《Ben's Damn Adventure: The Prince Has No Pants》Side Chapter 5

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The monsters of the first cavern layer had already escaped, and their effects on the Overcavern Forest and its surrounding lands would be felt for generations. They ran far and wide, carrying with them dungeon cores, magical weeds, living stones of mana. All sorts of treasures that were coveted and feared on the surface world, coveted because of their value and utility, feared because of their ability to increase the mana density of an area.

They ran, and with them, the magic of the forest thickened and became more robust. The useful became more useful, and the harmful became more harmful. There were. . . lots of kinds of creatures. Some solitary threats, some were invasive species, and others were opportunistic underground civilizations on a raid.

Such as the Myconians, who also called themselves the Stumps. They were an odd race, and technically they were two kinds of creatures lumped together as a single species. The Myconians were humanoid mushrooms that were usually specialized for a particular purpose; some Myconians were miners, some were laborers, some were builders, some were martial artists; for every purpose, there was a kind of humanoid mushroom.

Where did they come from? Did they spring forth from mycelium in the ground and spread their spores? Well, the short answer is no. The long answer is yes, but only from the Stumps.

Stumps were, as advertised, enormous tree stumps. They ambled about on their roots, had faces, and liked to drink. Their personalities were generally boisterous, aggressive, and belligerent. They were one of the few species that thrived in the caverns, or at least, one of the few intelligent, non-monster civilizations that thrived in the caverns. Stumps were uniquely blessed with the ability to spawn a loyal workforce by growing Myconians from their mycelium animated bodies.

Scholars have long debated whether Myconians and Stumps were technically necromancy, parasites, or something else entirely. The creatures in question didn't care one way or the other what the Enelim debated in their College of Eternal Life in Exitus.

Stumps didn't really give a fuck what anyone thought about them, if we're on the topic. They were famously secure in their identities, and nothing and nobody was going to tell them being a slimy, gigantic rotten stump with big bulging mycelium eyeballs and a comically huge mouth, walking around on big old rigid root tentacles was anything short of the best thing ever.

The local stump population had happened to be close by when the opening to the underground had appeared, and they intended to take full advantage of it.

They were felling as many gigantic trees as they could and hauling the wood underground. There was nothing Stumps and Myconians loved more than making new Stumps and Myconians, and they needed actual tree stumps to make that happen.

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Thus, their invasion of the surface. It was led personally by two stumps, Bilge Breath and Black Spit, who were just great guys. Really personable. Very enthusiastic.

“Ah, put your backs into it!” Bilge Breath shouted, spittle and wetness flying everywhere as the pool of fermenting. . . everything in his mouth was sprayed with every word. Black, slimy drool ran between his large, splinter teeth, and he chuckled, spraying more gack in the process.

The Myconians, for their part, were very clean creatures. They were intelligent, but they also couldn't speak nor did they want to, so everybody always overlooked them. Their bodies were white in the way only mushrooms were white, and their bodies were all thick stalk. Atop their heads were caps of green, and the ends of their hands, for this particular species at least, were hardened, organic ax blades.

There were about a hundred of them working on an enormous tree, which would yield a particularly fine stump.

“Why don't we come up here more often,” Black Spit asked, his voice also sounding like someone with too much spit in their mouths. He sprayed foul, stinking fluid with every word.

“Monsters ushually,” Blige Breath replied, slurring his words. It's safe to assume that all stumps are slurring their words like, all the time. That's just how they talked, in a loud, spray it don't say it, projectile spit slur of words.

“Ah, right, the monsters,” Black Spit said, then burped, spraying a bunch of yuck all over Bilge Breath, who laughed, then burped and sprayed a bunch all over Black Spit.

It's worth noting that Stumps were generally avoided in polite company, and never invited to any kind of formal gathering. Who could stand being around them? They were loud, direct, impolite, always goofing around, and they smelled like rot and death. Like some animal that had died out in a field and was half rotted.

A happy dog barked and started rolling around in the filth. It was, under the caked on grime, a Chow-Chow/Collie mix. He had golden red, floofy-ass fur and upright, naturally triangular ears. The fur around his head was so fluffy it looked like the world’s cutest lion’s mane. He was from Earth and had taken The Bright Spark as his Plus Perk, as had most animals. Not all animals, but most of them.

His name was Louis, and he was a [Traveling Trader]. He finished rolling around in the disgusting, disgusting pile and shook the excess off.

“Smells great!” he happily projected with his mind, heard by his companions, “this is great!”

“Ah, Louis, yer the best company we've ever had!” Bilge Breath said, and affectionately scratched Louis behind the ear, “but you're gonna need a bath! Ya smell worse than me!” he shouted, and Louis immediately reacted to the word 'Bath' like every pet dog reacted to the word.

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His ears went back, his tail went between his legs, his eyes got really, really big, and he shrunk away from Bilge Breath.

“No thanks, no bath,” Louis said, then started running around, happy the subject was closed. The dog ran with a spring in his step. His fur bounced, his tail was thick and fluffy, and he had an extremely expressive face. Louis remembered with vivid, perfect memory, how humans and children reacted to him, and he knew without a doubt that he was a good boy.

“How many, how many?” the Traveling Trader asked, referencing how many Myconians the Stumps were willing to give him to be his escort and labor force when he set out for Solas.

“Ten thousand!” Bilge Breath shouted.

“A hundred thousand!” Black Spit countered, and then the two of them began a back and forth where they added zeros to their numbers.

“A hundred trillion Myconians,” Bilge Breath said, and then Black Spit spat.

“Ah, I can't pump that many out, a hundred trillion it is,” he said.

“Too many,” Louis said, then started running in figure eights between the two stumps, “twenty is good. Twenty, twenty five?”

“Thousand?”

“No, five fives, twenty five,” Louis said, and the two stumps exchanged a glance.

“That's doable,” Black Spit slurred, “but be sure to keep our list in mind. We're banned from the city after the last incident.”

“Bah, they're a bunch of prissy little [Queens],” Bilge Breath said, “can't handle a little smell- Oh, let's scuttle, that tree's coming down! Timber!”

“Timber!” Black Spit and Louis said at once, and Louis started barking in an excited, doggy way. His barks were less 'Ruh Ruh Ruh' and more 'Roo Roo Rorororo'.

The massive, city building sized tree was felled and crashed to the ground with a massive thud. The underground army of Night Fiends jumped and were stilled by their commander. They would emerge soon enough, once the mana density had stabilized.

“That right there's a big stump,” Black Spit slur-spat, drooling and eyeing the enormous tree base in a. . . lecherous? Salacious? Hungry? way.

He looked at it in a way that only Stumps could look at a tree stump. Which is to say, how Sir-Mix-Alot looks at a badonk-a-donk big ol' booty. If you don't get the reference, a song link is provided in the post comments.

“Oh, he'll be a Stump for sure, could even be a Stump Lord. Ahahaha, let's dig him out and drag him down, forget the tree, this was totally worth it.”

“Everybody's gonna be so happy to see this! Hey, forget the wood, start digging the stump out! Careful on his roots! You might be looking at royalty! Can you imagine it, a Stump Lord!”

The Myconians stopped their processing of the massive tree with some reluctance. They'd been looking forward to some fresh wood to eat, but orders were orders.

From some nearby bushes, the hit squad from Solas watched with wide eyes, conferred with one another, then decided it wasn't worth the time to try and make contact with the Stumps.

They had a job to do after all, and according to the System Custodian they were very close.

The fairy swarm up in the canopy watched with rapt, excited eyes as the Aeon Slug pushed back gremlins with whips of magic and fire, driving them off and slaying them whenever they approached. He shot arrows of magic, opened disks of annihilation. He raised walls of stone and sunk parts of the battlefield into pits from which escape did not easily come.

He was different than the other Aeon Slugs the fairies had seen, and tormented, in the Overcavern Forest. He shone with a light that seemed to torture the gremlins, a light that fascinated the fairies and made them want to inch closer and closer. More than the light, he was fighting rather than running away, and even more than that, he was defending people! He was like a [Hero] or something!

They watched and got nearer and nearer to the action, hardly even realizing they were being drawn into the story, being drawn into a fight in which they had no real stake. But then again, they were fairies; they thrived on intruding, then delighted in interrupting, and they felt most comfortable where they were least welcome.

One of them broke the silence and started giggling. It was unlike the giggles of the greater races, unlike the laughter of every other species, because the giggles of wild fairies were a language as much as they were an expression of excitement.

The giggle meant one single thing, and asked a single question.

Fun?

Another fairy giggled, repeating the question. The laughter spread and soon, it turned from a question into a statement. Then, it turned from a statement to an exclamation of intent.

Because the fairy swarm had decided. They were going to have some fun at someone else's expense, which was just exactly how they liked it.

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