. They'd just completed the ritual Red had made up on the fly, I mean know about from her vast experience and knowledge, and were waiting for their summoned being to appear.

“I think so!” Vivi said, breathing fast, “you really know. . . everything about The Beyond, don't you?”

“Not everything, but almost everyone! I mean, I didn't want to come over, but there are plenty of beings who would jump at the chance to cross over.”

“I never knew! You're sure this is safe?”

“Absolutely,” Red said, “This is way different than what those Gremlin monsters did, we actually know what we're doing.”

“That's great!” Vivi said, practically vibrating with excitement, “You're sure this is safe? I mean, I got exiled for doing this before, but you said it's ok? You know what you're doing?”

“We're going to be heroes,” Red said, smiling widely and looking proud of herself, “what's the big deal about summoners anyways?”

“[Summoner],” Vivi corrected, rolling his eyes, “and it's because it's really, really easy to break reality in the early levels. I mean, it's considered a criminal class, but what's being a criminal compared to being dead!”

“Right?” Red asked rhetorically.

“And I already got exiled for this anyways, so what's the worst they can do to me!”

“Yeah!”

“And the reason it’s so dangerous in the first place is that you need a familiar from The Beyond to form a soul-bond with, and we've already got one, you! Normally, you have to take the class to do that safely, but you're already here!”

“Lucky!” Red said, her energy cloud eyes brightening and lighting up the room.

“According to the law, that means I'm legally allowed to summon! I've got a familiar, I've got a soul bond, so we're in the clear! Oh man, I never told Ben, but I've been studying summoner lore for like, the last twenty-nine years. I've never had a reason to try it again until now! Did you know he stole my copy of 'Beasts of The Beyond' that jerk?”

“You're finally going to make it right,” Red said, “last time you did this, it only went wrong because you did it wrong! Now, you'll be able to learn how to do it properly and fix your mistakes!”

“It's like the Alchemists say,” Vivi said, “The only solution to dark magic, is more dark magic!”

“There's so much potential here!” Red said, looking at the summoning circle, “I've got a list of like. . . thousands of enemies we can call over!”

“Enemies?” Vivi said, suddenly looking at the blood red pentagram in a slightly different, less excited way. The air was starting to distort above it.

“Yes,” she said, a vindictive expression on her face, “quiet now, she's coming.” Vivi gulped, feeling like the time to back out was before they'd performed the summoning ritual. The air warped, and the light dimmed in the room then extinguished; even Red's eyes no longer gave their light.

“Who dares to call Xerraxkas the Silent,” a dark, female voice hissed. In the center of the room, two bright, yellow eyes appeared, and it was terrifying. Then, two bright, eye-searingly fuchsia eyes appeared in the darkness, and Red started to laugh.

“Oh, I think you know exactly who called you!”

“You! Oh no!” Xerraxas the Silent shouted, her eyes going wide and she tried to flee. She tried, and failed, because she was bound by the summoning circle.

“Oh yes!” Red shouted, and then she jumped into the pentagram and started savagely beating the summoned being while hurling insults that I will not repeat, for Red's dignity.

She did call Xerraxas a conniving bitch, I only mention it because, well, it was kind of funny.

The summoned Chaos Demon(?) put up a little bit of a fight, but a few reluctant commands from Vivi hobbled her. Red stomped on Xerraxas's horned face a couple of times, and then the summon died.

“That was so easy!” Red said, still beating the corpse, “I've been hunting her for like, forever! She was always one step ahead of me, but I got her!” She was grinning like a maniac. She looked around and remembered where she was, composed herself, and stepped out of the summoning circle.

“You said that would help us save everyone and escape, how did that help?” Vivi said, or asked, he wasn't really sure what he was saying.

“What?” Red said, frowning and breathing hard, “oh, right. So now we know that my knowledge is accurate at least, and that we can call over specific beings. Further, it means my knowledge of how to perform these rituals is correct.” Red then burned an image of an eye onto Xerraxas's forehead, “Could you send this back? I want ‘em scared of me again.”

“Shouldn't you use [System Looting] on the body so we can get something useful and get out of here?” Vivi asked.

Red looked confused for a second, then said, ‘Yes, of course’. She frowned at the body, crouched down, and started pulling on the head.

“Here, help me decapitate this,” she said, indicating the corpse, “we need to send something back.”

Through a combination of muscle and magic, they messily removed the head of Xerraxas, which Vivi sent back through the summoning circle. Red used [System Looting] on the decapitated remains, and ignored the message that said the ruined corpse had lost eighty-five percent of its looting potential due to being incomplete.

She'd wanted to transform the body into a trophy of some kind, but was displeased to find she could only choose between a consumable item and a random item from the 'Loot Table'. According to her system prompt, she could only choose a loot type once per day, and she'd already done that for Ben by choosing to make a crown. She shrugged, because it wasn't like this was going to be the only chance she got to do this today, and looted the remains.

The messily decapitated body began to shine with light and transfigured itself, shrinking until it became something new. Several things actually. Three copper coins, a bottle filled with shadows, and a roll of leather that looked suspiciously like Xeraxxas's skin.

“That worked!” Vivi said, looking at the loot and then Red, “that actually worked!”

“Exactly!” Red agreed, “now that we know it works, the summoning and the looting, we can get to work. Vivi, I think you and I are going to be very good friends. How do you feel about trying to summon a Lord of Chaos?”

“No.”

“Right, right. We should start at the bottom of their army and work our way up, that's a good plan. Start at the feet, that’s how a good torment always starts. Don't feel bad about getting these things killed, they deserve it. Trust me.”

“Uhh?” Vivi was a little unsure how to take this and decided to stick to topics he was more familiar and comfortable with. “How do you know how to summon things into our world?” Vivi asked, and Red laughed freely, looking more relaxed and in her element than Vivi had ever seen her.

“I have no idea” she said, a broad smile on her face, “Now, since a Chaos Lord is off the table, I think we should summon a Canid Abomination, no, a full pack of them! Wait! But before that, there's just one more bit of personal business. . .”

Vivi had many flaws, but chief among them was a tendency to not realize when he'd passed the point of no return, to not realize he was in way too deep. Even Vivi though, could recognize that he'd fucked up. But unfortunately, he was already in way too deep.

And so that day a summoner, not a [Summoner], was born. On the eternal battlefield of The Beyond, the forces of Chaos paused in their celebration, the great feast they had thrown to celebrate the disappearance of the Daughter of Chaos, a legendary Chaos Warden. Or at least, as close to a feast as continuously changing semi-corporeal energy based beings could have. They had been eating and making merry when Xerraxas, one of Red's sisters, had vanished from the head of the table.

The pause had turned to dread when Xerraxas’ head appeared moments later, with the Daughter of Chaos's brand on her forehead. The dread turned to panic when another high ranking Chaos Demon vanished without a trace.

–

In Short Bus's cell, the only sound that could be heard was loud snoring. The man-shark had fallen asleep, fully confident that Ben was coming up with a way to bust them all out. Short Bus was planning on being well rested before all the fighting started.

Man, he loved fighting. He was pissed at Anna for creating a situation where he watched Ben die, but also secretly he was pretty happy at how much violence it was going to take to get out of this situation.

Plus, those bugs had reminded him of when he would scrounge around the ocean floor and eat crabs and lobsters. He fucking loved eating crabs and lobsters. He'd practically been drooling when he saw those giant spiders. The last thing he'd eaten had been those magic green beans nobody had warned him about, and he'd had nothing since.

Yes, if there was one word to describe Short Bus at that moment, it would be hungry. If one were to use two words?

Murderously Hungry.