Chapter Nine - Mantis Maid

Rem tried to follow the action, but even with all five of her eyes fixed ahead, she had a hard time catching all the little details.

It wasn’t the big sect man that was hard to follow. Sure, he was fast, and his fire-y lava stuff looked annoying to deal with, but he was a loud and big human of the dumb sort. She wasn’t sure if she could take him in a straight fight, but in an ambush? She gave herself even odds.

He was very impressive for a human, so much so that even her Divine Mother respected him and his sect a little.

Alex was dancing around him.

Rem was used to standing perfectly still and observing things for a long time. That was how a good predator did things. She had enjoyed looking at insects fighting and working and living. They were a nice distraction, a tiny drama that she could spy upon from above.

The big dumb lava human reminded Rem of one of those big fat beetles that skittered across the Flaming Steppes. They were tough and strong, but clumsy.

Alex was like a fire wasp. Fast, moving just enough to avoid blows, and stinging back with force disproportionate to how small they were.

Rem’s eyes shot to the side as the two fighters bounced across the open space in the middle of the sect building. There seemed to be an agreement between them not to go all out. The building was still standing, after all.

Apprentices and other weaker humans on the sidelines were redirecting the increasing amount of lava back towards the middle and away from the wooden walls. It gave Alex less room to work with, but the stupid maid didn’t seem to mind.

He shot towards the dumb human with a flury of monochrome skirts, twisted, then landed a chopping kick onto the dumb human’s shoulder that spiked him into the lava-covered ground.

That wasn’t enough to keep the dumb human down, of course, but it did crack the ground and make everything tremble.

“Whoa, maid bro! That was a rad blow my dude!” the dumb human said as he shook his shoulder.

Alex landed on a stone above the boiling earth and patted down his skirts. “Thank you, sir,” he said. “I appreciate you not going all-out. I suspect that you’re a more formidable fighter than I am.”

Rem scoffed. The stupid maid was being stupidly modest. Sure, the dumb human hit harder, but Alex was dancing circles around him. The entire fight she’d been nearly hypnotized by the grace of his motions and... and she had never wanted to eat someone so much in her life.

Her stomach twisted in a weird new way. Rem figured she was a bit hungry.

The two in the middle of the arena looked to the skies, skies that were rapidly darkening towards dusk. “Could we put off the rest of the fight until tomorrow, sir?” Alex asked. “I need to prepare supper for my charges, not to mention do the laundry and suchlike.”

“Ah, but I was having fun, maid bro,” the dumb human said.

Alex bent forwards while pulling the sides of his skirt up. “I understand. We could continue at another time, perhaps? We should also both reflect upon what we’ve learned here today, I think.”

Rem grumbled her disappointment. She wanted to see the stupid maid in action a little more. He was impressive in a way that she had never really encountered before. And, for some reason she couldn’t quite understand, he wanted to teach her how to be a maid too.

Would that mean that one day she’d be just as strong as he was now? Were maids some sort of secret super powerful path to godhood?

Rem’s mandibles worked back and forth and she moved to intercept the stupid maid as he skipped over the cooling earth. “Ah, hello Rem,” he said. “Did you enjoy watching?”

“No,” Rem said. “It would have been nicer if you had been hurt.”

Alex smiled. “I see. Well then, I suppose that we should prepare to call it a day.”

“You want me to go to sleep again?” Rem asked.

“Of course not. It’s time for your training to continue.”

Rem grumbled, but not as much as she might have. She was actually looking forward to this next lesson. Maybe with combat on his mind, the stupid maid would teach her how to fight things.

They found the scary Harold man, and the stupid limpet in some guest quarters to the side of the sect building. Harold was reading a book and being scary, and the limpet was studying a book of her own while idly picking at the holes in her clothes. The girl looked physically fine, but her clothes looked like she’d been beaten up again and again, which was what Rem had seen happen to her.

Alex looked around the rooms they’d been given. They were simple rooms, with some furniture and windows and doors and stuff like that. Rem had never really cared about details.

“Very well. If miss limpet doesn’t mind, I’ll prepare a nice meal to top off the day while Rem here assists her in undressing.”

The limpet looked up and then stared at Rem. “Are you sure she won’t accidentally chop me up or something.”

Rem hissed. “I only cut things I want to cut,” she said. “But I do want to cut you.”

“No cutting the limpet please,” Harold said without looking away from his page. “She’s been through enough for the day. And I haven’t taught her Cure Wounds yet.”

The limpet sighed and stood up. “I guess. Alex, do you think you can fix my dress?”

“I will do my best. Rem, could you fold it up near the bathroom, I’ll perhaps teach you a bit about sewing overnight.”

Rem grumbled. Sewing wasn’t useful for killing things. But... Alex’s hands were very flexible looking. Maybe that was part of his secret? Like one of those really dumb sects that made people repeat the same actions over and over again to learn something?

Rem followed the limpet into the limpet’s quarters. “I don’t actually need help undressing, you know,” the limpet said.

“Alex said to,” Rem said. It was a great excuse in her book to slice the limpet up a little. But Harold had said not to, and he was scary. She brandished her scythe arms and wiggled them in the air.

The limpet stepped away. “I can undress myself, I’m not some kid. But turn around.”

“What? Why would I turn around?”

“Because I’ll be undressed?” the limpet said. She sounded confused, which is how Rem felt.

“And?”

“I don’t want you to see me naked!”

“Why not?”

“Because it’s not decent.”

Rem hissed. “I know you’re not decent, stupid limpet. You’re all flabby and ugly. I bet you don’t even taste good.”

The limpet threw her shawl at Rem’s face with surprising speed and accuracy. “Go help Alex with the food or something, I’ll fold my things myself.”

Rem raised her arms. “I don’t want to,” she said. “He just makes me cut little bits of prey food and toss them into boiling water.”

“But don’t you want to spend time with him?” the limpet asked.

Rem tilted her head to better consider the question. More time spent with Alex the stupid maid would mean more time to figure out his secrets and all the things that make him strong. “Yes. More time would be good,” Rem said.

The limpet giggled. “As long as it’s a good time. Oh, did you see Alex fighting?”

“Yes, I watched very carefully.” To see if there were any weaknesses to exploit, then to try and learn more.

“Alex isn’t my type. He’s a bit too effeminate for me,” the limpet said. Rem didn’t know what that word meant, but she was certain it was stupid. “Still, he is kind of handsome, I guess. Very gallant.”

“What’s a gallant?” Rem asked.

“Ah, that’s when someone, usually a man, is very brave and chivalrous.”

Rem hissed. “Don’t explain one hard word by using another hard word, stupid girl.”

The limpet rolled her little human eyes. “It means that he’s nice to people, especially girls.”

That didn’t sound important at all. “I don’t care about all that,” Rem said.

“Oh?” The limpet asked. She leaned forwards, and Rem noticed that her face was reddish. Was the stupid human girl sick? Was she trying to spread it to Rem? “Then what is it that you like about Alex?”

Rem was confused. Unfortunately that was becoming very common for her. She chose to answer the question at face value, it made things easier. “He... has good food. And he is strong. A good maid. I want to become strong too.”

“Ohh, a power couple,” the limpet said.

Rem knew those words, but not in that order.

“Okay, so, do you want to get closer to Alex?” the limpet asked. She grabbed Rem’s scythes and held them close. It was weird.

“I guess?”

“Right, right, then I’m sure I can help. I’ve read plenty of romance novels. Um. How do you feel about being a damsel in distress?”

“That sounds stupid,” Rem said.

“Right, right, Alex wouldn’t go for that, I don’t think. He’s too nice to see someone in need as a potential partner. What about... I think maybe if you were his equal, or close, he’d be a lot more interested.”

Rem perked up. “That sounds good. I like that.” Being the maid’s equal was the first step to beating the maid, and then eating him.

The limpet nodded. “Then I’ll help you. I don’t know much about maid stuff, but I know a bit about decorum. My mother made me walk around with a book on my head for a week once. Mostly because I kept taking it off to read it, but it kinda worked.”

Rem was lost again. “You are confusing and stupid, but if you want to help, then I won’t stop you.”

The limpet grinned. “Good. Now turn around, I need to change.”

Rem turned and looked at the limpet change while facing the door. Having eyes that could see behind her was just one of the many reasons she was better than the stupid, flabby limpet.

The limpet folded up her clothes, then unfolded them and refolded them but worse. “Here, now it looks like you did it.”

Rem had the impression she was meant to feel insulted.

“Alright, you go out there, and you impress the heck out of your man,” the limpet said. “I’m rooting for you.” She showed Rem her thumb, then pushed her out the room.

Rem looked around, then tossed the clothes on the floor next to the door.

She found Alex in a little kitchen space attached to their quarters. The maid was spinning from one pan to another, adding sauces here, tossing ingredients into the air there, and occasionally slicing and dicing things with a speed that made his fight earlier look tame.

“Ah, Rem, glad you’re here. Can you dice those onions?” Alex asked.

“Yeah,” Rem said. She moved over to a cutting board set next to the rest that had some onions sitting on it, then started to stab at them with the end of her scythes. It was almost fun.

“Daddy doesn’t actually need to eat, so it’s nice to have you and the limpet here to practice my cooking on,” Alex said.

Rem hesitated mid-chop. “Is he really your daddy?” she asked.

Alex nodded. “Yup! I used to be... I don’t know, exactly. A mommy cat, I think. One whose kittens had all left already. But then Daddy took me and made me into a Death Maid, and now that’s what I am. I’m very happy to be me. What about you?”

“Me?” Rem asked. “You mean my parents?” She hissed a little as she thought. “My dad was a strong cultivator that my mom mated with before eating. And I was born with some sisters. My Mother is the Divine Goddess of Insects, the Mantis Queen. She is very strong.”

“Does she love you?” Alex asked.

Rem hissed some more. “She hasn’t eaten me yet.”

“I see,” Alex said. “Well, you have Daddy now. Maybe he’ll take a liking to you. I know Daddy has a big heart, so there’s certainly room for one more.”

Rem stared at the maid.

Had something knocked loose during the fight? He was even stupider than before!

***