Chapter Thirty-Five - A Wine-ing Proposition

“Secrets tend to come out eventually, no matter what you do. That’s why I just don’t bother.”

***

The entire group was focused more on the path ahead than their surroundings.

I couldn’t blame them. With the surge of goblins coming in from behind, there was good reason to focus on the treacherous footing and tight quarters ahead, as opposed to taking a moment to inspect their surroundings.

If they had taken their time, I’m certain that at least some of them would have noticed the small changes in the tunnels around us.

The brickwork here was cracked and splintered, with the occasional splash of muted green poking out between the stone. There were large sections of the walls covered in black soot and signs that vines had withered away in a fire in those places.

The burns were just frequent enough that they had to be deliberate.

Of course, I don’t think any of my... party members noticed that. When they did look around it was always to focus on the horde of goblins behind us.

It was difficult to count the green skins, but I estimated that there were a little more than a hundred of them. Those near the middle of the group actually seemed to have armour and proper weapons.

Well, proper weapons by goblin standards. Rusty old swords and knives no doubt taken from passersby, cloth gambesons poorly stitched together, and a lot of armour made from thick woven mats of vine.

“Damn,” Ruolan said.

The tunnel opened up into a large room. Part of it dipping down into a large hole in the room’s centre, while steps circled around the rim of the circular room, going down into the darkness. The little dip created by centuries of passing water led right into the hole.

A way for the sewer system to continue down a level?

“We need to go around,” Ruolan said. “Watch your steps, but keep fast,” the woman said. “If we’re caught out in the open we’ll be surrounded.”

I didn’t doubt that the goblins, some of the less intelligent--relative to their kind--would try to jump across the hole to get to us while we were descending on the other side. Ruolan took the lead and the rest of us followed.

The steps were often cracked or broken, with some sections outright missing.

A flash of Yi’s light towards the bottom of the pit revealed nothing but darkness, a darkness with a tangled mess of indistinct vines lurked.

The goblins arrived when we were on the far end of the room.

The entire force came to a halt by the entrance to the tunnel, some of them fanning out to the sides to glace and shout and wave their primitive weapons at us.

“Hold!” Ruolan said, one arm raised.

We held, stopping where we were and facing off against the goblins with a three necrometer pit between us.

None of them rushed over.

“Why aren’t they coming?” Ruolan whispered.

The goblins shifted and moved until one large specimen came to stand by the edge of the hole. He snorted, running a mittened hand under his nose as he eyed us all. The goblin spat down into the pit, then grunted something in his primitive tongue to the other goblins.

Soon a goblin came to the fore and handed him a torch.

He took it, grinned at us, and let it drop into the pit.

The flaming stick wafted and spat flickers of fire as it tumbled into the depths.

The goblins chittered and laughed as they funneled out of the room.

“Master?” the limpet asked. “Why are they leaving?”

I rubbed my thumb and forefinger over my chin as though I had a beard. “How about you give me your best hypothesis?”

“Um,” she said before looking around. “We’re kind of cornered here.” She reached out with a foot and tapped the edge of the stairs which were less than a necrometer wide. “With very little room to fight in. Maybe they know that they’d lose a lot of goblins? But they didn’t seem to mind earlier? And they could just attack from range or throw things.”

“Go on,” I said. The others were listening in as well.

“If they were clever... I’ve seen Fang Fang corner a rat once. It didn’t have anywhere to go, so Fang Fang just waited until it panicked and tired to bolt. Maybe they’ll be waiting for us to leave by the same way we came?”

“Mah, don’t reckon they’re that clever,” Wrench said.

“Yeah, me neither,” the limpet agreed. She looked down into the depths. The light from the torch was long gone. “Maybe there’s another reason they won’t go on.”

“Alright, enough guess work,” Ruolan said. “Let’s get into the next tunnel and then take five to drink and breath and calm down a little. We might have to fight our way out if we leave now, but if we wait, well, goblins aren’t known for their patience. We could sneak past them, or fight to the exit later.”

“There’s more than one way down here,” Hammer said.

“That too,” Ruolan agreed. She pointed to the opposite end of the room, not to the tunnel we came in from, but to one a level below that where the stairs ended.

The lot of us shuffled over at a much more sedate pace until we were all in the next tunnel down. This one was, surprisingly, in far better condition. Perhaps the added depth and the lower activity had acted to preserve the passage better.

There was a lot more plant life here. Thin leaves that shifted ever so slightly when Yi and Ruolan’s lights flashed past them, and thin roots ran along the walls and floor.

I gave the walls a grin as I poked at one of the leaves. It was quite familiar.

I had always been a fan of a good vintage.

“Master?” the limpet asked.

“Go on, take a break,” I said.

Everyone took a moment to set down their packs, or lean against the walls. The limpet moved her Prestidigitation-created light high to illuminate more of the tunnel for the others, and Ruolan pulled out a detailed map and started to study it in the light of her enchanted torch.

Apprentice Yi moved in deeper into the tunnel, his light turning this way and that to scan around him.

“This place is too warm,” the limpet said.

“Mah, you should visit some of the deeps at home,” Wrench said. “There’s this one passage that breaks into a thermal. Gas so hot you can make bronze bend over it.”

The limpet smiled and shuffled closer to Wrench. “Can anyone go to the dwarf... kingdom? Is it a kingdom?”

“Kings? Who do you think we are?” Hammer said. “We’re a democratic meritocracy with a communist economy. Kings, pah!” The dwarf spat to the ground next to her.

“Oh? How does that work?” the limpet asked.

“Each senior clansman, or clanswoman—we’re egalitarian that way—gets a vote. The clan can vote for a leader, usually the people who can become candidates need to pass a series of tests to prove their competence. Then these leaders join the council of clans where rulership decisions are made,” Hammer explained.

“Interesting. Anarcho-syndicalism, with a touch more logic and common sense, I presume. Your form of governance hasn’t changed all that much in some time,” I said. “At least, from the little you’ve said.

“Dwarves are big on tradition,” Ruolan said. “It’s a miracle tha--”

Yi screamed.

The entire group turned, just in time to see the Apprentice getting dragged feet-first into the dark, his light left on the ground behind him as he was taken away.

“Interesting,” I said.

“Let’s move!” Ruolan said as she rushed after her apprentice while shoving her map away in a pocket. The others grabbed their things and ran after her.

“This is fun,” Alex said.

“Isn’t it?”

We caught up to Apprentice Yi in very little time. The man was hacking away at something that was wrapped around his legs. Another something was winding around his throat and trying to push into his mouth even though he was twisting his head from side to side to avoid it.

Ruolan shot ahead and swung her sword around in a great arc that cleaved through the mass grabbing onto the Apprentice.

We all stopped, some of the others staring down the darkened tunnel as the vines that had grabbed Yi raced away.

“What in the heavens was that?” Yi asked as he fought out of the grip of some vines.

I came to his side and knelt before taking the vine around his throat apart and holding it up.

It was fairly thick. About the size of a man’s thumb, with some bigger bulges here and there. The end of it had a sort of mouth that was leaking a dark, viscous fluid.

“Master? What is that.”

I squeezed the tubular vine just-so, and a purplish fruit popped out of the end and onto the floor with a splat. I let go of the vine to lift the fruit up so that everyone could see it.

“Is that a grape?” Tweezers asked.

“It is,” I confirmed. “This place has a nasty infestation of tentacle grape vines.”

“What?” the limpet asked.

Apprentice Yi gulped. “It was trying to take my pants off!”

“Well, yes, that’s how these vines work,” I said. “No wine-ing.”

Wrench grinned. “Wine-ing?” he asked. “Hehehehe.”

“Ohohoho!”

Yi glared at the two of us. “You think this is funny?” he asked.

“Mah, lad, you just went through a grape but harrowing experience, it’s normal to be angry,” Wrench said while screwing his expression back into something that was almost neutral.

“Ohoho!”

“Master? Are you making wine jokes?” the limpet asked.

“Yes. These kinds of vines do make a very powerful and, at least in my day, desirable wine.”

The limpet nodded. “But Yi was almost tentacled. It’s in pour taste to joke about it.” She smiled. “Pour. Get it, like in a cup?”

I patted her head. “Well done.”

“Mister Harold, could you explain what just happened?” Ruolan said. She was eyeing the darkness with something approaching apprehension.

“Ah, yes. Tentacle grape vines were something of a local specialty. A hybrid of a normal wine-making vine and a rather violent plant that someone discovered in some deep, long lost corner of the world. The grapes do produce a very strong, magical wine. Unfortunately, the plant’s reproductive cycle involved implanting its fruit in a warm, wet body until it germinates.”

“Oh gods,” Yi whispered.

“So that’s why the goblins didn’t follow us down?” Ruolan asked.

“Presumably,” I said. “Perhaps the danger of these plants has circulated across the goblin grapevine. Ohoh!”

“Are they just vines?” Ruolan asked while ignoring my perfectly valid joke.

“Oh no, they’re entire walking creatures. Their sizes vary a lot, and they can be quite fearsome. Fortunately, they’ll be fighting at a disadvantage.”

“What’s that?” she asked.

“They want you alive.”

Yi gulped audibly.

“I decan’t think of a worse way to go,” Hammer said.

I snorted.

“Papa, should we put a cork in this until after we’ve dealt with the monsters?” Alex asked.

He earned a pat too.

Ruolan had us retaking our initial formation. It seemed as if the break was over. It also seemed as if the woman had no sense of humour as she thought our jokes were terribly crass. Still, we started moving through the tunnels, our goal somewhere ahead of us.

“Mister Harold,” Ruolan said as she scanned the walls and floors and eyed the roots and occasional leaves with suspicion. “Would you happen to know how to kill these plants?”

“I suspect I could manage,” I said.

“And would it be possible for you to do so? At least, if we seem to be overrun and in danger?” It sounded as though she was crushing her pride underfoot as she asked, but she still made the effort to do so.

I nodded. “I can do that much,” I said.

“Master should teach me Fireball one of these days,” the limpet said.

“You’re not quite there yet,” I said. “Now these vines are magical in nature. How do you think you could serve the party in this scenario?”

The limpet blinked a few times, adjusted her glasses, then snapped her fingers and started the incantation for Detect Magic.

This evening was increasingly amusing.