Chapter Five - Belligerent Butlering

After a tortuous evening spent being ‘taught’ how to chop vegetables, Rem was given a room in the inn to sleep in. She spent the first hour in her room hissing and stomping around, angry at the stupid maid and his stupid insistence that vegetables had to be cut a certain way.

She had been cutting and slicing things her whole life, she knew what she was doing!

After bleeding off some of her anger with some well-earned throwing-of-stuff and some destruction of property, Rem tried to sneak out.

That’s when she discovered that maids didn’t need to sleep.

Every time she opened the door to leave, the stupid maid would appear and taunt her by asking if she needed to use the washroom--she had bathed once already that month thanks to the stupid maid--or he would wonder if she needed something to eat!

She had eaten already. The stupid maid had cooked some meat with the vegetables she had cut and had did things to that meat with sauces and fire and spices.

It was the best thing she had ever eaten.

It made her so angry!

How dare the stupid maid be good at cooking stuff! It was a trap, obviously.

He was going to fatten her up so that she was easier to kill. One of her sisters had died that way. Some clever human had fed and fed her until she couldn’t fight, then he chopped her up. Rem could almost respect that kind of ingenuity.

That was, if it wasn’t coming from such a horrible, stupid maid.

Then the sun rose, she discovered that she’d only slept a few hours. That had to be part of the maid’s twisted plan too. Make her tired so she was more pliable, then feed her delicious meals until she became the maid’s little puppet.

She’d show him!

She’d throw all of his meals on the floor!

The maid knocked on her room’s door and stepped in a moment later, a tray held out before him covered in steaming meats and juices and little puddings that smelled like something her mother would eat when the very important sort of guest was around.

Maybe she’d throw the next meal away instead.

“I brought breakfast,” Alex said. He smiled at her, then placed the tray onto the edge of her bed. There was a table, but she had wedged it into one of the walls. “I see that we may need to pay for damages. Unfortunate, but it happens.”

“Shut up and move back from the food,” Rem said. She took one of the plates with the tips of her scythes, then tipped it back into her open mouth. Her mandibles grabbed onto the meat and forced it deeper in.

When she was done with the main part, she moved onto the other little plates. She had never been a fan of bread, but this bread was warm and crispy and somehow sweet.

When she placed the last plate down, she noticed that the stupid maid was only just returning, this time with a stack of cloth folded over one arm. “I have your clothes,” he said.

“I don’t want them,” she said.

Alex smiled patiently. “It’s a butler’s duty to be a good representative for their master. You wouldn’t want to make Daddy look bad?”

Rem hesitated. Was that a threat? Probably.

She glared at the outfit, then had an idea. “I can’t put that on, I don’t have hands. You idiot.”

The maid’s patient smile never let up. “It’s okay. Dressing people is sometimes part of a maid’s duties. I can assist you.”

Rem realized she shouldn’t have said anything when the stupid maid started to help her into the outfit. It was all tight and uncomfortable and awful. Black pants that were very straight, a white shirt with another, strangely cut shirt over that, and then a jacket on top of that!

It was far too many layers.

“What is this thing?” she asked as she poked at the black thing around her neck.

“That is a cravat,” the stupid maid said. “I think it makes you look very handsome.”

“I don’t have hands! Can’t you see that, stupid!”

Alex blinked, then he giggled. “Daddy would appreciate that bit of wordplay.”

Rem stared at him. “What are you talking about? Get this thing off me!”

Alex ignored her and started pinching things here and there and patting her back and shoulders. “The fit seems to be nearly perfect. I’ll keep in mind a few minor changes for your next outfit. But I think this will do for now.”

Rem hissed and spread her arms wide. Somehow, despite the jacket and the vest and the shirt, nothing got in her way.

“Here,” Alex said. He darted out of the room, only to return right away with a mirror almost as tall as he was.

On it was a strange sight. Rem, but clean, her green chitin looking healthy and robust and her mandibles only a little bit stained from breakfast.

She was wearing a long black jacket over dark-grey pants, the waistcoat under the jacket making her look slimmer while her very white shirt stood out in stark contrast to the poofed cravat around her neck.

“I look...” she took a moment to find the right word. “Stupid.”

“I think you look very nice,” Alex said. “Could you come with me? We’re heading out in a moment. The carriage is already waiting out front, but it’s not entirely loaded yet.”

“I don’t want to help you!” Rem said.

Alex tapped his chin. “Maybe you could help by intimidating the drivers and such? That is also part of a butler’s duty.”

“You want me to scare people?” she asked. She liked doing that. She had once waited a full day in a haystack just to burst out and hiss at a boy who liked to urinate there every morning.

Alex nodded. “Butlers and maids are very intimidating. See, they are an incredible luxury. To a noblewoman, another noble’s maid is a threat, someone else in her surroundings that she can’t be rid of, and who can assist their master at a moment’s notice. A maid is a status symbol. Someone whose entire life revolves around helping their master. If that means poisoning an enemy, or killing someone discreetly for their master, then so be it.

“A butler, on the other hand, is a servant who stands close, knows many secrets, and who can often act with impunity. The butler is the stalwart defender of the master’s abode. There are few things more difficult to change than a butler’s mind. I think you have the potential to be a great butler.”

Rem lowered her arms. “Stupid,” she muttered.

“Could you help me with the luggage? There really isn’t much.”

Rem didn’t pout. She didn’t have cheeks to pout with. But she did sulk a little as she followed Alex out of the room and helped him lift heavy boxes up and place them atop a wheeled carriage waiting just outside.

The terrifying bone man was there, sitting in the carriage in the guise of a normal, boring human. No one around her could sense the depth of fathomless evil around him, but she could.

Maybe the stupid maid could as well, and he was just too stupid to know better?

She didn’t know.

Soon, everything was packed away, including a dog which was placed in the carriage and which she was forbidden from eating.

And then Alex shoved her into the carriage and made her sit across from the one they called the limpet.

“Hi!” the girl said. She pushed her glasses up, smiled, and extended a hand across towards Rem. “I’m Fenfang Fang.”

Rem looked at the hand. She was tempted to chop it off, but the undead man was right next to the limpet. Cutting off his apprentices hand might annoy him. She extended a scythe over to the girl who stared at it for a moment before pinching the end and waving it up and down.

“I’m pleased to meet you,” the limpet said.

“Yes,” Rem said. “I’m Rem.”

Alex looked into the carriage, then nodded to them all. “I will be riding with the driver, to keep an eye on things. But before I go. Limpet, would it be possible for you to do me a favour?”

“Sure thing,” the girl agreed.

“Can you teach Rem here how to read and write?” He gestured towards Rem.

The girl spun around and gasped. “You don’t know how to read? Oh, who am I kidding, of course I don’t mind. I’m sure if we both work hard we can have you reading like you were born with a book in your hands... claw...things.”

Rem was about to protest, but Alex closed the door and left, and she noticed that the terrifying skeleton man was eyeing her from his seat in the corner. “Fine. I will learn your stupid reading, stupid limpet.”

“That’s rather rude,” the limpet said.

“Being so stupid is rude.”

The limpet sighed and reached into her back, pulling out books one at a time until it seemed to deflate. “I... don’t have anything that would be good for teaching with.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Rem asked.

“Well, these books are all theory, or spellcraft, or notes. I think you’d usually want to start someone with a story, that way there are more context clues they can use to fill in the gaps, and they can learn through that.”

“I may have something,” the bone man said. He reached into a pocket, then removed a book which he placed atop the limpet’s pile. It was a large book, with a big painting on the front of a clumsy looking man in a black suit and a woman in a maid’s outfit picking up after him.

“Butter the Butler and the Maid Brigade?” the limpet read.

Rem hissed. He was mocking her!

“Well, it’s as good a start as any.” The limpet shifted over and sat next to Rem. Far too closer to her, in fact. She wouldn’t be able to stab the girl from her current position, not without twisting around in a strange way. “Oh, this is filled with rhymes. I suppose that’s one way to learn phonetics.”

Rem grumbled. “I don’t want to learn any of this. This is that stupid maid’s fault.”

The limpet looked up to her, head tilting a bit. “You don’t like Alex?”

“I don’t! He’s stupid, and he keeps doing things to me.”

“What kind of things?” the limpet asked.

Rem shifted her scythes, slicing the air for punctuation. “He made me bathe. And he took me out shopping for stuff. Then he fed me. And now he made me dress up like this. I don’t like him and he’s stupid.”

The limpet blinked, then her face turned a strange shade of red. “Oh... oh my.”

“What?” Rem asked.

“Well, when a boy pays that much attention to a girl, it might mean... some things.”

“That he hates her?” Rem asked. That made sense.

The limpet shifted. “How do you feel about Alex?”

“I hate him.”

“Do you think about him a lot?”

Rem nodded. She was thinking about killing him all the time.

“And do you want to be... close to him?”

Close enough to eviscerate.

“I see, I see,” the limpet said. “And would you mind being with Alex until... well, one of you passes on?”

“Yes, that would be nice,” Rem said. Seeing Alex die would please her a lot.

The limpet’s face was still very red. She adjusted her glasses and breathed out. “And you’ve only known each other for a day?”

Rem counted. “No. Two days. I’ve been trying to grab him for that long.”

“I see. Do you have any experience with... romance?”

Rem stared. “No. What’s that? Is it a thing for killing men?”

“Well, I mean, technically.” The limpet placed a hand on Rem’s knee and patted it. “I don’t want you to worry Miss Rem, but I think... you might be in love.”

Rem didn’t know what to say for a moment. “You’re just as stupid as the maid!” she screeched.

Still, she couldn’t just let the thought go.

Was Alex in love with her?

***